The CBC recently jumped on the bandwagon of a story in the Toronto star about the planned deportation of some illegal immigrants

What's news there? No doubt hundreds of Asians and Latinos suffer the same fate annually but these were Portugese. A bit more like us

Anyways these lawbreakers got the full sympathy treatment about how they were finagled out of money by evil consultants suggesting they apply on refugee grounds

Hello! This is Portugese coming to Canada not vice versa. Unless their slow boat from Lisbon left before fascist Salazar died in 1970, Portugal's temperate climate, the land of sardines and sweet wine, is a go-to place

Our immigration ministry might help with a 'No Portugese' notice but I suspect 90% of their cases and hence trheir employment are built round no-hope cases

As a sidenote, I remember visiting post-war England and seeing signs in guest houses for 'No Blacks'. Rumour has it that the three year old Conrad Black saw the same on a trip to London. Even at that age he was amazingly self absorbed and did not realise it referred to our coloured brethren. This fuelled a srong desire to be accepted by the Brits, and a hang-the-consequences business ethic culminating in both a peerage and criminal charges.

Expect him to produce the race card at his forthcoming trial

A few weeks ago his death have been headline news and I would be preparing a tribute for his memorial service.

Now nothing ( OK pray tell. Ed)

I am, of course, referring to the shocking demise of my old friend and cabinet colleague, Irwin Cotler ( Are you sure? Ed)

Clearly Canadians forget their own too swiftly. No doubt he was shunned bu his legal peers after all the ignominous apologies for our policies. His torturous legal arguments fooled no-one but good trooper that he was he did his bit for the party, if not the country. I didn't think he had it in him to sell his soul to keep us in power but he did. Of course when we got turfed he had neither position nor integrity. His last days must have been very sad ( Nothing about this on Google News yet. Ed.)

In fact, I only came across the news that he had passed away from an obituary in the Independent ( Hang on while I check this out. Ed)

The Brits still take a sniffy Colonial attitude, I'm sorry to say. His sterling work as Minister of Justice is covered by the phrase "..from the mid 1990's on he was largely retired..". I know the position was hardly onerous but even so.. ( I think you've got the wrong guy Ed)

Apparantly, the old rogue led a double life. He was clearly a man of great energy, belying the fact that he was over 80. He commuted to Ottawa from a small North London flat and was partial to wearing pink flamingo shirts and straw suits. I'm surprised he maintained tenure at McGill University for so long ( This is Ivor Cutler NOT Irwin Cotler Ed)

And to top it all he went by the nickname, Buster Bloodvessel, which I suppose was appropriate in the end. It's amazing what some people conceal from even their closest colleagues! ( I give up Ed)

I could do with a bit of help here
My war room is suffering some serious casualties Tim Murphy has been MIA since the the Grewal affair and Scott Reid is suffering the worst fortune from the beer and popcorn saga - he's being laughed at by one and all ( No I'm not. Am I? Ed.)

The problem is my

outburst
The bugger only took me up on it. And then Harper joined the fray

Don't they understand a fucking metaphor?!

I brushed it off quoting a busy schedule. I'm not hanging around on street corners Last time that happened it took a lot of time, money and influence to get me out of police HQ

Perhaps I should just stand above the fray?
Would someone build me a rose garden tout-bleedin-suite

Actually it's not all bad news as I have nimble-footed my way to an alternative opportunity
What the psudeo-pundits have failed to pick up on is the dual significance of my

speech. It was not just to show my federalist credentials. It was a resume

If, as seeems likely, the Bloc gain more than 50% of the vote, then the push for seperatism will grow. Now lets suppose they win the referendum. Do they really want a callow, thirty-something, Andre Boscalir representing them in foreign parts? As an overt homosexual he'd probably be thrown in jail in the first Middle East or African country he visited. Not a good start

No, as their first PM (or President) they'll be looking for someone with experience, a Quebecer who in negotiations with Canada knows where all the money is hidden. Someone who is great buddies with a founder of the Bloc, for instance Jean Lapierre.
And guess who will happen to be unexpectedly available. Moi.

Probably the first person ever to have been Prime Minister of two countries
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, JC

I recently stated that I love campaining and a major reason is that Stephen Harper is a decent but dumb man who believes me when I say we want to conduct a civilized campaign

Maybe if I was headed for a large majority but in minorityland anything goes (off the record of course)

One tactic is to smear an Oppo by association And who should fall into our laps but none other than Canada's most reviled man - after Brian Mulroney of course - Conrad Black

Hopefully we can pump up how dastardly he is by getting pictures of him in cuffs in a Chicago courthouse facing charges of using Hollinger investments as his own private (and v large) piggy bank

If he resists extradition, Joe Volpe will be attempting to throw him out as an illegal immigrant. After all, whilst millions of the less fortunate are clamouring to get in why should we put up with someone living here who gave up his citizenship just so he could become a Tony Blair peer?

And here is the link literally. Conrad Black helps choose the guests for the annual Bilderberg meetings which were initiated in 1954 by the Nazi-sympathizing Prince Bernhard of the Netherlands. And in 2003 none other than our esteemed leader of the opposition was invited

Shame we haven't got any photos of them together. Security was tighter than the the Virgin Mary's pussy Still a bit of photoshopping should do the trick. By the time the truth has been found out the damage is done

It would be remiss of me not to reflect on the passing of the great publisher, Beland Honderich.

Hardly mentioned in all the tributes was the little known fact that he was one of the few Canadians who invented a practice subsequently taken up by many distinguished citizens down south, including the current President.

I am referring, of course, to draft-dodging

Eager to pursue a journalistic career, his 'poor' eyesight and hearing enabled him to avoid service and replace someone at the Toronto Star who had gone off to Europe to fight the Nazis. The rest, as they say, is history.

Adding a capacity to keep stum when asked about politicians' misdemeanours, his "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" persona made him a great servant to the Liberal party as he kept the leading Canadian newspaper onside for decades

He will be sorely missed

Had mexican president Vincente Fox up for the weekend Charming chap who has some interesting links with Canada

I was intrigued by his surname - not very Hispanic - and he told me he had chnged it from zorro twenty odd years ago in respect of our very own Terry Fox He also believed it helpes with his election as Back to the future (starring our very own Michaerl J Fox) is by far the biggest grossing film in Mexican history. He's thinking of changing it back though as the Legend of Zorro starring Antonio Banderas is about to hit the screens

He also believed his height (6'6" a foot taller than his average countryman) was an advantage - backward people think it indicates a man of stature in more ways than one. According to him, some Indians take it even further. In their case, the fattest candidate indicating the most succesful. Apparantly they sometimes don't bother having election debates but just cut the guff and bring out a weighing machine

Luckily, in my case, Canadians are more influenced by looks

Well that's one monkey off my back.

But even her parting words seduced one of my more naive colleagues

In one sentence she manages to get across

• She is beloved by many
• Other people think she is more important than the institution
• Don't get above yourself, Island Girl

You have to hand it to her
I may have to give her some sort of post before the NDP snaps her up

Intriguingly, currently the site is down so maybe the new incumbent is shredding/deleting all reference to whats her name

Well back to the same old same old. Managed to get in first with the "Let's have some decorum" baloney so look better than opposition there

One good thing is that we finally get rid of Clarkson. With any luck she'll revisit her beloved Far North and fall down an ice hole. Although I rather doubt if she wants to brave the weather. Seems like now I refused to grant her request to become GG for life a spot of rain is an excuse to take it easy

Just in case you didnt get the subtext of my farewell speech to her, here it is

The spendthrift GG's got some front
So for once I'm going to be blunt
So Proud and vain
Met all with disdain
Now sod off you miserable cunt

Is there no end to this woman's hubris!

Still smarting that I chose a more-glamouros successor rather than her pedantic husband, she has now created two awards in her name! One a hockey cup for women and the other a medal to be awarded each year to an individual who has made an outstanding contribution to the "evolution and constant reaffirmation" of Northern Canada.

She had the efforntery, yesterday, to send me a fax 'as a courtesy' to tell me about them and remind me that as she is the Governor-General I had to bow to her wishes.

Aligning herself with a sport trophy is ludicrous as I doubt if she's handled a ball (of any description) let alone been pucked in years. And then after all my trips to the frozen North she had the gall to say

Her final words to me were that her first inclination was to rename Nunavut, Clarksonland, but that she was concerned the natives would celebrate so long and hard leading to even greater alcoholism. She'd settle to be the first recipient of the medal!

And she's still got one week to go

Well that sorts out what my Christmas Gift to all and sundry will be

Peter C. Newman's new book on Mulroney includes an amazing amount of bile on every one of his contemporaries. In some cases he is absolutley on the spot, particularly with regard to my pussy-whipped predecessor

Normally I'd be miffed at my lack of coverage but this once I'm glad not to be featured prominently in the Index

No wonder he feels betrayed by a buddy whom he raised to a Companion of Honour during his term. One guess what he reckons Newman's middle initial stands for

Well bless my soul, just as all eyes were on potential shuttle victims, Peter Jennings goes and pops it

A man whose Canadian educationleft a lot to be desired but who nevertheless found fame and fortune down South, perpetuating some truth or other

Surprised to see he was less than a month older than me - I guess some people wear middle age better than others

BTW has there ever been anybody who has not 'fought' cancer when it has been diagnosed. It would be nice - just for once - to hear someone say. "Hey I've got cancer. I'm quitting"

Not sure what it will do for Africans but the plan to hold a Live 8 concert in Canada is causing strife in Ontario where the mayors of Barie and Toronto are battling over where it should be held

The main fuss is over too many white bands - but I guess the record companies of the world do not have enough good third world artists they wish to promote
Lets see who we could offer er Bryan Adams, Tragically Hip, Barenaked Ladies, Avril Lavigne, Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Sarah McLaughlin... I guess that's why we're called the Great White North.
I might go if Jann Arden is appearing. I might earn a bit of commission by signing the chubby minstrel up to the South Beach diet

It's kind of disappointing that U2 were already scheduled to appear elsewhere. I'm sure the ambitious Joe Volpe could have found a way to enhance his standing with me by stopping Bono at the airport for a few hours so he missed the gig ( The PM has a long-running feud with the lead singer and advocate for Ed.)

Still at it after all these years, Margaret Trudeau (ex-wife of the late, lamented Prime Minister) was recently arrested in a state of intoxication. Rather than put her hands up and ask for similar offences to be taken into account, she challenged the charge based on the Charter of Rights and Freedoms on the specious argument that she could not call a lawyer out to the intersection she was stopped at. Pierre may well have had her specific situation in mind but it seems to me that this flagrant abuse of the legislation clearly discriminates against the majority i.e those who cannot afford some high priced attorney at a preliminary hearing. Still it might set a useful precedent for society's elite, comme moi

The trial continues Oct. 4 and 5 in Ottawa. Part of me hopes she gets off. Anyone who could cuckold the vain Pierre has to have my admiration

Not looking too good for Paddy
As we are trying to keep as quiet as possible an estimated 10,000 Canadians die in hospital as a result of medical error and this is his second trip in as many months

Runour has it that the second visit has nothing to do with his pancreatic problems. Apparantly, he was watching Belinda on TV stating that he, as her VCF (Very Close Friend. One of a seemingly limitlessless number. Ed), endorsed her switch to our party. This caused him to choke on some poutine and he was only found by wife Mila several hours later, after she returned from a shopping trip, mouthing the words "I could have got away with so much more"

Normally we make policy announcements to coincide with , and thus mitigate the effect of, 'explosive' Gomery testimony. On this occasion I hope we're releasing the latest Child Care proposals at the same time as the inquiry has Chuck Guite (Bureaucrat in charge of handing out commissions.Ed.) on the stand. But this time I hope the scandal grabs all the headlines because Child Care is in a mess

Poor, ex-Montreal Canadien, Ken Dryden has proven to be a complete puck-head who clearly played at a time when there was little or no protective gear. Opposing forwards may have struggled to get past him but provincial ministers seem to have no trouble out-dukeing the Minister of Social Development

I'm no sports fan, but was told he would make a great star candidate both as a man of intellectual capacity as writer of what is regarded as the greatest book on the NHL ever written by a former player and business acumen as President of the Toronto Maple Leafs. It was only after I had elevated him to the Cabinet and struggled through the first few pages of 'The Game' that I realised that he must have been the only ex-player who had ever published. I also found out that his tenure at the Maple leafs had seen him oversee a continuing decline in the clubs fortunes in spite of spending obscene amounts of money and he was manouvered out of his position by his coach (shades of things to come)

With no hockey in Montreal and the baseball Expos having just departed, politics is the only game in town The Montreal Gazette, in spite of bloopers such as stating that Gomery is due to report initially in September, seems to be the only read out there. So my only real hope is that the NHL negotiations carry on and I can send Ken Dryden out there to mediate.

At the worst, it will rid me of an incompetent. At best he may be around when the twos sides reach agreement. Then I'll share the glory with him

Bit miffed I wasn't invited to his 25th celebrations particularly as we have a connection

Q What do Terry Fox and Paul Martin's Liberals have in common
A They run well until they approach the Manitoba border

Q Why is Paul Martin superior to Terry Fox
A Fox is one Canadian legend but Paul Martin has two Canadia leg ends

Seriously, he has a worthy place in the pantheon of brave but ultimately unsuccessful Canadians. Father of them all is 'The Greatest Canadian', Tommy Douglas, the man who gave us a public health system now ranked 30th in the world

Of course, Canadians may admire him from their couches but Cubans actually get up off their butts and run. Apparantly a couple of million in the latest Terry Fox road race. His family should have trademarked his name.

They must be kicking themselves, something Terry himself found a physical challenge