I cannot say this scandal has drawn me in much over the past decade. Our summer vacations never include slumming it with the sort of people who can only afford a camping vacation.

Indeed the only aspect that interested me was the patronising attitude shown to the injured injun by referring to him as Dudley George. Dudley George what? Doesn't he have a surname or is it something like "flowering eternal blossom' and we're too PC to mention it?

Anyways the guy who shot him, Officer Kenneth Deane, died yesterday in a car crash as he was 'attempting to steer around vehicles', with an 'unidentified passenger'. Probably need another Rouyal commission to get to the bottom of that.

Still divine retribution. If I was Mike Harris, I'd get my ears waxed before the golf season starts. He won't want to miss hearong 'Fore' as a golf ball hurtles towards his head at 100mph

I suppose there is a superficial likeness...

...but it's hard to believe that VP Dick Cheney, the only man living who can see Weapons of Mass Destruction at a distance 10,000 miles, was unable to detect the difference between his old buddy, 78 year old lawyer, Harry Whittington, and 'Coturnix coturnix', otherwise known as the Common Quail

No. I'm with the conspiracy theorists on this one. The two of them were out with a couple of middle- age broads at some drunken orgy. Dick was miffed that the older man was getting all the well.. dick and took him out in a fit of jealousy

Now worried he will talk they have locked HW away in a 'hospital' run by some Neo-Christians and induced a heart attack. No press allowed in to see the patient, of course, although apparantly he's fit enough to have restarted working

I'm predicting that sometime down the road we'll get a bulletin reporting a relapse and subsequent demise. Naturally this will be totally unrelated to the shooting incident and not unexpected in a man nearing 80

In the unlikely event that the VP should venture North, the one on the left is the brown-breasted Martin

Unfortunately, I now have too much time on my hands so after the pleasure obtained from the thought that Emerson's harassed children are turning against him and that Mulroney will be wishing he pegged it last year I turned on the TV to find that my bete-noire had stolen my 'thanks to dad' line as U2 swept the Grammys

It is a commonly-held fallacy that headlines are written by a copy editor. The assumption is that with an English degree and years of journalistic experience, he/she carefully scrutinizes the text and then encapsulates the meaning with an arresting phrase

Well that's not the way it works here. We apply the country-song approach. Come up with a title and adjust the facts as necessary

But on this occasion we not only come up with the headline and fashion the story but also made the events happen

We were saving 'Beyond Hope' line for a last, desperate plea for a sympathy vote but fortunately a small problem in Abbotsford, east of Hope, BC (geddit) enabled us to bring it up a day or two earlier than planned.

One of the secrets of politics is to learn from others - but not to give them any credit. I was able to apply this maxim twice yesterday.

A couple of months ago, the NDP put forward a motion to set up a fund for families whose breadwinneers died in the line of duty. Around 50 of the Liberal caucus, including leading Cabinet members (thankfully myself excepted) voted against the suggestion. I have now embraced the notion with the creation of a Heroes Fund backdating it to include those Mounties who died in the dereliction of their duty. Hopefully, negative reaction from families whose heroes died prior to Jan 1st 2005 can be kept under wraps until after the election

On Thursday, Harper got a lot of credit for ditching a Conservative candidate who had been charged with smuggling by the RCMP. On Friday I went one better by throwing out our Abbotsford candidate who had only been accused by his NDP rival of attempted bribery

What you may well ask has happened to our

approach used in the income trust brouhaha. Especially when there is no evidence to back up the Dippers allegations and the idea of a candidate conceding an election and suggesting that his supportes switch their allegiance to an opponent in a seat the Tories are going to win anyways, completely beggars belief

Well, appearances are everything and the Dipper looks like an honest farmboy. Our ex-guy looks like a cross between Tony Valeri and the Boston Strangler, with a trailer-trash wife to boot. So I went into

Of course if it had been a winnable seat.. but hey he was 'Beyond Hope'

I always thought his nickname was because he was a bit of a lap-dog, but it seems as though he's a bit rough round the edges where integrity is concerned. I guess you can take the guy out of Saskatchewan but you can't take the Saskatchewanee (?) out of the guy

He is pretty dogged though. Having vastly outstripped his abilities, he clearly wants to hang on to his job. In fact, if we lose the election I wouldn't be surprised if the RCMP have to eject him physically from the ministry building . Going by his name his next best prospects are as a barman so I can see his point .

Convention stipulates that he should resign pending the completion of any inquiry but he came out with some convoluted and meaningless explanation on why he should stay before my guys could get him to fall on his sword

The major problem is that he was the clean-cut face of the cabinet amongst a bunch of traitors (Brison, Stronach), incompetents (Scott etc.), pocket padders (Pettigrew et al) and sepratists (Lapierre)
Apart from my COMPLETE EXONERATION, 'Ruff' came out best in the Gomery report for his action on the sponsorship file initiall freezing it and then having it administered by public servants under new guidelines. Something that Pelletier and my predecessor should have done six years earlier

The only bright spot is that if we do regain power after all this it will completely shatter the Conservatives faith in the populace and they may just disband in disgust

However, there are apparantly lesser lights in our party who have joined my bandwaggon, using blogs to show the world the 'inner man'

Anyway, this particular person, Mark Klander,(apparantly one of my henchmen but I cannot recall him) has been hung drawn and quartered for including in his listing of 'Top 10 things that will make me sick during the election campaign'
No 10: Olivia Chow
That's it (well more or less)

Well, Jack Layton's partner has also figured in these pages. Thank God this blog wont see the light of day until I'm sitting at the right hand of you-know-who because I have no idea how to disable the search engine on this site

For more coverage check out Comments please and small dead animals

We've managed to distance ourselves from this 'volunteer' and plan to put it out that he might have been a plant by the Conservatives. After all, with a name like Klander he obviously has some connection to the KKK, the forerunner of Reform. We still have some cash over from Adscam which will help him back up up the story.

Logic also comes to our rescue

• Liberals never say uncomplimentary things about gays, ethnics etc.
• Klander did
• Klander cannot be a Liberal
• Therefore he must be a Tory

Still it remains a bit of an embarassment. Shame he wasn't hiding out amongst the crowds at Dundas and Yonge yesterday. (scene of a deadly gun battle. Ed.) One weel-aimed bullet could have swiftly killed this story

That was a wonderful success. The Yanks took the bait putting up vp Dick Cheney to give me a tongue-thrashiing by proxy via our ambassador McKenna. With the most reviled American politician coming down on an innocent Frank the optics could hardly look better

Added to which the US have backed down from their extreme stance and agreed to talk about talks A diplomatic triumph. Of course, it will not lead to anything in terms of improving the environment down the road but who cares The important thing that they caved after I made my tough speech (followed by a low-key retraction that hardly got covered but I will fall back on if the issue of our performance comes up later)

To top it all I had a photo-op with BC giving the impression that we can deal with Americans (especially of the Clinton persuasion) once they toss out the neo-Cons. Heres to Hillary in 2008

Of course all the press wanted to know was about Bill and Belinda. They queried on him whether he had influenced her decision to join the Good Guys. Of course what they really wanted to know was "are you bonking her" but were too polite to ask. On rare occasions like this, I wish we had a gutter press like England's Fleet Street where they are not afraid to ask the (ahem) probing question

Stephen Harper's comment

Let's hope he's right!

• Our friends and family make a nice little nest egg for doing F-all
• A percentage makes its way to the Liberal party coffers
• Years later, when all of the interested parties have moved on, an inquiry suggests there has been some wrong-doing
• I'm completely exonerated
• We win a majority at the following election

It was the CTV that broke the story which means that the vastly more influential CBC, again beaten to the punch, were honour-bound to pooh-pooh the scandal encapsulating their piece with an "only rumours', 'nothing proven' slant
They also said that lots of people made money without mentioning the corollary that those not-in the know got scammed

I got my quote up out front

which is code for

In the name of balance the National gave as much weight to a Conservative MP, Brian Pallister, who with some slip of the tongue put 'fickle' and 'women' in the same sentence. His, providentially female, Liberal opponent had the chance for a long riposte whilst all he was allowed in reply was a 'taken out of context' report which, as everyone now knows, means 'Shit. I've been banged to rights'

Hey, Scott are we 15 points clear in the polls yet? :)

For example, my recent tribute to ex-Toronto Star publisher, Beland Honderich, cannot be entirely disconnected from the paper's response to the news about the unholy alliance between the Tories, NDP and BQ.

Where any objective headlines would be something along the lines of

• Martin cornered by Opposition cunning or
• Liberals forced off track in election time-table

• Billions in tax cuts likely in Goodale's mini-budget
• Voters not preoccupied by scandals
• Joint opposition strength reflects Tory weakness

Another case in point. My stats guys tell me that the rate at which WWII veterans are dropping off means that their voting strength is now outpaced by citizens of Italian ancestry. Hence our 'apology' to the Dagos
Joe Volpe - who provided details of the package - never struck me as someone with a sense of humour but I loved his comment at the announcement

Had me in stitches

Some days it just pays to lie back and let others speak

Jean Lapierre gets to stick it to his old foes.

Scott Brison is allowed to repeat his "It was Paul Martin who called the enquiry.. It was Paul Martin who said he wanted to get to the bottom.." lines. Apparantly his planned marriage is in limbo as his partner is sick of hearing my name mentioned at the height of their physical encounters

Harper laid into Layton which means that he wont get the support for a confidence vote whilst at the same time planting the seed that the NDP willl do anything for a sniff of power. There's only one party that can benefit from drifting NDP votes
Thank you very much, Stephen.

Even my predecessor unwittingly helped me. He may amuse the hacks who otherwise just spend lonely hours with each other but I'm sure his oafish schtick - and yes he did mention golf balls yet again (yawn) - looks extremely tired outside the beltway

And his call for a jusdicial review just makes him look like a bad loser. The justice system will almost certainly back one of their own and in the unlikely event that polls turn for the worst I can always use it as an excuse for delaying the election. Indeed if he wins I suppose the Gomery report will officialy never exist and thus the election call I promised need not be acted on

And there I am. A saint amongst sinners. Rome take note

The Oppos have been having a go at us for having a prior view of the document.

Don't they realise how difficult it is for somebody to trace a finger in a straight line and move their lips at the same time?

I refer of course to G. Gordon Liddy of Watergate fame and I. Lewis 'Scooter' Libby of (whatever lame name they come up with) gate. As you see, the bizarre comparison extends to their using only the initial of their first name

Obviously, any officials with like sounding names are a cancer and I have set my top security politico, Anne McLellan, off to root out any in our administration. It's alright as the Charter of Rights allows discrimination on the basis of surname

Though come to think of it her diminutive stature has provided her with the nickname 'Diddy'

Oh-oh

She, of course, appreciates that with the Gomery inquiry coming out and an election in the offing I have no alternative than to bash her countrymen - this time adding a volley on gun control to my strong words (albeit weak actions) on softwood lumber. I told her that when she became President sh had 'carte blanche' to reciprocate in

kind. Perhaps not the most apposite phrase given her Afro-American heritage so I swiftly changed the subject to the recent death of Rosa Parks - the woman who sparked the Civil Rights movement down South by refusing to give up her seat on a bus for a white man

I was well into my eulogy of the late icon of civil rights whe I noticed that the Secretary of State was inexplicably having a fit of the giggles

According to Condo. it turns out that far from a brave strike for freedom, Parks actually stayed seated because she had just emitted the most fetid fart and standing would have shamed her as the culprit in front of a large and confined audience . The degradation of that for a Southern Baptist far outweighed the threat of a $10 fine for keeping still until the odour had percolated away anonymously

Reports suggest that the learned judge is going to heap all the manure where it belongs

I could have done with an earlier tip-off though. I spent much of the summer poring over the transcript of my TV performance where I promised an election within 30 days of the report being released.
The best I could come up with was that I never specifically mentioned 'Earth days'. Why not Mercury's for instance? That would keep me in power for a further 15 years

Bit of the old grasping at straws though and I'mrelieved that it now looks like plain sailing towards Majority Island

I thought maybe some of visiting Defence Minister and former Upper Canada College pupil, Bill Graham's, rough sex games had got a bit out of hand

Turns out it was a rocket exploding outside the embassy and that Graham was not even in the residence. Which is a bit odd as the missile landed at 4:10 a.m.

Out cruising, I guess

Of course, Dryden has plenty of experience in this area. No doubt he handed out a fair number of hits on younger kids as he clawed his way to an NHL career. And when president of Toronto Maple Leafs, he was instrumental in bringing the sex scandal to the public's attention after Martin Kruze told all. It didn't stop the latter committing suicide. I heard somewhere that Dryden was the model for the hand in a memorial picture for Kruze

It's on the 'Reaching Out' monument in Toronto's Air Canada Centre. If you ask me it looks like he's about to whack the kid round the earhole - something I hasten to add I never did with my two boys ( er. It's three, actually )

Yet another of one of my predecessor's pals discovered with his hands in the cookie jar

I floated the old 'But he made the Mint profitable' line, one I'm planning on using with variation in the next election campaign but not sure it was entirely successful

It wasn't the overall sum
That proves that Dingwall was dumb
No. What was worse
He raided the purse
For a $1.29 pack of gum

Apparantly, repaying a fraction of the money he milked from the People of Canada has left him destitute (where is all the spondulex then?) and so the judge let him off with slap on the wrist involving being in bed by 9 on weekdays and a job as lecturere at the prestigious McGill university.

The judge justified this lunacy on the basis that

That's the sort of argument Bernado's lawyers should have used. I would say the chances of him killing French or Mahaffay again are also extremely minimal or I venture to suggest, non-existent

Nothing much at the retreat in Regina. Main gossip re the latest pretenders to my crown, Ignatieff and Rae An American wannabe and a failed NDP premier. Nothing to worry about there methinks

Still 72 hours of pious crap from my fellow MP's has left me with a terrible migraine. I'm taking a few days off to recuperate

May I please present, Germant Grewal
Did the tories know he'd betray all?
Cash please. No receipt
Was not too discreet
His comeuppance? "What will you pay, Paul"

Anyways I've heard of ivory towers but doesn't he read the press
WE DONT NEED GREWAL ANY MORE

He'll lose all credibility if he keeps letting errant MP's off. On appointment I told him to be evenhanded not gladhanded. It could hardly be easier: Liberals Good; Oppos Bad.

He doesn't help his standing with quotes like

I'll try that defence next time I'm up on a speeding ticket

For somebody who has very little to do or say, I'm surprised that he has an official spokesperson but the unfortunately named Micheline Rondeau-Parent ( I believe this comment has something to do with Michelin tires and the US Grand Prix. Ed.) had this to say when the Sgro report came out

What the hell else would anyone else want to talk to him about?
His views on the upcoming CFL season!

The man's a complete bozo

Anyways his latest publicity-seeking gesture relates to the federal Ethics Commissioner's decision to include me out of his investigation into the Grewal tapes affair
Broadbent's take

That's my man!

Conservative Deputy Leader, Peter MacKay, also demanded Shapiro quit, weighing in with phrases such as "wet noodle" (ex-girlfriend, Belinda Stronach, can testify that he has a particular reason for using this phrase) and a "toothless anemic chihuahua."
Well, if my predecessor can have his own ethics lapdog (Howard Wilson) why shouldn't I have mine?

The better news is that Pillarella has earned a promotion to the Romanian ambassadorship. Sending new suspected terrorists to Syria is now diplomatically out of the question but we now have an East European alternative we can feel comfortable with

On other scandals, I got away this comment on the Grewal tape when referring to Murphy and Dosanjh

The main story line here is actually that having lost the young, feminine adherents a la Belinda, the ethnic new canadian's viz. Grewal are also on the run from that bunch of opposition no-hopers

However, as a security measure, in future any potential Tory rats will be checked for wires. A shame that policy wasn't in place when I was discussing options with Belinda. I may not have found out if she was a wooden horse but at least, aptting her down, I'd have got a woody!

So JC let me get this straight
In the proceedings it now is too late
But it's also too early
A discrepancy surely
Have you lost your marbles, old mate

-------------

Pretty convenient for Bill Graham that the Americans refuse to testify at the Arar enquiry, as he was able to lump the blame on ex-Ambassador Celluci and Colin Powell.
Before they accept the ex-Upper Canada College student' view that Arar wasnt mistreated, they might also like to check out his sex-toy collection I have a feeling his definition of torture is unnaturally narrow

Actually the study is full of holes: the participants were aware of the investigation and entered data themselves; the conclusions reached contradicted the evidence as more blacks than whites stopped were finally charged, suggesting an even higher stopping rate for them would be appropriate; and the actual guilt or innocence of the people involved was completely ignored!

Be that as it may, it's a useful card to play as mobster Morselli told the Gomery inquiry in his 'Mafiosa are from Messina - Victims from Venice' apologia. His good buddy 'Don' Gagliano could have learnt a bit from that. His attempt to help gag Gomery was laughed out of court the other day. However, all he had to do was point out that the commission was only calling witnesses with French or Italian backgrounds and his case would have become overwhelmingly stronger

Arar is bleating that the documents should be released as, contrary to our claims, they do not impact National Security

This is a good indication of why the Assyrian culture faded whilst Greek influence continues to this day. Unlike any third-grader, or even Belinda Stronach for that matter, people from that part of the world seem to have trouble understanding logic

1. If we release details, they will show that a Liberal government supports torture of its citizens
2. Namby-Pamby voters will vote Conservative/Bloc in the next election
3. A referendum will be held and Quebeckers will vote to leave Canada

Another point about Arar I've noticed is that he appears to suffer from a total lack of humour
Apparantly when CSIS met Syrian officials less than half-way through his incarceration they told them that he was not a security risk with the words "we have no interest in Arar". The Syrians mistakenly thought that meant we didn't want him back

Farcical! But not even a twitch of a smile from the miserable Maher

Anyways, Judy was in fine form. It was just like old days though I see her 'frienships' now extend to some members of the Opposition
I'm sure she understood that a when a minority is involved (and they don't come much rarer than an Indian selling pizza) the facade of an investigation had to be undertaken. Even if he was a lying Hindu, pizza-wallah.

Of course, the voting fiasco goes on. Poor old Harper. Even when he wins, we change the rules. I'm hoping he'll get so angry that the electorate just cannot see how he will be able to deal with foreign leaders who pay scant attention to laws or procedures, starting with our friend down south

The latest Quebecker on the stand (Michel Béliveau, director-general of the Liberal Party's Quebec wing from 1996 to 1998. Ed.) fessed up to channelling cash from my predecessor's buddy Corriveau to the local Liberal party. Luckily with this kicker

Interesting correspondence between the two inquiries
The accident on the Chicoutimi happened because they needed to fix a loose nut prior to undertaking a critical procedure
On Adscam, my predecessor had a nut loose when he thought the next critical vote would lead to seperation

Let's hope the parallels don't end there. I can only hope that Gomery's conclusion matches that of Vice-Admiral Bruce MacLean

Poor, ex-Montreal Canadien, Ken Dryden has proven to be a complete puck-head who clearly played at a time when there was little or no protective gear. Opposing forwards may have struggled to get past him but provincial ministers seem to have no trouble out-dukeing the Minister of Social Development

I'm no sports fan, but was told he would make a great star candidate both as a man of intellectual capacity as writer of what is regarded as the greatest book on the NHL ever written by a former player and business acumen as President of the Toronto Maple Leafs. It was only after I had elevated him to the Cabinet and struggled through the first few pages of 'The Game' that I realised that he must have been the only ex-player who had ever published. I also found out that his tenure at the Maple leafs had seen him oversee a continuing decline in the clubs fortunes in spite of spending obscene amounts of money and he was manouvered out of his position by his coach (shades of things to come)

With no hockey in Montreal and the baseball Expos having just departed, politics is the only game in town The Montreal Gazette, in spite of bloopers such as stating that Gomery is due to report initially in September, seems to be the only read out there. So my only real hope is that the NHL negotiations carry on and I can send Ken Dryden out there to mediate.

At the worst, it will rid me of an incompetent. At best he may be around when the twos sides reach agreement. Then I'll share the glory with him

I was studiously avoiding Harper and Layton, who had both somehow infiltrated the VIP tent, when a turban clad gentleman tugged on my arm. Assuming he was the cabbie who had driven me from the hotel, and whom I had inadvertently (ahem) forgotten to tip, I surreptitiously slipped him a note.

His response
"Don't try and buy us with $5 of your dirty money"
Turns out he was one of the top religious sikhs the meeting was in honour of

Still not sure whether he was upset by the principle or the amount

The obvious choice would have been "Give Me Just A Little More Time" by, most appositely, 'The Chairman of the Board'

We haven't known each other too long
But the feeling I have is oh so strong
I know we can make it there's no doubt
We owe it to ourselves to find it out

Definitely a keeper for the CD though

You can find a transcript here and I plan to offer signed copies on the forthcoming book tour election campaign. For a fee of course
But modest by Barry Bonds's standards. And I don't take steroids!

Now it comes to buy off or bump off. I'm hopeful it doesn't come to the latter, though of course the Liberal National interest must come first. I'm morally committed to that

But I think he's susceptible to a bribe. Firstly, he's a Quebecker. Secondly, he's been subjected to a trail of witnesses who have got rich quick for doing F*** all. He must be envious and want a piece of the action.

I'm anticipating a Whitewash a la the Hutton enquiry in the UK ( In spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Lord Hutton found Tony Blair squeaky clean on the Iraq war issue. Ed.

It's a shame there are no Liberal grandees who could lean on my predecessor to 'fess up for the sake of the Party. But that bastard will never admit he was wrong

And they call me 'Mr Dithers'?!

Better check there are no acquisition proposals for suits of armour and crossbows still hanging around in the Defence Department

Trust them to get the wrong end of the stick. I lied about it not because I was worried about being connected with Boulay but rather that I had had lunch. Sheila has been worried about my weight for several years and I had promised to stick to just breakfast and dinner

Not sure she believed me either as she's purchased a new set of scales for 24 Sussex. I'm being weighed out and in on a regular basis from now on

My candidates would include publicity-seeking Rick Mercer. His constant 'jokes' at my expense are wearing a bit thin especially given the commission he charged for the 'One-Tonne Challenge' ad.

The only Indian that comes to mind would be Matthew Coon Come, but how about fellow-Asian, David Suzuki? According to the CBC poll, he is the greatest living Canadian. Making him head of a commission could bog him down for a year or two and get him off my case re Kyoto

The first defection appears to be that western turncoat (David Kilgour (Edmonton-Beaumont), originally a Conservative MP. Ed.). He's probably miffed at being in Parliament 25 years without a sniff of a serious Cabinet office. No great loss there but it was amusing to hear the comments of the two Scottish midgets in the Cabinet

Firstly fellow-Albertan, Anne McLellan

The riposte from John McCallum

Round 1 to the boy

All humans make mistakes
The pope is infallible
Therefore, the pope is not human

Added to which he refused the desire of the Polish nation (a nation apparantly saved from communism by JPII. Sorry Lech) to have his heart removed so that it could be buried in his native country. I'm thinking Alien conspiracy theory

I hope that you only have to show infallibility after you have been selected. My call for the Gomery inquiry is looking a bit iffy. It's not as though we can go out and spend any money on polling to try and find the best defence. All the cash we have spare is of the laundered variety

Well the Romans neither have any interest in Canadian internal affairs nor speak English so I'm keeping stum on the Briault testimony

I nearly changed my mind when Ivor Cutler, probably the most fawning Minister in the Cabinet, came out with this quote

Luckily I subsequently found out that he was talking about the Conservatives saying the Liberal government was involved in a criminal conspiracy. Phew! Thank God there's at least someone who thinks the process is more important than the facts

I have now been informed that the Jean Lapierre who is Minister of Transport is none other than the Jean Lapierre who headed up the disastrous Quebec campaign in the last election. It's a truism that the more you cock up, the more the person who appointed you has to back you up. I know that; Lapierre knows that. So that's why he is so high up on the Order of Precedence

Velo!

Looks bad. If you can't rely on an ad exec to lie what's the world coming to

But mention of a 'Chretien' is the saving grace

Doesn't seem right that the guy at the top should automatically get the push while the subordinate stays on. Sounds like a Charter issue to me

Luckily I have never succombed to temptation

Sounds feasible. If there's a class-action suit, Count Me In

As predicted, I got Twinky-Finky ( Neil Finkelstein co-counsel on inquiry. Ed.) and had a pretty easy time of it. In fact, the first hour was such a great tutorial on the workings of government that I am going to have it coming out on a DVD soon
The contrast with Tuesday's testimony just served as a reminder of why my defensive, cheap-trick predecessor got the boot

• The prime minister was poised and confident - Macleans
• Martin spoke ... in a relaxed, polite fashion - Toronto Star
• Mr. Martin showed great confidence - Globe and Mail
• How great Paul art - National Post

At today's caucus meeting, I thought it was a good chance to flush out the few remaining misguided loyalists of my predecessor. So I did a phoney speech praising his performance and asking members to stand and applaud him. I thought the odd few would fall for it and show their true colours but all of them stood and cheered.
Weird. I must have been particularly eloquent

Is he never going to stop? Thank God Teletubbies is on at 10

"One day in Teletubbieland land Tinky-Winky saw a big cloud" . I hope this isn't a portent
No it's disappeared. Oh No It's the big hug. I can't seem to get away from same-sex programming wherever I go

The new chief obviously had lengthier training in guerilla warfare. Just after I had said he was the man for the job he comes out with demands for extra spending. Well he's a Newfie so he must have a sense of humour

Gomery will stay in his post and - refusing to bow to my predecessor's bullying - will let counsel Roy (Bernard Roy, former principal secretary to Brian Mulroney. Ed.) do his examination. That should be fun and hopefully they will fight each other to a standstill
When I appear it will be someone elses turn - though Neil Finkelstein has some iffy connections too come to think of it

Actually I'm sure my predecessor's main motivation is spite because I have top-billing for the inquiry ( PM is last to appear, one day after Mr. Chretien. Ed). Age before beauty, dust before the broom etc.

It also puts the lie that this decison was held up as we had not allowed the extradition of Lai Changxing, whom the authorities there want for smuggling activities
Mind you, the sooner he gets thrown out of the country the better. It's not even as though he's been allowed refugee status
In fact, his case first came before the refugee board in June 2001. What with him and Harjit Singh (Judy Sgro case. Ed.), who has been fighting deportation for more than a decade, our immigration/judicial system is in a mess. We can't seem to get any unsavoury characters out of the country without making them an Ambassador

Reduce Waiting Lists! It's Canadian's number 1 priority

Sheila and I took a poignant walk on the beach. No hawkers so it looks as though we'll have to pay shop prices for any souvenirs

I then spent some time with the RCMP forensic team. Grisly work but my mind kept wandering. Was it wondering how a benevolent God could allow such grief or marvelling how human beings turn towards each other in a time of need- unless they are fighting a civil war, of course. No that wasn't it

I spoke to Thailand's interior minister. Apparantly in some areas the entire fishing industry was wiped out in a day, something it took more than a decade of government mis-management to achieve on our own East coast. Unfortunately, my first offer of aid does not seem a runner as he could not see how four submarines could easily be adapted into shrimp vessels.

I've got it now. Damn. I forgot to tape CSI

Better have a quiet word with Bernard as soon as I get back. It would look good if the first decision by the new ethics commissioner went against the government after all those whitewashes by my predecessor's poodle. Kill two birds with one stone

Smart move to give Lucienne Robillard two portfolios, don't you think. No need to have another woman in the cabinet; plus one more salary saved

What was she thinking? She had a cast-iron seat Good God if she hadn't been elected we would have been a rump in Parliament anyways. So if she is so dumb how come I put her in the cabinet. Hope the press are waylaid by pizzas and strippers and don't take this angle

I only made her immigration minister because she told me she had plenty of first-hand experience. Now I know what she meant

I suppose I'll have to find another woman for the cabinet otherwise Carolyn Bennett will be on my back, if I hadn't already bought her off he-he.

So why does everyone call him Don?

No purpose served in pointing blame at the top - unless it can categorically and wholly be placed at the doorstep of my predecessor

Trust in Public Servants! It's Canadian's Number 1 Priority