He's in the clink

Disgraced rock star, Gary Glitter
Gives tips on how not to be bitter
"Get a Vietnamese
Spread her legs at the knees
Then see if your schlong will fit her"

Spending time in Regina naturally led to thoughts of queens and the current interest in them over in old Blighty

The Brits are now following our lead on same-sex and Sir Elton is one of the first to make a move, marrying a Scarborough lad no less. The wedding, traditionally taken at the home of the bride, is taking place in England so I suppose that means David Furnish is the boy in the relationship. Thank goodness for small mercies

Moving on to the real thing, HRH is having her upteenth portrait done by that lovable rogue Rolf, 'Tie me kangaroo down sport' Harris. He's a ex-Aussie so I would have thought he would have come out with something a bit shocking but apparantly it's a 'comfy' rendition of the old biddy

Still I'm sure this would have crossed his mind, unless his lack of a Latin education meant he had the obvious rhymeto the praire province's capital

Sipping tea from the finest bone china
Rolf said "Pose on this recliner"
'I can now do the queen
As she's never been seen
with a view of her bum and vagina'

Although Dubya never admitted it, it is a generally-held assumption that he too was a user until his religious conversion. Even in stodgy old Blighty, the front-runner to head the Conservatives David Cameron has only denied snorting cocaine since he became an MP. The implication is obvious

So it would not surprise me if at the victory celebration after the forthcoming election several of our young hopefuls ensure that they leave a bit of white stuff up their noses for the cameras as a way of setting their mark for a time when I graciously step down

Its the truth dear friends, not a joke
If you want to get on, take coke
Heroin or crack?
They'll vote you back
Just never get caught with a smoke

Yet another of one of my predecessor's pals discovered with his hands in the cookie jar

I floated the old 'But he made the Mint profitable' line, one I'm planning on using with variation in the next election campaign but not sure it was entirely successful

It wasn't the overall sum
That proves that Dingwall was dumb
No. What was worse
He raided the purse
For a $1.29 pack of gum

One good thing is that we finally get rid of Clarkson. With any luck she'll revisit her beloved Far North and fall down an ice hole. Although I rather doubt if she wants to brave the weather. Seems like now I refused to grant her request to become GG for life a spot of rain is an excuse to take it easy

Just in case you didnt get the subtext of my farewell speech to her, here it is

The spendthrift GG's got some front
So for once I'm going to be blunt
So Proud and vain
Met all with disdain
Now sod off you miserable cunt

I had planned to tour The Big Easy
But dead bodies make me feel queasy
Admit that? No Way!
So I think I will say
After Oprah and Bill t'would look cheesy

They want me to talk to Bush - like that would get me a long way. I'm sure the ensuing increase in housing costs is really impacting his finances

Of course I'm mouthing all the nice platitudes

but the only talking I'll be doing with Dubya is apologising for the rhetoric.

Oh and passing on some useful advice to my officials

They reneged on a contract you built
But do not at a stronger knight tilt
Go down on your knees
Say 'Hurry up please'
And it helps if you're wearing a kilt

Presumably trying to impress me, a character trait I always enjoy in a woman, she mistakenly intended to release her statement in that style.

No doubt intending to treat lightly what is after all a storm in a teacup she did not appreciate that verity is not a virtue in politics
Just take a gander at her draft before the PMO got to it

Though not known as a country wrecker
'Twould come easy to any fact checker
That if push came to shove
The land that I love
Aint Canada. I'm a Quebecker

Still gives me a chance to educate her a little in Politics 1on1

May I please present, Germant Grewal
Did the tories know he'd betray all?
Cash please. No receipt
Was not too discreet
His comeuppance? "What will you pay, Paul"

So JC let me get this straight
In the proceedings it now is too late
But it's also too early
A discrepancy surely
Have you lost your marbles, old mate

-------------

Pretty convenient for Bill Graham that the Americans refuse to testify at the Arar enquiry, as he was able to lump the blame on ex-Ambassador Celluci and Colin Powell.
Before they accept the ex-Upper Canada College student' view that Arar wasnt mistreated, they might also like to check out his sex-toy collection I have a feeling his definition of torture is unnaturally narrow

He had it on good authority that the women are still extremely grateful to Canadians for their liberation from the Nazi jackboot and are willing to show it in the time-honoured fashion often two at a time - hence the expression 'Double Dutch'

Anyway it turns out his information was half right-half wrong

The good news. The women are as open to offering sex as they were in 1945
The bad news. It's the same women proffering their wares. Eighty years old if they're a day

The Dutch girls are willing, no wonder
The Canucks tore the Nazis asunder
My dear old Pop
Went over the top
But I get to go 'Down Under'

Well at least i would have done if Sheila hadn't insisted on coming

Not sure Tim's ( Tim Murphy, PM's Chief of Staff. Ed. ) email to our MP's had the response he was hoping for

The latest opinion poll chills
Time for Tim to impress with his skills
But it made us sound manic
When he said "Don't panic"
The reaction? "Let's head for the hills"

He obviously never watched Dad's Army