Sorry about the delay in postings. I've been a bit under the weather Still it gave me a chance to visit one of our great Canadian icons - and launching pad for aspiring Governor Generals - the CBC

Oh Dear

I try and listen to the Toronto Morning Show when Andy Barrie is off. In Britain, the BBC has an equivalent show full of top politicians duelling with hard-nosed interviews about things that matter to their country and the world. The high-point of today's programme over here was a twee discussion about an upcoming workshop on transgendering for Seniors.
Yikes

Still even that pales compared with the catastrophe that is the TV's 'At The Hotel', Ken Finkelman's latest CBC project. KF seems to have some Rasputin-like hold at the CBC court. The first season of 'The Newsroom' was amusing, albeit derivative, but that was a decade ago. It has been a precipitous decline ever since; hitting rock bottom with this six part series whose lavish budget reputedly meant cancellation (or merciful eradication whichever way you look at it) of 'Da Vincis Code' and 'This is Wonderland'

It's unclear what hold the Atom Egoyan of the small screen has over Rabinovich's crew and the public purse. One might surmise that it was lingering respect for his successful spell down south; but his credits there amount to eminently forgettable sequels. Grease 2, anyone?

The CBC will be in trouble if ever Harper inadvertently happens on the show whilst surfing for Fox news. He might have the answer to the question that Finkelman poses

Is the CBC in the game of making money or is it in the business of making things that are of cultural value?

With 'At the Hotel' it is clearly neither and may just hasten the demise of Canada's Auntie

Well the blonde-bimbos from Thunder Bay have finally come forward with their side of the story in the Ianiero killings and the Mexican authorities have asked the RCMP to get involved

Off the top of my head, these are a few questions they can ask of the twosome

1. If they were so worried about being seperated from their children, why did they take off without them for a week of sun, sex and slaughter
2. Where are the fathers of their kids
3. What were they doing sharing a room. Did they go for the king-size bed option
4. How come they are still students in their mid-thirties and in all that time have apparantly compiled one term of part-time payed employment in palliative care
5. How could they afford to stay at the Barcelo Maya Beach, a 5 Star - Deluxe All-Inclusive Resort
6. Why did they apparantly book in under assumed names
7. Why have they taken a week to come forward with their story
8. Did they watch a recent episode of CSI which featured a corrupt and ineffective Mexican Police Force
9. Just supposing they were partying heavily on their last day in the resort, how would they react if two respectable Roman Catholics from along the corridor had chastised them for their behaviour and morals

I see the film award season is now in full swing (does it ever stop) and it's a good way of maintaining popularity for what are a generally speaking coke-snorting, wife-beating, sexually promiscuous bunch of ne'er-do-wells

So I'm writing off to Kofi Ann An suggesting we do something similar for politicians. Have Premier of the year (Sharon would get a good sympathy vote), Most Promising Newcomer (Harper wouldn't even make the short-list) and Lifetime Award (Thatcher before she pegs it)

Of course, I would have picked up several best-supporting awards during the 90's. It would have been all the more satisfying as my predecessor would have left home empty-handed year after year

Anyways, I saw the Oscar favourite, BrokeBack Mountain the other day. Nice scenery but the storyline didn't gel. It was about a couple of typically-married cowboys who met up for a fishing trip once a year. They played the strong silent types but then got incongrously over-affectionate on their annual trysts. Seemed a bit queer

Also one of them dies near the end. His wife clearly states that it was an accident whilst fixing a tyre but then the visuals show him being attacked and killed for no apparant reason. An alternative scene that should have been spotted before it went on general release

No Oscar for editing - that's for sure

You know I haven't had an opportunity to view the cartoon. None of our namby-pamby press would print it and a craven Peter Mackay's first action as Forein Minister was to kow-tow to Muhammed's supporters.

Why not view it online, you say?
Uh-huh. Like I'd fall for that one

If the RCMP scupper your re-election they are more than capable of seizing your computer to check up on any 'harmless hobbies' I might have. Then the old baksheesh routine comes in and they spill the beans that the cartoon is on my hard drive

Rseult? Attack on now bodyguard-nuetered Moi by some jihadist fanatic

You think I'm over-reacting? Look at it this way To most Western men sex is the most important thing and yet at my age we do the dirty SA less than five times a WEEK on average

Muslims pray five times a DAY. It's clear where their priorities lie

Unfortunately, I now have too much time on my hands so after the pleasure obtained from the thought that Emerson's harassed children are turning against him and that Mulroney will be wishing he pegged it last year I turned on the TV to find that my bete-noire had stolen my 'thanks to dad' line as U2 swept the Grammys

Me. I have a replica of Jerusalem's wailing wall in the basement to help practice for my future tilt at the world griever-of-the -ear contest

I am hoping to put my skill to the test shortly before election date. My stats guru tells me that with the escalation in gun violence in Toronto, there is a 90% chance of a killing (19 times out of 20) in the week leading up to 23rd January.

I have left a spot in my schedule to rush over to TO meet the parents, give an elegy during which i will subtly slip in our proposal to ban all hand guns if re-elected

Within any luck that will create a groundswell of opinion sufficient to sweep us to victory before it has percolated into the brains of the masses that this continuing rise in violence has occurred after we've spent $2bn on the current and clearly useless legislation

However, today they had a charming young lady on (they ought to consider using her in the leadership debates rather than the usual old fogeys) talking about the upsurge in blogs for the election.

After mentioning supporting acts of Monte Solberg (yikes!), Paul Wells, and Antonia Zerbisias, (and a big thumbs down to my official speechwriter, Scott Feschuk) yours truly was mentioned as the star on the Canadian political blogosphere. Self-evident, I know, but even the most influential and self-assured like to know that the chattering classes have some sense

So I'm in a forgiving mood. Next time the programme features some tin-eared Tibetan troubadors dragged off Yonge Street in a brazen attempt to portray them as the next must-see act, I will smile inwardly rather than reach for the off button.

Peter C. Newman's new book on Mulroney includes an amazing amount of bile on every one of his contemporaries. In some cases he is absolutley on the spot, particularly with regard to my pussy-whipped predecessor

Normally I'd be miffed at my lack of coverage but this once I'm glad not to be featured prominently in the Index

No wonder he feels betrayed by a buddy whom he raised to a Companion of Honour during his term. One guess what he reckons Newman's middle initial stands for

There is thus less attraction here for the left- wing outdoor-types to pitch their tents anywhere near my property unlike Bush who has competing camps near his ranch and Blair, who will shortly be suffering a Brazilian vigil outside 10 Downing Street. He'd do well to send them out some Capirinha (a traditional Brazilian drink Ed.) and let their natural instincts take over. A carnival atmosphere would kind of take away from the message

Just to complete my state of happiness - an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another - the domestic front is proceeding calmly as well. Whilst I'm relaxing in my hammock with a steady supply of pink gins provided by my tiffin wallah, poor old Harper is tramping around the country getting no publicity for his Just the Facts - Harper Hard at Work tour No surprise there. Its a title more suited to a male porn star. No wonder he turfed his Chief of Staff

It's a Wonderful Life

Anyways one of their characters a hypnotist called Kenny Craig has got me worried. Maybe I have been conned into this whole GG debacle and Michaelle Jean was practising voodoo not Vodou Did i imagine that night of passion. I must check my pants.

Well we're stuck with her now although on reflection her statement leaves a bit to be desired. Why she had to say it took 36 hours to craft is beyond me when actually the PMO came up with it in five minutes. We did slip up with the Let me be clear phrase but at least all the 'very very''s were excluded in the final version

I was having a chortle with the guys about Hugh Segal's response to being bought off as a Senator...

...when news came through of the red alert at Pearson Airport and that a plane was in flames.

My first thought was that red alert was the Canadian equivalent of the US maximum threat level - McLellan has never been the brightest where originality is concened (or much else for that matter). Instinctively, I headed for the bunker assuming I was leaving a podgy Scott Reid and distracted Tim Murphy in my wake.
Five hours later when they finally heard my incessant banging and let me out I realised that they had been riveted to CNN watching the accidental crash of an Air France jet and that red alert is airportspeak for severe weather conditions

Normally I wouldn't mind a bit of privacy but the only reading material sixty feet under was Straight from the heart and the latest edition of The Advocate, a magazine I had not come across since taking a dump on a visit to Bill Graham's

It used to be pretty easy to get out for a bit of 'how's your father' or whatever. I just told Sheila I was off to Dunkin Donuts for a 12-pack. Now I'm on this beastly diet, I've had to come up with another excuse. I left a message that I was walking the dog. I was half way through the session before I realised we did not have a canine at 24 Sussex. Luckily the sex instructor had a German Shepherd, who was recovering from the previous course. I thought Sheila would still be suspicious but she took to 'Herr Gros' immmediately and I haven't seen hide or hair of them since

So now I'm scouring the internet dating lines to find Karla so we can have have a 'conversation'. I'm betting with her sense of humour, a jpeg of Kristen French will be her calling card

Apparantly, there is going to be a right-whingers cruise in the Caribbean this December. All the usual suspects present and correct plus escorts 'along to ensure that every aspect of your cruise is enjoyable' That sounds fun.

I've got Scott to keep tabs on the exercise and we'll probably plant a couple of our guys aboard.
With any luck, the non-stop right wing tirades from the likes of Andrew Coyne and John O'Sullivan will stimulate the prisoners passengers to find other ways to amuse themselves. Like invading Cuba

What a hoot!

There was a fair share of that from the beginning of the Barrie concert lead off by 'Stompin' Tom Cochrane

I was glad to see his performance was recognized back in Blighty

Unfortunately, he was accompanied by the ubiquitous Bono who continued to ruin my day by listing Toronto rather than Barrie as the venue in Canada. The weaselly commentators on CTV who fawned over the U2 performance failed to mention the fact

Mind you, Sheila says Bono has a point. Who has heard of Barrie outside of Ontario

The main fuss is over too many white bands - but I guess the record companies of the world do not have enough good third world artists they wish to promote
Lets see who we could offer er Bryan Adams, Tragically Hip, Barenaked Ladies, Avril Lavigne, Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Sarah McLaughlin... I guess that's why we're called the Great White North.
I might go if Jann Arden is appearing. I might earn a bit of commission by signing the chubby minstrel up to the South Beach diet

It's kind of disappointing that U2 were already scheduled to appear elsewhere. I'm sure the ambitious Joe Volpe could have found a way to enhance his standing with me by stopping Bono at the airport for a few hours so he missed the gig ( The PM has a long-running feud with the lead singer and advocate for Ed.)

Lighten up (double pun intended). It's the end of term we'll all be off for the summer soon so whats wrong with a few high jinx?

There was a more serious side to my repartee, apart from helping to avoid whatever tricky question I was being asked

• I out-did my predecessor's stunt at the Gomery inquiry- who's got more balls now - and contrasted my relaxed manner with Harper's humourless demeanour
• Highlighted the fact that whilst I'm sipping wine and savouring pate de foie gras at the G8 conference, Harper will be slurping cheap beer and stuffing himself with pancakes with the Non believers of Ontario and Oui voters in Quebec. Statesman versus Steakman
• Brought attention to my new svelte-like figure

The only downside is that Rat Gonads ( Don't ask Ed.) has yet to come through with the money for my piece of product placement. I can see another drawn out negotiation with Americans coming up

Pat O'Brien (Liberal turned Independent. Ed. ) has now joined the list of no-name MP's who have recently sold their soul for a day in the limelight including , and I need my notes to remind me of them, Inky Mark, Gurmant Grewal and David Kilgour. Of course, Chuck Cadman voted for us on principle so he should not be included with this notorious bunch

Looking at his pitiful resume, apart from the same sex issue his only interests appear to be forging closer ties with Ireland (no doubt hoping for some publicly-funded trips to visit the family) and the creation of another public holiday! Good god man as if career backbenchers don't have an easy enough time of it anyways without looking for more time off

Anyways he's set on the issue and this is one I could not back down on If we don't pass this bill people will be questioning what exactlyhas been achieved in my first year plus. Fuck All ( Unintentional humour Ed )

I gave him the whole "if God hadnt intended us to commit sodomy why did he put the orifices so close together" line but he wasnt buying

It reminds me of my teenage years when I was wrestling with the demon of 'bashing the bishop' During a confession I suggested that if God was against the practice why did he make our arms exactly the right length? "Temptation" was the reply
The priest then offered to give me some one on one counselling which in the light of subsequent events in the Catholic Church, I'm glad I did not take him up on

His idea for a bonding session with aboriginal leaders at yesterday's cabinet retreat was a paintball competition which he crassly labelled "Cowboys versus Injuns"

He'd already ordered a supply of white hats for the good guys - from a Liberal friendly retailer, of course

One person has been killed and at least 49 injured in bomb blasts at cinema in Delhi

I don't know what was showing but you can guarantee that it wasn't one by either of Canadian's auteurs Cronenberg or Egoyan. They'd die to get that big an audience at a showing of one of their films

Neither of their latest movies - full of sex and violence - managed to pick up even one of the many prizes handed out at the just-ended Cannes Film Festival
They will no doubt both be back at the subsidy trough again soon. No country supports failure more than Canada

He had it on good authority that the women are still extremely grateful to Canadians for their liberation from the Nazi jackboot and are willing to show it in the time-honoured fashion often two at a time - hence the expression 'Double Dutch'

Anyway it turns out his information was half right-half wrong

The good news. The women are as open to offering sex as they were in 1945
The bad news. It's the same women proffering their wares. Eighty years old if they're a day

The Dutch girls are willing, no wonder
The Canucks tore the Nazis asunder
My dear old Pop
Went over the top
But I get to go 'Down Under'

Well at least i would have done if Sheila hadn't insisted on coming

The obvious choice would have been "Give Me Just A Little More Time" by, most appositely, 'The Chairman of the Board'

We haven't known each other too long
But the feeling I have is oh so strong
I know we can make it there's no doubt
We owe it to ourselves to find it out

Definitely a keeper for the CD though

You can find a transcript here and I plan to offer signed copies on the forthcoming book tour election campaign. For a fee of course
But modest by Barry Bonds's standards. And I don't take steroids!

I have been working - well what else am I supposed to do at those interminable memorial services I attend - on a Canadian equivalent of Donald Trump's 'The Apprentice'. It's a sure-fire winner so I thought I would provide a teaser for it by announcing some details on all the TV stations , which will have the added advantage of getting them into a bidding war for the series. I wasn't planning to give the whole format away but would probably have introduced my catchphrase to match The Apprentice's "You're fired"
It's "Tender your resignation and I will accept it" Donald, consider yourself trumped

Of course, in todays atmosphere, I have kept this project pretty tight to my chest with even the PMO out of the loop. Maybe that was a mistake. When I asked them to book the time, they made an assumption that it was about the sponsorship scandal I don't know why, I know nothing about it as I have testified

By the time I had corrected them it was too late. To add to my problems, my voice has gone from all the yelling at Question Time. I have even had to miss a few sessions, unfortunately So the conversation I had with the hard-of-hearing Amy Butcher (a spokeswoman for the Prime Minister's Office. Ed.) to explain what I was now going to have to address caused more problems
Amy: Are you going to back all your criminal friends
PM: I have never been pro rogues
Amy: But you have a plan to extricate Canada from its banana republic status
PM : This solution is out of my hands

Somehow got out to be a statement

So what the hell can I say?

One of Terri Schiavo's doctor's walks out of her room into Newfoundland. His stethoscope morphs into Jason Giambi's baseball bat which he uses to beat a cub seal. Just before it expires the seal turns round and pleads "I'm already an HIV-carrying alcoholic dying of lung-cancer"

What does it all mean?

I've got until the end of November to get him to agree to record a song whose lyric I'm working on at this very minute, "Promises made, Promises kept"

In an interesting political message, it appeared that the Atwood book lost not due to its content but because of its proponent, none other than Olivia Chow - failed NDP candidate at the last federal election and wife of its leader, Jack Lay-it-on. Her shrill objections to Rockbound for its parochial view of life and depiction of women completely disregarded any objective measure of its literary worth and really got up the noses of her fellow-panellists

I'm betting Jack was relieved she didn't make it to Parliament Hill and he can get away from her for a few months a year