I'm sure it's only a matter of time - before the call comes

A week or so ago I would have been apoplectic with rage, fulminating about the abuse of democracy and the gall of his immediate reneging on election promises. But now I'm totally sanguine about Harper's cabinet manouveres

In fact I had to smile when he allowed the TV cameras in to the beginning of his caucus meeting at which he brazenly stated that every one had an equal voice. Shades of Animal Farm - The Digest version

And Fortier had this priceless quote

Exactly. Why expend the energy when you have a cabinet post in the offing anyways. And at Public Works at that, the biggest trough of all. Well his five children won't be going hungry I'm guaranteeing you

If I had realised Harper would move at this speed to take the brightest and best I would have pushed him a bit harder at our handover meeting. After all I still have seat for sale.

My preference is for Indian Affairs and I gave him a pretty blatant hint at my farewell speech when I mentioned how proud I was of the accord with the First Nations - you know that one where we agreed to come up with some deadlines over the next decade. After all I couldn't do any worse than that waste of space Andy Scott. The summers up North (all six days of them) are quite pleasant and I'd enjoy getting away from Sheila for a few bevys and a spot of country-wifing

He gave the position to Jim Prentice who harbours leadership hopes himself so I feel he will be for the push ere long

Sorry got to go. Sheila is sending me off for my constitutional. Better take the cell phone. Just in case

The final week and we roll out our latest line (courtesy of my contemporary, Bob Dylan)

"Please think twice. Dont vote right"

Not sure that's going to get the 20% or whatever we need to ensure a majority, though.

What we really need is a cataclysmic situation so that the country rallies behind its 'One Leader'. I had hoped that Avian Flu would do the trick. But apparantly Canada rates at the bottom end of the susceptability league due to our low density of population and excellent containment facilities set up after the SARS crisis. So I had to scupper our plans to smuggle in a few sweaty Turks and start a panic

The public is more concerned about environmental catastrophe which would fit in with our Kyoto "rhetoric before deeds" platform. Still nothing good (like a tsunami off Vancouver) is likely to happen in the next seven days

I can, however, take some comfort in the fact that I have set a more positive legacy than my predecessor whose reckless 'so a few million went missing' attitude has landed me in the current mess.
According to esteemed environmental scientist, James Lovelock, we can all stop worrying about greenhouse gases etc. because we are already cooked meat

Apparantly

Nothing too explosive there, but sets a factually correct basis for

So now all my sucking up to the abos will pay off. Not in the short-term: the reaction of their full support for me in the forthcoming vote has the effect of turning off the other 95% of the population on the basis of 'Whenever did they make the right choice'

No, I'm looking 100 years hence when the Liberals will have a cast-iron majority. All 308 seats will be ours and the entire population will be Grit MP's

It was quite a lot of fun watching Condo' try and spin her way out of her administration's latest blunder, 'renditioning'

Her 'just because everyone who goes on these trips is de facto tortured does not mean that there is an a priori assumption that it will happen' might work in Logic 101 but hardly fools people in realpolitik

There was a slight flap about some of these human cargo planes landing on our soil but no one can seriously blame us. It's like taking it out on a paki convenience store assistant because a criminal buys gas at his store

No I'm more concerned that all the action is taking place in the Middle East or Eastern Europe. And they're no doubt earning a pretty penny for the purpose. Now I know the greenback isn't what it was (since I became presumptive PM when my predecessor resigned our dollar has risen more than a third in value) but hey, dosh is dosh

And we have large remote areas of the country with the sort of housing fit for prisoners and a 'workforce' with the intellectual capacity and physical zeal to act as warders.
Reservation Renditioning has a nice ring to it, eh?

Now obviously we could not accept cash as a government - and anyways we're awash with the stuff. No I'm thinking more partisanly here and staring at empty Liberal party coffers. Something that will need to be replenshed for what is likely to be more elections in the next few years of minority governments

Must dash .. but I'll finish of my thinking later to day

Very anti-climactic in the end. Kind of like foreplay with Belinda and ending up with any old Sheila (Martin, Copps, Fraser take your pick)

And being in bed with the wrong people will likely decide the outcome of this election, and how big a majority I will get.
Harper already has the misfortune of having that cuckoo Klein as the best known face of current conservatism. The ghost of Mulroney hovers and he was good enough to exacerbate things further by suing Peter C Newman and allowing my buddies at the CBC to replay the film of his foulmouthed tirade against one-and-all. Finally, fellow neo-con Mike Harris has been outed by his erstwhile Attorney general for saying "get the fucking Indians out of the park" a few hours before one of said Injuns was downed by a cowboy cop.

Somewhat ironinc that the natives have been saying this for ages but it is only when an old white male confirms their tale that it takes credence. Talk about inbred racism

Anyways off to see the fragrant GG to set the date. First Thursday after Harris's forthcoming appearance at the Ipperwash inquiry should set the seal on my victory

It was one of the toughest decisions of my tenure. Go back to Ottawa and have to endure both the music and whining of Bono, or sit through one of our country's premier sporting events, the Grey Cup In the end, and on the promise that I would not be involved in any ceremonial kick-off, I decided to pocket a bit of dosh on ebay for my complimentary concert ticket and sat through interminable hours - yes there was overtime - watching a game played by a bunch of second-class yanks each of whom would give it all up to be on the sidelines for one meaningless NFL game.

Bono must be in therapy and coming to the realization that his threat to be a pain in the ass has backfired

Well perhaps he'll get this message. I know you want a greater spread of wealth so that your CD sales go up
But Aboriginals are our Africans and giving to one means zilch for the other

Bottom line: If you ain't got a vote - You won't get a groat (a former English silver coin worth four pennies. Ed)

In contrast to business, politicians spend far too much of their time with people who have not made the most of their opportunities and/or are looking to me to bail them out: like the blacks in Toronto, Air India victims, and of course my caucus of backbench MP's

Well yesterday it was the First Nations turn and I got well and truly stitched up here

Convinced it would be a good idea to wear a traditional metis jacket at the roundtable, I found myself thrust inside an outfit that was Wild Bill Hickcock meets Laura Ashley

The only saving grace would be if the premiers would be similarly attired - I could just picture Ralph Klein in a headdress - but no they were all sober-suited.

And all this after I had promised them they would have the same standard of living as the rest of Canadians within a decade! It's going to be a tough job but I reckn ten more years of Liberal majority and we should have brought the rest of the populace down to their level

Well after 6 months of deliberation, all but two weeks of which were down to negotiating his remuneration, Bob Rae has finally voted himself a new job.

He will undertake a personal venture in the form of a 'focused, policy-based public inquiry' whatever the hell that means

The families were nitpicky about its terms so I'm sure they will pan the results thus scuppering any thoughts Rae has of launching a run for my position on the back of his report. The chances of that job opening up are becoming remoter by the minute. Thanks Ralph

No. I'm not that pleased to see you. It's just Phil Fontaine in my pocket

The nation chief has been berating NDP leader, Jack Layton, for considering bringing down the government prior to my meeting with the aboriginal leaders in Kelowna

Jack's riposte

The point exactly though of course he fails to appreciate it. The last thing Fontaine and his fellow chiefs want is any decisions to be reached, particularly anything involving more responsibility and self-discipline heaped on their shoulders

No it's much more fun to berate whichever government is in power at more talks in resort areas. I hear Phil is a skiing buff and is looking forward to some early-season powder snow at Big White