Sorry about the hiatus but as you may know I have been assuidiously discharging my duties as a constituency MP by (ahem) taking a vacation in California

Luckily, this prior arrangement allowed me to miss the bash Sheila Copps event (shouldnt that be Sheila Copps bash event Ed.) at which the nobodies of the party have their one flirtation with the notion that they may be somebody by seeking out nomination to be party leader.

Of course, the heavyweights, Mckenna, Tobin, Manley and, I believe, Rock all want to 'spend more time with my family' a euphemism for 'I want to spend more time coining it in private business - you didn't think I went into public service to serve the public, did you?!'. No doubt if they were assured of victory their egos and lust for power would cause a rapid volte-face (that's about turn for you , Brian). After all it is as logically certain as that night follows day that heading the party guarantees a stint as PM. But it looks like the party are going to go outside the loyalists remembering with rose-coloured spectacles the days when the Pearsons and Trudeaus were plucked from the outer circle
So it's those who have only a fleeting affiliation, if any, with the Liberal party e.g the Brison, Sronach, Ignatieff and Rae's of this world who will be fighting it out by the end of this year.
Mark my words

The area I'm interested in is appellation profiling. The more I reflect on the election the more I see that S Harper had the best name. The electorate thought that meant he would be clever and adroit when in fact he represents the meaning "artful, bent, crafty, cunning, deceitful, designing, feather legs, ornery, salty, shady, shrewd, slick, slippery, sly, smart, snake, two-faced, underhand, unethical, unscrupulous, wil" as they are now discovering.

In contrast Duceppe conjures up being duped, and Layton would be late-on reacting - not what you want from a PM. I, of course have a neutral name - good for second place only. It is only in hindsight we can tell what would work for instance my predecessor got the sympathy vote not just for his lack of looks but also his idiot surname

The same theory could apply to country names. One of the most reviled countries, Haiti, is currently in the news for more bad reasons. Our GG hardly did much for her homeland by escaping at the first opportunity but with its low cost of living and beautiful climate and beaches it has much going for it

So why does it fail. Simply the name. Change it to Lovey and you'ld have West End and Broadway stars flocking there followed by papparazi, gawkers etc.. All of a sudden the Bahamas would be old news

Just a thought

I mean blogging not power

Word is that Monte Solberg may miss out on a plum Cabinet post because he was so busy blogging that the Conservatives Finacial platform was out days late and even then they did not have the numbers right

Well I'm glad to be out of it frankly - particularly the Phwagh! Cabinet - well just you try spending hours on end with Murphy, Duffy and co as the latest sweat-inducing polls come in.

Just in case you are concerned about their future prospects - after all it's quite an achievement to lose power with me at the helm - worry not. I hear Tim Murphy is to be a 'security consultant' with the Pangloss Institute whilst Scott Reid has been approached to be spokesmen for both Molson and Pop Weaver.

As for me? Well my little 'joke' about calling an election 30 days after Gomery II fell flat. I was kind of hoping the hacks would spontaneously break into a call of 'Four More Years' and I could execute a Putsch. But it was not to be. So I have fallen back on the UN Sec Gens job. I'll start by following up my work at a UN commission on increasing private investment in the Third World and use it to make contacts and set a powerbase for when Kofi AnAn leaves

When I rule the world
Every day will be the first day of spring
dum-di-dah.. dum-di-dee...

Biggest gut-check
When I stated that the result didn't matter as I was going to call an election 30 days after the second Gomery report came out anyways. There was a collective hush amongst my advisors before they all trooped out silently

Biggest regret
I didn't extend the 'guns in our cities' ad.
The Tories didnt get one seat in Montreal, Toronto or Vancouver
Coincidence? I think not.
We should have gone with "Soldiers with Guns. In our cities. In our towns. And in our villages"
Cost us the election in my view

Proudest moment
That we got 100 seats - more than 50 times what the Tories got after their comeuppance. This in spite of the fact that my predecessor landed me in this mess, his acolytes did their best to bring me down and that I had a bunch of clowns working for me
I have clearly laid a bedrock of support from which we should have no trouble winning next time out

Biggest laugh
That Belinda Stronach and Michael Ignatieff would rather be in a Ukranian prison than stuck on the opposition benches. Their tilts at the leadership will founder as the Liberals do not want a 'Born to Rule' leader thrust upon them

Next project
Well I will be pursuing my plans to become Pope and/or UN leader
Also putting the finishing touches to my book "Paul Martin - My Part in his Downfall'

Let's face it it this hasn't been a fair contest.
People apparantly basing their decision on our past record; an unbiased media; a muted reaction from the Canadain Parapalegic Association to the Tories' 'Stand up for Canada' slogan - the least they could have done is take this discrimination to the Supreme Court - have all conspired against us

And what are we doing - asking you to vote in the depths of winter? Many of you in rural areas having to drive kilometres as gas prices hover around the $1 per litre and then making you queue whilst numbskulls, who think that being volunteers gives them the right to be inefficient, can't find your name on the register
Some of you have to take some of your precious vacation to vote - How does that help your family?
Others get given time off work to vote - How does that help the economy?

One undistinguished blagger calls us fascists(CP), crooks(LIB), commies(NDP) and traitors(BQ)- he forgot the Lonnies (Green) - and there is no uproar about lack of respect for politicians

And what of the leaders?
Painted as a typical hockey dad, Harper's only (sur)real world experience was as leader of the shady organization the National Citizens coalition a name purloined from a Zambian political party, of all places
Layton and his faithful companion have lived off Toronto's taxpayers for more than a decade
As for Duceppe,the closest he has got to getting is hands dirty was wearing a shower cap in a cheese factory

Et moi? Well I have had a great career generationg massive profits but admit that precious little of them found their way to Revenue Canada

So we're a bunch of shysters - but surely the principle is still valid?
Nah. Don't believe all that baloney about your forefathers fighting for democracy That would be your forefathers that believed in slavery and would have strung up from the nearest tree anyone who remotely ssuggested same-sex marriage

And as for that canard that if you vote you cannot complain
You have one measly vote, for Chrissake. Not one riding in Canadian federal election history has been decided by one vote - and its not going to start happening now, I'm tellin' you. Voting is just the crack for the masses. It keeps you thinking you have some control of a country in fact run by a small elite

So I have a simple plea - Don't Vote.

Sit back and have a laugh this evening as CBC et al try and explain why riding after ridng has zero votes. By abstaining you will help make Canada become world news for the first time since seal culling was the story of the day

Scott, off the record, you are sure about the Elections Act, right. If no-one votes the incumbent keeps his/her job and we're back for four more years

Luckily we signed up this gas guzzler for air miles - now you know why sheila comes with me. I could do with some as the Witchfinder-General got a bit snippy when I applied for them after the South East Asia tsunami trip
I've hadn't realised there were so many parts of the country I never want to see again.

I got told Harper had never travelled outside of North America. What a Little.. er.. Albertaner. Obviously a man of no culture (in contrast,I saw Mamma Mia in London's West End !) or wealth, either of which should automatically disbar him from leadership of the country

The Tories later put out a press release that he had actually been to Europe, several times on my trips. Looking back, I suppose he must have been that guy who sat in the corner sticking pins into Martin Luther King bobbleheads. Bit difficult to tell with one of those white pointy hoods over his head, though

First the bad news

From my local optometrist

" Recent pronouncements have concerned us about your vision have been compounded by your recent advertisement in which you appeared to have difficulty locating the camera We would advise you that at you age you should have annual checkups
This is not an emergency so I suggest we arrange an appointment at a time when you have nothing more pressing to attend to
How does January 24th sound? "

and NACA (no relation to NASA)

" We have recently seen you on television and your bellicose nature and hand-whirling suggest you are an energetic person for your advanced years I wonder if you would be prepared to act as a volunteer to the National Advisory Council on Aging before what appears to be early-onset Alzheimers (viz. forgoten prior positions on Itaq, same-sex etc.) takes full hold as we will clearly be challenged by the incoming Conservative administration

As you will note from the website we are a moribund association which has not achieved anything of note for the past five years so you would swiftly feel at home amongst us"

BUT

" Following your tip off, we are pleased to say we have found several copies of a hidden agenda on and within the person of the Leader of the Opposition You will no doubt also be delighted to know that we will also be bringing criminal charges against him as the evidence suggests he stole Liberal party headed notepapaer on which to type up the secret policies"

Well I never saw that buzz-saw coming

It would have been more appropriate if we'd met in a hardware store rather than a coffee shop Then maybe I could have covered Hargrove with some of that duct tape used on Ralph Klein Two Questions

• Why did I take anyone calling himself Buzz seriously
• Doesn't he have a real job to go to

British security agents have thwarted an attempt to kidnap Tony Blairs five-year-old son, Leo. Think of the sympathy vote that would have engendered. And I'm sure a million or so for the ransom could easily have been hidden in the $2billion gun registry budget

But oh no. My namby-pamby sons never think of the greater good

The tide is turning. Check out the latest poll

• Liberals 47%
• NDP 25%
• Greens 17%
• Conservatives 2%
• Not Voting 9%

Although I appreciate that the sample population may not fully reflect the national electorate, I am heartened by the result. After all if those most closely aware of our corruption and incompetence still back us we should have no trouble fooling the clueless plebs

BUT..
to be on the safe side I have decided we ought to take a leaf out our opponents' book.
Layton wants to borrow your vote, Harper wants to buy it so why shouldnt we steal it - in the nicest possible way of course

In the 2004 election, turnout was around 64% and is predicted to be even lower this time around. What sort of people are the stay-at-homes?

Change is in the air, being trumpeted by both the Tories and Dippers, so those staying at home consist of the apathetic, crippled, scared of cold weather, oblivious, high on drugs/alcohol or so uneducated they cannot tell Jan 23rd from a hill of beans.

In other words, Our natural constituency! And what's the point of protecting all these minoritiies and doling out our largesse to them if they dont actually reciprocate by voting for us.
Hey it's only an 'x'. You can be illiterate and still determine the country's future

Even with the freefall in the polls the 35% this group represents ought to see us to the 40% mark - enough for an overall majority!

So how is this to be achieved? Well here's something I never thought I would hear myself saying. We could learn something from the Aussies

Compulsory voting

I'll check with my constitutional lawyers to see if there is any chance we could have an emergency recall of parliament to get this on the books before D-day

When this tale started a month ago with me stating how much I enjoyed campaigning, I would not have predicted the current sorry state. If you had told me that, at the CBC, news of the election would usurped by stories of a couple of Canadian soldiers in a German hosptal fortunately, not the case

The aforementioned patients are two of the victims of a kamikaze attack in Afghanistan. A spokesman Maj. Nick Withers stated

Gee thanks for that. Obviously a proponent of two-tier medicine over here and probably part of the coup d'etat apparantly planned by the Conservatives (you did you see that ad, didn't you).

The patients have been put into a medically-induced coma a la Sharon. Obviously the procedure de jour and one which I wouldnt mind volunteering for tout de suite, I'm tellin ya.

Re Afghanistan: I have never had one person raise with me the merit of Canada's involvement. Says more about Canadians' awareness than any support for the operation

That's gonna change in a hurry - the Yanks are pulling out so you know worse is to come - but it is looking like it may not be my problem. Worst news is that I can't even make it a wedge issue. Harper supports the involvement but ex-Upper Canada College Defence Minister, Bill Graham only recently upped our commitment to 2,200 troops.

I guess that's 2118 now

The final week and we roll out our latest line (courtesy of my contemporary, Bob Dylan)

"Please think twice. Dont vote right"

Not sure that's going to get the 20% or whatever we need to ensure a majority, though.

What we really need is a cataclysmic situation so that the country rallies behind its 'One Leader'. I had hoped that Avian Flu would do the trick. But apparantly Canada rates at the bottom end of the susceptability league due to our low density of population and excellent containment facilities set up after the SARS crisis. So I had to scupper our plans to smuggle in a few sweaty Turks and start a panic

The public is more concerned about environmental catastrophe which would fit in with our Kyoto "rhetoric before deeds" platform. Still nothing good (like a tsunami off Vancouver) is likely to happen in the next seven days

I can, however, take some comfort in the fact that I have set a more positive legacy than my predecessor whose reckless 'so a few million went missing' attitude has landed me in the current mess.
According to esteemed environmental scientist, James Lovelock, we can all stop worrying about greenhouse gases etc. because we are already cooked meat

Apparantly

Nothing too explosive there, but sets a factually correct basis for

So now all my sucking up to the abos will pay off. Not in the short-term: the reaction of their full support for me in the forthcoming vote has the effect of turning off the other 95% of the population on the basis of 'Whenever did they make the right choice'

No, I'm looking 100 years hence when the Liberals will have a cast-iron majority. All 308 seats will be ours and the entire population will be Grit MP's

Of course, there are the dozen people who appreciate Ken Finkleman - fortuitously for him most of whom work for the CBC

So the delicious irony relating to the two planks that I am promoting as the major reasons for voting Liberal rather than Tory is probably wasted on my countryfolk.
viz.

a)Harper's decision not to honour the Kyoto protocol in word - when we have patently failed to do it in deed. I even managed to keep a straight face saying

lets hope I have the last laugh

It is a commonly-held fallacy that headlines are written by a copy editor. The assumption is that with an English degree and years of journalistic experience, he/she carefully scrutinizes the text and then encapsulates the meaning with an arresting phrase

Well that's not the way it works here. We apply the country-song approach. Come up with a title and adjust the facts as necessary

But on this occasion we not only come up with the headline and fashion the story but also made the events happen

We were saving 'Beyond Hope' line for a last, desperate plea for a sympathy vote but fortunately a small problem in Abbotsford, east of Hope, BC (geddit) enabled us to bring it up a day or two earlier than planned.

One of the secrets of politics is to learn from others - but not to give them any credit. I was able to apply this maxim twice yesterday.

A couple of months ago, the NDP put forward a motion to set up a fund for families whose breadwinneers died in the line of duty. Around 50 of the Liberal caucus, including leading Cabinet members (thankfully myself excepted) voted against the suggestion. I have now embraced the notion with the creation of a Heroes Fund backdating it to include those Mounties who died in the dereliction of their duty. Hopefully, negative reaction from families whose heroes died prior to Jan 1st 2005 can be kept under wraps until after the election

On Thursday, Harper got a lot of credit for ditching a Conservative candidate who had been charged with smuggling by the RCMP. On Friday I went one better by throwing out our Abbotsford candidate who had only been accused by his NDP rival of attempted bribery

What you may well ask has happened to our

approach used in the income trust brouhaha. Especially when there is no evidence to back up the Dippers allegations and the idea of a candidate conceding an election and suggesting that his supportes switch their allegiance to an opponent in a seat the Tories are going to win anyways, completely beggars belief

Well, appearances are everything and the Dipper looks like an honest farmboy. Our ex-guy looks like a cross between Tony Valeri and the Boston Strangler, with a trailer-trash wife to boot. So I went into

Of course if it had been a winnable seat.. but hey he was 'Beyond Hope'

I know its Friday the 13th but I feel this is my lucky day. The day when the tide turns fundamentally in my favour. I know the latest EKOS poll has one or two unfortunate implications viz.

• Tories just shy of majority
• Duceppe in Stornaway
• A further small swing from us to the NDP has us in fourth place in terms of seats

Jeez dopehead. The inference of 'At this point' is 'Until we get round to changing it'

BUT

Jack Layton, used a private health facility for a hernia operation. I'll have that Medicare wrap back now, thank you very much

AND

It was discovered that a Tory candidate has been charged with smuggling. This episode showed up several features that I will be hammering home

• Harper disowned him pretty smartly. What about innocent until proved guilty? Sounds like a police-state to me
• The injured party protests that he had informed the party about the charges over him. They deny it. Someone's lying. Whoever it is, they are a Tory
• How did he slip through the net? It doesn't say much for Tory administration. Just wait until they have to handle a huge administration
• Did you get his name. Derek Zeisman. More pandering to the ethnic vote. A 33 year-old nobody just illustrates that anyone with any political nous will have joined the Liberal party over the past decade. Only the dregs of society would have wasted their time signing up for a party apparantly doomed to perpetual opposition

There has been a lot of speculation recently regarding who the mole leaking our policies to the media ahead of time might be

I think the most likely culprit is Ms BS

Of course, she does not have direct access to the information but with the excitement of the battle the war room is full of testerone-filled men locked away from their loved ones for the six week duration ...
And she has a track record of playing the field. The mole with the a hole you could say. Or the 21st Century Deep Throat

One explanation for her actions is that she is really a double agent. Think about it. Why would she leave a party she helped create, her lover, and third place in the pecking order. Just to become Minister of Democratic Renewal in a government where such a notion is on the backest burner ever produced

Additionally, in hindsight, we would have done much better to have had the election back in the summer and if she hadn't crossed the floor and apparantly bailed us out that would have been the outcome. I would almost certainly be relaxing with a majority -or more robust minority - rather than deperately pulling rabbits out of the hat like that ludicrous notwithstanding notion

So it all makes sense

On the other hand, there could be a more prosaic explanation for her molish behaviour. She is desperate for us to lose big time so that she can get out of Parliament

For someone previously on $9million per annum, her $200,000 salary as a Minister must be a hardship and the thought of reverting to a backbencher's stipend and status would be the last straw natch (heh-heh. geddit) Normally a turncoat with a 700 vote margin would be swept out ignominiously but as she often complains

"It's not fair. Everyone loves me"

This evening, sir, you did it! You did it! You did it! You said that you would do it And indeed you did. This evening, sir, you did it! You did it! You did it! We know that we have said it, But-you did it and the credit For it all belongs to you!

Notwithstanding the fact that our 'notwithstanding' faux pas has gone right over the head of the average punter - would someon please tell Irwin Cotler we're not flogging that particular horse anymore - we decided to go ahead with our attack ads. And from the furor they achieved they appear to have hit the mark

Due to a shortage of money, we aren't actually going to show them on TV but have just placed them on our website so that anyone can see them gratis. All the right-wing bloggers fell into our trap by linking to them thus generating more buzz. In addition, the networks all ranc some adding to the publicity

The masterstroke was pulling one - discreetly ensuring that it got into internet circulation first. That managed to push everything else out of the headlines (including the French debate at which Duceppe clearly has the advantage).

The actual text of this 'Guns in the Cities' ad is

The clincher? "We did not make this up". It's true It was our agency that came up with that one

But what with the RCMP investigating us during an election we can now insinuate that the neo-cons are planning to bring in a police-state

There seems to be universal agreement on who came out best in the debate

Not Jack Layton
Not Gilles Duceppe
Not Stephen Harper
But none other than...
Steve Paikin, the moderator

I collared him afterwards and offered him the post of Minister of Communications - not sure if we have one of those but if so they can be safely ditched. Hopefully, at the cabinet table, he will resist his annoying habit of interrupting me just prior to my getting round to the point

The highlight of the debate was my statement about doing away with the notwithstanding clause. This not only showed my bold nature but also confirmed my continued commitment to 'The Charter' by dismantling one of its fundamental clauses

The proposal caught my fellow competitors and the scribes off guard. There was a predictable negative response from the latter as it meant they all had to go and do research on a subject other than scandals Paul Wells's comment exemplified the reaction

Hey this is every man for himself here. And we came up with the idea when I was only three points down.

Of course in this particular case his bile is due to the bitterness he feels as he has had to face up to his marginalization: replaced by arch-rival, Andrew Coyne, on the CBC pundits panel; gradually eased out at Maclean's by a motley bunch of bloggers; and quitting the CommentsPlease site because someone was rude to him

Ah diddums

Anyway if this notwithstanding idea gets through, my legacy will be confirmed as I will put even more power of Canadians lives in the hands of unelected judges - two of them already my selections. Another one is due to retire in February as well. Perhaps I should make an advance appointment. You know, just in case the unimaginable happens..

Anyone know if Harriet Miers has dual citizenship

Something strange stalks the political atmosphere

Sharon is in critical condition with all Israelis praying for recovery
VP, Dick Cheney, has been admitted to with the whole world praying for his demise

Then, taking a break from preparing for the electiondebates, I watched the west wing where\the plot was about the VP preparing for his election debates. The actor playing him subsequently dies in real life(?) a month or so ago

Definitely a portent - but of what?

I'ts a damn shame the Israeli election is not due until 28 March. Otherwise, I could ascertain how a leader struck down would fare. However, polls indicate that his party will benefit

I'm being reassured that letting Harper lead in the polls and getting the main stream media whip up a frenzy over a potentisl conservative was our strategy; but I'm not so confident it will work

I may have to fake a stroke or heart attack so that a rush of sympathy propels me to a majority

There are a couple of downsides, however.
My constant standard-bearing for a public health service would be undermined. Theres no way I'm going to mix with the great unwashed and probably undisinfected especially in a system ranked lower than Morocco's and causing 10,000 deaths per annum via medical error
Secondly, my role as a spokesperson for the South Beach diet would be at an end According to their contract, they're not too keen on frail peopl promoting their product And thats a nice little earner I would not want to give up

Still I have a few more options which I may have to give serious thought to if the debates go poorly

'Brain dead'
'Unfit to govern'

I saw the headlines and that was enough. Clearly I'm viewed as the 'dead man walking' of Candian politics ( The PM is unaware that these headlines refer to Ariel Sharon<. Ed. )

As planned, I made my suggestion to Ms Stronach but she was unwilling to play ball either literally or figuratively I'm wondering if she's been reading Paul Wells

Well cute and dashing is a better description of her than any potential rivals e.g.

• Ex-pat and former Upper Canada College pupil, Michael Ignatieff
• Dull-as-Ditchwater and anti-Royalist, John Manley
• New Brunswickian - that's enough to scupper his chances - Frank McKenna

Check in tomorrow

Unfortunately, that wouldn't be the Liberal campaign; as evidenced by the latest polling results

Looking on the bright side, they are really good for our 'Scary-Harper' strategy. The midsguided public might have been comfortable with a minority Conservative government (until it imploded) but now they are juat a couple of percentage points away from a majority. The other positive is that Tory strength in Quebec has come at the BQ's expense - just as I planned. Now their dream of a 50%+1 for seperation lies in tatters and I have SAVED THE NATION

Of course it would be remiss of me not to mention the downside. If any more of our scandals reach the public (not that there are any more to discover, of course, ahem) then we might be down to the 25% mark, at least of those bothering to vote. I wouldn't even be leader of the Opposition in those circumstances (Thank God)

Unless I land a knockout blow in next weeks debates, I'm thinking Belinda Stage II will need to be wheeled out. Her trip across the floor saved us once and I'm hoping lightning can strike twice

I'm with her at the moment so we'll have to mull it over. Should it be hints of an illicit affair We could become the Canadian version of Bill & Hillary ; Bel & 'Hell It's me!'. That would definitely go down well in Quebec where signs of life in the old dog will whet their passionate feelings.

On the other hand, it would cause a certain frostiness on the home front. Belinda was pretty harsh in her condemnations of Harper yesterday. Perhaps we could hint at something more personal. Sexual harassment anybody? Time we got the RCMP on our side for once

Well I may be anti cherry-picking on the Charter, but not where it comes to giving Canadians what they want be it faster access to passports, replacing the Sea Kings or agriculture (did I really say that?)

They then trumpet the fact that they will only have five priorities! Pshh! What do they plan to do the rest of the week?

And their assiduous reseacrhers failed to uncover our true number one priority
RETAIN POWER AT ALL COSTS

So that makes 57 varieties. Heinz will be onto me soon to act as their spokesman

A loyal friend who had outlived his usefulness

At the halfway stage it is time to take stock of the campaign to date

On the one hand, you have all published your platforms to almost total disregard (although Stephen your proposale's will put us in defecit faster than 'Condo Lisa dropped her drawers in the 70's). On the other, we have had nothing of value to say (although the focus group results on what we should be doing are due in the next week)

On the one hand, you have all run campaigns noted for their restraint and high mindedness and professionalisnm. On the other, what with 'beer and popcorn', 'olivia chow-chow' and incometrustgate we have completely screwed up.

And yet the polls stay resolutely unchanged.
Bottom-line. You can't win

However, I do accept that even our supine electorate are incapable of returning a Liberal majority government. Therefore, before we start getting really nasty -and what do you think 'Scott the Rot' (Scott Reid, affectionally known as the rotweiller Ed.) has been working on to get back in my good books - and taint our democracy to an even greater extent, let me make a proposal which will both save us all from more rounds of glad-handing people we have no respect for and the public voting on the bleakest day of the year

The most recent UBC election stock market has the following standings
Other 1
Dippers 23
Separtists 58
Rednecks 106
Good Guys 120

I propose that we just accept that result (we can all make a killing by betting on these figures)
You will all increrase your caucuses, thus keeping your jobs and commensurate salary/celebrity without having the unenviable task of actually running the country You will also be able to select which 23/58/106 or whatever candidates you wish to sit on the benches, thus getting rid of any troublemakers who would have surfaced had we followed the tradition of actually holding the vote

Sounds good to me
so please RSVP ASAP

Yours most sincerely,
PM the er..um.. PM

I always thought his nickname was because he was a bit of a lap-dog, but it seems as though he's a bit rough round the edges where integrity is concerned. I guess you can take the guy out of Saskatchewan but you can't take the Saskatchewanee (?) out of the guy

He is pretty dogged though. Having vastly outstripped his abilities, he clearly wants to hang on to his job. In fact, if we lose the election I wouldn't be surprised if the RCMP have to eject him physically from the ministry building . Going by his name his next best prospects are as a barman so I can see his point .

Convention stipulates that he should resign pending the completion of any inquiry but he came out with some convoluted and meaningless explanation on why he should stay before my guys could get him to fall on his sword

The major problem is that he was the clean-cut face of the cabinet amongst a bunch of traitors (Brison, Stronach), incompetents (Scott etc.), pocket padders (Pettigrew et al) and sepratists (Lapierre)
Apart from my COMPLETE EXONERATION, 'Ruff' came out best in the Gomery report for his action on the sponsorship file initiall freezing it and then having it administered by public servants under new guidelines. Something that Pelletier and my predecessor should have done six years earlier

The only bright spot is that if we do regain power after all this it will completely shatter the Conservatives faith in the populace and they may just disband in disgust

A bit trickier for me, as most fanatics, if they have even heard of Canada, assume we are the 51st state. So the secret is to create an enemy within

Serendipitously, two events fell into my lap over the past couple of days. The shooting in Toronto and some anti-Semitic graffiti found on an Edmonton synagogue. As luck would have it, I was at a Hanukkah celebration yesterday and was able to get in the phrase 'un-Canadian activities'. Due to the aforementioned rally-round-the-flag mentality, I had no need to be partisan - unlike Harper whose bleating for more hand-gun enforcement just sounded like an attack on the police

In fact, the alarm is completely overstated. One death on the 1896km of Yonge street this year hardly warrants this reaction. Everyone knows it is just down to black gangs that are doing their best to erase the problem. Best option would be to stand back and let them eliminate each other There is bound to be the odd bit of collateral damage

However, Mayor Miller's stay-away attitude ( He remained vacationing in Spain Ed.) does provide an opening it would be remiss of me to ignore. I will take the opportunity to talk up his NDP background and by association smear his former colleague on Toronto council, Jack Layton

However, there are apparantly lesser lights in our party who have joined my bandwaggon, using blogs to show the world the 'inner man'

Anyway, this particular person, Mark Klander,(apparantly one of my henchmen but I cannot recall him) has been hung drawn and quartered for including in his listing of 'Top 10 things that will make me sick during the election campaign'
No 10: Olivia Chow
That's it (well more or less)

Well, Jack Layton's partner has also figured in these pages. Thank God this blog wont see the light of day until I'm sitting at the right hand of you-know-who because I have no idea how to disable the search engine on this site

For more coverage check out Comments please and small dead animals

We've managed to distance ourselves from this 'volunteer' and plan to put it out that he might have been a plant by the Conservatives. After all, with a name like Klander he obviously has some connection to the KKK, the forerunner of Reform. We still have some cash over from Adscam which will help him back up up the story.

Logic also comes to our rescue

• Liberals never say uncomplimentary things about gays, ethnics etc.
• Klander did
• Klander cannot be a Liberal
• Therefore he must be a Tory

Still it remains a bit of an embarassment. Shame he wasn't hiding out amongst the crowds at Dundas and Yonge yesterday. (scene of a deadly gun battle. Ed.) One weel-aimed bullet could have swiftly killed this story

They managed to ignore Gilles Duceppe as well as whoever leads the Green party; and referred to Kack Layton, so you can imagine it went down pretty well with the turkey dinner.
'Kack' tried too hard to impress e.g Next read "Stephen Lewis's Massey lectures." and Harper ignored several questions whilst I struck the happy medium which so endears me to millions of Canadians

If you read the article you will notice I focussed on my grandchildren, or lack thereof. With a combined age of well over a hundred you'ld have thought one of my sons would have fired a live bullet. I've no idea what the problem is. After all, I left each of them the latest copy of 'All about the Birds and Bees' on their bedside tables on their sixteenth birthdays

However, as an encouragement I presented them each with a book at the family get-together

• Being married doesn't mean you're gay
• Viagra for dummies
• Belinda in pictures - the Playboy edition

If that doesn't do the trick I may have to adopt, although as my predecessor has found out that has pitfalls too

No, it was to see what advantage we could gain from Asia's loss. We can hardly offer beautiful beaches under a warm sun, or a distinctive cuisine - but there is sex-tourism. About the only tim you hear of Canadians abroad is when one has been caught with an under-age girl in South asia

With many of Thai and Sri Lankan children lost in the flood it will take them a long time to get back on their feet (or backs in this caase)

And now the Liberal leaning Supreme Court (with my appointments siding with the majority) has boosted home prospects with their decision allowing swingers clubs to flourish. Couple that with our age of consent for heterosexual sex which at 14 is the lowest in the Western world it places us in a great position(ahem) to reap the benefits

The rightwing have got their knickers in a twist over this one. On the one hand they dont want government intrusion; on the other, it is just another sign of moral decay under Liberals. More internal strife there. Goody-goody

The only fly in the ointment is the iniquity of the law as our mano-on-mano AOC is 18. Last thing I want is a bunch of poofs spouting their Charter rights just before an election

The problem is my

outburst
The bugger only took me up on it. And then Harper joined the fray

Don't they understand a fucking metaphor?!

I brushed it off quoting a busy schedule. I'm not hanging around on street corners Last time that happened it took a lot of time, money and influence to get me out of police HQ

Perhaps I should just stand above the fray?
Would someone build me a rose garden tout-bleedin-suite

Actually it's not all bad news as I have nimble-footed my way to an alternative opportunity
What the psudeo-pundits have failed to pick up on is the dual significance of my

speech. It was not just to show my federalist credentials. It was a resume

If, as seeems likely, the Bloc gain more than 50% of the vote, then the push for seperatism will grow. Now lets suppose they win the referendum. Do they really want a callow, thirty-something, Andre Boscalir representing them in foreign parts? As an overt homosexual he'd probably be thrown in jail in the first Middle East or African country he visited. Not a good start

No, as their first PM (or President) they'll be looking for someone with experience, a Quebecer who in negotiations with Canada knows where all the money is hidden. Someone who is great buddies with a founder of the Bloc, for instance Jean Lapierre.
And guess who will happen to be unexpectedly available. Moi.

Probably the first person ever to have been Prime Minister of two countries
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, JC

After all, we can't be hypocritical about them wanting to exploit stretches of wasteland no one in their right minds would want to visit and where the most intelligent being within 500km are polar bears

Substitute black for polar and it sounds like Alberta to me

Our official position is that drilling in Alaska would upset Porcupine Caribou herds (yep I'm not kidding) but you can bet your bottom dollar if any decent amounts of the black stuff are found there we'll be opening up the Yukon to my buddies in the oil industry before I can say g**s and l******s

...talking of which

I see the NDP have nominated what passes for them as a star name, former governor general Ed Schreyer.

That brings with them some major problems which we can exploit. They just 'ousted' no-name Bev Desjarlais for her unofficial views on the same-sex issue but Schreyer has equivalent views and was fool enough to speak his mind 20 years ago calling homosexuality "an affliction" He got very testy when pressed on his position yesterday

Although I agree with him wholeheartedly, you won't catch me on that one

I just hide behind the Curtain of Rights!

To them, The main item on the agenda turned out to be seperation. The fact is, without Quebec, the country shifts westward and more right-wing Harper would be more than happy to see 'la belle province' and its budget-draining, special-status, 20+ Liberal seats disappearing off the horizon. He could ditch his weekly French homework as well

He seems perplexed that we should trumpet an issue that our raiding of the public purse caused in the first place but his heart's not in it Indeed everybody noted my emotion compared with his intellectual approach when defending canada
Sheila wryly observed that if I showed half the passion for her cunt as I do for my country she would be one happy woman

It's always about sex with women and I think that's why they empathise with me and my exhortations of love for Canada. I'm so clearly faking it (as soon as I retire I'm off to the Bahamas) and yet managing to fool the predominantly male media establishment

Just as Clinton was portrayed as the first 'black' president, I could be regarded as the first elected 'female' PM
Give me an excuse if Sheila ever caught me going through her undies drawer again, too

Pretty well everyone has made up their mind in Quebec already but 'Faux Pas' Harper helped me out with any other undecidecd voters

Firstly, he failed to understand a couple of the questions. Canadians deserve somebody who can speak both languages well. Just imagine what that would be like come a referendum, something I should clearly promote as a real and living danger

Secondly, I got him to remove the threat of using the notwithstanding clause on same-sex marriage. That will hurt him. Those wavering between us and the Tories never believe politicians anyways so it won't help him with that constituency. On the other hand, those poor, deluded soul on the right still have some misplaced trust and will think he means it.

Cue the next Preston Manning and the New Reform party. Hopefully, something will stir in the next month but longer term it is definitely looking rosy. If Harper fails to make PM, you can bet the knives will be out and the Conservatives will be starring in 'Return to Splitsville'

He may not have the cuddly appeal of an Elmo or Cabbage patch doll, but US ambassador Wilkins speaking in HMV (his master's voice) sure sounded good to me

Warning us off yank-bashing in his tortured-southern voice is guaranteed to secure a few more seats to resist the enemy in the south. He said they made an easy target and he was right there. Take Softwood and Condo's suggestion that we get round a table and sort it out. You negotiate before the trial decision not when you've been found guilty countless times.
Don't they watch cop shows south of the border

And starting off his speech with a lame "Beer and Popcorn" joke may have got him a polite titter but what might be funny if a Canadian says it is a definite no-no when it is foreigners mocking us

It was such a slam-dunk, that the press thought I had set him up to it. Luckily Bush's lackeys are so clueless I didn't need to. However, I might plant the idea that next time he should try speaking in French. Now that would be an address for the ages

As most of you know my communications director, Scott Reid, suggested that parents, on receipt of their child-care cheque from the Conseravtives, would blow it all on beer and popcorn
There was nothing wrong with the thought. It is almost certainly true, but that's the problem. People feel guilty and take it out on the messenger

What he should have done is continued with something along the lines of 'Of course they'll need something to drown their sorrows if they elect a Conservative government'

But his biggest mistake was saying it was $25 per diem, not a weekly sum. People will think Harper was being much more generous than he actually was.

That's been our tactic on child care. We had trumped his proposal with a $5 billion 'increase' solely by extending the current commitment another five years, which given a bit of inflation is actually a reduction in aid
Nice one eh? And it's extendible indefinitely

Not to mix metaphors but whilst I was at a wine-tasting session I heard on the grapevine that Scott's in line to replace Jim Travers at the Toronto Star after the election and he is obviously not keeping his eye on the ball

Still I think I got us out of it Have you noticed my technique of asking myself questions and then immediately answering?
viz.
Q. Do Canadians want a national system of childcare?
A. Yes
Right again. Beat that Mr 'Teacher's Pet' Harper

I got so carried away that I almost asked myself the obvious follow-up out loud
Q Is there any chance of it happening when the amount of money promised for the whole country is less than Quebec spends currently, we need to agree the plans with all the provinces and Mr 'One too many pucks in the head' Dryden is in charge
A. er.um...

Stephen Harper's comment

Let's hope he's right!

• Our friends and family make a nice little nest egg for doing F-all
• A percentage makes its way to the Liberal party coffers
• Years later, when all of the interested parties have moved on, an inquiry suggests there has been some wrong-doing
• I'm completely exonerated
• We win a majority at the following election

It was the CTV that broke the story which means that the vastly more influential CBC, again beaten to the punch, were honour-bound to pooh-pooh the scandal encapsulating their piece with an "only rumours', 'nothing proven' slant
They also said that lots of people made money without mentioning the corollary that those not-in the know got scammed

I got my quote up out front

which is code for

In the name of balance the National gave as much weight to a Conservative MP, Brian Pallister, who with some slip of the tongue put 'fickle' and 'women' in the same sentence. His, providentially female, Liberal opponent had the chance for a long riposte whilst all he was allowed in reply was a 'taken out of context' report which, as everyone now knows, means 'Shit. I've been banged to rights'

Hey, Scott are we 15 points clear in the polls yet? :)

Me. I have a replica of Jerusalem's wailing wall in the basement to help practice for my future tilt at the world griever-of-the -ear contest

I am hoping to put my skill to the test shortly before election date. My stats guru tells me that with the escalation in gun violence in Toronto, there is a 90% chance of a killing (19 times out of 20) in the week leading up to 23rd January.

I have left a spot in my schedule to rush over to TO meet the parents, give an elegy during which i will subtly slip in our proposal to ban all hand guns if re-elected

Within any luck that will create a groundswell of opinion sufficient to sweep us to victory before it has percolated into the brains of the masses that this continuing rise in violence has occurred after we've spent $2bn on the current and clearly useless legislation

• Admitted our record was bad in the 90's - before I was in any way responsible
• Bashed the Yanks for their voodoo science and unwillingness to face the problem
• Boasted about our green infrastructure - whatever that is

And I'm guessing that, with the forthcoming election coming on possibly the harshest day of the year coupled with rocketing, most Canadians would not mind a bit more global warming thank you very much

The Tories standard bearer is Monte Solberg's - current MP for Medicine Hat - who , coincidentally, started his up at more or less the same time as me - although predictably a few days later.

That is the only comparison however. Whilst mine deasl with the affairs of state and the world leaders I share a stage with, his deals with the state of his apartment and the fellow MP with whom he 'shares digs'. Whatever that means

Apart from having nothing of value to talk about, he also suffers from the delusion that he is amusing in a mildly sarcastic vein. His take on Harper's universally-panned plan to reduce GST is typically weak. Someone should tell him that providing characters with silly names went out with Charles "do as you would be done by" Kingsley and Richard "Lady Sneerwell" Sheridan
Solberg's versions? Ima Painbottom and Louden Droning-Arse. My sides are still aching

The rest (or at least the few other entries I could endure) is in the same vein. And to think that this guy would probably get a major cabinet post if by some fluke Harper forms a government and is probably planning a leadership campaign in the real-world alternative

Now that's why the Tories are scary

Well you can make that 901 as now it includes the idiot who scheduled a stop there on my nationwide election tour just after I had been boasting about low unemployment

Luckily our servile scribe at the Star, came out with a complimentary piece stressing how I "listened sympathetically", "tried to offer hope" and got in my quote that "The fact is that the country is reaching out to you". Like 99% of the country had even heard of this dingy town before

There is talk of making it a tourist destination but the name Cornwall - conjuring up thoughts of the English county famed for sand, surfing and King Arthur - is basically all the city has to offer. I told the students I was visiting that re-opening a canal was a great opportunity but with the world-reknowned Rideau less than two hours away I'm not sure they fell for that one

One constituency we can kiss goodbye to winning back

Hopefully the Quebeckers fall for all this celebrity stuff. God knows how being cooped up in a metal box miles above the earth's surface entitles you to a political career is beyond me but I'd rather he was one of us than one of them

Poor old Michael Ignatieff got roughed up at his show and I'm not sure he's going to get in Still it's a win-win for me. If he's elected it means we will form the government again and I can put him in the Foreign Office. He is on the same intellectual plane as Condo' Lisa , something poor old PP can only aspire to. When he says he cannot understand what she is saying it is because the concepts are difficult to grasp, when she brings forward the same comment it his accent that is at fault.

And if MG loses? Well we will probably be in opposition and that will be one tarnished rival who won't be able to launch a leadership campaign

Actually, if the first day is anything to go by this election will be a pushover. Harper is finding it as hard to say "I love Canada" as I do saying the word G** or L****** in public. Of course once he does relent we come back with
Well then why do you f***ing want to change it then

He also lacks the crucial ability for a politician that of lying brazenly. When asked about same-sex, rather than suggest that is a battle over - and appeasing moderate Ontarians (where else is his fubndamentalist support going?) - he suggests the issue might be revisited if he gets a majority
What a prat!

The only downside is that whenever same-sex is an issue I always get a knee-jerk reaction from her indoors with the old "never mind same-sex what about some sex". Well I have 55 days of excuses not to visit that particular marital obligation thank God

And who can blame me

I'm hoping for the non-aligned sympathy vote

And being in bed with the wrong people will likely decide the outcome of this election, and how big a majority I will get.
Harper already has the misfortune of having that cuckoo Klein as the best known face of current conservatism. The ghost of Mulroney hovers and he was good enough to exacerbate things further by suing Peter C Newman and allowing my buddies at the CBC to replay the film of his foulmouthed tirade against one-and-all. Finally, fellow neo-con Mike Harris has been outed by his erstwhile Attorney general for saying "get the fucking Indians out of the park" a few hours before one of said Injuns was downed by a cowboy cop.

Somewhat ironinc that the natives have been saying this for ages but it is only when an old white male confirms their tale that it takes credence. Talk about inbred racism

Anyways off to see the fragrant GG to set the date. First Thursday after Harris's forthcoming appearance at the Ipperwash inquiry should set the seal on my victory

Bono must be in therapy and coming to the realization that his threat to be a pain in the ass has backfired

Well perhaps he'll get this message. I know you want a greater spread of wealth so that your CD sales go up
But Aboriginals are our Africans and giving to one means zilch for the other

Bottom line: If you ain't got a vote - You won't get a groat (a former English silver coin worth four pennies. Ed)

He will undertake a personal venture in the form of a 'focused, policy-based public inquiry' whatever the hell that means

The families were nitpicky about its terms so I'm sure they will pan the results thus scuppering any thoughts Rae has of launching a run for my position on the back of his report. The chances of that job opening up are becoming remoter by the minute. Thanks Ralph

• There's an election coming up and I need to cement the Negro vote
• I upstaged the odd couple's ( Bill Graham and Scott Brison. Ed) press conference on new defence purchases
• Judy Sgro got some attention for once. Hopefully that will stop her hopeless agitation for a recall to cabinet
• I was able to press the community to do more to foster my ambitions to make Montreal the jazz capital of the world

One of the leaders was a charming young woman called Saron Ghebressellassie. I made a strong suggestion that if she has any kids she either gives them a short first name - something like Tom for instance - or at least encourage the father to stick around long enough to get his name on the birth certificate. I have a feeling if the combined name comes to more than 25 letters it wont fit on identity cards and we could have a costly retooling of their dimensions or a Charter action facing us

Maybe if I was headed for a large majority but in minorityland anything goes (off the record of course)

One tactic is to smear an Oppo by association And who should fall into our laps but none other than Canada's most reviled man - after Brian Mulroney of course - Conrad Black

Hopefully we can pump up how dastardly he is by getting pictures of him in cuffs in a Chicago courthouse facing charges of using Hollinger investments as his own private (and v large) piggy bank

If he resists extradition, Joe Volpe will be attempting to throw him out as an illegal immigrant. After all, whilst millions of the less fortunate are clamouring to get in why should we put up with someone living here who gave up his citizenship just so he could become a Tony Blair peer?

And here is the link literally. Conrad Black helps choose the guests for the annual Bilderberg meetings which were initiated in 1954 by the Nazi-sympathizing Prince Bernhard of the Netherlands. And in 2003 none other than our esteemed leader of the opposition was invited

Shame we haven't got any photos of them together. Security was tighter than the the Virgin Mary's pussy Still a bit of photoshopping should do the trick. By the time the truth has been found out the damage is done

Still the snaps of the APEC conference have come back Here I am front and center in a rather fetching pastel blue housecoat

Unfortunately this is the CIA processed version. Dubya has inexplicably grown at least 6 inches so as not to be dwarfed by Vincente Fox

And here is one where some of the attendees are caught surprised at my gall in mentioning that treaties should be honoured

I struck the first and probably decisive blow with

The Conservatives will fall into my trap by no doubt labelling our recent election pamphlet federal fiscal update as budget-lite

We can then riposte by labelling the conservatives as Reform-lite etc.

I just hope Belinda doesnt get spotted leaning over to pat a dog whilst wearing one of her low cut tops and showing us her puppies. Strip-lite

For example, my recent tribute to ex-Toronto Star publisher, Beland Honderich, cannot be entirely disconnected from the paper's response to the news about the unholy alliance between the Tories, NDP and BQ.

Where any objective headlines would be something along the lines of

• Martin cornered by Opposition cunning or
• Liberals forced off track in election time-table

• Billions in tax cuts likely in Goodale's mini-budget
• Voters not preoccupied by scandals
• Joint opposition strength reflects Tory weakness

Another case in point. My stats guys tell me that the rate at which WWII veterans are dropping off means that their voting strength is now outpaced by citizens of Italian ancestry. Hence our 'apology' to the Dagos
Joe Volpe - who provided details of the package - never struck me as someone with a sense of humour but I loved his comment at the announcement

Had me in stitches

Somehow our fallback position re scandal, drinking water, softwood lumber etc.. of " We got you into this mess, we should get you out of it" may not get us such a ringing endorsement at the polling booths

Some days it just pays to lie back and let others speak

Jean Lapierre gets to stick it to his old foes.

Scott Brison is allowed to repeat his "It was Paul Martin who called the enquiry.. It was Paul Martin who said he wanted to get to the bottom.." lines. Apparantly his planned marriage is in limbo as his partner is sick of hearing my name mentioned at the height of their physical encounters

Harper laid into Layton which means that he wont get the support for a confidence vote whilst at the same time planting the seed that the NDP willl do anything for a sniff of power. There's only one party that can benefit from drifting NDP votes
Thank you very much, Stephen.

Even my predecessor unwittingly helped me. He may amuse the hacks who otherwise just spend lonely hours with each other but I'm sure his oafish schtick - and yes he did mention golf balls yet again (yawn) - looks extremely tired outside the beltway

And his call for a jusdicial review just makes him look like a bad loser. The justice system will almost certainly back one of their own and in the unlikely event that polls turn for the worst I can always use it as an excuse for delaying the election. Indeed if he wins I suppose the Gomery report will officialy never exist and thus the election call I promised need not be acted on

And there I am. A saint amongst sinners. Rome take note

With Iraq turning into a 21st century Vietnam, the Americans have been accused of disregarding History but it now seems as though their Geography also has a failing grade. Of course if they blinked they might have missed Canada's embarrassing flirtation with a female PM.

Of course unlike our gallivanting Come Kimbell, the foes down South are unlikely to spend most of the campaign banging their partners. Condo has given up the game since she went off it and the closest to sex that Hillary gets is when she inadvertently walks in on hubby

Reports suggest that the learned judge is going to heap all the manure where it belongs

I could have done with an earlier tip-off though. I spent much of the summer poring over the transcript of my TV performance where I promised an election within 30 days of the report being released.
The best I could come up with was that I never specifically mentioned 'Earth days'. Why not Mercury's for instance? That would keep me in power for a further 15 years

Bit of the old grasping at straws though and I'mrelieved that it now looks like plain sailing towards Majority Island

We announced the Surplus Allocation Act, the one with the promise of returning a nominal sum to our over-taxed citizens - don't quote me on that -, probably within 30 days of Gomery's final report. I also performed another sure vote-winner with a bit of yank-bashing yesterday when I went into their own backyard, NYC, and delivered a blunt speech on their reneging on NAFTA decisions regarding softwood. Pretty impressive, eh (!?)

Mind you I did take some sensible precautions

• It was in front of my kind of guys - successful business leaders - who had all been checked by security to see if they were packing
• I did not venture to Washington to regale the legislators who will actually decide our fate. Those bastards would have plenty of arguments for maintaining the status quo
• It took place at the same time as another war-mongering speech from Dubya so got little publicity down South. The last thing I want to do is upset him

Maybe that will get the oppositon off my back for failing to call the president. As readers will know, this has already been less than productive on one or two previous occasions

If I can just master that impersonation (does anyone know if God has a jewish accent?) we might yet have a statement from the White House that God told him "George, go and get rid of those tariffs".

I was intrigued by his surname - not very Hispanic - and he told me he had chnged it from zorro twenty odd years ago in respect of our very own Terry Fox He also believed it helpes with his election as Back to the future (starring our very own Michaerl J Fox) is by far the biggest grossing film in Mexican history. He's thinking of changing it back though as the Legend of Zorro starring Antonio Banderas is about to hit the screens

He also believed his height (6'6" a foot taller than his average countryman) was an advantage - backward people think it indicates a man of stature in more ways than one. According to him, some Indians take it even further. In their case, the fattest candidate indicating the most succesful. Apparantly they sometimes don't bother having election debates but just cut the guff and bring out a weighing machine

Luckily, in my case, Canadians are more influenced by looks

Apparantly the conservatives in power are planning to exclude from communion politicians who support gay marriage

This is good news on a couple of counts
Firstly, I am obviously regarded as serious opposition which will help get the liberal wing to see me as the leading runner

Secondly. I could well do without all that communion mumbo-jumbo, anyways. The non-alcoholic wine tastes like cats piss and the wafers are contra to my South Beach Diet

In addition, the whole ' transformed into the body of Christ' mantra leaves me (as a confirmed non-cannibal) a trifle on the queasy side

A deluded Herr Schroeder

And the least persuasive rallying call I have ever heard, from Frau Merkel

Pistols at dawn would be my recommendation but I fear they would both miss

Unless I can finagle my way out of it, we have an election here in the next few months and - having just spent the last few days with that walking disaster Pettigrew - I suppose I had better prepare for a similar eventuality

I'm not sure that I wouldn't mind splitting the role with Harper - to be honest its only a part time job anyways and not all it's cracked up to be. I'll take Monday thru wednesday, he can have the next three days. Layton gets Sunday.

Worry not concerned Canadians, no officials are around then so nothing would get implemented on his watch

Of course, Dubya is in a healthier position to be contrite. Once a politician admits to a mistake he never hears the end of it. Thank God, I'm infallible
He also benefits from the fact that the greatAmerican public voted for him not once - which is just acceptable given his opponent - but twice! They can hardly admit to such stupidity so will stick by him regardless

I, on the other hand, do not enjoy such a luxury. Unless I can wheedle my way out of it, there is an election coming up in a few months. I'm really only concerned about Ontario where we have 100ish MP's. If a natural or terrorist disaster struck there we could be toast

As chance would have it, they actually have an 'emergency czar', Julian Fantino Ontario's commissioner of emergency management.

The bad news

• The first action Toronto's new mayor took on election was to deny him a renewed contract as the City's police chief
• cf New Orleans. His obsessive loyalty to the Force means he would be unlikely to send them into action if there was any civil unrest
• His most recent quote. "I don't know how anyone could have anticipated it (Katrina). I wouldn't even call that a disaster. To me, it's a catastrophe.". Duh!

To me, that's the catastrophe

The election of the hardliner Islamic fundamentalist in Iraq's neighbour appears to placed the latest excuse for invading Iraq, "spreading democracy in the region", into its 'last throes'
Rumsfeld certainly thinks so. His most recent committee appearance brought this gem

On a more parochial note, I hope this surprise election result does not encourage the leader of Toronto's biggest city, David Miller, to re-enter federal politics. When I visited Sheila's room the other day I noticed she had a poster of him on the wall. She said it was just to throw darts at but I'm not so sure. With the Tories in disarray, his good looks and Layton's relative success may mean the NDP becomes a serious force in Ontario next time round

Remember barely six weeks ago when Harper stated that he planned to 'put this government out of its misery'?
Never a truer a word spoken. I think I can speak for my cabinet colleagues in saying we are very happy campers today

In less than two months, the leader of the opposition has almost singlehandedly saved our skins and, with several (was it fourteen I stopped counting) confidence motions survived in a matter of minutes, probably catapulted us into the Guiness Book of Records

Since his 'momentous' statement he has

• Had a blazing row with Belinda Stronach so loud that it could be heard in the PMO - leading to her resulting recruitment to the cause
• Stood behind a patently untrustworthy Gurmant Grewal, a man not only craving a cabinet post for himself and patronage for his wife but also under investigation for extracting money for helping would be immigrants into the country
• Adopted the ludicrous position of comdemning our recent policy initiatives as pork-barelling, whilst still promising to honour them if elected

Maybe soon his famed intellect will finally come to terms with the maxim 'The Liberals are the natural party of government'

It wouldn't surprise me if he put feelers out about a position when I make the next cabinet reshuffle

Honest

I'm afraid she has gone soft in the head as I naturally turn my affections away from her and towards the more alluring Belinda

We'll come up with some excuse but it only serves to confirm the obvious. We want an election now

• The Tories are in turmoil with Harper's ineffectiveness showing up more and more
• Gomery is hibernating so no more stories are coming out until his report
• Joe Volpe assures me he can keep the Gruwal saga going
• The long term effects of the Medicare supreme court decision are troubling i.e. we actually have to do something. However, the short term ramifications in terms of allowing us to trumpet ourselves as the party to save Medicare during an election campaign are compelling
• If Duceppe announces that he plans to leave to head the PQ, the Bloc will either have a lame duck leader or a distracting leadership contest. If he stays we can call him a coward
• The polls suggest a majority government is a possibility. Assuming we contrive to get defeated on the budget we have the old double-whammy. Forced to call an election and able to ditch the NDP aspects of the budget when we return to undisputed power

The latest poll suggests we might even end up with a majority in an election, an election that would be fast approaching if she had not defected. Looking back, MacKay's sob story has a ring of deceit to it and everyone is always saying how clever Harper is. Could Machiavellian Martin have been out-foxed?

I'm tempted to call Gomery up, confess I was behind adscam and tell him to wind things up immediately. I'll even give him the conclusion

The Liberals are a thieving bunch of lying scumbags

My guess is that would shave one percent off our share of vote at the very most

This time the quitter ( He withdrew from the leadership race of Liberal Party handsomely won by the PM. Ed and Yankee groupie has been promulgating the view that we cannot sell to the US without falling in line with their security demands
As he says,

Contrast this with my well-received speech yesterday to Toronto financiers where I explained away our pact with the NDP

Belinda who caused a stir at the meeting (and not just within the bankers' nether-regions) put it succintly

Fiscal claptrap of course but she knows that Canadians lap that 'promising the world' stuff up

And it's why her chances of leading the Liberal party when I decide to retiire are about 100 times those of the colourless Manley

Labrador - like the dog, dim but loyal - returned a Liberal which eases pressure in the House. Mostly Metis - like the returned candidate -, the Labradorians still hold Tory PM, Sir John A McDonald, responsible for the death of their Albertan cousin Louis Riel over a century ago.
A sly reference to that in all speeches helped ensure that the majority signed the ballot in the right square

• Winning the party leadership
• Securing most seats at an election
• Defeating a no-confidence motion

Perhaps that is why I got a bit giddy in my post-vote speech

I hope no-one points out it's the NDP vision of Canada
and

Somewhat surprisingly, none of my fellow G8 leaders has called for advice yet. Must be a time-zone thing
In fact, the only call I have had on the subject was from Zimbabwe's President Mugabe. He said that during my tenure as Prime Minister we had already set the standards and that was the only thing that allowed him to sleep at night
That was kind of him. I think

The coup de teatre I presented at Belinda Stronach and my press conference had even the hill-hacks gasping with admiration and laughing at my every 'bon mot'. They even saw the funny side of my appointing as the sort of ethical standard bearer of the Party (part of her responsibilities will be to help implement Gomery recommendations. Ed) someone who was privy to the Conservatives election strategy at the same time as negotiating a cabinet post in exchange for crossing the house

As is common knowledge now, the Tories are doing everything possible to lose the vote Thursday so they can back out of an election.
If they hadn't desperately grabbed at the pairing option they would be the ones praying that their cancer patients died - to avoid further suffering (yeah right)
They will then be forced to have an election headed by a leader who cannot keep his liberal wing on side and a deputy who obviously cannot satisfy a woman physically. The electorate will be really impressed by the thought of that duo representing Canada.
My other masterstroke has been our efforts to make Parliament unworkable so that the last thing the electorate want is a repeat minoroty government of any shade. It would take a large swing to give the Tories sole power and the polls show they can't do it so I predict the voters will move to us in droves - if you can use that word with a 30% turnout!

In the event we win the Budget vote, we are still in power and Harper has been defeated. Belinda was not the only overly-ambitious Tory I have flattered in the past few weeks and with a wounded leader, it won't be long before the Jason Kenney's and Monte Solberg's of this world turn on him and each other leading to another fractured party. Roll on the Gomery report +30 days

As far as Belinda goes, I'm hopeful that she really is into the power couple thing and needs someone to replace the jilted Peter McKay in her affections. Modest as I am, there is only one person that can provide that in the Liberal party.....
Sheila will have to understand that that's just the way the world turns. She can do Tea and Sympathy with fellow 60-something, Judy Sgro

However, in the unlikely event I have misjudged her over-weening ambition I cunningly selected a marginal seat for her to stand in so that the foaming-at-the-mouth Conservatives will throw everything into defeating her.
This has two ramifications. Firstly, they will have less resources to spend elsewhere and secondly, if BS does not come across then I'm afraid its only token support for her
She will have served her purpose

A great burst of applause ensued without a heckler in sight and all gushingly covered by Laurie Graham of the CBC

The child care deal in Newfoundland gave me the opportunity to lay into a couple of Tory MP's for not supporting our budget. Both of them saw their share of the vote drop dramatically last time out and a 3% swing will see them fall

Slipped up a bit on the Darfur front. The Sudanese ambassador says her country will not allow Canadian troops into the region so I might as well have agreed to Kilgour's request for 500 troops - well make it 499 to show who's boss.

Still a promise to the Canadian Cancer society should bring sufferer Chuck Cadman onside and a gratuitous comment about Dubya will confirm Carolyn Parrish's support so all is not lost

When we first moved into 24 Sussex, I gave Sheila what I thought would be an ideal present, Etiquette For Dummies ($1:75 used) For that I got no sex for the month - though, I suppose, the two are not necessarily connected

Anyways, it seems she has been studying diligently and insists on trying out her newly learnt skills on the Queen. A less charitable reason is that she is sick of Aline Chretien telling her how many times she has met the old bird - reminiscent of my predecessor's boasts of the number of his audiences with Pope JPII.
Hence the delay in the budget/no confidence vote until the 19th. She has a point too. If we were defeated prior to that date, who would meet the plane. Someone has to greet her otherwise she will fall over as she instinctively puts out her hand. A good impression of the late Pope's foible but an impression on the Royal Family almost as bad as letting Saskatchewan's premier, Lorne Calvert, do the honours

Anyways, Judy was in fine form. It was just like old days though I see her 'frienships' now extend to some members of the Opposition
I'm sure she understood that a when a minority is involved (and they don't come much rarer than an Indian selling pizza) the facade of an investigation had to be undertaken. Even if he was a lying Hindu, pizza-wallah.

Of course, the voting fiasco goes on. Poor old Harper. Even when he wins, we change the rules. I'm hoping he'll get so angry that the electorate just cannot see how he will be able to deal with foreign leaders who pay scant attention to laws or procedures, starting with our friend down south

However, it took me by surprise that according to a recent interview Tony Blair has a problem with excessive night urination admitting to going five times a night
Even after a couple of drinks, I don't suffer that much and wouldn't dream of telling anyone if I did

So who do they bring out to counter hockey legend Ken Dryden, a man who now looks as though h'ed have trouble travelling between the posts of a hockey goal and whom I can't trust to make public announcement on his own porttfolio.
How about Wayne Gretzky. Afraid not

Or who would outgun Ujjal Dosanjh, a former provincial premier who had no response to a heckler when giving TV interviews last week.
How about ex Newfoundland premier, Brian Tobin, a man with such naked ambition that he would switch sides without any compunction but who has more charisma in his little toe than Harper has in his whole body. Wrong again

No. The Tories trot out Peter Kent. Like me you are probably asking Peter who?
I had to look him up on the web. At first I thought he must be the North Vancouver actor and great buddy of Arnold Schwarzenegger or maybe the author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Internet. Uh-huh

Turns out he's an ex-autocue reader who got bumped from the CBC twenty years ago. According to his bio at canada.com

As star candidates go he's a true white dwarf

We had someone on from Harper's office yesterday, plaintively requesting that even if they forced an election in the Spring and I stayed as Prime Minister that I stick to my commitment to have another vote immediately after Gomery's final report He even quoted the relevant section of my statement

I haven't laughed so much in weeks

He is setting out his infallibility stall by refusing to say sorry for the war in Iraq and insisting that he never lies.

The voters don't believe him - apparantly his pants-on-fire whoppers are called the Blare Flare - but his party leads in the polls by nine points and is coasting to victory on the back of a reliable and beloved finance minister.

Does any one sense a parallel, here

Harper is no longer listening to Canadians because he has heard what they are saying

So his excuse for an election now is that our deal with the NDP is

Well he must have come to the House even less than me. And this from a man forming an alliance with a party committed to breaking up Canada. He then went on to garble an anecdote which he mistakenly attributed to Winston Churchill instead of George Bernard Shaw.

The poor guy must now be realising what I meant when I said we need to keep surpluses to help in time of National Crisis. In this case polls showing the PC could form a majority government

I almost pity all those Conservative MP's trudging around the constituency to be met by the constant refrain of "he's making Parliament work" and "its only a few more months". Harper's advisers must be working full-time on his back-down-from-an-election-threat speech

As for the longer term. No worries. The NDP have averaged around 14% of the poll in the past 14 elections and are clearly regarded as a protest vote. The thought that they might actually influence governement will scare a good proportion of their voters back into our fold. And giving 'big-business' the perception of a bloody-nose never hurt any party especially now the contributions they can give the Tories have been curtailed under the Canada Elections Act. We can always appease them when we get back to the status quo of a majority Liberal government.

'Machiavellian' Martin strikes again

Of course what's small to an Afro-American is large to a Chinaman. Unlike my personal familiarity with Prince Charles's appendage, I have no way of knowing if Jack Layton's extremities match his petit size. Unfortunately, he took the Asian route when he got married.

We had a brief chat but all he really wanted to talk about was his personal life. He asked me about his moustache, which apparantly his wife, Olivia Chow, insists he keeps for a reason I cannot divulge in a public forum. Suffice to say he has to live up to her name. The similarly-hirsute politicians it brings to mind are Saddam, Hitler, Stalin and Neville Chamberlain (put him in a wing collar and he could be the younger brother of the infamous peacemongerer). All offputting associations for voters so I said keep it

He's obsessed with keeping Ms Chow out of Parliament otherwise she'll move up to Ottawa with the whole family, including the mother-in-law
I only preach multi-culturism. He has to practice it Poor sod

Anyways, he's grateful that I've given a ministerial appointment to the Liberal MP who defeated her in the last election but I fear his providing the NDP votes for this justifiable motive is only putting off the evil day for him

This means that if I decide the best pitch is an a capella rendition of my updated version of the National Anthem it will lead nicely into the Blue Jays v Yankees game which starts 7:07 pm on Sportsnet.

That should ensure no-one watches the oppositions' responses

I have been working - well what else am I supposed to do at those interminable memorial services I attend - on a Canadian equivalent of Donald Trump's 'The Apprentice'. It's a sure-fire winner so I thought I would provide a teaser for it by announcing some details on all the TV stations , which will have the added advantage of getting them into a bidding war for the series. I wasn't planning to give the whole format away but would probably have introduced my catchphrase to match The Apprentice's "You're fired"
It's "Tender your resignation and I will accept it" Donald, consider yourself trumped

Of course, in todays atmosphere, I have kept this project pretty tight to my chest with even the PMO out of the loop. Maybe that was a mistake. When I asked them to book the time, they made an assumption that it was about the sponsorship scandal I don't know why, I know nothing about it as I have testified

By the time I had corrected them it was too late. To add to my problems, my voice has gone from all the yelling at Question Time. I have even had to miss a few sessions, unfortunately So the conversation I had with the hard-of-hearing Amy Butcher (a spokeswoman for the Prime Minister's Office. Ed.) to explain what I was now going to have to address caused more problems
Amy: Are you going to back all your criminal friends
PM: I have never been pro rogues
Amy: But you have a plan to extricate Canada from its banana republic status
PM : This solution is out of my hands

Somehow got out to be a statement

So what the hell can I say?

Not sure how it helps with the election. He'll have to reduce the wait time from five years to five weeks to have any impact. Also it's just storing up problems for the future. The last thing our health system needs is more geriatrics from Guangzhou

I'm guessing we'd have to protest that the Conservatives would undermine the Clarity Act - a piece of legislature that all but condemns Quebeckers to staying in Canada unless they dust off their muskets and undertake a successful military campaign to secede

There are a couple of problems with putting my support behind the Act though
Firstly, we would be relying on what my predecessor regarded as his crowning glory in the legislature. I know I know. Hardly compares with same-sex legislation does it
Secondly, Scott Reid (PMO Head of Communications, aka Moi. Ed) termed it the Obscurity Act in an article he wrote. Potentially, that could be some awkward questions in the House Fortunately, his piece was in the National Post so the chances of anyone seeing it are pretty remote

In my view even if we do lose we're still up 2-1 (Quebeckers voted No in 1980 and 1995. ed.). The least we should do is agree to make it the best of five

Trust them to get the wrong end of the stick. I lied about it not because I was worried about being connected with Boulay but rather that I had had lunch. Sheila has been worried about my weight for several years and I had promised to stick to just breakfast and dinner

Not sure she believed me either as she's purchased a new set of scales for 24 Sussex. I'm being weighed out and in on a regular basis from now on

No I'm talking about personal gain - in case the election goes badly - via my planned TV series (still under wraps) and product placement

Product placement you ask. How so?
Well as you know I'm a great fan of Tony Valeri. Anyone who can beat the crap out of cops ( Presumably the PM's 'sense of humour', Valeri defeated Martin's leadership- rival Sheila Copps to be successful Liberal candidate in Hamilton East. Ed.) is all right by me

However, you can see why even his parents call him Scary-Valeri. Those bulging eyes and pointed teeth... Let's put it this way, I'm not planning on attending any late night sessions with his mouth 10 cms from the back of my neck

And that's the point - "you can see". Every Question Time, there he is behind me getting publicity just by smiling at my witty ripostes. So we've negotiated reasonable terms based on viewing figures. Likewise with Marlene Jennings - my Parliamentary Secretary and a woman whose first child came after eighteen years of marriage - who sits behind him and is one of the great approval-nodders

Nice little earner and I'm sure I can up the rate now. Long Live Election Fever!

It is this last conviction that is under threat from the Gomery inquiry and the probable future election. If we get turfed out, there will be an assumption that pork-barrelling and other forms of corruption will need to be cleaned up. If we maintain a minority government, Canadians will have shown that they can live with the status quo

I am therefore proposing to Harper that he repeats his disappearing trick from the last election and helps us get returned to power with a reduced number of seats. Heaven knows, we'll cock something up so badly - like losing Quebec or the US closing its borders - that his lot will get in next time round. But not on the understanding that they have to purify the system

Hope he buys it. Failing that, I'm really in the shit

Unfortunately, the rest of the Cabinet are already talking without thinking. Labour Minister Joe Fontana noted today that an election would cost roughly $300 million. Someone is bound to point out that I called the 2004 election early and it is still less than the constitutional five years since the 2000 one.

The only saving grace is that he didn't mention that the figure represents three times what we gouged from the electorate through AdScam

Not sure Tim's ( Tim Murphy, PM's Chief of Staff. Ed. ) email to our MP's had the response he was hoping for

The latest opinion poll chills
Time for Tim to impress with his skills
But it made us sound manic
When he said "Don't panic"
The reaction? "Let's head for the hills"

He obviously never watched Dad's Army

The tune isn't too bad in a jingoistic, Victorian-type way but as for the lyric. It fails to rhyme correctly, a third of it is the same line repeated and the language was outdated when it was written. When was the last time you used the word 'Thee'? And 'sons' without 'daughters' is a lawsuit waiting to happen

However, things are looking bleak on the polls front and the public are a sucker for tradition so I have updated the words to more appropriately reflect Canada as it is

O Canada! Our well known Liberal land
You're no patriot unless you join our band
We'll spend your cash, our polls will rise
From opposition free
And far and wide all immigrants
Can come if they vote for me
My name is Paul. I'm trustworthy
O Canada! Come on and vote for me
O Canada! Come on and vote for me

Take a piece of that Oppos!

All humans make mistakes
The pope is infallible
Therefore, the pope is not human

Added to which he refused the desire of the Polish nation (a nation apparantly saved from communism by JPII. Sorry Lech) to have his heart removed so that it could be buried in his native country. I'm thinking Alien conspiracy theory

I hope that you only have to show infallibility after you have been selected. My call for the Gomery inquiry is looking a bit iffy. It's not as though we can go out and spend any money on polling to try and find the best defence. All the cash we have spare is of the laundered variety

Wouldn't want him croaking until we're in the middle of a campaign

However, there are some things that trump even the Charter viz. My remaining PM

When it comes to affairs of the charter
I won't sell out, bargain or barter
Unless the polls say
Things aren't running my way
My name is Paul Martin, not Martyr

So worry not

Tim has suggested I might like to increase my cabinet to include some of the members who would otherwise vote against. Seems a bit crude but
Protecting the Charter of Rights! It's Canadian's number 1 priority

Anyways, my response was in French and as Harper should know, an election call has to be made in both official languages. So Boo Sucks to him.
Also my initial response was cut off so in the interests of clarity ..

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However, it has set me thinking about his succesion. It's about time North America headed it up and no-one from the States has a prayer. If the polls look bad in 2007 it might be a good idea to have a fall-back position. 'One of Canada's greatest Prime Minister's chosen to head World Community'

You may have noticed a recent sequence in Secretary-General's names Boutros-Boutros, Ann-An. If only my father had had the foresight to name me Martin I would have been a shoo-in - but then he never saw what was coming until it hit him

Brian Tobin

The poor fellow has been in limbo since his disastrous attempts to master the French language as a requirement for challenging for the Party leadership. I'm afraid my predecessor was so keen on his protege that he gave him personal tuition. Try recovering from that!

Anyways, as he is no threat anymore I have taken pity on the fellow and given him the unpaid task of "doing his best". Click on the link to the right if you dare. At least he's trying

How I saw off my rivals

How did she even get 211 votes?