I predict that the non stop barrage of photos of Harper and the boys will come back to haunt him

It's not as though it's even his war or, for that matter, mine. You wouldn't have caught me out there other than for a stopover from sunnier climes (what is there to do in downtown Kandahar for nightlife after all. I hear there is not a Tim Hortons in the place)

It was merely an expedient way of avoiding Iraq without incurring the full wrath of the US administration. In hindsight, another error by my predecessor. In that soon to be realized civil war of a country we would have been a small cog that could easily have withdrawn from Bush's Folly. In Afganistan, we're front and centre 'supported' back home by a public keen to pull out at the first casualties incurred by a joyriding squaddy and a mad axeman.

We are stuck in the officially named 'The Islamic Republic of Afghanistan', a landlocked country bordered by China, India, Paki- and various assorted other -istans where the opium trade conservatively accounts for a third of GDP. About as far away physically, politically and culturally from our own land

Stephen you're welcome to it. I'd book the same week for several years ahead. You or your successor are going to need to rally the troops indefinitely

Bit late to this one but as the Afghan invasion continues with us at the helm of operations and the forefront of casualties has anyone noticed that our great multi-cultural country is represented in the field exclusively by soldiers of a lilywhite complexion that reminds one of Oak Bay, Victoria circa 1950

Mind you after World War II, I can understand the reluctance of any citizens of Asian descent signing up. After their grandparents incarceration they are probably a bit wary of 'family fire'

During an election campaign, Middle East usually refers to Ontario the land where 'Scary Stephen' stalks

However, as PM I feel duty bound to refer to the world stage and a couple of recent pronouncements

Bushy continued his back-tracking from the Iraq invasion by admitting that faulty intelligence was to blame. I'm predicting that by the end of his term he'll be censoring Teddy Kennedy for pushing him into it. However, he was in what for him poses as a philosophical mood - you win some you lose some. The win is apparantly that Saddam is in jail. The Loss? Well, I suppose that is 30,000-100,000 deaths including 2,000+ of his own troops

Meanwhile the nutter they should have taken out in next door Iran is in holocaust-denial, Israel-reassignment mode

I was quick with my response

Damn right. Definitely time to put on my NIMBY hat The last thing we want is 6 million Jews to rehouse. Though I suppose at a pinch and a good price, PEI is a possibility. It could be renamed Pure Emigrants of Israel and if some fanatical Muslims take the place out it's just one island of many

I like elections as it somewhat levels the playing field. We can finally have a go at the other side

It's so much easier being in opposition - and I speak from practical knowledge having provided the only worthwhile alternative to my predecessor during his last years in power.

The inability to actually achieve anything is soothing in a sort of masochistic way

Take the hostage crisis.
A scenario that helped topple ex-President Carter and had current British Foreign Affairs Minister, Jack Straw making an embarassing plea on TV yesterday would never play out here. We are powerless and everybody knows it As long as we cover our butts by saying travel to any foreign country is dangerous we've done our bit
And the fact that he went in under the banner of Christian Peacemaker Team?! Well I ask you...

Actually I'm underplaying what we've done. My PMO took time off from their busy schedule to send him a 'HELLO MUM' banner he can hold up next time he's making a futile plea for the release of all Iraqi prisoners held by the occupying forces

Not sure if it got through but if anyone has a copy I'll be glad to post it

WE CARE

It was quite a lot of fun watching Condo' try and spin her way out of her administration's latest blunder, 'renditioning'

Her 'just because everyone who goes on these trips is de facto tortured does not mean that there is an a priori assumption that it will happen' might work in Logic 101 but hardly fools people in realpolitik

There was a slight flap about some of these human cargo planes landing on our soil but no one can seriously blame us. It's like taking it out on a paki convenience store assistant because a criminal buys gas at his store

No I'm more concerned that all the action is taking place in the Middle East or Eastern Europe. And they're no doubt earning a pretty penny for the purpose. Now I know the greenback isn't what it was (since I became presumptive PM when my predecessor resigned our dollar has risen more than a third in value) but hey, dosh is dosh

And we have large remote areas of the country with the sort of housing fit for prisoners and a 'workforce' with the intellectual capacity and physical zeal to act as warders.
Reservation Renditioning has a nice ring to it, eh?

Now obviously we could not accept cash as a government - and anyways we're awash with the stuff. No I'm thinking more partisanly here and staring at empty Liberal party coffers. Something that will need to be replenshed for what is likely to be more elections in the next few years of minority governments

Must dash .. but I'll finish of my thinking later to day

Well after 6 months of deliberation, all but two weeks of which were down to negotiating his remuneration, Bob Rae has finally voted himself a new job.

He will undertake a personal venture in the form of a 'focused, policy-based public inquiry' whatever the hell that means

The families were nitpicky about its terms so I'm sure they will pan the results thus scuppering any thoughts Rae has of launching a run for my position on the back of his report. The chances of that job opening up are becoming remoter by the minute. Thanks Ralph

Why are so-called Intelligence experts so dumb?

Jim Judd, the head of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service managed to come out with this pearl yesterday

Well he got the first half right. With the second he invented (or repackaged ) an oxymoron.

The ability to lie smoothly or completely avoid the question are the true arts of a diplomat and his suggestion that Bush's invasion of Iraq is spawning bred - and presumably future resident - Canadians goes down as one of the greatest gaffes from CSIS - and there have been quite a few of those.

In order to ameliorate the impact, the guy was hired under my watch after all, I may have to follow the route practised by Dubya for their failed Iraqi honchos and give him the Order of Canada.

Perhaps he's not so stupid after all

Stupid of me but when I first saw this missive from Afghanistan

I thought maybe some of visiting Defence Minister and former Upper Canada College pupil, Bill Graham's, rough sex games had got a bit out of hand

Turns out it was a rocket exploding outside the embassy and that Graham was not even in the residence. Which is a bit odd as the missile landed at 4:10 a.m.

Out cruising, I guess

Did I hear that right? Bush accepting some responsibility. God must have given him a good talking to, I suppose

Of course, Dubya is in a healthier position to be contrite. Once a politician admits to a mistake he never hears the end of it. Thank God, I'm infallible
He also benefits from the fact that the greatAmerican public voted for him not once - which is just acceptable given his opponent - but twice! They can hardly admit to such stupidity so will stick by him regardless

I, on the other hand, do not enjoy such a luxury. Unless I can wheedle my way out of it, there is an election coming up in a few months. I'm really only concerned about Ontario where we have 100ish MP's. If a natural or terrorist disaster struck there we could be toast

As chance would have it, they actually have an 'emergency czar', Julian Fantino Ontario's commissioner of emergency management.

The bad news

• The first action Toronto's new mayor took on election was to deny him a renewed contract as the City's police chief
• cf New Orleans. His obsessive loyalty to the Force means he would be unlikely to send them into action if there was any civil unrest
• His most recent quote. "I don't know how anyone could have anticipated it (Katrina). I wouldn't even call that a disaster. To me, it's a catastrophe.". Duh!

Sounds like I could be reliant on the one guy Michael Brown (ex head FEMA) would have beaten out in a competency test. And as it's a provincial matter I can't even sack him.

To me, that's the catastrophe

Turned on my favourite Liberal radio station, CBC 1, yesterday and got some martial music
Flicked on Nationwide and discovered it was BBC news
First thought. Yikes! The Brits have invaded

Turns out there's a strike on. Probably a Mansbridge-induced walkout in response to his missing out on the GGship

But it got me thinking. Perhaps colonialism is back in? After all what goes around comes around. And lets face it the world would be a much better place if most African and Asian countries (let alone the States) were back in European hands

So watch out Mugabe. Your days are numbered. As soon as we can get out of our current commitments, our hundred-strong active force will be headed for the dark continent

One of the side effects of losing weight is an improved athleticism

I was having a chortle with the guys about Hugh Segal's response to being bought off as a Senator...

...when news came through of the red alert at Pearson Airport and that a plane was in flames.

My first thought was that red alert was the Canadian equivalent of the US maximum threat level - McLellan has never been the brightest where originality is concened (or much else for that matter). Instinctively, I headed for the bunker assuming I was leaving a podgy Scott Reid and distracted Tim Murphy in my wake.
Five hours later when they finally heard my incessant banging and let me out I realised that they had been riveted to CNN watching the accidental crash of an Air France jet and that red alert is airportspeak for severe weather conditions

Normally I wouldn't mind a bit of privacy but the only reading material sixty feet under was Straight from the heart and the latest edition of The Advocate, a magazine I had not come across since taking a dump on a visit to Bill Graham's

I can't believe the news today
I can't close my ears and make it go away
How long? how long must we hear this song?
How long? how long?
It's bad enough waking up to the 'Bloody' song. I expect Bono will be all over the airways taking credit for the rapprochement

So the IRA have finally called an end to violence, ordering its fighters to dump their weapons - so look out for a few airguns and supesoakers to appear on ebay Ireland over the next few days

Several factors have led to this outcome. Predominantly they have lacked funding. Since New Yourkers woke up to the fact that terrorism was not such a good idea, the Provisionals have been persona non grata and the money just isn't there. Secondly, their relatively gentlemanly approach of warning the police and leaving conspicuous packages is so 10th Century compared with the kamikaze approach of Al Q'aeda. Finally the demise of ex-PM Ted Heath a few days ago: some of the greates violence came on his watch and they did not want to give him the satisfaction of quitting before the 'Incredible Sulk' had popped off

Tony Blair called to see if there were any decent vacation destinations over here now that one of his favourites, Sharm el-Sheik in Egypt, has been bombed out of existence and his fall-back was inadvertently mentioned by Sky News. I said that although I did not get out there as much as I would like(tee-hee), Calgary was a great spot.

Whilst I was on, I extolled the values of the South Beach diet. I am finally on commission now and get extra if I can bring in new, high-profile members. Unfortunately, Blair is not sporting a paunch but I pointed out that his fellow citizens were clearly unfit. Several of the failed bombers were apprehended by nearby Brits but managed to struggle free and escape from a clearly flabby bunch of beer-swilling, fish-and-chip stuffing fellow travellers

Unable to see the silver lining, Blair completely missed the boat by failing to mention the SB diet at his press conference viewed by millions

What an opportunity wasted (pun intended)

I see Blair has gone uncharacteristically coy over the latest London bombings. Apart that is from exhorting his fellow Brits to act as if nothing had happened, moments before he got into his bullet proof car surrounded by a horde of heavily armed secret service men
He definitely had nothing to say about the mistaken shooting of a Brazilian electrician. Racial profiling has its place but if you can't tell a paki from a spic it rather defeats the procedure. More training required there
Several days after the execution the best the Metropolitan police could come up with is he was that their suspicions were aroused by the victim wearing a heavy coat in the summer. For God's sake back in Rio - or wherever he came from - 20C is cold!

Their insistence on maintaining a shoot to kill policy regardless is absurdly stubborn. If I was Blair I'd amend it to shoot to disable whilst insisting that bullets should be aimed at the head. That should mollify the critics whilst ending up with the same result, one ex- mistaken-for-a-terrorist.

Seems like Blair still has the press in his pocket, though. No-one seems to be mentioning that the head of a Police force that failed to be aware of either set of bombings ahead of time, has yet to capture any of the four or five suspects and has managed to antagonize the entire continent of South America is also named Blair(Sir Ian. Ed.). Don't tell me he's not some relative. It won't wash. According to my info, the chances of this being a coincidence are about 1 in 3333. You'ld get better odds on Harper being PM in a year's time and how unlikely is that!

It made me chortle to see that the Chatham House research paper (which links threats of terrorism in the UK to their participation in the Iraq occupation) came out just as the Brits were recovering from the London bombings

Blair and his cabinet colleagues kneejerked the "Terrorism has nothing to do with our invasion of Iraq" line whilst quite failing to perceive the corollary that the "Invasion of Iraq had nothing to with Terrorsim" - or WMD for that matter

Anyways we're bound to be next on the list so I'm working on yet another classic memorial speech for the victims - who says I never plan ahead! I'm hoping we fall into the same category as Australia and they attack us by proxy. The Aussies were caught out in Bali and the natural equivalent is to hit the hordes of Canucks in Cancun, a cesspit of debauchery that thankfully is the last place I would be caught - pardon the expression - dead in

Sheila woke me up at 7:00 a.m to observe the two miutes silence. God knows why. It's not as if I snore
To be honest I'm sick and tired of the Brits acting as though they still have an Empire by insisting that we all kowtow to noon their time

See this photo

Actually one of the British Bombers - although I've no doubt your first thoughts were that it was a snap I took last time I was in Nunavut

Now I'm not one into racial profiling but I'm sure glad our natives aren't as abstemious as the Muslims What are the chances that a band of our disaffected youth would stay sober long enough to concoct a plan let alone wake up in time to arrive in Ottawa for the morning rush hour?

Looks like I was geographically much close in my guess at who the London bombers were

However, I'm gratful that this is a 'not to be read until after I'm dead' blog. Otherwise, the Quebecois might have got a bit hot under the collar at the suggestion the French were involved and precipitated another seperatist rebellion

The fact that the carnage was caused by a few lads whom no-one, not the security services, community or family, suspected of having any terrorist connections is the most worrying. It shows that the government is virtually helpless. We have to spend billions upon billions on security and can be undercut by a project whose most expensive item was the cost of the train tickets

I had already conceded defeat on this one and realised there was not much point wasting valuable resources on Public Safety. I put Anne McLellan in charge

Back to the smile-meister

Apparantly my 'Hi great to see you, you smug, arrogant bastard, isnt it marvellous that Canada is still part of the G8, congrats on Olympics, sorry about the bombings, I do a wonderful eulogy smile' on greeting Tony Blair yesterday came across as goofy in the circumstances

Luckily, I managed to convince (surprisingly easily actually) the press corps that my advisors had not informed me of the terrorist attack on London prior to the handshake

Well here I was thinking this would make a nice break from the bearpit Ottawa has been from the last few months! Bush's isolation on the environment, Schroeder's forthcoming election and the regular Franco-British spats would take all the attention of me.

Instead, not only have I had to endure another televised tete-a-tete with my stalker, Bono, but now I have just been rudely awakened from a malt-induced stupor to news of explosions on the London transport system.

Although nobody has claimed responsibility, my money is on the French. With Paris failing in it's third recent bid for the summer Olympics to London of all places, ire was running high. Chirac had been suspiciously gracious in his acceptance of the IOC ballot. The recent ballot by his countryman to reject the new European constitution has left him in a weak position vis-a-vis the British and Blair gloating over the Olympic victory may have caused him to crack

More later, if the Internet over here holds up.

Well it's all over and there now remain just the statutory three days before the burial at Gleneagles. Officials are now busy coming up with sets of words that imply we are doing something ... already waived debt ... look at reducing our farm subsidies .... etc.

After suggestions that we are being sidelined, I have come up with the notion that we should link any aid to a reduction in the corruption that runs riot in the dark continent. I have proposed that the inestimable Gomery be given a two to three year sabbatical to investigate the matter. That should raise our standard abroad whilst lessening difficulties locally . We may even unearth some new schemes. It's what Africans do best

Apparantly Bush is suggesting that help given by G8 countries in assisting democracy grow via free and fair elections should be included in the 0.7%. This rationale will enable him to count the hundreds of billions the US military are throwing into Iraq as Foreign Aid

The new Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and the White House at least have something in common. The ex-mayor of Tehran is famous for a quote which Dick Cheney would happily concur with. You need an invasion for that

The election of the hardliner Islamic fundamentalist in Iraq's neighbour appears to placed the latest excuse for invading Iraq, "spreading democracy in the region", into its 'last throes'
Rumsfeld certainly thinks so. His most recent committee appearance brought this gem

An insurgency - he failed to mention - that their occupation engendered. Sounds like a good reason for spending $200 billion dollars and losing thousands of Americans to death and injury

On a more parochial note, I hope this surprise election result does not encourage the leader of Toronto's biggest city, David Miller, to re-enter federal politics. When I visited Sheila's room the other day I noticed she had a poster of him on the wall. She said it was just to throw darts at but I'm not so sure. With the Tories in disarray, his good looks and Layton's relative success may mean the NDP becomes a serious force in Ontario next time round

I could never figure out why neither my predecessor nor Paddy Mulroney ever came out here to Ireland for the Air India memorial service.

I do now.

Whilst I had to maintain my sombre visage, the furious, rather than grieving relatives, swarmed me with calls for a public inquiry. I had hoped to swing Bob Rae ( The eminent Canadian selected by Anne Mclellan to determine what further action should be taken Ed.) away from that course. But once those Indians had seen the whites of his eyes he fled screaming Well at least the caucus won't complain when I dump midget Mac as my deputy in favour of Belinda

Thankfully, I had already made yet another moving speech I'm working on a DVD of eulogies and plans to set up the first nationwide chain of funeral directors are also proceeding satisfactorily

Good finally to see a robust defence of our position by the ex-Syrian envoy, Franco Pillarella, at the Arar inquiry. He quite correctly asserted the view that the word of a Canadian citizen - and a foreign born one at that - should not hold precedence over that of a government, albeit that of a non-democratic agressively tyranical one such as Syria. A very slippery slope avoided there

The better news is that Pillarella has earned a promotion to the Romanian ambassadorship. Sending new suspected terrorists to Syria is now diplomatically out of the question but we now have an East European alternative we can feel comfortable with

I love it when small gestures can have great results

So that is why I met the families of the victims of the Air India tragedy yesterday Another misstep by a distracted Tim Murphy when he booked it for an airport hotel but I think my reaction, aided by copious quantities of saline solution to bring on the tears and invisible earplugs to avoid their countless tales of woe, went down well

Literally true. Literally true.
I threw in a couple of 'very very's', scoffed a samosa and job well done

I've agreed to follow it up by a trip to guiness-land for their annual memorial ceremony. That will give me a chance to reinforce to Bob Rae that his independent investigation must not end in a public inquiry. I threw in a stat holiday as one more sop which should see this particular problemo laid to rest

The timing couod not have been better. Sikhs have been embarrassed, as well they should be, by the whole Grewal saga and this courtesy will just encourage them to return en masse to the Liberal cause

Bingo!

Now that I'm off the Viagra I am pretty sure my eyes are not deceiving me when I observe that Maher Arar and Gurmant Grewal bear a striking resemblance to one another

Now it appears that they share terrorist tendencies