I mean blogging not power

Word is that Monte Solberg may miss out on a plum Cabinet post because he was so busy blogging that the Conservatives Finacial platform was out days late and even then they did not have the numbers right

Well I'm glad to be out of it frankly - particularly the Phwagh! Cabinet - well just you try spending hours on end with Murphy, Duffy and co as the latest sweat-inducing polls come in.

Just in case you are concerned about their future prospects - after all it's quite an achievement to lose power with me at the helm - worry not. I hear Tim Murphy is to be a 'security consultant' with the Pangloss Institute whilst Scott Reid has been approached to be spokesmen for both Molson and Pop Weaver.

As for me? Well my little 'joke' about calling an election 30 days after Gomery II fell flat. I was kind of hoping the hacks would spontaneously break into a call of 'Four More Years' and I could execute a Putsch. But it was not to be. So I have fallen back on the UN Sec Gens job. I'll start by following up my work at a UN commission on increasing private investment in the Third World and use it to make contacts and set a powerbase for when Kofi AnAn leaves

When I rule the world
Every day will be the first day of spring
dum-di-dah.. dum-di-dee...

Biggest gut-check
When I stated that the result didn't matter as I was going to call an election 30 days after the second Gomery report came out anyways. There was a collective hush amongst my advisors before they all trooped out silently

Biggest regret
I didn't extend the 'guns in our cities' ad.
The Tories didnt get one seat in Montreal, Toronto or Vancouver
Coincidence? I think not.
We should have gone with "Soldiers with Guns. In our cities. In our towns. And in our villages"
Cost us the election in my view

Proudest moment
That we got 100 seats - more than 50 times what the Tories got after their comeuppance. This in spite of the fact that my predecessor landed me in this mess, his acolytes did their best to bring me down and that I had a bunch of clowns working for me
I have clearly laid a bedrock of support from which we should have no trouble winning next time out

Biggest laugh
That Belinda Stronach and Michael Ignatieff would rather be in a Ukranian prison than stuck on the opposition benches. Their tilts at the leadership will founder as the Liberals do not want a 'Born to Rule' leader thrust upon them

Next project
Well I will be pursuing my plans to become Pope and/or UN leader
Also putting the finishing touches to my book "Paul Martin - My Part in his Downfall'

First the bad news

From my local optometrist

" Recent pronouncements have concerned us about your vision have been compounded by your recent advertisement in which you appeared to have difficulty locating the camera We would advise you that at you age you should have annual checkups
This is not an emergency so I suggest we arrange an appointment at a time when you have nothing more pressing to attend to
How does January 24th sound? "

and NACA (no relation to NASA)

" We have recently seen you on television and your bellicose nature and hand-whirling suggest you are an energetic person for your advanced years I wonder if you would be prepared to act as a volunteer to the National Advisory Council on Aging before what appears to be early-onset Alzheimers (viz. forgoten prior positions on Itaq, same-sex etc.) takes full hold as we will clearly be challenged by the incoming Conservative administration

As you will note from the website we are a moribund association which has not achieved anything of note for the past five years so you would swiftly feel at home amongst us"

BUT

" Following your tip off, we are pleased to say we have found several copies of a hidden agenda on and within the person of the Leader of the Opposition You will no doubt also be delighted to know that we will also be bringing criminal charges against him as the evidence suggests he stole Liberal party headed notepapaer on which to type up the secret policies"

Evryone knows that right-wingers do not have a sense of humour, and the Conservatives have fallen into the trap again by listing my 56 number one priorities as if it was some sort of joke

Well I may be anti cherry-picking on the Charter, but not where it comes to giving Canadians what they want be it faster access to passports, replacing the Sea Kings or agriculture (did I really say that?)

They then trumpet the fact that they will only have five priorities! Pshh! What do they plan to do the rest of the week?

And their assiduous reseacrhers failed to uncover our true number one priority
RETAIN POWER AT ALL COSTS

So that makes 57 varieties. Heinz will be onto me soon to act as their spokesman

I could do with a bit of help here
My war room is suffering some serious casualties Tim Murphy has been MIA since the the Grewal affair and Scott Reid is suffering the worst fortune from the beer and popcorn saga - he's being laughed at by one and all ( No I'm not. Am I? Ed.)

The problem is my

outburst
The bugger only took me up on it. And then Harper joined the fray

Don't they understand a fucking metaphor?!

I brushed it off quoting a busy schedule. I'm not hanging around on street corners Last time that happened it took a lot of time, money and influence to get me out of police HQ

Perhaps I should just stand above the fray?
Would someone build me a rose garden tout-bleedin-suite

Actually it's not all bad news as I have nimble-footed my way to an alternative opportunity
What the psudeo-pundits have failed to pick up on is the dual significance of my

speech. It was not just to show my federalist credentials. It was a resume

If, as seeems likely, the Bloc gain more than 50% of the vote, then the push for seperatism will grow. Now lets suppose they win the referendum. Do they really want a callow, thirty-something, Andre Boscalir representing them in foreign parts? As an overt homosexual he'd probably be thrown in jail in the first Middle East or African country he visited. Not a good start

No, as their first PM (or President) they'll be looking for someone with experience, a Quebecer who in negotiations with Canada knows where all the money is hidden. Someone who is great buddies with a founder of the Bloc, for instance Jean Lapierre.
And guess who will happen to be unexpectedly available. Moi.

Probably the first person ever to have been Prime Minister of two countries
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, JC

Well the poll results on the debates are in and are looking good. Everyone is tired of the sponsorship scandal and grateful for our the booming economy. No one cares that it is solely caused by China and India's increasing demand for our precious natural resources. Meanwhile, our productivity rating goes down the pan

To them, The main item on the agenda turned out to be seperation. The fact is, without Quebec, the country shifts westward and more right-wing Harper would be more than happy to see 'la belle province' and its budget-draining, special-status, 20+ Liberal seats disappearing off the horizon. He could ditch his weekly French homework as well

He seems perplexed that we should trumpet an issue that our raiding of the public purse caused in the first place but his heart's not in it Indeed everybody noted my emotion compared with his intellectual approach when defending canada
Sheila wryly observed that if I showed half the passion for her cunt as I do for my country she would be one happy woman

It's always about sex with women and I think that's why they empathise with me and my exhortations of love for Canada. I'm so clearly faking it (as soon as I retire I'm off to the Bahamas) and yet managing to fool the predominantly male media establishment

Just as Clinton was portrayed as the first 'black' president, I could be regarded as the first elected 'female' PM
Give me an excuse if Sheila ever caught me going through her undies drawer again, too

Not much to do on this trip. Bush is finished so putting the boot into him re honouring treaties is pure electoral gold with no repercussions. I privately suggested that regarding the white phosphorus attack on civilians at Fallujah he could use the line Expecting a trademark smirk, I actually got a quizzical look and a promise to consider it. What a leader!

Not an entirely wasted trip though. As you know I am a bereaver non-pareil and I had the chance to visit the graves of some Canadians who died in the Korean war and give a little photo-op speech
Luckily, the conflict ended just before I would have had to do a bit of draft-dodging.

It also gave me the opportunity to check out the Korean internment and cremation procedures As you know, one of my post-PM projects is to set up the largest chain of funeral parlours in the country and I need to keep up to spec on Asian preferences as we get overrun with them back home