As PM I had little time to read other than the occasional piece of majestic investigative journalism, or unintentional humour, but the recent controversy about the da Vinci code, led me to read Dan Brown's best-seller

What interests me most is not the plagiarism aspect but the central contention of the book that Jesus and Mary Magdalene did the dirty, a child resulted and a yet-undiscovered lineage ensued

Why not, after all. Jesus was a man of thirty in the days when 'warming up the altar boy's dinner' was frowned on. Quite likely he had a whore now and again to releave the tension

Then the thought struck me that I might be a descendant. Although I come from good Roman Catholic stock, there might have been some Jewish forbears. After all there are interesting parallels

• I have a natural tendency to save money, hence my success at Finance
• My name is Paul, just like the founder of Christianity
• Without being aware of the fact, I heavily invested in Jewry for my cabinet
• I was the saviour of the Liberal Party from the clutches of my predecessor but was martyred by an ungrateful public
• I instintively did not give up the Party leadership - perhaps in the hope of an early Second Coming

I asked Sheila if I was circumcised. She could not recall, but the last time 'I saw a man about a dog' I checked it out and, sure enough, I have 'bald-headed giggle stick'

Hardly conclusive, but enough for me to delve into my family history a bit more closely. Any help much appreciated

You know I haven't had an opportunity to view the cartoon. None of our namby-pamby press would print it and a craven Peter Mackay's first action as Forein Minister was to kow-tow to Muhammed's supporters.

Why not view it online, you say?
Uh-huh. Like I'd fall for that one

If the RCMP scupper your re-election they are more than capable of seizing your computer to check up on any 'harmless hobbies' I might have. Then the old baksheesh routine comes in and they spill the beans that the cartoon is on my hard drive

Rseult? Attack on now bodyguard-nuetered Moi by some jihadist fanatic

You think I'm over-reacting? Look at it this way To most Western men sex is the most important thing and yet at my age we do the dirty SA less than five times a WEEK on average

Muslims pray five times a DAY. It's clear where their priorities lie

However, as PM I feel duty bound to refer to the world stage and a couple of recent pronouncements

Bushy continued his back-tracking from the Iraq invasion by admitting that faulty intelligence was to blame. I'm predicting that by the end of his term he'll be censoring Teddy Kennedy for pushing him into it. However, he was in what for him poses as a philosophical mood - you win some you lose some. The win is apparantly that Saddam is in jail. The Loss? Well, I suppose that is 30,000-100,000 deaths including 2,000+ of his own troops

Meanwhile the nutter they should have taken out in next door Iran is in holocaust-denial, Israel-reassignment mode

I was quick with my response

Damn right. Definitely time to put on my NIMBY hat The last thing we want is 6 million Jews to rehouse. Though I suppose at a pinch and a good price, PEI is a possibility. It could be renamed Pure Emigrants of Israel and if some fanatical Muslims take the place out it's just one island of many

However, the few bleeding hearts (mainly at the CBC) who have been pursuing the story have failed to focus on the salient point about Ahmed Elmaati, Muayyed Nureddin, Abdullah Almalki and Maher Arar. No I don't mean they are Muslim. Recognizing that would be discrimination. No I mean it is their names that gets them into trouble.

If only they had the foresight to pick a surname like Smith, Jones or say ... Robinson they would be less likely to be singled out in the first place

Top that up with Christian first name sugeesting a healthy lifestyle, something Scandinavian say like Per, Lars or for instance ... Svend

Hey you could get away with murder - or at least the theft of some pretty expensive jewellry - with a name like that

Some days it just pays to lie back and let others speak

Jean Lapierre gets to stick it to his old foes.

Scott Brison is allowed to repeat his "It was Paul Martin who called the enquiry.. It was Paul Martin who said he wanted to get to the bottom.." lines. Apparantly his planned marriage is in limbo as his partner is sick of hearing my name mentioned at the height of their physical encounters

Harper laid into Layton which means that he wont get the support for a confidence vote whilst at the same time planting the seed that the NDP willl do anything for a sniff of power. There's only one party that can benefit from drifting NDP votes
Thank you very much, Stephen.

Even my predecessor unwittingly helped me. He may amuse the hacks who otherwise just spend lonely hours with each other but I'm sure his oafish schtick - and yes he did mention golf balls yet again (yawn) - looks extremely tired outside the beltway

And his call for a jusdicial review just makes him look like a bad loser. The justice system will almost certainly back one of their own and in the unlikely event that polls turn for the worst I can always use it as an excuse for delaying the election. Indeed if he wins I suppose the Gomery report will officialy never exist and thus the election call I promised need not be acted on

And there I am. A saint amongst sinners. Rome take note

We announced the Surplus Allocation Act, the one with the promise of returning a nominal sum to our over-taxed citizens - don't quote me on that -, probably within 30 days of Gomery's final report. I also performed another sure vote-winner with a bit of yank-bashing yesterday when I went into their own backyard, NYC, and delivered a blunt speech on their reneging on NAFTA decisions regarding softwood. Pretty impressive, eh (!?)

Mind you I did take some sensible precautions

• It was in front of my kind of guys - successful business leaders - who had all been checked by security to see if they were packing
• I did not venture to Washington to regale the legislators who will actually decide our fate. Those bastards would have plenty of arguments for maintaining the status quo
• It took place at the same time as another war-mongering speech from Dubya so got little publicity down South. The last thing I want to do is upset him

Maybe that will get the oppositon off my back for failing to call the president. As readers will know, this has already been less than productive on one or two previous occasions

If I can just master that impersonation (does anyone know if God has a jewish accent?) we might yet have a statement from the White House that God told him "George, go and get rid of those tariffs".

Apparantly the conservatives in power are planning to exclude from communion politicians who support gay marriage

This is good news on a couple of counts
Firstly, I am obviously regarded as serious opposition which will help get the liberal wing to see me as the leading runner

Secondly. I could well do without all that communion mumbo-jumbo, anyways. The non-alcoholic wine tastes like cats piss and the wafers are contra to my South Beach Diet

In addition, the whole ' transformed into the body of Christ' mantra leaves me (as a confirmed non-cannibal) a trifle on the queasy side

Also where are all the conspiracies noting that "Rita Kan" is an anagram of "Katrina"

Whatever. I'll shortly be getting the Canadian version of a Tropical Storm - Bill Graham passing wind at cabinet meetings

Indeed for once there was a united message from my Cabinet

GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!!!!!

I'm in a bit of a quandry, I'm tellin ya. I had, actually, already made a connection. However, the President recently saw the new version of The Manchurian Candidate and is scared he is going to be brainwashed by foreigners. So every incoming call goes through various stages of screening before he actually talks himeself This is the gist of the conversation

Operator: So if you wouldn't mind answering these questions
PM: Of course not. er ma'am
Operator: Are you a premier in the Western hemisphere democratically elected without any hint of vote-rigging?
PM: Undoubtedly
Operator: Do you still enjoy broad public support
PM(smugly): Just check the polls
Operator: Are you a main supplier of oil to the States and have reserves in the Top ten in the world
PM: That would be correct
Operator: Do you maintain ties with Cuba?
PM (suspiciously): Well er um
Operator: Well? I need an answer
PM reluctantly): Yes
Operator: Do you oppose the war in Iraq
PM (in a panic): Yeah, but no, but yeah but..
Operator: Well that's satisfactory
PM (relieved): Great. So I can talk now
Operator: We need to do a visual just to make sure
PM: OK, whatever
Operator: We'll send an official up to see you
PM: Do you have a name. So I can be sure it's the right man er woman er person when they turn up
Operator: Sure. I'll just check here. Right. Yes expect a Mr Pat Robertson
PM (gulps): Actually it can wait. More consultation required. Sorry to take up your time

Well can you blame me?

Toronto's stifling heat is guaranteed to produce unseemly sweaty armpits and his visit coincides with the Gay Pride Parade, Damned if he attends and damned if he doesn't - which is apparantly his choice. You won't catch me within 200km of the place and I already have prior arrangements fixed for this particular Sunday a decade ahead

I understand that, if push comes to shove, his fallback position is that his not attending has nothing to do with sexual practice. It's not Gay he's against but Pride - as one of the seven deadly sins. Pretty flimsy, eh.

So that is why I met the families of the victims of the Air India tragedy yesterday Another misstep by a distracted Tim Murphy when he booked it for an airport hotel but I think my reaction, aided by copious quantities of saline solution to bring on the tears and invisible earplugs to avoid their countless tales of woe, went down well

Literally true. Literally true.
I threw in a couple of 'very very's', scoffed a samosa and job well done

I've agreed to follow it up by a trip to guiness-land for their annual memorial ceremony. That will give me a chance to reinforce to Bob Rae that his independent investigation must not end in a public inquiry. I threw in a stat holiday as one more sop which should see this particular problemo laid to rest

The timing couod not have been better. Sikhs have been embarrassed, as well they should be, by the whole Grewal saga and this courtesy will just encourage them to return en masse to the Liberal cause

Bingo!

Pat O'Brien (Liberal turned Independent. Ed. ) has now joined the list of no-name MP's who have recently sold their soul for a day in the limelight including , and I need my notes to remind me of them, Inky Mark, Gurmant Grewal and David Kilgour. Of course, Chuck Cadman voted for us on principle so he should not be included with this notorious bunch

Looking at his pitiful resume, apart from the same sex issue his only interests appear to be forging closer ties with Ireland (no doubt hoping for some publicly-funded trips to visit the family) and the creation of another public holiday! Good god man as if career backbenchers don't have an easy enough time of it anyways without looking for more time off

Anyways he's set on the issue and this is one I could not back down on If we don't pass this bill people will be questioning what exactlyhas been achieved in my first year plus. Fuck All ( Unintentional humour Ed )

I gave him the whole "if God hadnt intended us to commit sodomy why did he put the orifices so close together" line but he wasnt buying

It reminds me of my teenage years when I was wrestling with the demon of 'bashing the bishop' During a confession I suggested that if God was against the practice why did he make our arms exactly the right length? "Temptation" was the reply
The priest then offered to give me some one on one counselling which in the light of subsequent events in the Catholic Church, I'm glad I did not take him up on

As a spiritual man, I always keep a copy of the Bible in the washroom as reading matter for visiting ponderous poopers. The pressures of the job mean that, on occasion, I am quite literally shitting myself and if Sheila has forgotten to keep us well stocked with the two-ply, there is only one solution at hand...

Well as luck would have it best-selling author Senator Romeo Dallaire was standing right behind me when I announced the aid for Sudan's Darfour region
It was a win win situation for me.
Some people regard him as one of the greatest living Canadians as depicted on screen by no less a personage than Nick Nolte. A soldier unafraid to show his emotions and care for the people of Rwanda.
Others of us recognize that he meekly represented the UN as they did fuck all during the greatest genocide of the second half of the 20th century. After that, ignoring House of Commons 'no consequence' votes is small beer

That should be enough to get currently-Independent ex-Liberal, ex-Tory, David Kilgour onside for the vote Though the miserable bastard hardly gave my announcement a ringing endorsement. Just because I dropped him from the Government - the first thing I did after announcing Gomery, actually.
I'll threaten him with the ambassadorship to Sudan if he doesn't toe the line. He could hardly refuse after associating himself with the country so much. He can see how an evangelical Christian fares in a radical Islamic country at first hand (heh-heh)

I was studiously avoiding Harper and Layton, who had both somehow infiltrated the VIP tent, when a turban clad gentleman tugged on my arm. Assuming he was the cabbie who had driven me from the hotel, and whom I had inadvertently (ahem) forgotten to tip, I surreptitiously slipped him a note.

His response
"Don't try and buy us with $5 of your dirty money"
Turns out he was one of the top religious sikhs the meeting was in honour of

Still not sure whether he was upset by the principle or the amount