He's in the clink

Disgraced rock star, Gary Glitter
Gives tips on how not to be bitter
"Get a Vietnamese
Spread her legs at the knees
Then see if your schlong will fit her"

Probably not many of the puckheads that drunkenly hum along to the hockey anthem Rock And Roll Part 2, realise that it is performed by serial pedophile, Paul Gadd aka Gary Glitter.

Not a lot of people know that my youngest was conceived to the sound of

I love you love you love me too love I love you love me love; I love you love my only true love I love you love me love.

Some would say his greatest lyric

Not sure his defence that he was only teaching the 10 year old Vietnamese girls English is going to wash. Someone should point out that 'penis' and 'vagina' are actually Latin words

Well the blonde-bimbos from Thunder Bay have finally come forward with their side of the story in the Ianiero killings and the Mexican authorities have asked the RCMP to get involved

Off the top of my head, these are a few questions they can ask of the twosome

1. If they were so worried about being seperated from their children, why did they take off without them for a week of sun, sex and slaughter
2. Where are the fathers of their kids
3. What were they doing sharing a room. Did they go for the king-size bed option
4. How come they are still students in their mid-thirties and in all that time have apparantly compiled one term of part-time payed employment in palliative care
5. How could they afford to stay at the Barcelo Maya Beach, a 5 Star - Deluxe All-Inclusive Resort
6. Why did they apparantly book in under assumed names
7. Why have they taken a week to come forward with their story
8. Did they watch a recent episode of CSI which featured a corrupt and ineffective Mexican Police Force
9. Just supposing they were partying heavily on their last day in the resort, how would they react if two respectable Roman Catholics from along the corridor had chastised them for their behaviour and morals

Fat chance of it happening though, I'm guessing if they submit to a body search, that will be enough to make sure that what happens in Mexico, stays in Thunder Bay

First the bad news

From my local optometrist

" Recent pronouncements have concerned us about your vision have been compounded by your recent advertisement in which you appeared to have difficulty locating the camera We would advise you that at you age you should have annual checkups
This is not an emergency so I suggest we arrange an appointment at a time when you have nothing more pressing to attend to
How does January 24th sound? "

and NACA (no relation to NASA)

" We have recently seen you on television and your bellicose nature and hand-whirling suggest you are an energetic person for your advanced years I wonder if you would be prepared to act as a volunteer to the National Advisory Council on Aging before what appears to be early-onset Alzheimers (viz. forgoten prior positions on Itaq, same-sex etc.) takes full hold as we will clearly be challenged by the incoming Conservative administration

As you will note from the website we are a moribund association which has not achieved anything of note for the past five years so you would swiftly feel at home amongst us"

BUT

" Following your tip off, we are pleased to say we have found several copies of a hidden agenda on and within the person of the Leader of the Opposition You will no doubt also be delighted to know that we will also be bringing criminal charges against him as the evidence suggests he stole Liberal party headed notepapaer on which to type up the secret policies"

It is a commonly-held fallacy that headlines are written by a copy editor. The assumption is that with an English degree and years of journalistic experience, he/she carefully scrutinizes the text and then encapsulates the meaning with an arresting phrase

Well that's not the way it works here. We apply the country-song approach. Come up with a title and adjust the facts as necessary

But on this occasion we not only come up with the headline and fashion the story but also made the events happen

We were saving 'Beyond Hope' line for a last, desperate plea for a sympathy vote but fortunately a small problem in Abbotsford, east of Hope, BC (geddit) enabled us to bring it up a day or two earlier than planned.

One of the secrets of politics is to learn from others - but not to give them any credit. I was able to apply this maxim twice yesterday.

A couple of months ago, the NDP put forward a motion to set up a fund for families whose breadwinneers died in the line of duty. Around 50 of the Liberal caucus, including leading Cabinet members (thankfully myself excepted) voted against the suggestion. I have now embraced the notion with the creation of a Heroes Fund backdating it to include those Mounties who died in the dereliction of their duty. Hopefully, negative reaction from families whose heroes died prior to Jan 1st 2005 can be kept under wraps until after the election

On Thursday, Harper got a lot of credit for ditching a Conservative candidate who had been charged with smuggling by the RCMP. On Friday I went one better by throwing out our Abbotsford candidate who had only been accused by his NDP rival of attempted bribery

What you may well ask has happened to our

approach used in the income trust brouhaha. Especially when there is no evidence to back up the Dippers allegations and the idea of a candidate conceding an election and suggesting that his supportes switch their allegiance to an opponent in a seat the Tories are going to win anyways, completely beggars belief

Well, appearances are everything and the Dipper looks like an honest farmboy. Our ex-guy looks like a cross between Tony Valeri and the Boston Strangler, with a trailer-trash wife to boot. So I went into

mode

Of course if it had been a winnable seat.. but hey he was 'Beyond Hope'

As Dubya showed last time out, even a country totally bereft (my fave word of the moment) of moral leadership and inclusiveness can win an election. The secret is to scare the populace into an instinctive vote for authority. He accomplished the feat with his nebulous external enemies

A bit trickier for me, as most fanatics, if they have even heard of Canada, assume we are the 51st state. So the secret is to create an enemy within

Serendipitously, two events fell into my lap over the past couple of days. The shooting in Toronto and some anti-Semitic graffiti found on an Edmonton synagogue. As luck would have it, I was at a Hanukkah celebration yesterday and was able to get in the phrase 'un-Canadian activities'. Due to the aforementioned rally-round-the-flag mentality, I had no need to be partisan - unlike Harper whose bleating for more hand-gun enforcement just sounded like an attack on the police

In fact, the alarm is completely overstated. One death on the 1896km of Yonge street this year hardly warrants this reaction. Everyone knows it is just down to black gangs that are doing their best to erase the problem. Best option would be to stand back and let them eliminate each other There is bound to be the odd bit of collateral damage

However, Mayor Miller's stay-away attitude ( He remained vacationing in Spain Ed.) does provide an opening it would be remiss of me to ignore. I will take the opportunity to talk up his NDP background and by association smear his former colleague on Toronto council, Jack Layton

Woke up to the headlines 'Liberal Blogger Quits' and thought Canada was bereft of its PM

However, there are apparantly lesser lights in our party who have joined my bandwaggon, using blogs to show the world the 'inner man'

Anyway, this particular person, Mark Klander,(apparantly one of my henchmen but I cannot recall him) has been hung drawn and quartered for including in his listing of 'Top 10 things that will make me sick during the election campaign'
No 10: Olivia Chow
That's it (well more or less)

Well, Jack Layton's partner has also figured in these pages. Thank God this blog wont see the light of day until I'm sitting at the right hand of you-know-who because I have no idea how to disable the search engine on this site

For more coverage check out Comments please and small dead animals

We've managed to distance ourselves from this 'volunteer' and plan to put it out that he might have been a plant by the Conservatives. After all, with a name like Klander he obviously has some connection to the KKK, the forerunner of Reform. We still have some cash over from Adscam which will help him back up up the story.

Logic also comes to our rescue

• Liberals never say uncomplimentary things about gays, ethnics etc.
• Klander did
• Klander cannot be a Liberal
• Therefore he must be a Tory

OK that fourth point might get some formal logicians in a tizzy but hey IT'S AN ELECTION CAMPAIGN DUMMY

Still it remains a bit of an embarassment. Shame he wasn't hiding out amongst the crowds at Dundas and Yonge yesterday. (scene of a deadly gun battle. Ed.) One weel-aimed bullet could have swiftly killed this story

Each president or PM has his own hobby. My predecessor cut holes in the floor to practice his putting (and rumour has it in the hope that his dominating wife, Aline, would fall in one and break a hip), George H had a horseshoe tossing pit, and JFK a broom cupboard

Me. I have a replica of Jerusalem's wailing wall in the basement to help practice for my future tilt at the world griever-of-the -ear contest

I am hoping to put my skill to the test shortly before election date. My stats guru tells me that with the escalation in gun violence in Toronto, there is a 90% chance of a killing (19 times out of 20) in the week leading up to 23rd January.

I have left a spot in my schedule to rush over to TO meet the parents, give an elegy during which i will subtly slip in our proposal to ban all hand guns if re-elected

Within any luck that will create a groundswell of opinion sufficient to sweep us to victory before it has percolated into the brains of the masses that this continuing rise in violence has occurred after we've spent $2bn on the current and clearly useless legislation

Very anti-climactic in the end. Kind of like foreplay with Belinda and ending up with any old Sheila (Martin, Copps, Fraser take your pick)

And being in bed with the wrong people will likely decide the outcome of this election, and how big a majority I will get.
Harper already has the misfortune of having that cuckoo Klein as the best known face of current conservatism. The ghost of Mulroney hovers and he was good enough to exacerbate things further by suing Peter C Newman and allowing my buddies at the CBC to replay the film of his foulmouthed tirade against one-and-all. Finally, fellow neo-con Mike Harris has been outed by his erstwhile Attorney general for saying "get the fucking Indians out of the park" a few hours before one of said Injuns was downed by a cowboy cop.

Somewhat ironinc that the natives have been saying this for ages but it is only when an old white male confirms their tale that it takes credence. Talk about inbred racism

Anyways off to see the fragrant GG to set the date. First Thursday after Harris's forthcoming appearance at the Ipperwash inquiry should set the seal on my victory

The Coalition of African Canadian Organizations has been bugging me for weeks for a meeting on gun violence and I finally cleared my agenda to see them yesterday Pardon the expression but this managed to kill several birds with one stone

• There's an election coming up and I need to cement the Negro vote
• I upstaged the odd couple's ( Bill Graham and Scott Brison. Ed) press conference on new defence purchases
• Judy Sgro got some attention for once. Hopefully that will stop her hopeless agitation for a recall to cabinet
• I was able to press the community to do more to foster my ambitions to make Montreal the jazz capital of the world

But the action that tipped the balance was the recent slaughter at a funeral. I want a stop put to any copy-cat action. Don't they know how many funerals, memorials and cemetery tours I do?

One of the leaders was a charming young woman called Saron Ghebressellassie. I made a strong suggestion that if she has any kids she either gives them a short first name - something like Tom for instance - or at least encourage the father to stick around long enough to get his name on the birth certificate. I have a feeling if the combined name comes to more than 25 letters it wont fit on identity cards and we could have a costly retooling of their dimensions or a Charter action facing us

In line with the low key response for aid to Pakistan re their earthquake, there has quite understandably been little support for moves to fasttrack victims with their applications to emigrate to Canada

Looking at France, the last thing we want is a load more disaffected and unemployed Muslims wandering around our cities

No. We are far better off with boosting our population via China. Dubya's business friends have got him to crack down on Beijing so anyone over there applying for a move to the States is likely to find himself a Chink in the Clink; so we are likely to become a most favoured destination

That suits me. As a race, they are pretty compliant and as can be seen, my self-penned Red Book, 'Creating Opportunity: The Liberal Plan for Canada', remains a best-seller over there

I'm always being lambasted for being successful and one of the richest Canadians but you can bet if I had been in court over the sponsorship scandal - and of course there is no reason why I should be - I would not have got off so lightly as Paul 'I bulit my own' Coffin.

Apparantly, repaying a fraction of the money he milked from the People of Canada has left him destitute (where is all the spondulex then?) and so the judge let him off with slap on the wrist involving being in bed by 9 on weekdays and a job as lecturere at the prestigious McGill university.

The judge justified this lunacy on the basis that

That's the sort of argument Bernado's lawyers should have used. I would say the chances of him killing French or Mahaffay again are also extremely minimal or I venture to suggest, non-existent

There never seems much going on during the hot weather - maybe global warming isn't such a bad idea

The main news is clouds over Florida so the shuttle landing is delayed. But there are no Canadians on board, anyway, so even in the event of the crash I wouldn't have the opportunity to make one of my much-anticipated eulogies

I think I'll try and nose out Karla. There's a gutless web site which pretends it knows her address but cannot print it for legal reasons

Wimps

I see Blair has gone uncharacteristically coy over the latest London bombings. Apart that is from exhorting his fellow Brits to act as if nothing had happened, moments before he got into his bullet proof car surrounded by a horde of heavily armed secret service men
He definitely had nothing to say about the mistaken shooting of a Brazilian electrician. Racial profiling has its place but if you can't tell a paki from a spic it rather defeats the procedure. More training required there
Several days after the execution the best the Metropolitan police could come up with is he was that their suspicions were aroused by the victim wearing a heavy coat in the summer. For God's sake back in Rio - or wherever he came from - 20C is cold!

Their insistence on maintaining a shoot to kill policy regardless is absurdly stubborn. If I was Blair I'd amend it to shoot to disable whilst insisting that bullets should be aimed at the head. That should mollify the critics whilst ending up with the same result, one ex- mistaken-for-a-terrorist.

Seems like Blair still has the press in his pocket, though. No-one seems to be mentioning that the head of a Police force that failed to be aware of either set of bombings ahead of time, has yet to capture any of the four or five suspects and has managed to antagonize the entire continent of South America is also named Blair(Sir Ian. Ed.). Don't tell me he's not some relative. It won't wash. According to my info, the chances of this being a coincidence are about 1 in 3333. You'ld get better odds on Harper being PM in a year's time and how unlikely is that!

I'll get to the London bombing when I've discussed the opportunities with my cabinet but I don't want the Liana White death go without comment

The case has brought the usual Violence-against-women types out of the kitchen. In my parents days if you gave your wife a bit of discipline no-one was the wiser. Now at the slightest tap they run to the law and the husband is in deep shit. So the incentive to polish her off has been increased. Add that to your stats Freda

My guess is that the wife taunted the husband with an assertion that the kid she was expecting was not his. His reaction was based on millenia of evolution. Blame it on the genes, I say.
I read somewhere that in 25% of births the unwitting husband is not the natural father of the child. Now you know why I stopped at three kids

One aspect of the case puzzles me, however. How does an archetypal trailer-trasher with a court-martial record obtain a 97% mortgage.
Now that is a crime