'The Sunnis and shiites should stop fighting so that we can leave
George W Bush 15 Mar 2006

'The Sunnis and Shiites should stop fighting and get the Americans to leave'
Saddam Hussein 15 Mar 2006

I predict that the non stop barrage of photos of Harper and the boys will come back to haunt him

It's not as though it's even his war or, for that matter, mine. You wouldn't have caught me out there other than for a stopover from sunnier climes (what is there to do in downtown Kandahar for nightlife after all. I hear there is not a Tim Hortons in the place)

It was merely an expedient way of avoiding Iraq without incurring the full wrath of the US administration. In hindsight, another error by my predecessor. In that soon to be realized civil war of a country we would have been a small cog that could easily have withdrawn from Bush's Folly. In Afganistan, we're front and centre 'supported' back home by a public keen to pull out at the first casualties incurred by a joyriding squaddy and a mad axeman.

We are stuck in the officially named 'The Islamic Republic of Afghanistan', a landlocked country bordered by China, India, Paki- and various assorted other -istans where the opium trade conservatively accounts for a third of GDP. About as far away physically, politically and culturally from our own land

Stephen you're welcome to it. I'd book the same week for several years ahead. You or your successor are going to need to rally the troops indefinitely

I suppose there is a superficial likeness...

...but it's hard to believe that VP Dick Cheney, the only man living who can see Weapons of Mass Destruction at a distance 10,000 miles, was unable to detect the difference between his old buddy, 78 year old lawyer, Harry Whittington, and 'Coturnix coturnix', otherwise known as the Common Quail

No. I'm with the conspiracy theorists on this one. The two of them were out with a couple of middle- age broads at some drunken orgy. Dick was miffed that the older man was getting all the well.. dick and took him out in a fit of jealousy

Now worried he will talk they have locked HW away in a 'hospital' run by some Neo-Christians and induced a heart attack. No press allowed in to see the patient, of course, although apparantly he's fit enough to have restarted working

I'm predicting that sometime down the road we'll get a bulletin reporting a relapse and subsequent demise. Naturally this will be totally unrelated to the shooting incident and not unexpected in a man nearing 80

In the unlikely event that the VP should venture North, the one on the left is the brown-breasted Martin

I mean blogging not power

Word is that Monte Solberg may miss out on a plum Cabinet post because he was so busy blogging that the Conservatives Finacial platform was out days late and even then they did not have the numbers right

Well I'm glad to be out of it frankly - particularly the Phwagh! Cabinet - well just you try spending hours on end with Murphy, Duffy and co as the latest sweat-inducing polls come in.

Just in case you are concerned about their future prospects - after all it's quite an achievement to lose power with me at the helm - worry not. I hear Tim Murphy is to be a 'security consultant' with the Pangloss Institute whilst Scott Reid has been approached to be spokesmen for both Molson and Pop Weaver.

As for me? Well my little 'joke' about calling an election 30 days after Gomery II fell flat. I was kind of hoping the hacks would spontaneously break into a call of 'Four More Years' and I could execute a Putsch. But it was not to be. So I have fallen back on the UN Sec Gens job. I'll start by following up my work at a UN commission on increasing private investment in the Third World and use it to make contacts and set a powerbase for when Kofi AnAn leaves

When I rule the world
Every day will be the first day of spring
dum-di-dah.. dum-di-dee...

Something strange stalks the political atmosphere

Sharon is in critical condition with all Israelis praying for recovery
VP, Dick Cheney, has been admitted to with the whole world praying for his demise

Then, taking a break from preparing for the electiondebates, I watched the west wing where\the plot was about the VP preparing for his election debates. The actor playing him subsequently dies in real life(?) a month or so ago

Definitely a portent - but of what?

I'ts a damn shame the Israeli election is not due until 28 March. Otherwise, I could ascertain how a leader struck down would fare. However, polls indicate that his party will benefit

I'm being reassured that letting Harper lead in the polls and getting the main stream media whip up a frenzy over a potentisl conservative was our strategy; but I'm not so confident it will work

I may have to fake a stroke or heart attack so that a rush of sympathy propels me to a majority

There are a couple of downsides, however.
My constant standard-bearing for a public health service would be undermined. Theres no way I'm going to mix with the great unwashed and probably undisinfected especially in a system ranked lower than Morocco's and causing 10,000 deaths per annum via medical error
Secondly, my role as a spokesperson for the South Beach diet would be at an end According to their contract, they're not too keen on frail peopl promoting their product And thats a nice little earner I would not want to give up

Still I have a few more options which I may have to give serious thought to if the debates go poorly

However, as PM I feel duty bound to refer to the world stage and a couple of recent pronouncements

Bushy continued his back-tracking from the Iraq invasion by admitting that faulty intelligence was to blame. I'm predicting that by the end of his term he'll be censoring Teddy Kennedy for pushing him into it. However, he was in what for him poses as a philosophical mood - you win some you lose some. The win is apparantly that Saddam is in jail. The Loss? Well, I suppose that is 30,000-100,000 deaths including 2,000+ of his own troops

Meanwhile the nutter they should have taken out in next door Iran is in holocaust-denial, Israel-reassignment mode

I was quick with my response

Damn right. Definitely time to put on my NIMBY hat The last thing we want is 6 million Jews to rehouse. Though I suppose at a pinch and a good price, PEI is a possibility. It could be renamed Pure Emigrants of Israel and if some fanatical Muslims take the place out it's just one island of many

• Admitted our record was bad in the 90's - before I was in any way responsible
• Bashed the Yanks for their voodoo science and unwillingness to face the problem
• Boasted about our green infrastructure - whatever that is

And I'm guessing that, with the forthcoming election coming on possibly the harshest day of the year coupled with rocketing, most Canadians would not mind a bit more global warming thank you very much

Still the snaps of the APEC conference have come back Here I am front and center in a rather fetching pastel blue housecoat

Unfortunately this is the CIA processed version. Dubya has inexplicably grown at least 6 inches so as not to be dwarfed by Vincente Fox

And here is one where some of the attendees are caught surprised at my gall in mentioning that treaties should be honoured

It has been likened to a piece of art and I just wish more people could have heard it in the er..um.. flesh

Like a work of Shakespeare, it also has several sub-texts, which for those of a redneck persuasion I will attempt to elucidate

There are too many old people sponging off the health care system and any well educated youngsters are scarpering to a less taxed environment. My favoured alternative is compulsory euthanasia at 70 (apart from the odd notable exceptions to the rule e.g. moi) but apparantly that is a political no-no. The alternative is to import Chinese who will gratefully vote Liberal and via competition help keep down the cost of dry-cleaning

Still it was a chance to show leadership on the World Stage and to support the UN in its efforts on Kyoto and poverty in the Third World.
Right?
Wrong!
I can see the way the wind's blowing and jumped on the reform the UN bandwagon tout-de-suite. Should help with my own ambitions

I also sounded out a few African leaders on the possibility of selling them some icebergs - before it is too late. Got some interest too, so not a completely wasted journey

Based on his expertise over the past few weeks I asked Harper if he wouldn't mind flipping a few steaks for us at the dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. Unsurprisingly, the surly Stephen declined one of the few opportunities he will ever get to a state occasion

We were then treated to a (thankfully final) speech from the Witchfinder-General. Presumably because she is Chinese, Adrienne Clarkson had somehow got it into her head that the occasion was for her benefit and gave yet another 'It's all about me' panegyric to herself.

Then our actual guest of honour treated us to the Chinese sense of humour. This is the transcription

CP: Knock Knock!
PM: Who's there?
CP: Hu
PM: Who's Hu?
CP: Why you say that. Don't you know who I am? Do we all look same to you. You think I'm Chinese take out boy. I'm President. Shame on Canadians

I think something got lost in the translation

There is thus less attraction here for the left- wing outdoor-types to pitch their tents anywhere near my property unlike Bush who has competing camps near his ranch and Blair, who will shortly be suffering a Brazilian vigil outside 10 Downing Street. He'd do well to send them out some Capirinha (a traditional Brazilian drink Ed.) and let their natural instincts take over. A carnival atmosphere would kind of take away from the message

Just to complete my state of happiness - an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another - the domestic front is proceeding calmly as well. Whilst I'm relaxing in my hammock with a steady supply of pink gins provided by my tiffin wallah, poor old Harper is tramping around the country getting no publicity for his Just the Facts - Harper Hard at Work tour No surprise there. Its a title more suited to a male porn star. No wonder he turfed his Chief of Staff

It's a Wonderful Life

Turns out there's a strike on. Probably a Mansbridge-induced walkout in response to his missing out on the GGship

But it got me thinking. Perhaps colonialism is back in? After all what goes around comes around. And lets face it the world would be a much better place if most African and Asian countries (let alone the States) were back in European hands

So watch out Mugabe. Your days are numbered. As soon as we can get out of our current commitments, our hundred-strong active force will be headed for the dark continent

Several factors have led to this outcome. Predominantly they have lacked funding. Since New Yourkers woke up to the fact that terrorism was not such a good idea, the Provisionals have been persona non grata and the money just isn't there. Secondly, their relatively gentlemanly approach of warning the police and leaving conspicuous packages is so 10th Century compared with the kamikaze approach of Al Q'aeda. Finally the demise of ex-PM Ted Heath a few days ago: some of the greates violence came on his watch and they did not want to give him the satisfaction of quitting before the 'Incredible Sulk' had popped off

Apparantly my 'Hi great to see you, you smug, arrogant bastard, isnt it marvellous that Canada is still part of the G8, congrats on Olympics, sorry about the bombings, I do a wonderful eulogy smile' on greeting Tony Blair yesterday came across as goofy in the circumstances

Luckily, I managed to convince (surprisingly easily actually) the press corps that my advisors had not informed me of the terrorist attack on London prior to the handshake

After suggestions that we are being sidelined, I have come up with the notion that we should link any aid to a reduction in the corruption that runs riot in the dark continent. I have proposed that the inestimable Gomery be given a two to three year sabbatical to investigate the matter. That should raise our standard abroad whilst lessening difficulties locally . We may even unearth some new schemes. It's what Africans do best

Apparantly Bush is suggesting that help given by G8 countries in assisting democracy grow via free and fair elections should be included in the 0.7%. This rationale will enable him to count the hundreds of billions the US military are throwing into Iraq as Foreign Aid

Two of the major topics at the forthcoming G8 conference are Foreign Aid and the Environment. Canadians have always and continue to feel good about themselves on these topics, in spite of having the highest per capita energy consumption of all the countries represented there and backing my resistance to up our level of aid to even 0.3% of GDP

As Dubya would say, "Mission Accomplished"

The election of the hardliner Islamic fundamentalist in Iraq's neighbour appears to placed the latest excuse for invading Iraq, "spreading democracy in the region", into its 'last throes'
Rumsfeld certainly thinks so. His most recent committee appearance brought this gem

On a more parochial note, I hope this surprise election result does not encourage the leader of Toronto's biggest city, David Miller, to re-enter federal politics. When I visited Sheila's room the other day I noticed she had a poster of him on the wall. She said it was just to throw darts at but I'm not so sure. With the Tories in disarray, his good looks and Layton's relative success may mean the NDP becomes a serious force in Ontario next time round

In a desperate bid to get on the fast track to sainthood before musically much more successful, Bono, Bob Geldof has joined his fellow-paddy in a round of Martin--bashing

Thankfully out of the news for the past 20 years, 'Sir Bob' is using the Live8 concert to bash me with the bete-nore of the family, Lester Pearson ( He defeated Paul Martin snr. in previous Leadership campaign Ed. ) by suggesting we live up to the former-PM's proposal and give 0.7% of GDP as foreign aid, against the 0.26% we gave last year

Not sure my statement

Maybe if I could get Stompin' Tom Connors or Anne Murray onto the Canadian lineup he'd lay off me

At the upcoming G8 conference, Blair is being pushed to confront Bush on the issue and I'm just hoping he doesn't shy away from accusing his fellow warmongerer and attack the leader of the country with the highest per-capita energy consumption of those attending which would be, er, me

Last time I spoke to Bush, he appeared totally unconcerened about the issue. Said if anything, he'd found it a bit chillier over the past few years. He then moved on to missile defence before I had a chance to point out that his home state of Texas was considerably nearer the equator than his current abode in Washington, DC

As the well educated of you will know, Bono is short for Bona Vox a brand of hearing aid, relating to his deafness caused by too many live concerts

The dark glasses confirm his less than 20-20 vision (no doubt brought on by ingestion of Viagra in a fruitless attempt by the 45 year old to satisfy groupies)

But he is now acting completely DUMB
In an excruiatingly arse-licking Times column, the political wannabe expounds on various world leaders he's met
On Bush:
"As a man, I believed him when he said he was moved to also do something about the Aids pandemic He was very funny and quick. Just quick-witted he has a religious instinct that keeps him humble. It has to be said that most of the people in the cabinet are not religious extremists. I am discovering how much respect I have for people who stay true to their convictions"
Well thats some relief. Does that mean, say, 40% are?

On Jesse Helms:
"I found him to be a beautiful man...It was a great irony for me to find myself feeling such affection for this old cold warrior."
That would be for the world's longest living white supremacist

On Clinton:
"At one point I had sent him a letter (about debt cancellation). Gene ( Chief Economic Adviser, Gene Sperling. Ed) was called up to the top cabin in Air Force One, and the president was screaming at him at the top of his voice, pointing at my letter, going:'Why aren't we doing this?'
Probably because Bill had told him not to

On Putin:
"Putin was an expert. He was meticulously turned out, not a nose hair out of place, obviously a very big brain, and very charming."

On his favourite politician:
"It would have to be Gorbachev, a genuinely soulful man"
The man's a communist for heaven's sake!

On Me:
Zilch. Nada. Not one boiled potato.
And after all I've done to further his career. Ungrateful wretch

Arar is bleating that the documents should be released as, contrary to our claims, they do not impact National Security

This is a good indication of why the Assyrian culture faded whilst Greek influence continues to this day. Unlike any third-grader, or even Belinda Stronach for that matter, people from that part of the world seem to have trouble understanding logic

1. If we release details, they will show that a Liberal government supports torture of its citizens
2. Namby-Pamby voters will vote Conservative/Bloc in the next election
3. A referendum will be held and Quebeckers will vote to leave Canada

Another point about Arar I've noticed is that he appears to suffer from a total lack of humour
Apparantly when CSIS met Syrian officials less than half-way through his incarceration they told them that he was not a security risk with the words "we have no interest in Arar". The Syrians mistakenly thought that meant we didn't want him back

Farcical! But not even a twitch of a smile from the miserable Maher

You have probably already seen the publicity photo

No shirt, No shoes
and I don't know where I am goin' to.
Birthday suit,white Y's,
I don't need a reason why.
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
coz every girl crazy 'bout a well-hung man.

You have to be impressed with his workmanship. If our washing machine ever breaksdown, I want him doing time at 24 Sussex

Of course, in Canada we would never go so far as to wipe out 700 protestors who would stop at nothing to bring down the government.

But in my dreams...Let's see 99+54 = 153 would be sufficient

Well as luck would have it best-selling author Senator Romeo Dallaire was standing right behind me when I announced the aid for Sudan's Darfour region
It was a win win situation for me.
Some people regard him as one of the greatest living Canadians as depicted on screen by no less a personage than Nick Nolte. A soldier unafraid to show his emotions and care for the people of Rwanda.
Others of us recognize that he meekly represented the UN as they did fuck all during the greatest genocide of the second half of the 20th century. After that, ignoring House of Commons 'no consequence' votes is small beer

That should be enough to get currently-Independent ex-Liberal, ex-Tory, David Kilgour onside for the vote Though the miserable bastard hardly gave my announcement a ringing endorsement. Just because I dropped him from the Government - the first thing I did after announcing Gomery, actually.
I'll threaten him with the ambassadorship to Sudan if he doesn't toe the line. He could hardly refuse after associating himself with the country so much. He can see how an evangelical Christian fares in a radical Islamic country at first hand (heh-heh)

Seriously, I'ts not fair that I'm getting all the flak for arriving a day late for the VE celebrations. How about blaming the allies for declaring peace a day early

Anyways I had my own decleration of War to perform on Sunday as in opening the War Museum The speech had already been written and the TV crews arranged so I could hardly dip out of that

Not sure what to make of the TV coverage of our dismounting the plane on arrival in the Netherlands. I do wish Sheila would try and keep up and she looked so frumpy. I hear Harper's wife kept her out of the powder room throughout the descent. Still on the bright side, Duceppe was alone - is he gay? - and Layton and Chow did their giggly hand-in-hand routine which I'm sure makes most right thinking Canadians want to vomit

That was nice of them especially as the truth is it was independent MP David Kilgour who got me to cough up millions in the form of military personnel, equipment and finacial aid for the Sudan's war-torn Darfur region

In normal times an independent MP is as powerful as a guppy in a sea pf piranhas but here he completely outdid Ontario's premier Dalton McGuinty who settled for $5.75 billion over five years, less than 5% of what he was demanding

At last, someone I can out-negotiate

For some reason, he thinks an unelected non-resident can impact Government policy when in actual fact it takes a party with a minimum of 6% of the seats to effect that

Even he might get the message soon though. The Globe & Mail chronicled his discomfort when he asked fans from a sell-out conceret to support his virtually one-man campaign to embarrass me into backtracking on my renege

He then proceeded to flash up a phone number which he thought was that of the PMO. In fact it transferred to a 1-900 number. If anybody does call - which now seems doubtful - we leave them waiting (a Liberal Government trait) until they hang up in disgust. Meanwhile we've chalked up a nice little earner

Thank Bozo!

He is setting out his infallibility stall by refusing to say sorry for the war in Iraq and insisting that he never lies.

The voters don't believe him - apparantly his pants-on-fire whoppers are called the Blare Flare - but his party leads in the polls by nine points and is coasting to victory on the back of a reliable and beloved finance minister.

Does any one sense a parallel, here

According to my life expectancy tables he has eight years to go. I will still be in the prime of life then. Making the assumption that the decline in church influence continues, the reactionary cardinals will be looking for someone tagged as a liberal but with conservative tendencies

Also they will want to spring a surprise to deny claims that they are unimaginative. When the choice comes down to selecting a third-world cardinal or a new world statesman where do you think the votes of Old European White Males is going to go?

Plus they can blame it on the will of God

I'm not so sure. I think they have already made the decision but the new Pope has got all the cardinals to burn any incriminating papers relating to JP II

Rituals don't allow for office shredders

One of Canada's hopeful's, Marc Ouellet, urged his fellow voters to ignore innuendo and listen to God's spirit. That's a sign that the rumours we've planted about him have taken root

Well all's fair in love and war. Selection of a Canadian now would completely spike my chances of election next time up

All humans make mistakes
The pope is infallible
Therefore, the pope is not human

Added to which he refused the desire of the Polish nation (a nation apparantly saved from communism by JPII. Sorry Lech) to have his heart removed so that it could be buried in his native country. I'm thinking Alien conspiracy theory

I hope that you only have to show infallibility after you have been selected. My call for the Gomery inquiry is looking a bit iffy. It's not as though we can go out and spend any money on polling to try and find the best defence. All the cash we have spare is of the laundered variety

PAPACY RULES

A more concerning item from across the pond is that Tony B***** Liar may have similar aspirations to my own. Known as an over-devout Christian, he is apparantly considering crossing over to the good guys from the C of E. I'm betting he is trying to get the powers-that-be in Rome to give him a clear run in the next Pope race in exchange for switching teams. He has already appointed a member of the Opus Dei self-flagellating sect to his Cabinet with apparantly no regard to her lack of ability. Ironically, she is the Education Secretary and I've heard it on good authority she plans to reintroduce corporal punishment in schools if Labour is returned in the forthcoming election

I thought Bono was a particular buddy of mine but it seems like he's just another power-groupie. Apparantly he cozied up to JP II and called him the world's first funky pope. Let's hope he's referring to me as the first (choirboys excepted) fucking Pope a few year's down the road

Suits me. Confirms that the Italian stranglehold has gone for good and assuming the new pope pops it within a decade leaves me in "Pole" position

Also said the pope needs to be

• Media-savvy. Check
• Have a warm smile. Check
• Be good one-to-one. Check
• Be fluent in Italian. No check. But I'm sure The Don ( Alfonso Gagliano) could tutor me. He's always on about how he hasn't got a job and I'm sure he is keen to ingratiate himself with the Party again

Initially he tried to get the Gomery inquiry squashed - but only after he had grandstanded at the hearing. Now he's he's using the death of his betters in order to get a microphone in his face. Firstly it was the slain ex-leader of the Lebanon who suddenly materialised as a great personal friend. Now it's his eminence, the Pope. He keeps on about the five times he saw him as if they were the highlights of the Pontiff's life ( The current PM never had an audience with the Pope. Ed.)

Keep your eyes on the TV screen, buddy. See if you can spot ME at the funeral!

Time to think outside the confessional box!

I have no intention of pushing my candidacy this time round - too much after the Lord Mayors show - but will press a few hands when I'm over there for the funeral

I'll also have a word with one of our cardinals and try and get him to wear a wire and a secret camera at the conclave so I get the lowdown on procedures. If the worst comes to the worst we'd still get a fascinating documentary out of it. I'm thinking Oscar

According to the Toronto star, Andre Ouellet is the cardinal for Quebec City. Can this be true? ( Andre Ouellet disgraced ex-head of Canada Post. Presumably a typo by the Star. ed.) If so, he's definitely our man

So I am now turning my attention to that other great world head of State, the Popedom. I seem to have the perfect qualifications

• I am a devout Catholic. See how I have wrestled with church/state issues
• I am male. None of that equal-rights, Charter nonsense in the Church, thank God
• I am none Italian. The Pope John-Paul II experiment (Polish born Karol J. Wojtyla. Ed) has proved wildly successful
• I would not countenance an inquiry into how the previous Pope was bumped off. I have learnt my lesson from Gomery
• I have experience of dealing with sensitive issues. Same-sex is one step away from Priests and choirboys
• I already speak two languages fluently. Anyways how difficult can it be to wheeze 'God Bless You" unintelligibly in 62 languages as the current Pope has done for the past couple of years
• My name is Paul. A popular choice. I'd be VII, I believe

Where's the opposition. Looks like a slam-dunk to me

On the one hand, he's a great buddy of mine - albeit a bit too much of a compassion photo-opper for my liking. And lets not kid ourselves: as soon as the world economy hits a recession and our commodity-based economy takes a dive we could be out with the begging bowl

On the other hand, what are they thinking!? I'm all for cosying up to him if it means a few extra votes but these Yanks are seriously star-struck. Get real. When all's said and done he's just a rich paddy with no sense of vision viz. 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For'