Biggest gut-check
When I stated that the result didn't matter as I was going to call an election 30 days after the second Gomery report came out anyways. There was a collective hush amongst my advisors before they all trooped out silently

Biggest regret
I didn't extend the 'guns in our cities' ad.
The Tories didnt get one seat in Montreal, Toronto or Vancouver
Coincidence? I think not.
We should have gone with "Soldiers with Guns. In our cities. In our towns. And in our villages"
Cost us the election in my view

Proudest moment
That we got 100 seats - more than 50 times what the Tories got after their comeuppance. This in spite of the fact that my predecessor landed me in this mess, his acolytes did their best to bring me down and that I had a bunch of clowns working for me
I have clearly laid a bedrock of support from which we should have no trouble winning next time out

Biggest laugh
That Belinda Stronach and Michael Ignatieff would rather be in a Ukranian prison than stuck on the opposition benches. Their tilts at the leadership will founder as the Liberals do not want a 'Born to Rule' leader thrust upon them

Next project
Well I will be pursuing my plans to become Pope and/or UN leader
Also putting the finishing touches to my book "Paul Martin - My Part in his Downfall'

The final week and we roll out our latest line (courtesy of my contemporary, Bob Dylan)

"Please think twice. Dont vote right"

Not sure that's going to get the 20% or whatever we need to ensure a majority, though.

What we really need is a cataclysmic situation so that the country rallies behind its 'One Leader'. I had hoped that Avian Flu would do the trick. But apparantly Canada rates at the bottom end of the susceptability league due to our low density of population and excellent containment facilities set up after the SARS crisis. So I had to scupper our plans to smuggle in a few sweaty Turks and start a panic

The public is more concerned about environmental catastrophe which would fit in with our Kyoto "rhetoric before deeds" platform. Still nothing good (like a tsunami off Vancouver) is likely to happen in the next seven days

I can, however, take some comfort in the fact that I have set a more positive legacy than my predecessor whose reckless 'so a few million went missing' attitude has landed me in the current mess.
According to esteemed environmental scientist, James Lovelock, we can all stop worrying about greenhouse gases etc. because we are already cooked meat

Apparantly

Nothing too explosive there, but sets a factually correct basis for

So now all my sucking up to the abos will pay off. Not in the short-term: the reaction of their full support for me in the forthcoming vote has the effect of turning off the other 95% of the population on the basis of 'Whenever did they make the right choice'

No, I'm looking 100 years hence when the Liberals will have a cast-iron majority. All 308 seats will be ours and the entire population will be Grit MP's

Some days it just pays to lie back and let others speak

Jean Lapierre gets to stick it to his old foes.

Scott Brison is allowed to repeat his "It was Paul Martin who called the enquiry.. It was Paul Martin who said he wanted to get to the bottom.." lines. Apparantly his planned marriage is in limbo as his partner is sick of hearing my name mentioned at the height of their physical encounters

Harper laid into Layton which means that he wont get the support for a confidence vote whilst at the same time planting the seed that the NDP willl do anything for a sniff of power. There's only one party that can benefit from drifting NDP votes
Thank you very much, Stephen.

Even my predecessor unwittingly helped me. He may amuse the hacks who otherwise just spend lonely hours with each other but I'm sure his oafish schtick - and yes he did mention golf balls yet again (yawn) - looks extremely tired outside the beltway

And his call for a jusdicial review just makes him look like a bad loser. The justice system will almost certainly back one of their own and in the unlikely event that polls turn for the worst I can always use it as an excuse for delaying the election. Indeed if he wins I suppose the Gomery report will officialy never exist and thus the election call I promised need not be acted on

And there I am. A saint amongst sinners. Rome take note

Looks like that golf ball stunt by my predecessor at the Gomery inquiry has really backfired on him

Reports suggest that the learned judge is going to heap all the manure where it belongs

I could have done with an earlier tip-off though. I spent much of the summer poring over the transcript of my TV performance where I promised an election within 30 days of the report being released.
The best I could come up with was that I never specifically mentioned 'Earth days'. Why not Mercury's for instance? That would keep me in power for a further 15 years

Bit of the old grasping at straws though and I'mrelieved that it now looks like plain sailing towards Majority Island

I'm wondering if these Chretien cronies are doing it on purpose

Yet another of one of my predecessor's pals discovered with his hands in the cookie jar

I floated the old 'But he made the Mint profitable' line, one I'm planning on using with variation in the next election campaign but not sure it was entirely successful

It wasn't the overall sum
That proves that Dingwall was dumb
No. What was worse
He raided the purse
For a $1.29 pack of gum

As far as feeble excuses go, my predecessor's reasoning for dropping his suit against the popular Gomery takes the biscuit

So JC let me get this straight
In the proceedings it now is too late
But it's also too early
A discrepancy surely
Have you lost your marbles, old mate

-------------

Pretty convenient for Bill Graham that the Americans refuse to testify at the Arar enquiry, as he was able to lump the blame on ex-Ambassador Celluci and Colin Powell.
Before they accept the ex-Upper Canada College student' view that Arar wasnt mistreated, they might also like to check out his sex-toy collection I have a feeling his definition of torture is unnaturally narrow

My predecessor received an award from the Equality Forum gay-rights group in Philadelphia - which puts a whole new slant on its moniker as "The City of Brotherly Love"

I'm beginning to wonder if the unapologetic pensioner understands the physical mechanics of homosexuality when he comes out with pearls like this

I always had to 'turn my back' when I was a confused adolescent at school

Will my predecessor stoop at nothing to try and claim back his place in the limelight?

Initially he tried to get the Gomery inquiry squashed - but only after he had grandstanded at the hearing. Now he's he's using the death of his betters in order to get a microphone in his face. Firstly it was the slain ex-leader of the Lebanon who suddenly materialised as a great personal friend. Now it's his eminence, the Pope. He keeps on about the five times he saw him as if they were the highlights of the Pontiff's life ( The current PM never had an audience with the Pope. Ed.)

Keep your eyes on the TV screen, buddy. See if you can spot ME at the funeral!

I believe the under/over figure is 95% for the leadership review vote at our party convention. Sounds about right: more than my predecessor ever got but below Stalinist levels

Although there will be no vacancy for years, the hacks like nothing better than to talk about possible successors. Chantel Hebert did a good spike job on John Manley and former Chretien cronies Coderre and Cuauchon have been getting their knickers and logic in a twist over how it was unjust to exclude Quebeckers (The last three proper PM's i.e. excluding Kim Campbell have represented Quebec ridings. Ed.) but it was fair to ban anglophiles under the rotation principle

I intend to have some sway in this process when the time comes unlike my predecessor whose protege was the only member of Parliament who spoke French worse than him ( Presumably Brian Tobin. Ed. )
I'm quite happy to fuel speculation that, former Upper Canada College student, Michael Ignatieff the keynote speaker at the convention might get the nod. His pro-US views might enable me to be more accommodating to those south of the border without upsetting the hoi-polloi of the party
However I'll be pressing for a woman or a gay, with Scott Brison in pole position.
Sorry Bill .( Presumably Bill Graham. Ed. ). Too old

So my predecessor generously offered to stay on in office until the auditor-general's report came out but was turned down by my office
Yeh Right. Who would fall for that one!?
Apart from a desperate attempt to cling to power longer he would have used the time to spike any chance of an inquiry which might implicate him.

What exactly is Stephane Dion up to.(In response to The Economist referring to the PM as 'Mr Dithers'. Ed.)
After calling me one of our historic prime ministers he then likens me to Trudeau (I'll take that), Mackenzie King (fair enough), Laurier (er not sure there) and my predecessor (What the F***)
Talk about taking the gloss of a compliment

Dalton McGuinty, not content with denying me a majority government, (Ontario Premiers broken promises hurt Liberals in federal election. Ed) is now bleating about the momentous deal I arrived at with Newfoundland and Nova Scotia
Compare his quote
With my predecessor at the Gomery
More ends justify the means codswallop and the same type of argument that Bush uses for invading Iraq to 'save the world' Doesn't anyone study logic and ethics anymore?

The press are eating their words

As predicted, I got Twinky-Finky ( Neil Finkelstein co-counsel on inquiry. Ed.) and had a pretty easy time of it. In fact, the first hour was such a great tutorial on the workings of government that I am going to have it coming out on a DVD soon
The contrast with Tuesday's testimony just served as a reminder of why my defensive, cheap-trick predecessor got the boot

• The prime minister was poised and confident - Macleans
• Martin spoke ... in a relaxed, polite fashion - Toronto Star
• Mr. Martin showed great confidence - Globe and Mail
• How great Paul art - National Post

Unbridled Adoration. Almost like 2003 over again

I'm thinking my predecessor is craving publicity
Perhaps he could be persuaded to take part in a Canadian version of The Guantanamo Guidebook The show requires that volunteers spend 48 hours locked in cages and be subjected to sexual humiliation, forced nudity and sleep deprivation
Maybe he could be sold on the idea that it shows up the Americans for the torturing bastards they are

What a stunt. Just proves how cheap he is. Only problem is that there was finally something to wake the media up and they loved it especially as Roy and Gomery look like they have sticks up their arses and no sense of humour
What I don't understand is why he hung on to the Dubya golf balls? Thought he would have taken any chance to give GW a bash with the Big Bertha. Probably because they always veer alarmingly to the right

At today's caucus meeting, I thought it was a good chance to flush out the few remaining misguided loyalists of my predecessor. So I did a phoney speech praising his performance and asking members to stand and applaud him. I thought the odd few would fall for it and show their true colours but all of them stood and cheered.
Weird. I must have been particularly eloquent

I see he has started with a statement reiterating his 'means justify the ends' approach. What he fails to mention is the beginnings which were his uninspired attempts to keep the country together

Is he never going to stop? Thank God Teletubbies is on at 10

"One day in Teletubbieland land Tinky-Winky saw a big cloud" . I hope this isn't a portent
No it's disappeared. Oh No It's the big hug. I can't seem to get away from same-sex programming wherever I go

So now it is becoming clearer why my predecessor wanted Gomery out. He does have trouble with his nearest and dearest doesn't he. Former basement-dweller, Jean Carle, really landed him in it with his admittance of money-laundering.
I've heard of coming clean but this is ridiculous

Well he's staying on so my projection ( Jan 28th. Ed.) is still on course
The anticipated cost of the inquiry - at $60 million - is now approaching the amount creamed off by ad-agencies. No doubt Harper will want an enquiry into that too!
Still it will all be worthwhile if we can get to the top of it and my predecessor is nailed

Despite adverse comments in the Press, I think things are panning out just fine

Gomery will stay in his post and - refusing to bow to my predecessor's bullying - will let counsel Roy (Bernard Roy, former principal secretary to Brian Mulroney. Ed.) do his examination. That should be fun and hopefully they will fight each other to a standstill
When I appear it will be someone elses turn - though Neil Finkelstein has some iffy connections too come to think of it

My predecessor is trying to get Judge Gomery removed from the inquiry into his sponsorship scandal. Ever the bully.
But its a win-win situation for me. It not only suggests he has something to hide but also will delay proceedings if Gomery recuses himself. Any replacement will surely want to hear the proceedings him/herself. We'll have had another election by then and the proles will have sponsorship-fatigue and the whole thing will gradually die away. Heh-Heh
Harper's already bleating about it but looks like the opposition is divided on how to handle this

Actually I'm sure my predecessor's main motivation is spite because I have top-billing for the inquiry ( PM is last to appear, one day after Mr. Chretien. Ed). Age before beauty, dust before the broom etc.

Thank God the Chinese have decided not to hold a state funeral for deposed leader, Zhao Ziyang. I've been to enough burials recently to last a lifetime, but - as Adrienne Clarkson will attest - people are easily offended if you don't make it
There's only one I want to be attending in 2005!

Since my predecessor's cabinet kept getting caught in conflict of interest difficulties by taking holiday's with businessman we have to be seen to be above board
So it's just the family this winter. We couldn't get Sri Lanka and, in fact, have ended up in Morocco so I'm expecting whatever their version is of the Delhi-Belly or Aztec Two-Step

One of the complete pains about maintaining a diary is that it has to be kept in both of the official Languages. It was a real pain making sure they were in sync
However, now that I am entering the info electronically I am easily able to send it off to a translator. You'll think me too generous but guess who I have selected.

Brian Tobin

The poor fellow has been in limbo since his disastrous attempts to master the French language as a requirement for challenging for the Party leadership. I'm afraid my predecessor was so keen on his protege that he gave him personal tuition. Try recovering from that!

Anyways, as he is no threat anymore I have taken pity on the fellow and given him the unpaid task of "doing his best". Click on the link to the right if you dare. At least he's trying