I cannot say this scandal has drawn me in much over the past decade. Our summer vacations never include slumming it with the sort of people who can only afford a camping vacation.

Indeed the only aspect that interested me was the patronising attitude shown to the injured injun by referring to him as Dudley George. Dudley George what? Doesn't he have a surname or is it something like "flowering eternal blossom' and we're too PC to mention it?

Anyways the guy who shot him, Officer Kenneth Deane, died yesterday in a car crash as he was 'attempting to steer around vehicles', with an 'unidentified passenger'. Probably need another Rouyal commission to get to the bottom of that.

Still divine retribution. If I was Mike Harris, I'd get my ears waxed before the golf season starts. He won't want to miss hearong 'Fore' as a golf ball hurtles towards his head at 100mph

Like a piece of grit (no pun intended) in a sweaty sock, our Native Brethren are a small but consistently irritating nuisance

They are now complaining about E coli in their drinking water. Three points

• We all have millions of E coli in our intestines. What makes you so special
• If you don't like the tapped stuff - melt some frigging ice
• With all that alcohol gushing down your throats I'm amazed there is room for water

Whatever, it's landed us in a right pickle. I only put Andy Scott in the position of Minister responsible on the understanding he was a descedant of 'Scott of the Arctic' and could stand more than a trip a year to the hogerlands. His brain obviously froze over

A perfect solution would have been DART but they just happen to be off on their fifth wasted journey in a decade

What makes it worse is that that prat McGuinty has stolen the show with a Search and Rescue mission and taunts of 'Missing In Action' about us feds

Well if he has the money for that then just let him come crying to me about Ontario's deficit

Is there no end to this woman's hubris!

Still smarting that I chose a more-glamouros successor rather than her pedantic husband, she has now created two awards in her name! One a hockey cup for women and the other a medal to be awarded each year to an individual who has made an outstanding contribution to the "evolution and constant reaffirmation" of Northern Canada.

She had the efforntery, yesterday, to send me a fax 'as a courtesy' to tell me about them and remind me that as she is the Governor-General I had to bow to her wishes.

Aligning herself with a sport trophy is ludicrous as I doubt if she's handled a ball (of any description) let alone been pucked in years. And then after all my trips to the frozen North she had the gall to say

Her final words to me were that her first inclination was to rename Nunavut, Clarksonland, but that she was concerned the natives would celebrate so long and hard leading to even greater alcoholism. She'd settle to be the first recipient of the medal!

And she's still got one week to go

I've never been into jitterbug music myself. No idea why anyone would want to listen to it again once they have ever sampled this

However, as always, I put the country first. There has been a lot of talk about not rebuilding New Orleans and I'm pretty sure anyone with the means or talent will want to get out. So why not entice a few of the more popular residents, like Fats Domino (an obvious candidate to introduce to the South Beach Diet) up to Montreal making it the Jazz capital of the World. I'm assuming all the French quarter residents already parlez-la francais and their notorious extra-curricular substance ingesting activities would also fit in there

Wouldn't do any harm with the voters in La Belle Province either

Time for my obligatory annual visit out westish (sans Calgary and softwood country naturellement) just to show how inclusive I am and cough up some money from sponsors. Thanks (but no thanks) to my predecessor there is a $5,000 limit on contributions so the reception will be a tea not tequila affair.

First stop, however, was a presentation by some grandiloquently named think-tank the Canada West Foundation. I could tell from the make up of the executive board - seven men and a female secretary - that they were in tune with my sensibilities and would be quite happy for me to nod off during their presentations as long as they got some publicity. It also enabled me to name drop Anne McLellan showing that Westerners can hope for preferment. Midget Mac does have her uses - well use to be strictly accurate

Not sure what it will do for Africans but the plan to hold a Live 8 concert in Canada is causing strife in Ontario where the mayors of Barie and Toronto are battling over where it should be held

The main fuss is over too many white bands - but I guess the record companies of the world do not have enough good third world artists they wish to promote
Lets see who we could offer er Bryan Adams, Tragically Hip, Barenaked Ladies, Avril Lavigne, Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Sarah McLaughlin... I guess that's why we're called the Great White North.
I might go if Jann Arden is appearing. I might earn a bit of commission by signing the chubby minstrel up to the South Beach diet

It's kind of disappointing that U2 were already scheduled to appear elsewhere. I'm sure the ambitious Joe Volpe could have found a way to enhance his standing with me by stopping Bono at the airport for a few hours so he missed the gig ( The PM has a long-running feud with the lead singer and advocate for Ed.)

The CBC are reporting that Midget-Mac (Anne McLellan. Ed.) - or some of her associates - was seen erecting election posters in her constituency

I'm afraid she has gone soft in the head as I naturally turn my affections away from her and towards the more alluring Belinda

We'll come up with some excuse but it only serves to confirm the obvious. We want an election now

• The Tories are in turmoil with Harper's ineffectiveness showing up more and more
• Gomery is hibernating so no more stories are coming out until his report
• Joe Volpe assures me he can keep the Gruwal saga going
• The long term effects of the Medicare supreme court decision are troubling i.e. we actually have to do something. However, the short term ramifications in terms of allowing us to trumpet ourselves as the party to save Medicare during an election campaign are compelling
• If Duceppe announces that he plans to leave to head the PQ, the Bloc will either have a lame duck leader or a distracting leadership contest. If he stays we can call him a coward
• The polls suggest a majority government is a possibility. Assuming we contrive to get defeated on the budget we have the old double-whammy. Forced to call an election and able to ditch the NDP aspects of the budget when we return to undisputed power

Gave Landry a generous sendoff. Well it can't do any harm as I can now justifiably sow dissension between him and his successor. Along the lines of "I admired Landry's dedication to his province but his successor neglects the people with a blinkered obsession with seperation..."

Also don't want to be a persona no grata down the line if by chance there are checks at the border

Quiet day in Canadian politics. Bernard Landry resigns

I usually only involve myself in provincial politics when it comes to handing out the largesse but I hope federal Tories appreciate the significance of Bernad Landry's resignation. The Quebec Liberals under Charest are a disaster but they were still given a fighting chance at the next vote with Landry heading the PQ.
At the federal level, things could hardly be going worse for us but with Harper at the helm...

Why encourage removal of the hapless Harper, you may ask? Well in Duceppe, the PQ have a ready-to-be-acclaimed leader. In contrast, the federal Tories have no good candidates and would probably split again with a left-right internecine warfare between Mackay and Kenney factions.

An amazing article in the Toronto Star today from David Olive

It starts by linking Harper with disgraced politician Richard Nixon via a quote "Look at that face, that hateful face." and continues in the same vein

Normally I would be affronted that an article of such an unceasing bile ever got printed in Canada's top-selling newspaper but, hey, when the ends justify the means

The Toronto Star characterised my latest act of loosening the purse strings as

That was nice of them especially as the truth is it was independent MP David Kilgour who got me to cough up millions in the form of military personnel, equipment and finacial aid for the Sudan's war-torn Darfur region

In normal times an independent MP is as powerful as a guppy in a sea pf piranhas but here he completely outdid Ontario's premier Dalton McGuinty who settled for $5.75 billion over five years, less than 5% of what he was demanding

At last, someone I can out-negotiate

We have been using ex-pat and Oxford don, Jennifer Welsh in an attempt to give some credence to our foreign policy review so I thought I'd better read her book - one so influential amazon.com don't even appear to stock it

Anyways, its pretty turgid stuff reevaluating mantras such as "Canada as America's best friend" and "Canada as a middle Power" and promising in the final chapter to introduce the concept of "Canada as a Model Citizen". I can hardly contain myself. Does this mean we collect every countries refuse and dump it in the North? Pleeeease!

She even manages to bring in that hoary old tale about living next door to an elephant; as always attributed to Trudeau, though I'm fairly sure he nicked it off some journalist

As is often the case, the only point of interest is completely incidental to her tract. In an attempt to boost her Canadian credentials the author gives some completely irrelevant family history in the Preface (much further in and I would have missed it). Apparantly, intermarriage between early European immigrants and Native was very common and helped bring the two communities together and restrict racial prejudice.

Of course it didn't last long and these 'country wives' were soon 'turned off' leading to the state of affairs we find to this day as exemplified by the current Ahenakew trial

Unlike my predecessor, who was all mouth and no trousers, I propose to do something about the situation and show true leadership by resurrecting the concept next time I'm up there and take (in every meaning of the word) a country wife. Of course the more mature members of the Native population may take offence so I feel a teenager would be the best option. Of course the issue of HIV is a concern so I'll need to encourage more testing up there. They seem a bit wary of medical procedures but I'm sure 200 ciggys and a 12 pack of Molson will be incentive enough

Strange dream last night

One of Terri Schiavo's doctor's walks out of her room into Newfoundland. His stethoscope morphs into Jason Giambi's baseball bat which he uses to beat a cub seal. Just before it expires the seal turns round and pleads "I'm already an HIV-carrying alcoholic dying of lung-cancer"

What does it all mean?

From out West I hear the sound of bellowing and stamping of feet.
Calgary Rednecks? Not this time. Cattle settling in for a long wait at the border before they can cross into the States
Some country judge in Montana has thwarted the US government which I'm guessing didn't put up much of a fight
Still no party problems on this one. We only have a couple of MP's out there: Midget McLellean whose bleating barely makes it above my groin area and some other guy whose name I've forgotten
Hope its sorted before my annual trip out West for the Calgary Stampede though - otherwise I'll have to take a bullet-proof 37.85 litre hat

Dalton McGuinty repeated his demand for more money for Ontario

So that's one claim I can safely ignore. But I'm betting Premier Williams is spitting at the dig. Shame he doesn't have any Ontarian flags he can lower

Another Bullseye

I see Williams and McGuinty(Provincial Premiers. Ed.) are already at each other's throats over equalization payments

Part of my D(ivide) A(nd) R(ule) T(actics)

Just call me 'Machiavellian' Martin (heh-heh)

Dalton McGuinty, not content with denying me a majority government, (Ontario Premiers broken promises hurt Liberals in federal election. Ed) is now bleating about the momentous deal I arrived at with Newfoundland and Nova Scotia
Compare his quote
With my predecessor at the Gomery
More ends justify the means codswallop and the same type of argument that Bush uses for invading Iraq to 'save the world' Doesn't anyone study logic and ethics anymore?

It's a business maxim that a successful negotiation leaves both parties happy. Of course, this is more easily achieved if a third party uninvolved in the talks suffers the consequences. So thanks to the other provinces. Heh-heh

We've been putting out that the financial arrangements are very complicated which has, of course, scared off all those innumerate hacks. With Harper obsessed by the sponsorship scandal, I'm not expecting too much flak in Parliament on this. Mind you, it would have been even better if the tsunami had arrived a month later
I have little doubt that renewal of the contract in eight years time will be the subject of some dubious accounting practices but by then I should be well esconced in NY ( ref PM's ambitions to become next Secretary-General of the UN. Ed.)

Jean Charest had to back down. What a hoot. Sounded like he hadn't discussed the proposal with anyone. He should know that leadership consists of extending deliberations as long as possible in the hope that the problem goes away.
Mind you, The Jewish community can hardly ask for their money back. The Quebec Liberal party could be $750,000 to the good, money they desperately need. I don't expect many of the local advertizing firms are coughing up as much as usual

Typical isn't it? Travel halfway round the world to get a compassion photo-op and then there's a natural disaster in our own 'backyard' - though if I was travelling Air Canada it would take longer to get to B.C.(WildCat strike. Ed.)
At the time of writing, the death toll is only one, thank goodness. If it tops Canadian mortalities in the tsunami I'll be forced to go out West, particularly as I don't want our hold on the North Vancouver seat 'sliding' away. Though I suppose we could recategorise the missing to presumed dead, like the Indonesians
I hate Vancouver in the winter and hear the weather has been even worse than usual

As the most successful finance minister in Canadian history, I am regularly asked what makes the most successful investment
Although I never admit it publicly, the fact is that contributions to the Liberal party, national or provincial, give a stupendous rate of return
It looks like the Jewish schools in Quebec have figured that out obtaining $10 million per annum for what I'm betting was a very moderate investment

I cannot believe how many times the flag comes to my rescue

• Sheila Copps left her department $13 million short of cash in a personal campaign to blanket the country with Canadian flags
• The disintegrating flag ad in the election rescued our campaign
• Now Danny Williams has alienated the rest of the country by taking down the flags

  Sheila bought me a pair of boxers in the design of the flag for Christmas. She says it's always covering my arse

Danny Williams walking out of a meeting is no surprise to me.

If I've said it once I've said it une fois "Successful businessmen should never enter politics"

He is saying that I clearly promised him 100% of offshore revenues. I challenge you to find one person I have had a conversaion with who has ever accused me of such clarity

I see Ralph Klein's plans to make the next Provincial election his last. I hope he stays on long enough to be around for the next federal election. With Preston retired and Stockwell sidelined we're running out of bogeymen