Biggest gut-check
When I stated that the result didn't matter as I was going to call an election 30 days after the second Gomery report came out anyways. There was a collective hush amongst my advisors before they all trooped out silently

Biggest regret
I didn't extend the 'guns in our cities' ad.
The Tories didnt get one seat in Montreal, Toronto or Vancouver
Coincidence? I think not.
We should have gone with "Soldiers with Guns. In our cities. In our towns. And in our villages"
Cost us the election in my view

Proudest moment
That we got 100 seats - more than 50 times what the Tories got after their comeuppance. This in spite of the fact that my predecessor landed me in this mess, his acolytes did their best to bring me down and that I had a bunch of clowns working for me
I have clearly laid a bedrock of support from which we should have no trouble winning next time out

Biggest laugh
That Belinda Stronach and Michael Ignatieff would rather be in a Ukranian prison than stuck on the opposition benches. Their tilts at the leadership will founder as the Liberals do not want a 'Born to Rule' leader thrust upon them

Next project
Well I will be pursuing my plans to become Pope and/or UN leader
Also putting the finishing touches to my book "Paul Martin - My Part in his Downfall'

'Brain dead'
'Unfit to govern'

I saw the headlines and that was enough. Clearly I'm viewed as the 'dead man walking' of Candian politics ( The PM is unaware that these headlines refer to Ariel Sharon<. Ed. )

As planned, I made my suggestion to Ms Stronach but she was unwilling to play ball either literally or figuratively I'm wondering if she's been reading Paul Wells

Well cute and dashing is a better description of her than any potential rivals e.g.

• Ex-pat and former Upper Canada College pupil, Michael Ignatieff
• Dull-as-Ditchwater and anti-Royalist, John Manley
• New Brunswickian - that's enough to scupper his chances - Frank McKenna

Looks like more radical measures to save my arse are required

Check in tomorrow

As I said yesterday

Unfortunately, that wouldn't be the Liberal campaign; as evidenced by the latest polling results

Looking on the bright side, they are really good for our 'Scary-Harper' strategy. The midsguided public might have been comfortable with a minority Conservative government (until it imploded) but now they are juat a couple of percentage points away from a majority. The other positive is that Tory strength in Quebec has come at the BQ's expense - just as I planned. Now their dream of a 50%+1 for seperation lies in tatters and I have SAVED THE NATION

Of course it would be remiss of me not to mention the downside. If any more of our scandals reach the public (not that there are any more to discover, of course, ahem) then we might be down to the 25% mark, at least of those bothering to vote. I wouldn't even be leader of the Opposition in those circumstances (Thank God)

Unless I land a knockout blow in next weeks debates, I'm thinking Belinda Stage II will need to be wheeled out. Her trip across the floor saved us once and I'm hoping lightning can strike twice

I'm with her at the moment so we'll have to mull it over. Should it be hints of an illicit affair We could become the Canadian version of Bill & Hillary ; Bel & 'Hell It's me!'. That would definitely go down well in Quebec where signs of life in the old dog will whet their passionate feelings.

On the other hand, it would cause a certain frostiness on the home front. Belinda was pretty harsh in her condemnations of Harper yesterday. Perhaps we could hint at something more personal. Sexual harassment anybody? Time we got the RCMP on our side for once

I'm well known for my support of women in politics but although Anne McLellan and Belinda Stronach have their points - well Belinda does - I was looking forward to meeting 'Condo' Lisa Rice as a woman with whom I could converse with on the same intellectual level
Turned out she was much earthier than expected, as I will post at a later date

She, of course, appreciates that with the Gomery inquiry coming out and an election in the offing I have no alternative than to bash her countrymen - this time adding a volley on gun control to my strong words (albeit weak actions) on softwood lumber. I told her that when she became President sh had 'carte blanche' to reciprocate in

kind. Perhaps not the most apposite phrase given her Afro-American heritage so I swiftly changed the subject to the recent death of Rosa Parks - the woman who sparked the Civil Rights movement down South by refusing to give up her seat on a bus for a white man

I was well into my eulogy of the late icon of civil rights whe I noticed that the Secretary of State was inexplicably having a fit of the giggles

According to Condo. it turns out that far from a brave strike for freedom, Parks actually stayed seated because she had just emitted the most fetid fart and standing would have shamed her as the culprit in front of a large and confined audience . The degradation of that for a Southern Baptist far outweighed the threat of a $10 fine for keeping still until the odour had percolated away anonymously

You would think that a person who announces that he will not seek re-election in order to spend more time with his cancer-suffering wife would do the decent thing and slink off into obscurity quietly.
Not so with NDPer Ed Broadbent. What with his "Colonel Sanders" rebuke of Health Minister Ujjal Dosanjh support for medicare and TV appearances promoting (ugh) Proportional Representation you just cant get away from the guy Probably his wife's giving him hell because he won't pay for treatment in the States

Anyways his latest publicity-seeking gesture relates to the federal Ethics Commissioner's decision to include me out of his investigation into the Grewal tapes affair
Broadbent's take

That's my man!

Conservative Deputy Leader, Peter MacKay, also demanded Shapiro quit, weighing in with phrases such as "wet noodle" (ex-girlfriend, Belinda Stronach, can testify that he has a particular reason for using this phrase) and a "toothless anemic chihuahua."
Well, if my predecessor can have his own ethics lapdog (Howard Wilson) why shouldn't I have mine?

I'm sure many of you will have read Belinda's piece in yesterday's Globe and Mail. As someone will have said "Nice suit"

The article is so mind-numbingly dull, she might have penned it herself - though I rather doubt it. Of course I receive the obligatory arse-licking treatment but so far into the item hardly anyone will get to it

Certainly the PMO censors must have nodded off before this passage

Kind of suggests that with me at the helm we've lost it. Naughty Naughty Belinda. Time for some discipline

I recently went to a production of Tom Stoppard's play about scandal in Britain's House of Commons, Dirty Linen. In it, the investigator, a humourless man bearing a striking resemblance to Stephen Harper, accuses all of the dissembling MP' s with the immortal line Not that right-wing zealots are known for their sense of irony but others can do nothing but laugh at the Tories' allegations . After throwing accusations of falsehoods at us non-stop they completely reverse themselves by believing every word Dosanjhi and Tim spoke. My acolytes were obviously leading Grewal on with absurd offers of patronage. He comes from a culture where bribery is rife and were just taking advantage of him, a prime principle of politics

The main story line here is actually that having lost the young, feminine adherents a la Belinda, the ethnic new canadian's viz. Grewal are also on the run from that bunch of opposition no-hopers

However, as a security measure, in future any potential Tory rats will be checked for wires. A shame that policy wasn't in place when I was discussing options with Belinda. I may not have found out if she was a wooden horse but at least, aptting her down, I'd have got a woody!

Is Belinda a wooden horse?

The latest poll suggests we might even end up with a majority in an election, an election that would be fast approaching if she had not defected. Looking back, MacKay's sob story has a ring of deceit to it and everyone is always saying how clever Harper is. Could Machiavellian Martin have been out-foxed?

I'm tempted to call Gomery up, confess I was behind adscam and tell him to wind things up immediately. I'll even give him the conclusion

The Liberals are a thieving bunch of lying scumbags

My guess is that would shave one percent off our share of vote at the very most

Not looking too good for Paddy
As we are trying to keep as quiet as possible an estimated 10,000 Canadians die in hospital as a result of medical error and this is his second trip in as many months

Runour has it that the second visit has nothing to do with his pancreatic problems. Apparantly, he was watching Belinda on TV stating that he, as her VCF (Very Close Friend. One of a seemingly limitlessless number. Ed), endorsed her switch to our party. This caused him to choke on some poutine and he was only found by wife Mila several hours later, after she returned from a shopping trip, mouthing the words "I could have got away with so much more"

With BS now one of us, I can see a need for a new translating tool between English and Belindalese both to cope with her pronouncements and what the rest of us say about her
For instance I had this to say after the first cabinet meeting she attended As midget-Mac said "Nice nails"
and That is cabinet as defined as 'an enclosed recess for clothing and shoes'