No, I mean it has been several hours since their release (without any obvious assitance by Canadian troops) and there has been no statement from our wonderful new Tory government

Trouble tracking down where Peter Mackay's sleeping I guess. Tee-hee

Get onto it newshounds

I am, of course, referring to the inaugural world baseball classic
After near humiliation by a South African team whose outfielders' routes would have been out of place on a high school team, Corey Koskie did for Canada what he could never do in Canada when with the Blue jays i.e. hit a three run homer. We hang on to beat a US team that took us far too lightly causing interest in tthe competition to rise a hundredfold (yep 200 people watched the match).

Then after having already had in place a strategy to get through to the next round ie having our best(sic) starting pitcher face the beaners our knuckle-headed manger Ernie Whitt(less) failed to adapt once circumstances had changed All we had to do was agree with Mexico that they could win a low scoring game and we were both through.

You don't think the representatives of that country would be 'open to persuasion'? After all who would they rather be facing further down the line - us or the US. Come on

But oh no. He relied on his players and it was basically over after one inning

It's not as though the victory over the US of A is looking thatimpressive. They have subsequently lost to Korea and only defeated Japan thanks to a gross error by an American umpire (whats he doing in a game his country is playing in?) deemed not good enough for the major leagues

Oh well back to the Curling

As Iraq lurches towards civil war - something that will take the eye off the mounting US death toll - it is good to see that Tony Blair can still rely on his speechwriters to come up with a bon mot. He condemned the mosque bombing as

I'm betting he's hoping that in the next destruction of a shrine they find some human excreta so that he can swiftly amend the above to

Anything to deflect the constant barrage of criticism he gets for supporting Dubya come hell or high water.

One theory for this perverse attitude is that in their cranky born-again vaguely masonic way, Bush is some sort of Supreme Being to which Blair is obliged to abase himself

I don't buy that. The more likely reason that he's the White House's poodle is that he was caught with the White House poodle. And there are incriminating photos to prove it

The area I'm interested in is appellation profiling. The more I reflect on the election the more I see that S Harper had the best name. The electorate thought that meant he would be clever and adroit when in fact he represents the meaning "artful, bent, crafty, cunning, deceitful, designing, feather legs, ornery, salty, shady, shrewd, slick, slippery, sly, smart, snake, two-faced, underhand, unethical, unscrupulous, wil" as they are now discovering.

In contrast Duceppe conjures up being duped, and Layton would be late-on reacting - not what you want from a PM. I, of course have a neutral name - good for second place only. It is only in hindsight we can tell what would work for instance my predecessor got the sympathy vote not just for his lack of looks but also his idiot surname

The same theory could apply to country names. One of the most reviled countries, Haiti, is currently in the news for more bad reasons. Our GG hardly did much for her homeland by escaping at the first opportunity but with its low cost of living and beautiful climate and beaches it has much going for it

So why does it fail. Simply the name. Change it to Lovey and you'ld have West End and Broadway stars flocking there followed by papparazi, gawkers etc.. All of a sudden the Bahamas would be old news

Just a thought

Luckily we signed up this gas guzzler for air miles - now you know why sheila comes with me. I could do with some as the Witchfinder-General got a bit snippy when I applied for them after the South East Asia tsunami trip
I've hadn't realised there were so many parts of the country I never want to see again.

I got told Harper had never travelled outside of North America. What a Little.. er.. Albertaner. Obviously a man of no culture (in contrast,I saw Mamma Mia in London's West End !) or wealth, either of which should automatically disbar him from leadership of the country

The Tories later put out a press release that he had actually been to Europe, several times on my trips. Looking back, I suppose he must have been that guy who sat in the corner sticking pins into Martin Luther King bobbleheads. Bit difficult to tell with one of those white pointy hoods over his head, though

Well I never saw that buzz-saw coming

It would have been more appropriate if we'd met in a hardware store rather than a coffee shop Then maybe I could have covered Hargrove with some of that duct tape used on Ralph Klein Two Questions

• Why did I take anyone calling himself Buzz seriously
• Doesn't he have a real job to go to

British security agents have thwarted an attempt to kidnap Tony Blairs five-year-old son, Leo. Think of the sympathy vote that would have engendered. And I'm sure a million or so for the ransom could easily have been hidden in the $2billion gun registry budget

But oh no. My namby-pamby sons never think of the greater good

The tide is turning. Check out the latest poll

• Liberals 47%
• NDP 25%
• Greens 17%
• Conservatives 2%
• Not Voting 9%

Although I appreciate that the sample population may not fully reflect the national electorate, I am heartened by the result. After all if those most closely aware of our corruption and incompetence still back us we should have no trouble fooling the clueless plebs

BUT..
to be on the safe side I have decided we ought to take a leaf out our opponents' book.
Layton wants to borrow your vote, Harper wants to buy it so why shouldnt we steal it - in the nicest possible way of course

In the 2004 election, turnout was around 64% and is predicted to be even lower this time around. What sort of people are the stay-at-homes?

Change is in the air, being trumpeted by both the Tories and Dippers, so those staying at home consist of the apathetic, crippled, scared of cold weather, oblivious, high on drugs/alcohol or so uneducated they cannot tell Jan 23rd from a hill of beans.

In other words, Our natural constituency! And what's the point of protecting all these minoritiies and doling out our largesse to them if they dont actually reciprocate by voting for us.
Hey it's only an 'x'. You can be illiterate and still determine the country's future

Even with the freefall in the polls the 35% this group represents ought to see us to the 40% mark - enough for an overall majority!

So how is this to be achieved? Well here's something I never thought I would hear myself saying. We could learn something from the Aussies

Compulsory voting

I'll check with my constitutional lawyers to see if there is any chance we could have an emergency recall of parliament to get this on the books before D-day

When this tale started a month ago with me stating how much I enjoyed campaigning, I would not have predicted the current sorry state. If you had told me that, at the CBC, news of the election would usurped by stories of a couple of Canadian soldiers in a German hosptal fortunately, not the case

The aforementioned patients are two of the victims of a kamikaze attack in Afghanistan. A spokesman Maj. Nick Withers stated

Gee thanks for that. Obviously a proponent of two-tier medicine over here and probably part of the coup d'etat apparantly planned by the Conservatives (you did you see that ad, didn't you).

The patients have been put into a medically-induced coma a la Sharon. Obviously the procedure de jour and one which I wouldnt mind volunteering for tout de suite, I'm tellin ya.

Re Afghanistan: I have never had one person raise with me the merit of Canada's involvement. Says more about Canadians' awareness than any support for the operation

That's gonna change in a hurry - the Yanks are pulling out so you know worse is to come - but it is looking like it may not be my problem. Worst news is that I can't even make it a wedge issue. Harper supports the involvement but ex-Upper Canada College Defence Minister, Bill Graham only recently upped our commitment to 2,200 troops.

I guess that's 2118 now

Spending time in Regina naturally led to thoughts of queens and the current interest in them over in old Blighty

The Brits are now following our lead on same-sex and Sir Elton is one of the first to make a move, marrying a Scarborough lad no less. The wedding, traditionally taken at the home of the bride, is taking place in England so I suppose that means David Furnish is the boy in the relationship. Thank goodness for small mercies

Moving on to the real thing, HRH is having her upteenth portrait done by that lovable rogue Rolf, 'Tie me kangaroo down sport' Harris. He's a ex-Aussie so I would have thought he would have come out with something a bit shocking but apparantly it's a 'comfy' rendition of the old biddy

Still I'm sure this would have crossed his mind, unless his lack of a Latin education meant he had the obvious rhymeto the praire province's capital

Sipping tea from the finest bone china
Rolf said "Pose on this recliner"
'I can now do the queen
As she's never been seen
with a view of her bum and vagina'

Hopefully the Quebeckers fall for all this celebrity stuff. God knows how being cooped up in a metal box miles above the earth's surface entitles you to a political career is beyond me but I'd rather he was one of us than one of them

Poor old Michael Ignatieff got roughed up at his show and I'm not sure he's going to get in Still it's a win-win for me. If he's elected it means we will form the government again and I can put him in the Foreign Office. He is on the same intellectual plane as Condo' Lisa , something poor old PP can only aspire to. When he says he cannot understand what she is saying it is because the concepts are difficult to grasp, when she brings forward the same comment it his accent that is at fault.

And if MG loses? Well we will probably be in opposition and that will be one tarnished rival who won't be able to launch a leadership campaign

Bono must be in therapy and coming to the realization that his threat to be a pain in the ass has backfired

Well perhaps he'll get this message. I know you want a greater spread of wealth so that your CD sales go up
But Aboriginals are our Africans and giving to one means zilch for the other

Bottom line: If you ain't got a vote - You won't get a groat (a former English silver coin worth four pennies. Ed)

If he hadn't blotted his copy book in the Middle east by invading Iraq, he could have taken a leaf out of our book by quitely shipping them off to Syria, Saudi Arabia etc. for an indefinite stay without due legal process

Bewailing his fate, he came out with this pathetic line

I suppose he has tasted the latter re Iraq - though come to think of it that was more a case of doing the wrong thing and losing (heh-heh)

Apparantly, he has the police and public on his side so it would be no surprise to me if, when he gets turfed from power politically, the fanatically ambitious one attempts an armed coup to regain power

However, the few bleeding hearts (mainly at the CBC) who have been pursuing the story have failed to focus on the salient point about Ahmed Elmaati, Muayyed Nureddin, Abdullah Almalki and Maher Arar. No I don't mean they are Muslim. Recognizing that would be discrimination. No I mean it is their names that gets them into trouble.

If only they had the foresight to pick a surname like Smith, Jones or say ... Robinson they would be less likely to be singled out in the first place

Top that up with Christian first name sugeesting a healthy lifestyle, something Scandinavian say like Per, Lars or for instance ... Svend

Hey you could get away with murder - or at least the theft of some pretty expensive jewellry - with a name like that

Argentina's most celebrated soccer star, Maradona, is planning on leading a march - apparantly he is best buddies with the excluded Fidel Castro. The guy is an icon here in spite of being an obese, coke addict who recently admitted his most famous goal against England in the 1986 World Cup was punched in

So Andre Boisclair still has one or two vices to pick up if he wants to be acclaimed the new PQ leader

• Chirac is facing riots in the streets
• A top White House Aide is appearing in court
• The Germans cannot form a Government
• Blair has lost a Cabinet minister and a large sector of his party

Oh and my predecessor has to foot his legal bill for challenging Gomery. Ain't Life Sweet

I was trying to get them to go burial rather than cremation suggesting that, for coffins, softwood would make a useful compromise betwen their traditional shroud and the hardwood versions preferred in the developed world

Some may say I'm being insensitive taking advantage of other peoples grief. I prefer to look it as every cloud has a silver lining

I mean they're dead already, right

As it happens, the threat of disease and need for instant disposal of remains rules this out this time around. However, I am sure I have sown a seed with some enterprising exporter
Hence my new draft strapline

Always. In every way. Working for Canada

I was intrigued by his surname - not very Hispanic - and he told me he had chnged it from zorro twenty odd years ago in respect of our very own Terry Fox He also believed it helpes with his election as Back to the future (starring our very own Michaerl J Fox) is by far the biggest grossing film in Mexican history. He's thinking of changing it back though as the Legend of Zorro starring Antonio Banderas is about to hit the screens

He also believed his height (6'6" a foot taller than his average countryman) was an advantage - backward people think it indicates a man of stature in more ways than one. According to him, some Indians take it even further. In their case, the fattest candidate indicating the most succesful. Apparantly they sometimes don't bother having election debates but just cut the guff and bring out a weighing machine

Luckily, in my case, Canadians are more influenced by looks

A deluded Herr Schroeder

And the least persuasive rallying call I have ever heard, from Frau Merkel

Pistols at dawn would be my recommendation but I fear they would both miss

Unless I can finagle my way out of it, we have an election here in the next few months and - having just spent the last few days with that walking disaster Pettigrew - I suppose I had better prepare for a similar eventuality

I'm not sure that I wouldn't mind splitting the role with Harper - to be honest its only a part time job anyways and not all it's cracked up to be. I'll take Monday thru wednesday, he can have the next three days. Layton gets Sunday.

Worry not concerned Canadians, no officials are around then so nothing would get implemented on his watch

Unfortunately, ex UCC student 'Butch Bill' ( Minister of defence Bill Graham. Ed) took advantage of the larger defence budget to get away from the smog of Ontario and fly up there a week or so ago to - literally - raise the flag.

His cover story is that its important for our soveriegnty in the Arctic with murmurings that the US are interested in claimong the North West passage. Of course, he is really just trying the old 'Captain Canada' act that brieflly catapulted linguistically-challenged Brian Tobin to the forefront of Canadian politics in a dispute with Spain over fish

It has certainly caused a lot of interest in the blogosphere with plenty of 'our armed forces are bigger than your armed forces' rhetoric. I'm just grateful we have a while before parliament resumes. In the interim we probably need to come up with an alternative name - like the Malvinas for the Falkland Islands. The GG has already been on to me suggesting the Adriennas - reflecting her own 59 member delegation circumpolar trip promoting Canda as the modern North. I'd better come up with some alternatives before her idea gets a head of steam

Any Ideas?

Their insistence on maintaining a shoot to kill policy regardless is absurdly stubborn. If I was Blair I'd amend it to shoot to disable whilst insisting that bullets should be aimed at the head. That should mollify the critics whilst ending up with the same result, one ex- mistaken-for-a-terrorist.

Seems like Blair still has the press in his pocket, though. No-one seems to be mentioning that the head of a Police force that failed to be aware of either set of bombings ahead of time, has yet to capture any of the four or five suspects and has managed to antagonize the entire continent of South America is also named Blair(Sir Ian. Ed.). Don't tell me he's not some relative. It won't wash. According to my info, the chances of this being a coincidence are about 1 in 3333. You'ld get better odds on Harper being PM in a year's time and how unlikely is that!

• Winning the party leadership
• Securing most seats at an election
• Defeating a no-confidence motion

Perhaps that is why I got a bit giddy in my post-vote speech

I hope no-one points out it's the NDP vision of Canada
and

Somewhat surprisingly, none of my fellow G8 leaders has called for advice yet. Must be a time-zone thing
In fact, the only call I have had on the subject was from Zimbabwe's President Mugabe. He said that during my tenure as Prime Minister we had already set the standards and that was the only thing that allowed him to sleep at night
That was kind of him. I think

The child care deal in Newfoundland gave me the opportunity to lay into a couple of Tory MP's for not supporting our budget. Both of them saw their share of the vote drop dramatically last time out and a 3% swing will see them fall

Slipped up a bit on the Darfur front. The Sudanese ambassador says her country will not allow Canadian troops into the region so I might as well have agreed to Kilgour's request for 500 troops - well make it 499 to show who's boss.

Still a promise to the Canadian Cancer society should bring sufferer Chuck Cadman onside and a gratuitous comment about Dubya will confirm Carolyn Parrish's support so all is not lost

He had it on good authority that the women are still extremely grateful to Canadians for their liberation from the Nazi jackboot and are willing to show it in the time-honoured fashion often two at a time - hence the expression 'Double Dutch'

Anyway it turns out his information was half right-half wrong

The good news. The women are as open to offering sex as they were in 1945
The bad news. It's the same women proffering their wares. Eighty years old if they're a day

The Dutch girls are willing, no wonder
The Canucks tore the Nazis asunder
My dear old Pop
Went over the top
But I get to go 'Down Under'

Well at least i would have done if Sheila hadn't insisted on coming

Ms Clarkson (I wonder what her husband thinks about her keeping her former husband's name) a bizarre appointment of my predecessor is obviously clearly miffed at us cutting back on her regular foreign jaunts with her 'pals'. She is now appears to be spending money on grotesque hats

So now the 7,600 Canadians who were killed in the Netherlands know what they died for. So that a Chinese woman could become Commander-in-Chief of the Canadian Forces and wear haute couture at their rememberance services. I could almost hear the sound of graves spinning back here

On a brighter note, I have convinced the leaders of all opposition parties to attend the final ceremony next Monday. At such short notice, the cheapest first class flights from Ottawa to Amsterdam cost $12,000 and take around 15hrs. If any of them want a lift in my Challenger jet, I can probably tap them up for 20 grand apiece. Cha-ching

He is setting out his infallibility stall by refusing to say sorry for the war in Iraq and insisting that he never lies.

The voters don't believe him - apparantly his pants-on-fire whoppers are called the Blare Flare - but his party leads in the polls by nine points and is coasting to victory on the back of a reliable and beloved finance minister.

Does any one sense a parallel, here

No it's not for practicing what I preach on same-sex, it's that self-appointed "pain-in-my-ass", Bono

He has been rattling on about how I have reneged on the committment I made for 0.7% of GDP for Foreign Aid - neglecting to take account of all the worldwide jaunts I have made which properly should be charged to that account

A more plausible explanation for his bile is that he knows that I have rumbled his status as a power groupie. His PR put out that our erstwhile cosy relationship was an attempt by me to attract the youth vote. More likely he hoped that my hyping of his latest CD would help sales. Well sorry, Paddy, but I'm a Jim Reeves man myself

He even had the temerity to call me a 'good man' knowing full well that since Dubya anointed that moniker on John Bolton, the obseqious bully he wants as US Ambassador to the UN, it's the number one insult

So sorry sunshine but that picture of us on my official site is definitely going, probably

Firstly, after splitting up with one of the most desirable women on the planet, he marries a female whose apparant penchant for Capstan Full Strength means her aroma matches her looks
Secondly, he shakes hands with Robert Mugabe at the Pope's funeral - a dictator who terrorises his people but whose saving grace is that his country possesses no oil. I understand that, fortunately, Charles's excuse "All Blacks look the same to me" has yet to reach the British media.
But what seals my diagnosis is his choice of honeymoon. Scotland? In early April!

As luck would have it I had a chance to confirm my suspicions that he had inherited a gene from his predecessor, the completely cuckoo, George III, As you can imagine, for a person of a certain age sitting through an intolerably long service can be a trial and so I rushed to the executive john as soon as I could decently escape. The next stall was inhabited by none other than Prince Chuck so I sneaked a quick peek to see the colour of his pee ( George III's 'madness' is believed to have beem due to a rare blood disorder called porphyria, one of whose symptoms is dark red urine. Ed.)

Amazingly, for somebody so used to the public limelight, he suffers from performance anxiety so I was unable to confirm my theory at first hand

But I am not like that as my statement shows

N.B. 'virtually'

Given the horizontal-only protocol for work affairs, a PM has very slim pickings. I suppose in her day Maggie would have been OK if you were after a dominatrix and if Hil ary looks like getting in in 2008, I'll order a box of Cubans in case she wants a touch of the penetration-reperations over Bill

I wonder if that Burmese bint is still under house-arrest(Pro-democracy leader, Aung San Suu Kyi, was released in May 2002.Ed.) If so she must be gagging for it

What a bunch of pussies Canadians are

An Economist hack came slithering
With allegations withering
My measured approach
Was met with reproach
He even accused me of dithering

OK so I did say in French

At QT I even gave the Opposition three reasons for my pronouncement

1. I clearly said we support the UN resolution that they withdraw
2. They should not be there. But while they are they mght as well keep the peace
3. I was misunderstood

   You'ld think they would be grateful for the options

Two points need to be made

• PP (Pierre Pettigrew Ed.) currently heads up the department. Who in their right minds wouldn't want his responsibilities reduced?
• Any alliterative phrase is purely rhetorical and completely non-binding. Politics 101

Unfortunately, this is all wishful thinking. Pee-Pee (Foreign Minister, Pierre Pettigrew. Ed.) is going out there to set the stage trumpeting that "Canada is a country that has a great deal of credibility in the region." Yep I'm sure that a guy who missed Arafat's funeral because he was 'stuck in a traffic jam' is held in really high regard by the Palestinians

It also puts the lie that this decison was held up as we had not allowed the extradition of Lai Changxing, whom the authorities there want for smuggling activities
Mind you, the sooner he gets thrown out of the country the better. It's not even as though he's been allowed refugee status
In fact, his case first came before the refugee board in June 2001. What with him and Harjit Singh (Judy Sgro case. Ed.), who has been fighting deportation for more than a decade, our immigration/judicial system is in a mess. We can't seem to get any unsavoury characters out of the country without making them an Ambassador

Reduce Waiting Lists! It's Canadian's number 1 priority

I bet Bill Graham was the "senior official" that provided the Post with the low-down. What a bastard. I'll get Scott to drop that idea off the record to some of our press. They can take revenge on Graham for leaving them out of the loop

And just let that little toe-rag try and put his travel and translating expenses on the Government's tab

For Canucks there's a certain cachet
About being a les or a gay
But all of the Sikhs
Are calling them freaks
With warnings of judgment day

But why do I get all this flak
I've never been caught in the sack
With a dyke or a queen
I think its obscene
I do wish they'd get off my back

Does my brain never stop working?

Forced to wear same outfit for second day running - nice black and white check shirt with safari jacket - as the wardrobe had already been selected a couple of weeks ago when this was a strictly commercial trip
I managed to get away with retaining just a sip of the 'purified water' in my mouth and then spitting it out when off-camera

That poignant story I told about the boy whose father died in the tsunami has backfired. Apparantly the man I originally pegged as his dad looks nothing like him. I'm sure white people all look the same to Sri Lankans and lots of them thought I was a film star

p.s. Must make sure we don't pick up the tab for that helicopter ride to the DART location

Sheila and I took a poignant walk on the beach. No hawkers so it looks as though we'll have to pay shop prices for any souvenirs

I then spent some time with the RCMP forensic team. Grisly work but my mind kept wandering. Was it wondering how a benevolent God could allow such grief or marvelling how human beings turn towards each other in a time of need- unless they are fighting a civil war, of course. No that wasn't it

I spoke to Thailand's interior minister. Apparantly in some areas the entire fishing industry was wiped out in a day, something it took more than a decade of government mis-management to achieve on our own East coast. Unfortunately, my first offer of aid does not seem a runner as he could not see how four submarines could easily be adapted into shrimp vessels.

I've got it now. Damn. I forgot to tape CSI

You can never be too careful and I certainly don't want to rely on purified water coming out of the DART operation. That's been a cock-up from start to finish

His outfit looked like a set of bedclothes and apparantly that's quite appropriate

He told me although he is not really worried about assasination attempts he still keeps up the pretence in Libya. That way he can justify continuing to sleep in a different bed every night. The husband is forced to vacate but the wives are encouraged to remain. Even allowing for abstaining during religious holiday, he reckons he has slept with 10,000 different women since the coup in 1969! His hero is Wilt Chamberlain

Of course I'm a family man but on the other hand how can I be a good Catholic without experiencing guilt

According to him, Saddam Hussein pulled the same trick in Iraq and Bush invaded solely from "conquest envy"

Hope we don't need to reciprocate on a visit. If so, 24 Sussex will definitely be out of bounds