Meanwhile, his fellow Canuck - the amazingly named for a Christian, Harmet Sooden - was already selling his soul by giving an exclusive interview to that media powerhouse, TV New Zealand

The big surprise - at least to the cream of Canadian's investigative journalists - is that Loney is gay.
You would think that his fellow captive's name would be a giveaway but obviously the hacks whiled the days away waiting for a story by playing soduku rather than passing the time on anagrams (Harmeet Sooden - Need a rest homo; geddit)

Apparantly there was a feeling from his loved ones that letting out his sexual orientation might have caused the terrorists his Christian organization supports to treat him like the well, stone age heathens they apparantly are

Anyways, prior to Looney announcing his anticipated candidature for leadership of the Liberal party he plans to spend some time with his family viz lover Dan

I would be surprised if his 'need (for) some time to get reacquainted with my partner Dan', doesn't involve masked hoods, bodage and torture

You know what these evangelicals are like

Sorry about the hiatus but as you may know I have been assuidiously discharging my duties as a constituency MP by (ahem) taking a vacation in California

Luckily, this prior arrangement allowed me to miss the bash Sheila Copps event (shouldnt that be Sheila Copps bash event Ed.) at which the nobodies of the party have their one flirtation with the notion that they may be somebody by seeking out nomination to be party leader.

Of course, the heavyweights, Mckenna, Tobin, Manley and, I believe, Rock all want to 'spend more time with my family' a euphemism for 'I want to spend more time coining it in private business - you didn't think I went into public service to serve the public, did you?!'. No doubt if they were assured of victory their egos and lust for power would cause a rapid volte-face (that's about turn for you , Brian). After all it is as logically certain as that night follows day that heading the party guarantees a stint as PM. But it looks like the party are going to go outside the loyalists remembering with rose-coloured spectacles the days when the Pearsons and Trudeaus were plucked from the outer circle
So it's those who have only a fleeting affiliation, if any, with the Liberal party e.g the Brison, Sronach, Ignatieff and Rae's of this world who will be fighting it out by the end of this year.
Mark my words

What's news there? No doubt hundreds of Asians and Latinos suffer the same fate annually but these were Portugese. A bit more like us

Anyways these lawbreakers got the full sympathy treatment about how they were finagled out of money by evil consultants suggesting they apply on refugee grounds

Hello! This is Portugese coming to Canada not vice versa. Unless their slow boat from Lisbon left before fascist Salazar died in 1970, Portugal's temperate climate, the land of sardines and sweet wine, is a go-to place

Our immigration ministry might help with a 'No Portugese' notice but I suspect 90% of their cases and hence trheir employment are built round no-hope cases

As a sidenote, I remember visiting post-war England and seeing signs in guest houses for 'No Blacks'. Rumour has it that the three year old Conrad Black saw the same on a trip to London. Even at that age he was amazingly self absorbed and did not realise it referred to our coloured brethren. This fuelled a srong desire to be accepted by the Brits, and a hang-the-consequences business ethic culminating in both a peerage and criminal charges.

Expect him to produce the race card at his forthcoming trial

No, I mean it has been several hours since their release (without any obvious assitance by Canadian troops) and there has been no statement from our wonderful new Tory government

Trouble tracking down where Peter Mackay's sleeping I guess. Tee-hee

Get onto it newshounds

Looks like we have hit the first proverbial rut in the road with the execution of a shopkeeper when the rickshaw he was travelling in refused to stop at a checkpoint.

His family claimed that there was no warning but I have little doubt that our boys are telling the truth. Rickshaws are notoriously hard to flag down in Kandahar and I expect he told the driver to continue thinking that if they stopped he would be hauled out by another prospective fare

No of much greater concern is that apparantly he was hit by one of five shots fired from a distance of one metre! All the others missed the deceased and other occupants of the vehicle

Back to the firing range squaddies. I expect a better performance next time

'The Sunnis and shiites should stop fighting so that we can leave
George W Bush 15 Mar 2006

'The Sunnis and Shiites should stop fighting and get the Americans to leave'
Saddam Hussein 15 Mar 2006

I predict that the non stop barrage of photos of Harper and the boys will come back to haunt him

It's not as though it's even his war or, for that matter, mine. You wouldn't have caught me out there other than for a stopover from sunnier climes (what is there to do in downtown Kandahar for nightlife after all. I hear there is not a Tim Hortons in the place)

It was merely an expedient way of avoiding Iraq without incurring the full wrath of the US administration. In hindsight, another error by my predecessor. In that soon to be realized civil war of a country we would have been a small cog that could easily have withdrawn from Bush's Folly. In Afganistan, we're front and centre 'supported' back home by a public keen to pull out at the first casualties incurred by a joyriding squaddy and a mad axeman.

We are stuck in the officially named 'The Islamic Republic of Afghanistan', a landlocked country bordered by China, India, Paki- and various assorted other -istans where the opium trade conservatively accounts for a third of GDP. About as far away physically, politically and culturally from our own land

Stephen you're welcome to it. I'd book the same week for several years ahead. You or your successor are going to need to rally the troops indefinitely

I am, of course, referring to the inaugural world baseball classic
After near humiliation by a South African team whose outfielders' routes would have been out of place on a high school team, Corey Koskie did for Canada what he could never do in Canada when with the Blue jays i.e. hit a three run homer. We hang on to beat a US team that took us far too lightly causing interest in tthe competition to rise a hundredfold (yep 200 people watched the match).

Then after having already had in place a strategy to get through to the next round ie having our best(sic) starting pitcher face the beaners our knuckle-headed manger Ernie Whitt(less) failed to adapt once circumstances had changed All we had to do was agree with Mexico that they could win a low scoring game and we were both through.

You don't think the representatives of that country would be 'open to persuasion'? After all who would they rather be facing further down the line - us or the US. Come on

But oh no. He relied on his players and it was basically over after one inning

It's not as though the victory over the US of A is looking thatimpressive. They have subsequently lost to Korea and only defeated Japan thanks to a gross error by an American umpire (whats he doing in a game his country is playing in?) deemed not good enough for the major leagues

Oh well back to the Curling

..out of my life forever

I was tipped off that last sunday's episode of the 'West Wing' was going to have a section where the Democrat candidate, Santos, gets a big boost in the polls due to the backing of a certain former Canadian Prime Minister (no names, no pack drill but I can't see any of the other five options fitting the bill)

Then bugger me, in a last minute script alteration, Santos's aides are creaming themselves about meeting BONO! Will no one rid me of this man? It wouldnt surprise me if the series ends with a tied Presidential race and the two candidates agreeing that the aging rocker should take the reins by acclamation

A hideous ending but no worse, I suppose, than the real thing

A few weeks ago his death have been headline news and I would be preparing a tribute for his memorial service.

Now nothing ( OK pray tell. Ed)

I am, of course, referring to the shocking demise of my old friend and cabinet colleague, Irwin Cotler ( Are you sure? Ed)

Clearly Canadians forget their own too swiftly. No doubt he was shunned bu his legal peers after all the ignominous apologies for our policies. His torturous legal arguments fooled no-one but good trooper that he was he did his bit for the party, if not the country. I didn't think he had it in him to sell his soul to keep us in power but he did. Of course when we got turfed he had neither position nor integrity. His last days must have been very sad ( Nothing about this on Google News yet. Ed.)

In fact, I only came across the news that he had passed away from an obituary in the Independent ( Hang on while I check this out. Ed)

The Brits still take a sniffy Colonial attitude, I'm sorry to say. His sterling work as Minister of Justice is covered by the phrase "..from the mid 1990's on he was largely retired..". I know the position was hardly onerous but even so.. ( I think you've got the wrong guy Ed)

Apparantly, the old rogue led a double life. He was clearly a man of great energy, belying the fact that he was over 80. He commuted to Ottawa from a small North London flat and was partial to wearing pink flamingo shirts and straw suits. I'm surprised he maintained tenure at McGill University for so long ( This is Ivor Cutler NOT Irwin Cotler Ed)

And to top it all he went by the nickname, Buster Bloodvessel, which I suppose was appropriate in the end. It's amazing what some people conceal from even their closest colleagues! ( I give up Ed)

Bit late to this one but as the Afghan invasion continues with us at the helm of operations and the forefront of casualties has anyone noticed that our great multi-cultural country is represented in the field exclusively by soldiers of a lilywhite complexion that reminds one of Oak Bay, Victoria circa 1950

Mind you after World War II, I can understand the reluctance of any citizens of Asian descent signing up. After their grandparents incarceration they are probably a bit wary of 'family fire'

Sorry about the delay in postings. I've been a bit under the weather Still it gave me a chance to visit one of our great Canadian icons - and launching pad for aspiring Governor Generals - the CBC

Oh Dear

I try and listen to the Toronto Morning Show when Andy Barrie is off. In Britain, the BBC has an equivalent show full of top politicians duelling with hard-nosed interviews about things that matter to their country and the world. The high-point of today's programme over here was a twee discussion about an upcoming workshop on transgendering for Seniors.
Yikes

Still even that pales compared with the catastrophe that is the TV's 'At The Hotel', Ken Finkelman's latest CBC project. KF seems to have some Rasputin-like hold at the CBC court. The first season of 'The Newsroom' was amusing, albeit derivative, but that was a decade ago. It has been a precipitous decline ever since; hitting rock bottom with this six part series whose lavish budget reputedly meant cancellation (or merciful eradication whichever way you look at it) of 'Da Vincis Code' and 'This is Wonderland'

It's unclear what hold the Atom Egoyan of the small screen has over Rabinovich's crew and the public purse. One might surmise that it was lingering respect for his successful spell down south; but his credits there amount to eminently forgettable sequels. Grease 2, anyone?

The CBC will be in trouble if ever Harper inadvertently happens on the show whilst surfing for Fox news. He might have the answer to the question that Finkelman poses

Is the CBC in the game of making money or is it in the business of making things that are of cultural value?

With 'At the Hotel' it is clearly neither and may just hasten the demise of Canada's Auntie

He's in the clink

Disgraced rock star, Gary Glitter
Gives tips on how not to be bitter
"Get a Vietnamese
Spread her legs at the knees
Then see if your schlong will fit her"

Probably not many of the puckheads that drunkenly hum along to the hockey anthem Rock And Roll Part 2, realise that it is performed by serial pedophile, Paul Gadd aka Gary Glitter.

Not a lot of people know that my youngest was conceived to the sound of

I love you love you love me too love I love you love me love; I love you love my only true love I love you love me love.

Not sure his defence that he was only teaching the 10 year old Vietnamese girls English is going to wash. Someone should point out that 'penis' and 'vagina' are actually Latin words

Well the blonde-bimbos from Thunder Bay have finally come forward with their side of the story in the Ianiero killings and the Mexican authorities have asked the RCMP to get involved

Off the top of my head, these are a few questions they can ask of the twosome

1. If they were so worried about being seperated from their children, why did they take off without them for a week of sun, sex and slaughter
2. Where are the fathers of their kids
3. What were they doing sharing a room. Did they go for the king-size bed option
4. How come they are still students in their mid-thirties and in all that time have apparantly compiled one term of part-time payed employment in palliative care
5. How could they afford to stay at the Barcelo Maya Beach, a 5 Star - Deluxe All-Inclusive Resort
6. Why did they apparantly book in under assumed names
7. Why have they taken a week to come forward with their story
8. Did they watch a recent episode of CSI which featured a corrupt and ineffective Mexican Police Force
9. Just supposing they were partying heavily on their last day in the resort, how would they react if two respectable Roman Catholics from along the corridor had chastised them for their behaviour and morals

As PM I had little time to read other than the occasional piece of majestic investigative journalism, or unintentional humour, but the recent controversy about the da Vinci code, led me to read Dan Brown's best-seller

What interests me most is not the plagiarism aspect but the central contention of the book that Jesus and Mary Magdalene did the dirty, a child resulted and a yet-undiscovered lineage ensued

Why not, after all. Jesus was a man of thirty in the days when 'warming up the altar boy's dinner' was frowned on. Quite likely he had a whore now and again to releave the tension

Then the thought struck me that I might be a descendant. Although I come from good Roman Catholic stock, there might have been some Jewish forbears. After all there are interesting parallels

• I have a natural tendency to save money, hence my success at Finance
• My name is Paul, just like the founder of Christianity
• Without being aware of the fact, I heavily invested in Jewry for my cabinet
• I was the saviour of the Liberal Party from the clutches of my predecessor but was martyred by an ungrateful public
• I instintively did not give up the Party leadership - perhaps in the hope of an early Second Coming

I asked Sheila if I was circumcised. She could not recall, but the last time 'I saw a man about a dog' I checked it out and, sure enough, I have 'bald-headed giggle stick'

Hardly conclusive, but enough for me to delve into my family history a bit more closely. Any help much appreciated

I cannot say this scandal has drawn me in much over the past decade. Our summer vacations never include slumming it with the sort of people who can only afford a camping vacation.

Indeed the only aspect that interested me was the patronising attitude shown to the injured injun by referring to him as Dudley George. Dudley George what? Doesn't he have a surname or is it something like "flowering eternal blossom' and we're too PC to mention it?

Anyways the guy who shot him, Officer Kenneth Deane, died yesterday in a car crash as he was 'attempting to steer around vehicles', with an 'unidentified passenger'. Probably need another Rouyal commission to get to the bottom of that.

Still divine retribution. If I was Mike Harris, I'd get my ears waxed before the golf season starts. He won't want to miss hearong 'Fore' as a golf ball hurtles towards his head at 100mph

This is the proud headline in Today's Toronto Star

The paper points out that we have currently won more womens medals than any other country including Germany and Russia. Of course even one bronze would have topped those won by genuine Russian or German women back in the 1970's but that's a different story

Cindy Klassen accounts for a remarkable four but nice girl that she is, there is no gainsaying the fact that they practically give away a speed skating medal with every jumbo pack of Cheerios

And the women's victory in the hockey was only gained on the back of enormous funding enabling the team to train together for most of the past year

The corollary of the women's success - which the Star seems to be reluctant to face - is the men's failure. The five they have picked up to date means we rank with behomeths of the ice world like South Korea! And it's not as though it was the elite events in which our men have come through. The dubious new judging system favoured Buttle enough to gain him a bronze in the men's figure skating but otherwise it was team pursuit; bobsleigh; and two in the skeleton (whatever that is)

All would have been saved if we had won the men's hockey but our ignominious defeat in the quarter-finals means these Olympics will be regarded as a failure. Our team managed to score less than Tony Valeri in a nunnery. It is not even as if we are being shown up by countries with a bigger population like the USA, or the old Soviet Red Army machine. Nope Finland, population 5 million is creaming us

Roll on Vancouver

As Iraq lurches towards civil war - something that will take the eye off the mounting US death toll - it is good to see that Tony Blair can still rely on his speechwriters to come up with a bon mot. He condemned the mosque bombing as

I'm betting he's hoping that in the next destruction of a shrine they find some human excreta so that he can swiftly amend the above to

Anything to deflect the constant barrage of criticism he gets for supporting Dubya come hell or high water.

One theory for this perverse attitude is that in their cranky born-again vaguely masonic way, Bush is some sort of Supreme Being to which Blair is obliged to abase himself

I don't buy that. The more likely reason that he's the White House's poodle is that he was caught with the White House poodle. And there are incriminating photos to prove it

However, as you will no doubt have guessed, all Canadians are more transfixed by the conflict between the pro and anti Wayne Gretzky camps following our boy's wuppin at the hands of the Russians

To be honest skating has no intrinsic interest for me. I'm more of a follow-the-salt-wagons guy who unless being propped up for the papparazzi relies on double blades to navigate frozen water

However, its good to see other greats tossed out before their time. Pat Quinn is back to his day job of ensuring that the Toronto Maple Leafs fail to make the playoffs; and Wayne can now cozy up with the rest of the family in front of the computer screen to watch Mummy drop another $100,000 at the click of the 'Enter' key

I'm assuming Gretzky has picked up some acting tips from his small-town actress wife so now that he has at last suffered a bit of pain he might be able to play the (slightly) younger me in my upcoming biopic.

I might call round, possibly when he's out with the kids. I see she posed for Playboy and was heavily pregnant when they married. Perhaps she has some other addictions

I see the film award season is now in full swing (does it ever stop) and it's a good way of maintaining popularity for what are a generally speaking coke-snorting, wife-beating, sexually promiscuous bunch of ne'er-do-wells

So I'm writing off to Kofi Ann An suggesting we do something similar for politicians. Have Premier of the year (Sharon would get a good sympathy vote), Most Promising Newcomer (Harper wouldn't even make the short-list) and Lifetime Award (Thatcher before she pegs it)

Of course, I would have picked up several best-supporting awards during the 90's. It would have been all the more satisfying as my predecessor would have left home empty-handed year after year

Anyways, I saw the Oscar favourite, BrokeBack Mountain the other day. Nice scenery but the storyline didn't gel. It was about a couple of typically-married cowboys who met up for a fishing trip once a year. They played the strong silent types but then got incongrously over-affectionate on their annual trysts. Seemed a bit queer

Also one of them dies near the end. His wife clearly states that it was an accident whilst fixing a tyre but then the visuals show him being attacked and killed for no apparant reason. An alternative scene that should have been spotted before it went on general release

No Oscar for editing - that's for sure

I suppose there is a superficial likeness...

...but it's hard to believe that VP Dick Cheney, the only man living who can see Weapons of Mass Destruction at a distance 10,000 miles, was unable to detect the difference between his old buddy, 78 year old lawyer, Harry Whittington, and 'Coturnix coturnix', otherwise known as the Common Quail

No. I'm with the conspiracy theorists on this one. The two of them were out with a couple of middle- age broads at some drunken orgy. Dick was miffed that the older man was getting all the well.. dick and took him out in a fit of jealousy

Now worried he will talk they have locked HW away in a 'hospital' run by some Neo-Christians and induced a heart attack. No press allowed in to see the patient, of course, although apparantly he's fit enough to have restarted working

I'm predicting that sometime down the road we'll get a bulletin reporting a relapse and subsequent demise. Naturally this will be totally unrelated to the shooting incident and not unexpected in a man nearing 80

In the unlikely event that the VP should venture North, the one on the left is the brown-breasted Martin

The area I'm interested in is appellation profiling. The more I reflect on the election the more I see that S Harper had the best name. The electorate thought that meant he would be clever and adroit when in fact he represents the meaning "artful, bent, crafty, cunning, deceitful, designing, feather legs, ornery, salty, shady, shrewd, slick, slippery, sly, smart, snake, two-faced, underhand, unethical, unscrupulous, wil" as they are now discovering.

In contrast Duceppe conjures up being duped, and Layton would be late-on reacting - not what you want from a PM. I, of course have a neutral name - good for second place only. It is only in hindsight we can tell what would work for instance my predecessor got the sympathy vote not just for his lack of looks but also his idiot surname

The same theory could apply to country names. One of the most reviled countries, Haiti, is currently in the news for more bad reasons. Our GG hardly did much for her homeland by escaping at the first opportunity but with its low cost of living and beautiful climate and beaches it has much going for it

So why does it fail. Simply the name. Change it to Lovey and you'ld have West End and Broadway stars flocking there followed by papparazi, gawkers etc.. All of a sudden the Bahamas would be old news

Just a thought

To be honest, I used to find sports a bore. Apart from the obligatory nod to hockey and my early coup of meeting the provincial premiers at a Grey Cup encounter, I find its level of chance too great. I prefer the control of politics

But watching yet another of our Olympic hopefuls wipeout, I see an association between both decaying institutions. Amateur sportsmen/women are like most aspiring politicians. Unable to compete at the highest level (the former in professional sports, the latter in business, law or banking), they live off the state hoping for fame and the ability to turn whatever success they achieve into a sinecure. Not too worried about how it is achieved either, whether via white powders or brown envelopes.

There is also the commonality of a four year cycle, or thereabouts, of Games and Elections

And both sets continually disappoint. The proud boast of 25 trips to the podium is looking out of reach, unless they count all memners of the women's hockey team, and I can already see the plea for extra funding so that we don't revisit Montreal ( Only time the host nation did not win a single gold. Ed. ) when the games are held in Vancouver four years hence.

Of course, it is far too late to pour money in now but hey, that's your problem, Stephen

You know I haven't had an opportunity to view the cartoon. None of our namby-pamby press would print it and a craven Peter Mackay's first action as Forein Minister was to kow-tow to Muhammed's supporters.

Why not view it online, you say?
Uh-huh. Like I'd fall for that one

If the RCMP scupper your re-election they are more than capable of seizing your computer to check up on any 'harmless hobbies' I might have. Then the old baksheesh routine comes in and they spill the beans that the cartoon is on my hard drive

Rseult? Attack on now bodyguard-nuetered Moi by some jihadist fanatic

You think I'm over-reacting? Look at it this way To most Western men sex is the most important thing and yet at my age we do the dirty SA less than five times a WEEK on average

Muslims pray five times a DAY. It's clear where their priorities lie

Unfortunately, I now have too much time on my hands so after the pleasure obtained from the thought that Emerson's harassed children are turning against him and that Mulroney will be wishing he pegged it last year I turned on the TV to find that my bete-noire had stolen my 'thanks to dad' line as U2 swept the Grammys

I'm sure it's only a matter of time - before the call comes

A week or so ago I would have been apoplectic with rage, fulminating about the abuse of democracy and the gall of his immediate reneging on election promises. But now I'm totally sanguine about Harper's cabinet manouveres

In fact I had to smile when he allowed the TV cameras in to the beginning of his caucus meeting at which he brazenly stated that every one had an equal voice. Shades of Animal Farm - The Digest version

And Fortier had this priceless quote

Exactly. Why expend the energy when you have a cabinet post in the offing anyways. And at Public Works at that, the biggest trough of all. Well his five children won't be going hungry I'm guaranteeing you

If I had realised Harper would move at this speed to take the brightest and best I would have pushed him a bit harder at our handover meeting. After all I still have seat for sale.

My preference is for Indian Affairs and I gave him a pretty blatant hint at my farewell speech when I mentioned how proud I was of the accord with the First Nations - you know that one where we agreed to come up with some deadlines over the next decade. After all I couldn't do any worse than that waste of space Andy Scott. The summers up North (all six days of them) are quite pleasant and I'd enjoy getting away from Sheila for a few bevys and a spot of country-wifing

He gave the position to Jim Prentice who harbours leadership hopes himself so I feel he will be for the push ere long

Sorry got to go. Sheila is sending me off for my constitutional. Better take the cell phone. Just in case

A. Right where he's always been - on the Front Bench!

Er That's Waldo as in Ralph Waldo EMERSON . geddit (Please note former editor and proof reader, Scott Reid, is no longer working for this publication. so the writer's tortured attempts at wit may unfortunately occasionally slip through. PM)

Anyways, yesterday's cabinet announcement was quite a doozy. After going on and on about what a different vision of Canada I had from Harper it turns out it was basically the same

SCREW DEMOCRACY

His high-mindedness lasted precisely one nanosecond of power before he played not only the 'Unelected Senator/Best Buddy' but also the 'Turncoat/Serve My Country' card

If I had realised last year that he had the ethics of a skunk I would have got him (rather than Daddy's Girl) to switch sides . A promise of first refusal after my abdication would clearly have got him to cross the floor. Then, in the debates, I would only have been up against Peter Mackay - a man who apparantly prefers dogs to women

I mean blogging not power

Word is that Monte Solberg may miss out on a plum Cabinet post because he was so busy blogging that the Conservatives Finacial platform was out days late and even then they did not have the numbers right

Well I'm glad to be out of it frankly - particularly the Phwagh! Cabinet - well just you try spending hours on end with Murphy, Duffy and co as the latest sweat-inducing polls come in.

Just in case you are concerned about their future prospects - after all it's quite an achievement to lose power with me at the helm - worry not. I hear Tim Murphy is to be a 'security consultant' with the Pangloss Institute whilst Scott Reid has been approached to be spokesmen for both Molson and Pop Weaver.

As for me? Well my little 'joke' about calling an election 30 days after Gomery II fell flat. I was kind of hoping the hacks would spontaneously break into a call of 'Four More Years' and I could execute a Putsch. But it was not to be. So I have fallen back on the UN Sec Gens job. I'll start by following up my work at a UN commission on increasing private investment in the Third World and use it to make contacts and set a powerbase for when Kofi AnAn leaves

When I rule the world
Every day will be the first day of spring
dum-di-dah.. dum-di-dee...

Biggest gut-check
When I stated that the result didn't matter as I was going to call an election 30 days after the second Gomery report came out anyways. There was a collective hush amongst my advisors before they all trooped out silently

Biggest regret
I didn't extend the 'guns in our cities' ad.
The Tories didnt get one seat in Montreal, Toronto or Vancouver
Coincidence? I think not.
We should have gone with "Soldiers with Guns. In our cities. In our towns. And in our villages"
Cost us the election in my view

Proudest moment
That we got 100 seats - more than 50 times what the Tories got after their comeuppance. This in spite of the fact that my predecessor landed me in this mess, his acolytes did their best to bring me down and that I had a bunch of clowns working for me
I have clearly laid a bedrock of support from which we should have no trouble winning next time out

Biggest laugh
That Belinda Stronach and Michael Ignatieff would rather be in a Ukranian prison than stuck on the opposition benches. Their tilts at the leadership will founder as the Liberals do not want a 'Born to Rule' leader thrust upon them

Next project
Well I will be pursuing my plans to become Pope and/or UN leader
Also putting the finishing touches to my book "Paul Martin - My Part in his Downfall'

Let's face it it this hasn't been a fair contest.
People apparantly basing their decision on our past record; an unbiased media; a muted reaction from the Canadain Parapalegic Association to the Tories' 'Stand up for Canada' slogan - the least they could have done is take this discrimination to the Supreme Court - have all conspired against us

And what are we doing - asking you to vote in the depths of winter? Many of you in rural areas having to drive kilometres as gas prices hover around the $1 per litre and then making you queue whilst numbskulls, who think that being volunteers gives them the right to be inefficient, can't find your name on the register
Some of you have to take some of your precious vacation to vote - How does that help your family?
Others get given time off work to vote - How does that help the economy?

One undistinguished blagger calls us fascists(CP), crooks(LIB), commies(NDP) and traitors(BQ)- he forgot the Lonnies (Green) - and there is no uproar about lack of respect for politicians

And what of the leaders?
Painted as a typical hockey dad, Harper's only (sur)real world experience was as leader of the shady organization the National Citizens coalition a name purloined from a Zambian political party, of all places
Layton and his faithful companion have lived off Toronto's taxpayers for more than a decade
As for Duceppe,the closest he has got to getting is hands dirty was wearing a shower cap in a cheese factory

Et moi? Well I have had a great career generationg massive profits but admit that precious little of them found their way to Revenue Canada

So we're a bunch of shysters - but surely the principle is still valid?
Nah. Don't believe all that baloney about your forefathers fighting for democracy That would be your forefathers that believed in slavery and would have strung up from the nearest tree anyone who remotely ssuggested same-sex marriage

And as for that canard that if you vote you cannot complain
You have one measly vote, for Chrissake. Not one riding in Canadian federal election history has been decided by one vote - and its not going to start happening now, I'm tellin' you. Voting is just the crack for the masses. It keeps you thinking you have some control of a country in fact run by a small elite

So I have a simple plea - Don't Vote.

Sit back and have a laugh this evening as CBC et al try and explain why riding after ridng has zero votes. By abstaining you will help make Canada become world news for the first time since seal culling was the story of the day

Scott, off the record, you are sure about the Elections Act, right. If no-one votes the incumbent keeps his/her job and we're back for four more years

Luckily we signed up this gas guzzler for air miles - now you know why sheila comes with me. I could do with some as the Witchfinder-General got a bit snippy when I applied for them after the South East Asia tsunami trip
I've hadn't realised there were so many parts of the country I never want to see again.

I got told Harper had never travelled outside of North America. What a Little.. er.. Albertaner. Obviously a man of no culture (in contrast,I saw Mamma Mia in London's West End !) or wealth, either of which should automatically disbar him from leadership of the country

The Tories later put out a press release that he had actually been to Europe, several times on my trips. Looking back, I suppose he must have been that guy who sat in the corner sticking pins into Martin Luther King bobbleheads. Bit difficult to tell with one of those white pointy hoods over his head, though

First the bad news

From my local optometrist

" Recent pronouncements have concerned us about your vision have been compounded by your recent advertisement in which you appeared to have difficulty locating the camera We would advise you that at you age you should have annual checkups
This is not an emergency so I suggest we arrange an appointment at a time when you have nothing more pressing to attend to
How does January 24th sound? "

and NACA (no relation to NASA)

" We have recently seen you on television and your bellicose nature and hand-whirling suggest you are an energetic person for your advanced years I wonder if you would be prepared to act as a volunteer to the National Advisory Council on Aging before what appears to be early-onset Alzheimers (viz. forgoten prior positions on Itaq, same-sex etc.) takes full hold as we will clearly be challenged by the incoming Conservative administration

As you will note from the website we are a moribund association which has not achieved anything of note for the past five years so you would swiftly feel at home amongst us"

BUT

" Following your tip off, we are pleased to say we have found several copies of a hidden agenda on and within the person of the Leader of the Opposition You will no doubt also be delighted to know that we will also be bringing criminal charges against him as the evidence suggests he stole Liberal party headed notepapaer on which to type up the secret policies"

Well I never saw that buzz-saw coming

It would have been more appropriate if we'd met in a hardware store rather than a coffee shop Then maybe I could have covered Hargrove with some of that duct tape used on Ralph Klein Two Questions

• Why did I take anyone calling himself Buzz seriously
• Doesn't he have a real job to go to

British security agents have thwarted an attempt to kidnap Tony Blairs five-year-old son, Leo. Think of the sympathy vote that would have engendered. And I'm sure a million or so for the ransom could easily have been hidden in the $2billion gun registry budget

But oh no. My namby-pamby sons never think of the greater good

The tide is turning. Check out the latest poll

• Liberals 47%
• NDP 25%
• Greens 17%
• Conservatives 2%
• Not Voting 9%

Although I appreciate that the sample population may not fully reflect the national electorate, I am heartened by the result. After all if those most closely aware of our corruption and incompetence still back us we should have no trouble fooling the clueless plebs

BUT..
to be on the safe side I have decided we ought to take a leaf out our opponents' book.
Layton wants to borrow your vote, Harper wants to buy it so why shouldnt we steal it - in the nicest possible way of course

In the 2004 election, turnout was around 64% and is predicted to be even lower this time around. What sort of people are the stay-at-homes?

Change is in the air, being trumpeted by both the Tories and Dippers, so those staying at home consist of the apathetic, crippled, scared of cold weather, oblivious, high on drugs/alcohol or so uneducated they cannot tell Jan 23rd from a hill of beans.

In other words, Our natural constituency! And what's the point of protecting all these minoritiies and doling out our largesse to them if they dont actually reciprocate by voting for us.
Hey it's only an 'x'. You can be illiterate and still determine the country's future

Even with the freefall in the polls the 35% this group represents ought to see us to the 40% mark - enough for an overall majority!

So how is this to be achieved? Well here's something I never thought I would hear myself saying. We could learn something from the Aussies

Compulsory voting

I'll check with my constitutional lawyers to see if there is any chance we could have an emergency recall of parliament to get this on the books before D-day

When this tale started a month ago with me stating how much I enjoyed campaigning, I would not have predicted the current sorry state. If you had told me that, at the CBC, news of the election would usurped by stories of a couple of Canadian soldiers in a German hosptal fortunately, not the case

The aforementioned patients are two of the victims of a kamikaze attack in Afghanistan. A spokesman Maj. Nick Withers stated

Gee thanks for that. Obviously a proponent of two-tier medicine over here and probably part of the coup d'etat apparantly planned by the Conservatives (you did you see that ad, didn't you).

The patients have been put into a medically-induced coma a la Sharon. Obviously the procedure de jour and one which I wouldnt mind volunteering for tout de suite, I'm tellin ya.

Re Afghanistan: I have never had one person raise with me the merit of Canada's involvement. Says more about Canadians' awareness than any support for the operation

That's gonna change in a hurry - the Yanks are pulling out so you know worse is to come - but it is looking like it may not be my problem. Worst news is that I can't even make it a wedge issue. Harper supports the involvement but ex-Upper Canada College Defence Minister, Bill Graham only recently upped our commitment to 2,200 troops.

I guess that's 2118 now

The final week and we roll out our latest line (courtesy of my contemporary, Bob Dylan)

"Please think twice. Dont vote right"

Not sure that's going to get the 20% or whatever we need to ensure a majority, though.

What we really need is a cataclysmic situation so that the country rallies behind its 'One Leader'. I had hoped that Avian Flu would do the trick. But apparantly Canada rates at the bottom end of the susceptability league due to our low density of population and excellent containment facilities set up after the SARS crisis. So I had to scupper our plans to smuggle in a few sweaty Turks and start a panic

The public is more concerned about environmental catastrophe which would fit in with our Kyoto "rhetoric before deeds" platform. Still nothing good (like a tsunami off Vancouver) is likely to happen in the next seven days

I can, however, take some comfort in the fact that I have set a more positive legacy than my predecessor whose reckless 'so a few million went missing' attitude has landed me in the current mess.
According to esteemed environmental scientist, James Lovelock, we can all stop worrying about greenhouse gases etc. because we are already cooked meat

Apparantly

Nothing too explosive there, but sets a factually correct basis for

So now all my sucking up to the abos will pay off. Not in the short-term: the reaction of their full support for me in the forthcoming vote has the effect of turning off the other 95% of the population on the basis of 'Whenever did they make the right choice'

No, I'm looking 100 years hence when the Liberals will have a cast-iron majority. All 308 seats will be ours and the entire population will be Grit MP's

Of course, there are the dozen people who appreciate Ken Finkleman - fortuitously for him most of whom work for the CBC

So the delicious irony relating to the two planks that I am promoting as the major reasons for voting Liberal rather than Tory is probably wasted on my countryfolk.
viz.

a)Harper's decision not to honour the Kyoto protocol in word - when we have patently failed to do it in deed. I even managed to keep a straight face saying

lets hope I have the last laugh

It is a commonly-held fallacy that headlines are written by a copy editor. The assumption is that with an English degree and years of journalistic experience, he/she carefully scrutinizes the text and then encapsulates the meaning with an arresting phrase

Well that's not the way it works here. We apply the country-song approach. Come up with a title and adjust the facts as necessary

But on this occasion we not only come up with the headline and fashion the story but also made the events happen

We were saving 'Beyond Hope' line for a last, desperate plea for a sympathy vote but fortunately a small problem in Abbotsford, east of Hope, BC (geddit) enabled us to bring it up a day or two earlier than planned.

One of the secrets of politics is to learn from others - but not to give them any credit. I was able to apply this maxim twice yesterday.

A couple of months ago, the NDP put forward a motion to set up a fund for families whose breadwinneers died in the line of duty. Around 50 of the Liberal caucus, including leading Cabinet members (thankfully myself excepted) voted against the suggestion. I have now embraced the notion with the creation of a Heroes Fund backdating it to include those Mounties who died in the dereliction of their duty. Hopefully, negative reaction from families whose heroes died prior to Jan 1st 2005 can be kept under wraps until after the election

On Thursday, Harper got a lot of credit for ditching a Conservative candidate who had been charged with smuggling by the RCMP. On Friday I went one better by throwing out our Abbotsford candidate who had only been accused by his NDP rival of attempted bribery

What you may well ask has happened to our

approach used in the income trust brouhaha. Especially when there is no evidence to back up the Dippers allegations and the idea of a candidate conceding an election and suggesting that his supportes switch their allegiance to an opponent in a seat the Tories are going to win anyways, completely beggars belief

Well, appearances are everything and the Dipper looks like an honest farmboy. Our ex-guy looks like a cross between Tony Valeri and the Boston Strangler, with a trailer-trash wife to boot. So I went into

Of course if it had been a winnable seat.. but hey he was 'Beyond Hope'

With reference to the campaign catch-phrase, we are changing the name of this blog at least until January 23rd.

We are also hoping that this amendment will put to bed any suggestions that the entries do not more accurately reflect the Prime Minister's true views than any public pronouncements he might make.

Thank you for your continued support. Ed.

I know its Friday the 13th but I feel this is my lucky day. The day when the tide turns fundamentally in my favour. I know the latest EKOS poll has one or two unfortunate implications viz.

• Tories just shy of majority
• Duceppe in Stornaway
• A further small swing from us to the NDP has us in fourth place in terms of seats

Jeez dopehead. The inference of 'At this point' is 'Until we get round to changing it'

BUT

Jack Layton, used a private health facility for a hernia operation. I'll have that Medicare wrap back now, thank you very much

AND

It was discovered that a Tory candidate has been charged with smuggling. This episode showed up several features that I will be hammering home

• Harper disowned him pretty smartly. What about innocent until proved guilty? Sounds like a police-state to me
• The injured party protests that he had informed the party about the charges over him. They deny it. Someone's lying. Whoever it is, they are a Tory
• How did he slip through the net? It doesn't say much for Tory administration. Just wait until they have to handle a huge administration
• Did you get his name. Derek Zeisman. More pandering to the ethnic vote. A 33 year-old nobody just illustrates that anyone with any political nous will have joined the Liberal party over the past decade. Only the dregs of society would have wasted their time signing up for a party apparantly doomed to perpetual opposition

There has been a lot of speculation recently regarding who the mole leaking our policies to the media ahead of time might be

I think the most likely culprit is Ms BS

Of course, she does not have direct access to the information but with the excitement of the battle the war room is full of testerone-filled men locked away from their loved ones for the six week duration ...
And she has a track record of playing the field. The mole with the a hole you could say. Or the 21st Century Deep Throat

One explanation for her actions is that she is really a double agent. Think about it. Why would she leave a party she helped create, her lover, and third place in the pecking order. Just to become Minister of Democratic Renewal in a government where such a notion is on the backest burner ever produced

Additionally, in hindsight, we would have done much better to have had the election back in the summer and if she hadn't crossed the floor and apparantly bailed us out that would have been the outcome. I would almost certainly be relaxing with a majority -or more robust minority - rather than deperately pulling rabbits out of the hat like that ludicrous notwithstanding notion

So it all makes sense

On the other hand, there could be a more prosaic explanation for her molish behaviour. She is desperate for us to lose big time so that she can get out of Parliament

For someone previously on $9million per annum, her $200,000 salary as a Minister must be a hardship and the thought of reverting to a backbencher's stipend and status would be the last straw natch (heh-heh. geddit) Normally a turncoat with a 700 vote margin would be swept out ignominiously but as she often complains

"It's not fair. Everyone loves me"

This evening, sir, you did it! You did it! You did it! You said that you would do it And indeed you did. This evening, sir, you did it! You did it! You did it! We know that we have said it, But-you did it and the credit For it all belongs to you!

Notwithstanding the fact that our 'notwithstanding' faux pas has gone right over the head of the average punter - would someon please tell Irwin Cotler we're not flogging that particular horse anymore - we decided to go ahead with our attack ads. And from the furor they achieved they appear to have hit the mark

Due to a shortage of money, we aren't actually going to show them on TV but have just placed them on our website so that anyone can see them gratis. All the right-wing bloggers fell into our trap by linking to them thus generating more buzz. In addition, the networks all ranc some adding to the publicity

The masterstroke was pulling one - discreetly ensuring that it got into internet circulation first. That managed to push everything else out of the headlines (including the French debate at which Duceppe clearly has the advantage).

The actual text of this 'Guns in the Cities' ad is

The clincher? "We did not make this up". It's true It was our agency that came up with that one

But what with the RCMP investigating us during an election we can now insinuate that the neo-cons are planning to bring in a police-state

There seems to be universal agreement on who came out best in the debate

Not Jack Layton
Not Gilles Duceppe
Not Stephen Harper
But none other than...
Steve Paikin, the moderator

I collared him afterwards and offered him the post of Minister of Communications - not sure if we have one of those but if so they can be safely ditched. Hopefully, at the cabinet table, he will resist his annoying habit of interrupting me just prior to my getting round to the point

The highlight of the debate was my statement about doing away with the notwithstanding clause. This not only showed my bold nature but also confirmed my continued commitment to 'The Charter' by dismantling one of its fundamental clauses

The proposal caught my fellow competitors and the scribes off guard. There was a predictable negative response from the latter as it meant they all had to go and do research on a subject other than scandals Paul Wells's comment exemplified the reaction

Hey this is every man for himself here. And we came up with the idea when I was only three points down.

Of course in this particular case his bile is due to the bitterness he feels as he has had to face up to his marginalization: replaced by arch-rival, Andrew Coyne, on the CBC pundits panel; gradually eased out at Maclean's by a motley bunch of bloggers; and quitting the CommentsPlease site because someone was rude to him

Ah diddums

Anyway if this notwithstanding idea gets through, my legacy will be confirmed as I will put even more power of Canadians lives in the hands of unelected judges - two of them already my selections. Another one is due to retire in February as well. Perhaps I should make an advance appointment. You know, just in case the unimaginable happens..

Anyone know if Harriet Miers has dual citizenship

Something strange stalks the political atmosphere

Sharon is in critical condition with all Israelis praying for recovery
VP, Dick Cheney, has been admitted to with the whole world praying for his demise

Then, taking a break from preparing for the electiondebates, I watched the west wing where\the plot was about the VP preparing for his election debates. The actor playing him subsequently dies in real life(?) a month or so ago

Definitely a portent - but of what?

I'ts a damn shame the Israeli election is not due until 28 March. Otherwise, I could ascertain how a leader struck down would fare. However, polls indicate that his party will benefit

I'm being reassured that letting Harper lead in the polls and getting the main stream media whip up a frenzy over a potentisl conservative was our strategy; but I'm not so confident it will work

I may have to fake a stroke or heart attack so that a rush of sympathy propels me to a majority

There are a couple of downsides, however.
My constant standard-bearing for a public health service would be undermined. Theres no way I'm going to mix with the great unwashed and probably undisinfected especially in a system ranked lower than Morocco's and causing 10,000 deaths per annum via medical error
Secondly, my role as a spokesperson for the South Beach diet would be at an end According to their contract, they're not too keen on frail peopl promoting their product And thats a nice little earner I would not want to give up

Still I have a few more options which I may have to give serious thought to if the debates go poorly

'Brain dead'
'Unfit to govern'

I saw the headlines and that was enough. Clearly I'm viewed as the 'dead man walking' of Candian politics ( The PM is unaware that these headlines refer to Ariel Sharon<. Ed. )

As planned, I made my suggestion to Ms Stronach but she was unwilling to play ball either literally or figuratively I'm wondering if she's been reading Paul Wells

Well cute and dashing is a better description of her than any potential rivals e.g.

• Ex-pat and former Upper Canada College pupil, Michael Ignatieff
• Dull-as-Ditchwater and anti-Royalist, John Manley
• New Brunswickian - that's enough to scupper his chances - Frank McKenna

Check in tomorrow

Unfortunately, that wouldn't be the Liberal campaign; as evidenced by the latest polling results

Looking on the bright side, they are really good for our 'Scary-Harper' strategy. The midsguided public might have been comfortable with a minority Conservative government (until it imploded) but now they are juat a couple of percentage points away from a majority. The other positive is that Tory strength in Quebec has come at the BQ's expense - just as I planned. Now their dream of a 50%+1 for seperation lies in tatters and I have SAVED THE NATION

Of course it would be remiss of me not to mention the downside. If any more of our scandals reach the public (not that there are any more to discover, of course, ahem) then we might be down to the 25% mark, at least of those bothering to vote. I wouldn't even be leader of the Opposition in those circumstances (Thank God)

Unless I land a knockout blow in next weeks debates, I'm thinking Belinda Stage II will need to be wheeled out. Her trip across the floor saved us once and I'm hoping lightning can strike twice

I'm with her at the moment so we'll have to mull it over. Should it be hints of an illicit affair We could become the Canadian version of Bill & Hillary ; Bel & 'Hell It's me!'. That would definitely go down well in Quebec where signs of life in the old dog will whet their passionate feelings.

On the other hand, it would cause a certain frostiness on the home front. Belinda was pretty harsh in her condemnations of Harper yesterday. Perhaps we could hint at something more personal. Sexual harassment anybody? Time we got the RCMP on our side for once

Many in the PMO have it running on constant loop and obviously the Tories checked it out as it got a knee-jerk reaction from Harper. He immediately promised to speed up the immigration process, which can take years, halve the $1,000 entry tax and make it easier for highly qualified professionals with foreign experience to start higher on the ladder

The Toronto Star weighed in with a piece about how we are fielding fewer ethnic candidates inthe GTA than other parties. To be honest I had always thought this was playing the immigration card. We are trying to get newcomers to have a fuilfilling life their family can be proud of. Encouraging them to become backbench cannon fodder hardly fits the bill. Well does it?

However, my crew got a bit rattled so we decided to dump the immigration tax completely and also promised to address the other issues - as we had planned to do before being forced into an election blah-blah-blah

To be honest this went against my better judgement, not only because it is one of Sheila Copps's hobby-horses. There will be one of two outcomes. Either there will be a rush of applications that will completely flood the ministry. Or Psychology 101/the Groucho rule will kick in and what is available to all will be less attractive to the elite

Whichever happens it wont change human nature. The next time Harper goes for his annual check up with his proctologist and a doctor with a third-class degree from Tripoli university reveals his probe I can predict his immediate reaction

Not In My Bum, Yasser

Count on it

Well I may be anti cherry-picking on the Charter, but not where it comes to giving Canadians what they want be it faster access to passports, replacing the Sea Kings or agriculture (did I really say that?)

They then trumpet the fact that they will only have five priorities! Pshh! What do they plan to do the rest of the week?

And their assiduous reseacrhers failed to uncover our true number one priority
RETAIN POWER AT ALL COSTS

So that makes 57 varieties. Heinz will be onto me soon to act as their spokesman

A loyal friend who had outlived his usefulness

Apparantly Harper needs to brush up on his English whilst Layton is going to spend more time walking the dog!

Mine?

My Christmas gifts to the boys did not go down very well. Turkey dinner was a very quiet affair.
Perhaps if I had pretended they had come from Santa they would be more responsive. They clearly believe kids arrive courtesy of the stork

I had hoped we could set up a Martin dynasty.

• My father - the Nearly Man
• Myself - Prime Minister
• My progeny - Emperors

Maybe they have life too easy living off the shipping company I built into a half billion dollar company. Meanwhile I take all the flak for its use of slave labour and tax-avoidance practices

I'm not sure the boys are up to it figuratively or literally. I know sperm counts are declining and men aren't what they used to be but I had a 50% success rate when doing the dirty deed

Perhaps its time I got a bit more pro-active, if you know what I mean. Drop in on an appropriate occasion with a "Move over son this is a man's job"
With the daughters-in-law I could rehash Lyndon Johnson's line
"It's ok darling I'm your Prime Minister"

At the halfway stage it is time to take stock of the campaign to date

On the one hand, you have all published your platforms to almost total disregard (although Stephen your proposale's will put us in defecit faster than 'Condo Lisa dropped her drawers in the 70's). On the other, we have had nothing of value to say (although the focus group results on what we should be doing are due in the next week)

On the one hand, you have all run campaigns noted for their restraint and high mindedness and professionalisnm. On the other, what with 'beer and popcorn', 'olivia chow-chow' and incometrustgate we have completely screwed up.

And yet the polls stay resolutely unchanged.
Bottom-line. You can't win

However, I do accept that even our supine electorate are incapable of returning a Liberal majority government. Therefore, before we start getting really nasty -and what do you think 'Scott the Rot' (Scott Reid, affectionally known as the rotweiller Ed.) has been working on to get back in my good books - and taint our democracy to an even greater extent, let me make a proposal which will both save us all from more rounds of glad-handing people we have no respect for and the public voting on the bleakest day of the year

The most recent UBC election stock market has the following standings
Other 1
Dippers 23
Separtists 58
Rednecks 106
Good Guys 120

I propose that we just accept that result (we can all make a killing by betting on these figures)
You will all increrase your caucuses, thus keeping your jobs and commensurate salary/celebrity without having the unenviable task of actually running the country You will also be able to select which 23/58/106 or whatever candidates you wish to sit on the benches, thus getting rid of any troublemakers who would have surfaced had we followed the tradition of actually holding the vote

Sounds good to me
so please RSVP ASAP

Yours most sincerely,
PM the er..um.. PM

I always thought his nickname was because he was a bit of a lap-dog, but it seems as though he's a bit rough round the edges where integrity is concerned. I guess you can take the guy out of Saskatchewan but you can't take the Saskatchewanee (?) out of the guy

He is pretty dogged though. Having vastly outstripped his abilities, he clearly wants to hang on to his job. In fact, if we lose the election I wouldn't be surprised if the RCMP have to eject him physically from the ministry building . Going by his name his next best prospects are as a barman so I can see his point .

Convention stipulates that he should resign pending the completion of any inquiry but he came out with some convoluted and meaningless explanation on why he should stay before my guys could get him to fall on his sword

The major problem is that he was the clean-cut face of the cabinet amongst a bunch of traitors (Brison, Stronach), incompetents (Scott etc.), pocket padders (Pettigrew et al) and sepratists (Lapierre)
Apart from my COMPLETE EXONERATION, 'Ruff' came out best in the Gomery report for his action on the sponsorship file initiall freezing it and then having it administered by public servants under new guidelines. Something that Pelletier and my predecessor should have done six years earlier

The only bright spot is that if we do regain power after all this it will completely shatter the Conservatives faith in the populace and they may just disband in disgust

A bit trickier for me, as most fanatics, if they have even heard of Canada, assume we are the 51st state. So the secret is to create an enemy within

Serendipitously, two events fell into my lap over the past couple of days. The shooting in Toronto and some anti-Semitic graffiti found on an Edmonton synagogue. As luck would have it, I was at a Hanukkah celebration yesterday and was able to get in the phrase 'un-Canadian activities'. Due to the aforementioned rally-round-the-flag mentality, I had no need to be partisan - unlike Harper whose bleating for more hand-gun enforcement just sounded like an attack on the police

In fact, the alarm is completely overstated. One death on the 1896km of Yonge street this year hardly warrants this reaction. Everyone knows it is just down to black gangs that are doing their best to erase the problem. Best option would be to stand back and let them eliminate each other There is bound to be the odd bit of collateral damage

However, Mayor Miller's stay-away attitude ( He remained vacationing in Spain Ed.) does provide an opening it would be remiss of me to ignore. I will take the opportunity to talk up his NDP background and by association smear his former colleague on Toronto council, Jack Layton

However, there are apparantly lesser lights in our party who have joined my bandwaggon, using blogs to show the world the 'inner man'

Anyway, this particular person, Mark Klander,(apparantly one of my henchmen but I cannot recall him) has been hung drawn and quartered for including in his listing of 'Top 10 things that will make me sick during the election campaign'
No 10: Olivia Chow
That's it (well more or less)

Well, Jack Layton's partner has also figured in these pages. Thank God this blog wont see the light of day until I'm sitting at the right hand of you-know-who because I have no idea how to disable the search engine on this site

For more coverage check out Comments please and small dead animals

We've managed to distance ourselves from this 'volunteer' and plan to put it out that he might have been a plant by the Conservatives. After all, with a name like Klander he obviously has some connection to the KKK, the forerunner of Reform. We still have some cash over from Adscam which will help him back up up the story.

Logic also comes to our rescue

• Liberals never say uncomplimentary things about gays, ethnics etc.
• Klander did
• Klander cannot be a Liberal
• Therefore he must be a Tory

Still it remains a bit of an embarassment. Shame he wasn't hiding out amongst the crowds at Dundas and Yonge yesterday. (scene of a deadly gun battle. Ed.) One weel-aimed bullet could have swiftly killed this story

They managed to ignore Gilles Duceppe as well as whoever leads the Green party; and referred to Kack Layton, so you can imagine it went down pretty well with the turkey dinner.
'Kack' tried too hard to impress e.g Next read "Stephen Lewis's Massey lectures." and Harper ignored several questions whilst I struck the happy medium which so endears me to millions of Canadians

If you read the article you will notice I focussed on my grandchildren, or lack thereof. With a combined age of well over a hundred you'ld have thought one of my sons would have fired a live bullet. I've no idea what the problem is. After all, I left each of them the latest copy of 'All about the Birds and Bees' on their bedside tables on their sixteenth birthdays

However, as an encouragement I presented them each with a book at the family get-together

• Being married doesn't mean you're gay
• Viagra for dummies
• Belinda in pictures - the Playboy edition

If that doesn't do the trick I may have to adopt, although as my predecessor has found out that has pitfalls too

No, it was to see what advantage we could gain from Asia's loss. We can hardly offer beautiful beaches under a warm sun, or a distinctive cuisine - but there is sex-tourism. About the only tim you hear of Canadians abroad is when one has been caught with an under-age girl in South asia

With many of Thai and Sri Lankan children lost in the flood it will take them a long time to get back on their feet (or backs in this caase)

And now the Liberal leaning Supreme Court (with my appointments siding with the majority) has boosted home prospects with their decision allowing swingers clubs to flourish. Couple that with our age of consent for heterosexual sex which at 14 is the lowest in the Western world it places us in a great position(ahem) to reap the benefits

The rightwing have got their knickers in a twist over this one. On the one hand they dont want government intrusion; on the other, it is just another sign of moral decay under Liberals. More internal strife there. Goody-goody

The only fly in the ointment is the iniquity of the law as our mano-on-mano AOC is 18. Last thing I want is a bunch of poofs spouting their Charter rights just before an election

The problem is my

outburst
The bugger only took me up on it. And then Harper joined the fray

Don't they understand a fucking metaphor?!

I brushed it off quoting a busy schedule. I'm not hanging around on street corners Last time that happened it took a lot of time, money and influence to get me out of police HQ

Perhaps I should just stand above the fray?
Would someone build me a rose garden tout-bleedin-suite

Actually it's not all bad news as I have nimble-footed my way to an alternative opportunity
What the psudeo-pundits have failed to pick up on is the dual significance of my

speech. It was not just to show my federalist credentials. It was a resume

If, as seeems likely, the Bloc gain more than 50% of the vote, then the push for seperatism will grow. Now lets suppose they win the referendum. Do they really want a callow, thirty-something, Andre Boscalir representing them in foreign parts? As an overt homosexual he'd probably be thrown in jail in the first Middle East or African country he visited. Not a good start

No, as their first PM (or President) they'll be looking for someone with experience, a Quebecer who in negotiations with Canada knows where all the money is hidden. Someone who is great buddies with a founder of the Bloc, for instance Jean Lapierre.
And guess who will happen to be unexpectedly available. Moi.

Probably the first person ever to have been Prime Minister of two countries
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, JC

After all, we can't be hypocritical about them wanting to exploit stretches of wasteland no one in their right minds would want to visit and where the most intelligent being within 500km are polar bears

Substitute black for polar and it sounds like Alberta to me

Our official position is that drilling in Alaska would upset Porcupine Caribou herds (yep I'm not kidding) but you can bet your bottom dollar if any decent amounts of the black stuff are found there we'll be opening up the Yukon to my buddies in the oil industry before I can say g**s and l******s

...talking of which

I see the NDP have nominated what passes for them as a star name, former governor general Ed Schreyer.

That brings with them some major problems which we can exploit. They just 'ousted' no-name Bev Desjarlais for her unofficial views on the same-sex issue but Schreyer has equivalent views and was fool enough to speak his mind 20 years ago calling homosexuality "an affliction" He got very testy when pressed on his position yesterday

Although I agree with him wholeheartedly, you won't catch me on that one

I just hide behind the Curtain of Rights!

Spending time in Regina naturally led to thoughts of queens and the current interest in them over in old Blighty

The Brits are now following our lead on same-sex and Sir Elton is one of the first to make a move, marrying a Scarborough lad no less. The wedding, traditionally taken at the home of the bride, is taking place in England so I suppose that means David Furnish is the boy in the relationship. Thank goodness for small mercies

Moving on to the real thing, HRH is having her upteenth portrait done by that lovable rogue Rolf, 'Tie me kangaroo down sport' Harris. He's a ex-Aussie so I would have thought he would have come out with something a bit shocking but apparantly it's a 'comfy' rendition of the old biddy

Still I'm sure this would have crossed his mind, unless his lack of a Latin education meant he had the obvious rhymeto the praire province's capital

Sipping tea from the finest bone china
Rolf said "Pose on this recliner"
'I can now do the queen
As she's never been seen
with a view of her bum and vagina'

To them, The main item on the agenda turned out to be seperation. The fact is, without Quebec, the country shifts westward and more right-wing Harper would be more than happy to see 'la belle province' and its budget-draining, special-status, 20+ Liberal seats disappearing off the horizon. He could ditch his weekly French homework as well

He seems perplexed that we should trumpet an issue that our raiding of the public purse caused in the first place but his heart's not in it Indeed everybody noted my emotion compared with his intellectual approach when defending canada
Sheila wryly observed that if I showed half the passion for her cunt as I do for my country she would be one happy woman

It's always about sex with women and I think that's why they empathise with me and my exhortations of love for Canada. I'm so clearly faking it (as soon as I retire I'm off to the Bahamas) and yet managing to fool the predominantly male media establishment

Just as Clinton was portrayed as the first 'black' president, I could be regarded as the first elected 'female' PM
Give me an excuse if Sheila ever caught me going through her undies drawer again, too

Pretty well everyone has made up their mind in Quebec already but 'Faux Pas' Harper helped me out with any other undecidecd voters

Firstly, he failed to understand a couple of the questions. Canadians deserve somebody who can speak both languages well. Just imagine what that would be like come a referendum, something I should clearly promote as a real and living danger

Secondly, I got him to remove the threat of using the notwithstanding clause on same-sex marriage. That will hurt him. Those wavering between us and the Tories never believe politicians anyways so it won't help him with that constituency. On the other hand, those poor, deluded soul on the right still have some misplaced trust and will think he means it.

Cue the next Preston Manning and the New Reform party. Hopefully, something will stir in the next month but longer term it is definitely looking rosy. If Harper fails to make PM, you can bet the knives will be out and the Conservatives will be starring in 'Return to Splitsville'

However, as PM I feel duty bound to refer to the world stage and a couple of recent pronouncements

Bushy continued his back-tracking from the Iraq invasion by admitting that faulty intelligence was to blame. I'm predicting that by the end of his term he'll be censoring Teddy Kennedy for pushing him into it. However, he was in what for him poses as a philosophical mood - you win some you lose some. The win is apparantly that Saddam is in jail. The Loss? Well, I suppose that is 30,000-100,000 deaths including 2,000+ of his own troops

Meanwhile the nutter they should have taken out in next door Iran is in holocaust-denial, Israel-reassignment mode

I was quick with my response

Damn right. Definitely time to put on my NIMBY hat The last thing we want is 6 million Jews to rehouse. Though I suppose at a pinch and a good price, PEI is a possibility. It could be renamed Pure Emigrants of Israel and if some fanatical Muslims take the place out it's just one island of many

He may not have the cuddly appeal of an Elmo or Cabbage patch doll, but US ambassador Wilkins speaking in HMV (his master's voice) sure sounded good to me

Warning us off yank-bashing in his tortured-southern voice is guaranteed to secure a few more seats to resist the enemy in the south. He said they made an easy target and he was right there. Take Softwood and Condo's suggestion that we get round a table and sort it out. You negotiate before the trial decision not when you've been found guilty countless times.
Don't they watch cop shows south of the border

And starting off his speech with a lame "Beer and Popcorn" joke may have got him a polite titter but what might be funny if a Canadian says it is a definite no-no when it is foreigners mocking us

It was such a slam-dunk, that the press thought I had set him up to it. Luckily Bush's lackeys are so clueless I didn't need to. However, I might plant the idea that next time he should try speaking in French. Now that would be an address for the ages

That was a wonderful success. The Yanks took the bait putting up vp Dick Cheney to give me a tongue-thrashiing by proxy via our ambassador McKenna. With the most reviled American politician coming down on an innocent Frank the optics could hardly look better

Added to which the US have backed down from their extreme stance and agreed to talk about talks A diplomatic triumph. Of course, it will not lead to anything in terms of improving the environment down the road but who cares The important thing that they caved after I made my tough speech (followed by a low-key retraction that hardly got covered but I will fall back on if the issue of our performance comes up later)

To top it all I had a photo-op with BC giving the impression that we can deal with Americans (especially of the Clinton persuasion) once they toss out the neo-Cons. Heres to Hillary in 2008

Of course all the press wanted to know was about Bill and Belinda. They queried on him whether he had influenced her decision to join the Good Guys. Of course what they really wanted to know was "are you bonking her" but were too polite to ask. On rare occasions like this, I wish we had a gutter press like England's Fleet Street where they are not afraid to ask the (ahem) probing question

As most of you know my communications director, Scott Reid, suggested that parents, on receipt of their child-care cheque from the Conseravtives, would blow it all on beer and popcorn
There was nothing wrong with the thought. It is almost certainly true, but that's the problem. People feel guilty and take it out on the messenger

What he should have done is continued with something along the lines of 'Of course they'll need something to drown their sorrows if they elect a Conservative government'

But his biggest mistake was saying it was $25 per diem, not a weekly sum. People will think Harper was being much more generous than he actually was.

That's been our tactic on child care. We had trumped his proposal with a $5 billion 'increase' solely by extending the current commitment another five years, which given a bit of inflation is actually a reduction in aid
Nice one eh? And it's extendible indefinitely

Not to mix metaphors but whilst I was at a wine-tasting session I heard on the grapevine that Scott's in line to replace Jim Travers at the Toronto Star after the election and he is obviously not keeping his eye on the ball

Still I think I got us out of it Have you noticed my technique of asking myself questions and then immediately answering?
viz.
Q. Do Canadians want a national system of childcare?
A. Yes
Right again. Beat that Mr 'Teacher's Pet' Harper

I got so carried away that I almost asked myself the obvious follow-up out loud
Q Is there any chance of it happening when the amount of money promised for the whole country is less than Quebec spends currently, we need to agree the plans with all the provinces and Mr 'One too many pucks in the head' Dryden is in charge
A. er.um...

Stephen Harper's comment

Let's hope he's right!

• Our friends and family make a nice little nest egg for doing F-all
• A percentage makes its way to the Liberal party coffers
• Years later, when all of the interested parties have moved on, an inquiry suggests there has been some wrong-doing
• I'm completely exonerated
• We win a majority at the following election

It was the CTV that broke the story which means that the vastly more influential CBC, again beaten to the punch, were honour-bound to pooh-pooh the scandal encapsulating their piece with an "only rumours', 'nothing proven' slant
They also said that lots of people made money without mentioning the corollary that those not-in the know got scammed

I got my quote up out front

which is code for

In the name of balance the National gave as much weight to a Conservative MP, Brian Pallister, who with some slip of the tongue put 'fickle' and 'women' in the same sentence. His, providentially female, Liberal opponent had the chance for a long riposte whilst all he was allowed in reply was a 'taken out of context' report which, as everyone now knows, means 'Shit. I've been banged to rights'

Hey, Scott are we 15 points clear in the polls yet? :)

It's so much easier being in opposition - and I speak from practical knowledge having provided the only worthwhile alternative to my predecessor during his last years in power.

The inability to actually achieve anything is soothing in a sort of masochistic way

Take the hostage crisis.
A scenario that helped topple ex-President Carter and had current British Foreign Affairs Minister, Jack Straw making an embarassing plea on TV yesterday would never play out here. We are powerless and everybody knows it As long as we cover our butts by saying travel to any foreign country is dangerous we've done our bit
And the fact that he went in under the banner of Christian Peacemaker Team?! Well I ask you...

Actually I'm underplaying what we've done. My PMO took time off from their busy schedule to send him a 'HELLO MUM' banner he can hold up next time he's making a futile plea for the release of all Iraqi prisoners held by the occupying forces

Not sure if it got through but if anyone has a copy I'll be glad to post it

WE CARE

Me. I have a replica of Jerusalem's wailing wall in the basement to help practice for my future tilt at the world griever-of-the -ear contest

I am hoping to put my skill to the test shortly before election date. My stats guru tells me that with the escalation in gun violence in Toronto, there is a 90% chance of a killing (19 times out of 20) in the week leading up to 23rd January.

I have left a spot in my schedule to rush over to TO meet the parents, give an elegy during which i will subtly slip in our proposal to ban all hand guns if re-elected

Within any luck that will create a groundswell of opinion sufficient to sweep us to victory before it has percolated into the brains of the masses that this continuing rise in violence has occurred after we've spent $2bn on the current and clearly useless legislation

• Admitted our record was bad in the 90's - before I was in any way responsible
• Bashed the Yanks for their voodoo science and unwillingness to face the problem
• Boasted about our green infrastructure - whatever that is

And I'm guessing that, with the forthcoming election coming on possibly the harshest day of the year coupled with rocketing, most Canadians would not mind a bit more global warming thank you very much

Her 'just because everyone who goes on these trips is de facto tortured does not mean that there is an a priori assumption that it will happen' might work in Logic 101 but hardly fools people in realpolitik

There was a slight flap about some of these human cargo planes landing on our soil but no one can seriously blame us. It's like taking it out on a paki convenience store assistant because a criminal buys gas at his store

No I'm more concerned that all the action is taking place in the Middle East or Eastern Europe. And they're no doubt earning a pretty penny for the purpose. Now I know the greenback isn't what it was (since I became presumptive PM when my predecessor resigned our dollar has risen more than a third in value) but hey, dosh is dosh

And we have large remote areas of the country with the sort of housing fit for prisoners and a 'workforce' with the intellectual capacity and physical zeal to act as warders.
Reservation Renditioning has a nice ring to it, eh?

Now obviously we could not accept cash as a government - and anyways we're awash with the stuff. No I'm thinking more partisanly here and staring at empty Liberal party coffers. Something that will need to be replenshed for what is likely to be more elections in the next few years of minority governments

Must dash .. but I'll finish of my thinking later to day

However, today they had a charming young lady on (they ought to consider using her in the leadership debates rather than the usual old fogeys) talking about the upsurge in blogs for the election.

After mentioning supporting acts of Monte Solberg (yikes!), Paul Wells, and Antonia Zerbisias, (and a big thumbs down to my official speechwriter, Scott Feschuk) yours truly was mentioned as the star on the Canadian political blogosphere. Self-evident, I know, but even the most influential and self-assured like to know that the chattering classes have some sense

So I'm in a forgiving mood. Next time the programme features some tin-eared Tibetan troubadors dragged off Yonge Street in a brazen attempt to portray them as the next must-see act, I will smile inwardly rather than reach for the off button.

The Tories standard bearer is Monte Solberg's - current MP for Medicine Hat - who , coincidentally, started his up at more or less the same time as me - although predictably a few days later.

That is the only comparison however. Whilst mine deasl with the affairs of state and the world leaders I share a stage with, his deals with the state of his apartment and the fellow MP with whom he 'shares digs'. Whatever that means

Apart from having nothing of value to talk about, he also suffers from the delusion that he is amusing in a mildly sarcastic vein. His take on Harper's universally-panned plan to reduce GST is typically weak. Someone should tell him that providing characters with silly names went out with Charles "do as you would be done by" Kingsley and Richard "Lady Sneerwell" Sheridan
Solberg's versions? Ima Painbottom and Louden Droning-Arse. My sides are still aching

The rest (or at least the few other entries I could endure) is in the same vein. And to think that this guy would probably get a major cabinet post if by some fluke Harper forms a government and is probably planning a leadership campaign in the real-world alternative

Now that's why the Tories are scary

Well you can make that 901 as now it includes the idiot who scheduled a stop there on my nationwide election tour just after I had been boasting about low unemployment

Luckily our servile scribe at the Star, came out with a complimentary piece stressing how I "listened sympathetically", "tried to offer hope" and got in my quote that "The fact is that the country is reaching out to you". Like 99% of the country had even heard of this dingy town before

There is talk of making it a tourist destination but the name Cornwall - conjuring up thoughts of the English county famed for sand, surfing and King Arthur - is basically all the city has to offer. I told the students I was visiting that re-opening a canal was a great opportunity but with the world-reknowned Rideau less than two hours away I'm not sure they fell for that one

One constituency we can kiss goodbye to winning back

Hopefully the Quebeckers fall for all this celebrity stuff. God knows how being cooped up in a metal box miles above the earth's surface entitles you to a political career is beyond me but I'd rather he was one of us than one of them

Poor old Michael Ignatieff got roughed up at his show and I'm not sure he's going to get in Still it's a win-win for me. If he's elected it means we will form the government again and I can put him in the Foreign Office. He is on the same intellectual plane as Condo' Lisa , something poor old PP can only aspire to. When he says he cannot understand what she is saying it is because the concepts are difficult to grasp, when she brings forward the same comment it his accent that is at fault.

And if MG loses? Well we will probably be in opposition and that will be one tarnished rival who won't be able to launch a leadership campaign

Actually, if the first day is anything to go by this election will be a pushover. Harper is finding it as hard to say "I love Canada" as I do saying the word G** or L****** in public. Of course once he does relent we come back with
Well then why do you f***ing want to change it then

He also lacks the crucial ability for a politician that of lying brazenly. When asked about same-sex, rather than suggest that is a battle over - and appeasing moderate Ontarians (where else is his fubndamentalist support going?) - he suggests the issue might be revisited if he gets a majority
What a prat!

The only downside is that whenever same-sex is an issue I always get a knee-jerk reaction from her indoors with the old "never mind same-sex what about some sex". Well I have 55 days of excuses not to visit that particular marital obligation thank God

And who can blame me

I'm hoping for the non-aligned sympathy vote

And being in bed with the wrong people will likely decide the outcome of this election, and how big a majority I will get.
Harper already has the misfortune of having that cuckoo Klein as the best known face of current conservatism. The ghost of Mulroney hovers and he was good enough to exacerbate things further by suing Peter C Newman and allowing my buddies at the CBC to replay the film of his foulmouthed tirade against one-and-all. Finally, fellow neo-con Mike Harris has been outed by his erstwhile Attorney general for saying "get the fucking Indians out of the park" a few hours before one of said Injuns was downed by a cowboy cop.

Somewhat ironinc that the natives have been saying this for ages but it is only when an old white male confirms their tale that it takes credence. Talk about inbred racism

Anyways off to see the fragrant GG to set the date. First Thursday after Harris's forthcoming appearance at the Ipperwash inquiry should set the seal on my victory

Bono must be in therapy and coming to the realization that his threat to be a pain in the ass has backfired

Well perhaps he'll get this message. I know you want a greater spread of wealth so that your CD sales go up
But Aboriginals are our Africans and giving to one means zilch for the other

Bottom line: If you ain't got a vote - You won't get a groat (a former English silver coin worth four pennies. Ed)

Well yesterday it was the First Nations turn and I got well and truly stitched up here

Convinced it would be a good idea to wear a traditional metis jacket at the roundtable, I found myself thrust inside an outfit that was Wild Bill Hickcock meets Laura Ashley

The only saving grace would be if the premiers would be similarly attired - I could just picture Ralph Klein in a headdress - but no they were all sober-suited.

And all this after I had promised them they would have the same standard of living as the rest of Canadians within a decade! It's going to be a tough job but I reckn ten more years of Liberal majority and we should have brought the rest of the populace down to their level

He will undertake a personal venture in the form of a 'focused, policy-based public inquiry' whatever the hell that means

The families were nitpicky about its terms so I'm sure they will pan the results thus scuppering any thoughts Rae has of launching a run for my position on the back of his report. The chances of that job opening up are becoming remoter by the minute. Thanks Ralph

• There's an election coming up and I need to cement the Negro vote
• I upstaged the odd couple's ( Bill Graham and Scott Brison. Ed) press conference on new defence purchases
• Judy Sgro got some attention for once. Hopefully that will stop her hopeless agitation for a recall to cabinet
• I was able to press the community to do more to foster my ambitions to make Montreal the jazz capital of the world

One of the leaders was a charming young woman called Saron Ghebressellassie. I made a strong suggestion that if she has any kids she either gives them a short first name - something like Tom for instance - or at least encourage the father to stick around long enough to get his name on the birth certificate. I have a feeling if the combined name comes to more than 25 letters it wont fit on identity cards and we could have a costly retooling of their dimensions or a Charter action facing us

Maybe if I was headed for a large majority but in minorityland anything goes (off the record of course)

One tactic is to smear an Oppo by association And who should fall into our laps but none other than Canada's most reviled man - after Brian Mulroney of course - Conrad Black

Hopefully we can pump up how dastardly he is by getting pictures of him in cuffs in a Chicago courthouse facing charges of using Hollinger investments as his own private (and v large) piggy bank

If he resists extradition, Joe Volpe will be attempting to throw him out as an illegal immigrant. After all, whilst millions of the less fortunate are clamouring to get in why should we put up with someone living here who gave up his citizenship just so he could become a Tony Blair peer?

And here is the link literally. Conrad Black helps choose the guests for the annual Bilderberg meetings which were initiated in 1954 by the Nazi-sympathizing Prince Bernhard of the Netherlands. And in 2003 none other than our esteemed leader of the opposition was invited

Shame we haven't got any photos of them together. Security was tighter than the the Virgin Mary's pussy Still a bit of photoshopping should do the trick. By the time the truth has been found out the damage is done

Still the snaps of the APEC conference have come back Here I am front and center in a rather fetching pastel blue housecoat

Unfortunately this is the CIA processed version. Dubya has inexplicably grown at least 6 inches so as not to be dwarfed by Vincente Fox

And here is one where some of the attendees are caught surprised at my gall in mentioning that treaties should be honoured

Not an entirely wasted trip though. As you know I am a bereaver non-pareil and I had the chance to visit the graves of some Canadians who died in the Korean war and give a little photo-op speech
Luckily, the conflict ended just before I would have had to do a bit of draft-dodging.

It also gave me the opportunity to check out the Korean internment and cremation procedures As you know, one of my post-PM projects is to set up the largest chain of funeral parlours in the country and I need to keep up to spec on Asian preferences as we get overrun with them back home

Looking at France, the last thing we want is a load more disaffected and unemployed Muslims wandering around our cities

No. We are far better off with boosting our population via China. Dubya's business friends have got him to crack down on Beijing so anyone over there applying for a move to the States is likely to find himself a Chink in the Clink; so we are likely to become a most favoured destination

That suits me. As a race, they are pretty compliant and as can be seen, my self-penned Red Book, 'Creating Opportunity: The Liberal Plan for Canada', remains a best-seller over there

Although Dubya never admitted it, it is a generally-held assumption that he too was a user until his religious conversion. Even in stodgy old Blighty, the front-runner to head the Conservatives David Cameron has only denied snorting cocaine since he became an MP. The implication is obvious

So it would not surprise me if at the victory celebration after the forthcoming election several of our young hopefuls ensure that they leave a bit of white stuff up their noses for the cameras as a way of setting their mark for a time when I graciously step down

Its the truth dear friends, not a joke
If you want to get on, take coke
Heroin or crack?
They'll vote you back
Just never get caught with a smoke

I struck the first and probably decisive blow with

The Conservatives will fall into my trap by no doubt labelling our recent election pamphlet federal fiscal update as budget-lite

We can then riposte by labelling the conservatives as Reform-lite etc.

I just hope Belinda doesnt get spotted leaning over to pat a dog whilst wearing one of her low cut tops and showing us her puppies. Strip-lite

For example, my recent tribute to ex-Toronto Star publisher, Beland Honderich, cannot be entirely disconnected from the paper's response to the news about the unholy alliance between the Tories, NDP and BQ.

Where any objective headlines would be something along the lines of

• Martin cornered by Opposition cunning or
• Liberals forced off track in election time-table

• Billions in tax cuts likely in Goodale's mini-budget
• Voters not preoccupied by scandals
• Joint opposition strength reflects Tory weakness

Another case in point. My stats guys tell me that the rate at which WWII veterans are dropping off means that their voting strength is now outpaced by citizens of Italian ancestry. Hence our 'apology' to the Dagos
Joe Volpe - who provided details of the package - never struck me as someone with a sense of humour but I loved his comment at the announcement

Had me in stitches

Hardly mentioned in all the tributes was the little known fact that he was one of the few Canadians who invented a practice subsequently taken up by many distinguished citizens down south, including the current President.

I am referring, of course, to draft-dodging

Eager to pursue a journalistic career, his 'poor' eyesight and hearing enabled him to avoid service and replace someone at the Toronto Star who had gone off to Europe to fight the Nazis. The rest, as they say, is history.

Adding a capacity to keep stum when asked about politicians' misdemeanours, his "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil" persona made him a great servant to the Liberal party as he kept the leading Canadian newspaper onside for decades

He will be sorely missed

If he hadn't blotted his copy book in the Middle east by invading Iraq, he could have taken a leaf out of our book by quitely shipping them off to Syria, Saudi Arabia etc. for an indefinite stay without due legal process

Bewailing his fate, he came out with this pathetic line

I suppose he has tasted the latter re Iraq - though come to think of it that was more a case of doing the wrong thing and losing (heh-heh)

Apparantly, he has the police and public on his side so it would be no surprise to me if, when he gets turfed from power politically, the fanatically ambitious one attempts an armed coup to regain power

The nation chief has been berating NDP leader, Jack Layton, for considering bringing down the government prior to my meeting with the aboriginal leaders in Kelowna

Jack's riposte

The point exactly though of course he fails to appreciate it. The last thing Fontaine and his fellow chiefs want is any decisions to be reached, particularly anything involving more responsibility and self-discipline heaped on their shoulders

No it's much more fun to berate whichever government is in power at more talks in resort areas. I hear Phil is a skiing buff and is looking forward to some early-season powder snow at Big White

However, the few bleeding hearts (mainly at the CBC) who have been pursuing the story have failed to focus on the salient point about Ahmed Elmaati, Muayyed Nureddin, Abdullah Almalki and Maher Arar. No I don't mean they are Muslim. Recognizing that would be discrimination. No I mean it is their names that gets them into trouble.

If only they had the foresight to pick a surname like Smith, Jones or say ... Robinson they would be less likely to be singled out in the first place

Top that up with Christian first name sugeesting a healthy lifestyle, something Scandinavian say like Per, Lars or for instance ... Svend

Hey you could get away with murder - or at least the theft of some pretty expensive jewellry - with a name like that

Somehow our fallback position re scandal, drinking water, softwood lumber etc.. of " We got you into this mess, we should get you out of it" may not get us such a ringing endorsement at the polling booths

Argentina's most celebrated soccer star, Maradona, is planning on leading a march - apparantly he is best buddies with the excluded Fidel Castro. The guy is an icon here in spite of being an obese, coke addict who recently admitted his most famous goal against England in the 1986 World Cup was punched in

So Andre Boisclair still has one or two vices to pick up if he wants to be acclaimed the new PQ leader

• Chirac is facing riots in the streets
• A top White House Aide is appearing in court
• The Germans cannot form a Government
• Blair has lost a Cabinet minister and a large sector of his party

Oh and my predecessor has to foot his legal bill for challenging Gomery. Ain't Life Sweet

Some days it just pays to lie back and let others speak

Jean Lapierre gets to stick it to his old foes.

Scott Brison is allowed to repeat his "It was Paul Martin who called the enquiry.. It was Paul Martin who said he wanted to get to the bottom.." lines. Apparantly his planned marriage is in limbo as his partner is sick of hearing my name mentioned at the height of their physical encounters

Harper laid into Layton which means that he wont get the support for a confidence vote whilst at the same time planting the seed that the NDP willl do anything for a sniff of power. There's only one party that can benefit from drifting NDP votes
Thank you very much, Stephen.

Even my predecessor unwittingly helped me. He may amuse the hacks who otherwise just spend lonely hours with each other but I'm sure his oafish schtick - and yes he did mention golf balls yet again (yawn) - looks extremely tired outside the beltway

And his call for a jusdicial review just makes him look like a bad loser. The justice system will almost certainly back one of their own and in the unlikely event that polls turn for the worst I can always use it as an excuse for delaying the election. Indeed if he wins I suppose the Gomery report will officialy never exist and thus the election call I promised need not be acted on

And there I am. A saint amongst sinners. Rome take note

The Oppos have been having a go at us for having a prior view of the document.

Don't they realise how difficult it is for somebody to trace a finger in a straight line and move their lips at the same time?

I refer of course to G. Gordon Liddy of Watergate fame and I. Lewis 'Scooter' Libby of (whatever lame name they come up with) gate. As you see, the bizarre comparison extends to their using only the initial of their first name

Obviously, any officials with like sounding names are a cancer and I have set my top security politico, Anne McLellan, off to root out any in our administration. It's alright as the Charter of Rights allows discrimination on the basis of surname

Though come to think of it her diminutive stature has provided her with the nickname 'Diddy'

Oh-oh

They are now complaining about E coli in their drinking water. Three points

• We all have millions of E coli in our intestines. What makes you so special
• If you don't like the tapped stuff - melt some frigging ice
• With all that alcohol gushing down your throats I'm amazed there is room for water

A perfect solution would have been DART but they just happen to be off on their fifth wasted journey in a decade

What makes it worse is that that prat McGuinty has stolen the show with a Search and Rescue mission and taunts of 'Missing In Action' about us feds

Well if he has the money for that then just let him come crying to me about Ontario's deficit

I cannot pretend my Sheila is a sex-siren - even k.d.lang failed to hit on her at an official function - but she makes a pleasant change from her immediate predecessors as Canada's 'First Lady'. Not known for her charity work (for good reasons) her most stimulating dinner time conversation is a recap of the latest 'Corner Gas' episode

That means there is no chance she will be invited on a speaking tour and embarass her husband a la Cherie Blair Heh-heh

And a two-night stand is about as much as I can take of Condo. As soon as she was questioned by a reporter she snapped the line that the US only believes in treaties as long as they suit US interests

You can bet your bottom dollar that if Clinton was still in power, some redneck reform retread would be suggesting we take up arms to defend softwood and NAFTA

And he'd have a point. Wars have been fought over far less. and the current conflict in Iraq to name but two

She, of course, appreciates that with the Gomery inquiry coming out and an election in the offing I have no alternative than to bash her countrymen - this time adding a volley on gun control to my strong words (albeit weak actions) on softwood lumber. I told her that when she became President sh had 'carte blanche' to reciprocate in

kind. Perhaps not the most apposite phrase given her Afro-American heritage so I swiftly changed the subject to the recent death of Rosa Parks - the woman who sparked the Civil Rights movement down South by refusing to give up her seat on a bus for a white man

I was well into my eulogy of the late icon of civil rights whe I noticed that the Secretary of State was inexplicably having a fit of the giggles

According to Condo. it turns out that far from a brave strike for freedom, Parks actually stayed seated because she had just emitted the most fetid fart and standing would have shamed her as the culprit in front of a large and confined audience . The degradation of that for a Southern Baptist far outweighed the threat of a $10 fine for keeping still until the odour had percolated away anonymously

Jim Judd, the head of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service managed to come out with this pearl yesterday

Well he got the first half right. With the second he invented (or repackaged ) an oxymoron.

The ability to lie smoothly or completely avoid the question are the true arts of a diplomat and his suggestion that Bush's invasion of Iraq is spawning bred - and presumably future resident - Canadians goes down as one of the greatest gaffes from CSIS - and there have been quite a few of those.

In order to ameliorate the impact, the guy was hired under my watch after all, I may have to follow the route practised by Dubya for their failed Iraqi honchos and give him the Order of Canada.

Perhaps he's not so stupid after all

With Iraq turning into a 21st century Vietnam, the Americans have been accused of disregarding History but it now seems as though their Geography also has a failing grade. Of course if they blinked they might have missed Canada's embarrassing flirtation with a female PM.

Of course unlike our gallivanting Come Kimbell, the foes down South are unlikely to spend most of the campaign banging their partners. Condo has given up the game since she went off it and the closest to sex that Hillary gets is when she inadvertently walks in on hubby

Reports suggest that the learned judge is going to heap all the manure where it belongs

I could have done with an earlier tip-off though. I spent much of the summer poring over the transcript of my TV performance where I promised an election within 30 days of the report being released.
The best I could come up with was that I never specifically mentioned 'Earth days'. Why not Mercury's for instance? That would keep me in power for a further 15 years

Bit of the old grasping at straws though and I'mrelieved that it now looks like plain sailing towards Majority Island

Another important aspect is the application of language in all its aspects, particularly the use of putdowns, soundbites, straplines etc.

I've been trying to help out the DART team overcome their bad publicity Firstly I tried acronyms but all that came to mind were
Desperate Attempt to Reach Trapped
and
Digraceful Application of Residents' Taxes

Then I tried Doublets
COPE
CORE
CARE
DARE
DART

And there we have it. A new strapline for the team

Care. Dare. DART

I thought maybe some of visiting Defence Minister and former Upper Canada College pupil, Bill Graham's, rough sex games had got a bit out of hand

Turns out it was a rocket exploding outside the embassy and that Graham was not even in the residence. Which is a bit odd as the missile landed at 4:10 a.m.

Out cruising, I guess

I was trying to get them to go burial rather than cremation suggesting that, for coffins, softwood would make a useful compromise betwen their traditional shroud and the hardwood versions preferred in the developed world

Some may say I'm being insensitive taking advantage of other peoples grief. I prefer to look it as every cloud has a silver lining

I mean they're dead already, right

As it happens, the threat of disease and need for instant disposal of remains rules this out this time around. However, I am sure I have sown a seed with some enterprising exporter
Hence my new draft strapline

Always. In every way. Working for Canada

Now we have the DART (Disaster Assistance Response Team. Ed) dragging their heels again with this statement

WTF. I guess because we got screwed on the transport last time the team are trying to look less enthusiastic buyers this time around

I'm afraid the Pakis didn't plan this too well. Having a full-scale disaster in the same year as the tsunami and a month or so after Katrina means government wells are dry and the ordinary Joe Blow is compassioned out

Now I suppose I'll have to make a trip out there. Sheila has a romantic streak and has always fancied a week on a luxury houseboat. Srinager seems to have avoided most of the damage so maybe we can combine a bit of business and pleasure

The upside is that it all fits in well with my drive to get the brainier, better-educated, Asians to come to Canada. Some of them are surprisingly loth to distance themselves from the grime and poverty of their homeland. Now they see we will do fuck-all for them if they stay, doctors, engineers and their ilk may be more willing to come over and spend five years gaining Canadian experience as a cabby

Well now she can breathe a big sigh of relief

And the secret's out Scott's the girl - at least I think so But the boyfriend who got down on his knees and proposed has a girl's name, Maxime St. Pierre. All very queer

The story goes that, as the happy couple had only known each other a short while, Scott was a bit reluctant to tie the knot but Maxime persuaded him in time-honoured fashion - on you knees being at such a handy height. Immediately following the proposal. Scott attended a meeting with the press at half-mast

I'm guessing his acceptance speech climaxed with something like this "Yes.. Yes.. Yes OmiGod Yes!"

We announced the Surplus Allocation Act, the one with the promise of returning a nominal sum to our over-taxed citizens - don't quote me on that -, probably within 30 days of Gomery's final report. I also performed another sure vote-winner with a bit of yank-bashing yesterday when I went into their own backyard, NYC, and delivered a blunt speech on their reneging on NAFTA decisions regarding softwood. Pretty impressive, eh (!?)

Mind you I did take some sensible precautions

• It was in front of my kind of guys - successful business leaders - who had all been checked by security to see if they were packing
• I did not venture to Washington to regale the legislators who will actually decide our fate. Those bastards would have plenty of arguments for maintaining the status quo
• It took place at the same time as another war-mongering speech from Dubya so got little publicity down South. The last thing I want to do is upset him

Maybe that will get the oppositon off my back for failing to call the president. As readers will know, this has already been less than productive on one or two previous occasions

If I can just master that impersonation (does anyone know if God has a jewish accent?) we might yet have a statement from the White House that God told him "George, go and get rid of those tariffs".

Apparantly Supreme court appointments, legislator scandals and the aftermath of Katrina/Rita isn't enough for CNN. I guess the war on terror is also getting a bit long in the tooth Anyways they have sent a crew up to the Seven Oaks Home for the Aged in Scarborough, Ontario to cover mystery flu-like deaths. Coincidentally (yeah right) also covering threats that avian version could be the biggets pandemic for almost a century Now something tells me that even though the facility was nowhere on the tourist map - Armenian folk dances apparantly the most popular turn there - this will stall any recovery in trade from down South
What a bunch of pussies!

Mind you, if the outbreak worsens and I'm forced to make an appearance, I'll definitely copy Dubya's example and restrict my visit to a helicopter flyover

Of course, Dryden has plenty of experience in this area. No doubt he handed out a fair number of hits on younger kids as he clawed his way to an NHL career. And when president of Toronto Maple Leafs, he was instrumental in bringing the sex scandal to the public's attention after Martin Kruze told all. It didn't stop the latter committing suicide. I heard somewhere that Dryden was the model for the hand in a memorial picture for Kruze

It's on the 'Reaching Out' monument in Toronto's Air Canada Centre. If you ask me it looks like he's about to whack the kid round the earhole - something I hasten to add I never did with my two boys ( er. It's three, actually )

The fallout may be a bit tricky to handle though Should spike the rhetoric of one of my bete-noires, Denis Coderre, whom I gave the push to a couple of years ago. But his blame-game shots at the CBC president Rabinovitch have been echoed by current Cabinet Ministers, Frulla and Fontana. It won't be long before the media remembers that I reappointed the broadcasting boss less than a year ago with the ringing endorsement

Whoops!

Still with Newsworld back on the great Canadian public will at least have me back on the screens again for Question Period. No doubt a great solace during the long winter hours.

Hopefully, the Dingwall saga will have died down by then. Poor John McCallum is completely at sea with the severance package business. He has no clue what law governs the issue, if any, resorting to 'well it's common law isn't it' as a response. At least he didn't give us that 'One law for the rich' line!

I think the only explanation for his position is that he believes $500,000 is a miserly sum for somebody who resigns of their on volition. Hope no RBC shareholders find out what amount he got when he quit as their chief economist to become one of our celebrity candidates

I was intrigued by his surname - not very Hispanic - and he told me he had chnged it from zorro twenty odd years ago in respect of our very own Terry Fox He also believed it helpes with his election as Back to the future (starring our very own Michaerl J Fox) is by far the biggest grossing film in Mexican history. He's thinking of changing it back though as the Legend of Zorro starring Antonio Banderas is about to hit the screens

He also believed his height (6'6" a foot taller than his average countryman) was an advantage - backward people think it indicates a man of stature in more ways than one. According to him, some Indians take it even further. In their case, the fattest candidate indicating the most succesful. Apparantly they sometimes don't bother having election debates but just cut the guff and bring out a weighing machine

Luckily, in my case, Canadians are more influenced by looks

Apparantly the conservatives in power are planning to exclude from communion politicians who support gay marriage

This is good news on a couple of counts
Firstly, I am obviously regarded as serious opposition which will help get the liberal wing to see me as the leading runner

Secondly. I could well do without all that communion mumbo-jumbo, anyways. The non-alcoholic wine tastes like cats piss and the wafers are contra to my South Beach Diet

In addition, the whole ' transformed into the body of Christ' mantra leaves me (as a confirmed non-cannibal) a trifle on the queasy side

Yet another of one of my predecessor's pals discovered with his hands in the cookie jar

I floated the old 'But he made the Mint profitable' line, one I'm planning on using with variation in the next election campaign but not sure it was entirely successful

It wasn't the overall sum
That proves that Dingwall was dumb
No. What was worse
He raided the purse
For a $1.29 pack of gum

She is also getting wonderful publicity with none of the Press pointing out the hypocrisy of her preaching inclusiveness at the ceremony whilst barring her Alzheimer-affected mother from the event

Also think I got away with my one faux-pas when I referred to the soldiers as coming from the Voodoos rather than the Vandoos regiment. I was looking at their daughter at the time and could have sworn she was holding a bobble-head doll of Adrienne Clarkson with pins sticking out of it

Well you can take the girl out of Haiti but ...

But even her parting words seduced one of my more naive colleagues

In one sentence she manages to get across

• She is beloved by many
• Other people think she is more important than the institution
• Don't get above yourself, Island Girl

Intriguingly, currently the site is down so maybe the new incumbent is shredding/deleting all reference to whats her name

One good thing is that we finally get rid of Clarkson. With any luck she'll revisit her beloved Far North and fall down an ice hole. Although I rather doubt if she wants to brave the weather. Seems like now I refused to grant her request to become GG for life a spot of rain is an excuse to take it easy

Just in case you didnt get the subtext of my farewell speech to her, here it is

The spendthrift GG's got some front
So for once I'm going to be blunt
So Proud and vain
Met all with disdain
Now sod off you miserable cunt

Also where are all the conspiracies noting that "Rita Kan" is an anagram of "Katrina"

Whatever. I'll shortly be getting the Canadian version of a Tropical Storm - Bill Graham passing wind at cabinet meetings

It has been likened to a piece of art and I just wish more people could have heard it in the er..um.. flesh

Like a work of Shakespeare, it also has several sub-texts, which for those of a redneck persuasion I will attempt to elucidate

There are too many old people sponging off the health care system and any well educated youngsters are scarpering to a less taxed environment. My favoured alternative is compulsory euthanasia at 70 (apart from the odd notable exceptions to the rule e.g. moi) but apparantly that is a political no-no. The alternative is to import Chinese who will gratefully vote Liberal and via competition help keep down the cost of dry-cleaning

Apparantly, repaying a fraction of the money he milked from the People of Canada has left him destitute (where is all the spondulex then?) and so the judge let him off with slap on the wrist involving being in bed by 9 on weekdays and a job as lecturere at the prestigious McGill university.

The judge justified this lunacy on the basis that

That's the sort of argument Bernado's lawyers should have used. I would say the chances of him killing French or Mahaffay again are also extremely minimal or I venture to suggest, non-existent

A deluded Herr Schroeder

And the least persuasive rallying call I have ever heard, from Frau Merkel

Pistols at dawn would be my recommendation but I fear they would both miss

Unless I can finagle my way out of it, we have an election here in the next few months and - having just spent the last few days with that walking disaster Pettigrew - I suppose I had better prepare for a similar eventuality

I'm not sure that I wouldn't mind splitting the role with Harper - to be honest its only a part time job anyways and not all it's cracked up to be. I'll take Monday thru wednesday, he can have the next three days. Layton gets Sunday.

Worry not concerned Canadians, no officials are around then so nothing would get implemented on his watch

Still it was a chance to show leadership on the World Stage and to support the UN in its efforts on Kyoto and poverty in the Third World.
Right?
Wrong!
I can see the way the wind's blowing and jumped on the reform the UN bandwagon tout-de-suite. Should help with my own ambitions

I also sounded out a few African leaders on the possibility of selling them some icebergs - before it is too late. Got some interest too, so not a completely wasted journey

Still smarting that I chose a more-glamouros successor rather than her pedantic husband, she has now created two awards in her name! One a hockey cup for women and the other a medal to be awarded each year to an individual who has made an outstanding contribution to the "evolution and constant reaffirmation" of Northern Canada.

She had the efforntery, yesterday, to send me a fax 'as a courtesy' to tell me about them and remind me that as she is the Governor-General I had to bow to her wishes.

Aligning herself with a sport trophy is ludicrous as I doubt if she's handled a ball (of any description) let alone been pucked in years. And then after all my trips to the frozen North she had the gall to say

Her final words to me were that her first inclination was to rename Nunavut, Clarksonland, but that she was concerned the natives would celebrate so long and hard leading to even greater alcoholism. She'd settle to be the first recipient of the medal!

And she's still got one week to go

Of course, Dubya is in a healthier position to be contrite. Once a politician admits to a mistake he never hears the end of it. Thank God, I'm infallible
He also benefits from the fact that the greatAmerican public voted for him not once - which is just acceptable given his opponent - but twice! They can hardly admit to such stupidity so will stick by him regardless

I, on the other hand, do not enjoy such a luxury. Unless I can wheedle my way out of it, there is an election coming up in a few months. I'm really only concerned about Ontario where we have 100ish MP's. If a natural or terrorist disaster struck there we could be toast

As chance would have it, they actually have an 'emergency czar', Julian Fantino Ontario's commissioner of emergency management.

The bad news

• The first action Toronto's new mayor took on election was to deny him a renewed contract as the City's police chief
• cf New Orleans. His obsessive loyalty to the Force means he would be unlikely to send them into action if there was any civil unrest
• His most recent quote. "I don't know how anyone could have anticipated it (Katrina). I wouldn't even call that a disaster. To me, it's a catastrophe.". Duh!

To me, that's the catastrophe

Peter C. Newman's new book on Mulroney includes an amazing amount of bile on every one of his contemporaries. In some cases he is absolutley on the spot, particularly with regard to my pussy-whipped predecessor

Normally I'd be miffed at my lack of coverage but this once I'm glad not to be featured prominently in the Index

No wonder he feels betrayed by a buddy whom he raised to a Companion of Honour during his term. One guess what he reckons Newman's middle initial stands for

However, as always, I put the country first. There has been a lot of talk about not rebuilding New Orleans and I'm pretty sure anyone with the means or talent will want to get out. So why not entice a few of the more popular residents, like Fats Domino (an obvious candidate to introduce to the South Beach Diet) up to Montreal making it the Jazz capital of the World. I'm assuming all the French quarter residents already parlez-la francais and their notorious extra-curricular substance ingesting activities would also fit in there

Wouldn't do any harm with the voters in La Belle Province either

Based on his expertise over the past few weeks I asked Harper if he wouldn't mind flipping a few steaks for us at the dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. Unsurprisingly, the surly Stephen declined one of the few opportunities he will ever get to a state occasion

We were then treated to a (thankfully final) speech from the Witchfinder-General. Presumably because she is Chinese, Adrienne Clarkson had somehow got it into her head that the occasion was for her benefit and gave yet another 'It's all about me' panegyric to herself.

Then our actual guest of honour treated us to the Chinese sense of humour. This is the transcription

CP: Knock Knock!
PM: Who's there?
CP: Hu
PM: Who's Hu?
CP: Why you say that. Don't you know who I am? Do we all look same to you. You think I'm Chinese take out boy. I'm President. Shame on Canadians

I think something got lost in the translation

Most commentators have commented on the fact that people stuck on rooftops for five days watching torrents of water sweeping dead bodies past might not want their first stop after rescuing to be on the fourth level of a boat watching torrents...

I think it goes much deeper. Negroes have an aversion to water that would put Martians to shame. Have you not noticed that in spite of dominating most athletic arenas, they never feature in Olympic swimming competition? And when did you last see a black on a luxury liner?

I have a theory that their skin colour is related to a dislike of washing rather than the 'protection against the sun' hypothesis. Alternatively it could be some mythical, Jungian impact of their forefathers' trips over here in slave banana boats

O what could I have achieved if only I had pursued an academic career

I had planned to tour The Big Easy
But dead bodies make me feel queasy
Admit that? No Way!
So I think I will say
After Oprah and Bill t'would look cheesy

So we've packed off a some out-of-code Anthrax pills and a few King-size beds. The latter are a great ruse, seeing as they are made of softwood. Applying a tariff will seem heartless and waiving them through will set a precedence.

Win-Win

I alluded to that in my telephone conversation, suggesting that provinces might be a better term and that rather than a less than inspiring forty third president of the USA he could then be the more grandiose first president of the UPA . Not sure I got through there but at least it meant I didnt have to bring up the thorny problem of softwood lumber. Of course the rebuilding of an entire city will require a lot of wood so I'm expecting them to be coming cap in hand soon anyways. BTW. You heard it here first. Rename the city Newer Orleans

A couple of other plus points

• We announced that we have put Canadian forces on standby. Hopefully this is taken literally and they can stand by whilst America sorts out its own mess. Under normal cicumstances, sending a couple of ships round there wouldn't do any harm and by the time they got there would probably not have much left to do anyways but if Denmark uses the opportunity to invade Hans Island we would be really stretched
• We are also - in a noble gesture of self-sacrifice (tee-hee) - releasing some of our oil reserves. Well at $70US a barrel we'd be stupid to miss out on an opportunity like this

Got me thinking about one of my number one priorities Healthcare - particularly in the light of the tizzy the Europeans have got into over Asian flu and their lack of medication
I see the British government has its priorities right

I suppose I need to investigate it. The last similar scare, over Anthrax, led to Allan Rock breaking the law when he ordered generic drugs. Really scuppered his subsequent leadership bid (tee-hee)

We have probably got warehouses of those medications rotting away. I'll get on to Ujjal (Dosanjh, Minister of Health Ed.) see if he can use some of them in part-exchange for avian doses - enough to cover family and friends at least

Did I mention - My head hurts

Nothing much at the retreat in Regina. Main gossip re the latest pretenders to my crown, Ignatieff and Rae An American wannabe and a failed NDP premier. Nothing to worry about there methinks

Still 72 hours of pious crap from my fellow MP's has left me with a terrible migraine. I'm taking a few days off to recuperate

Indeed for once there was a united message from my Cabinet

GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!!!!!

I'm in a bit of a quandry, I'm tellin ya. I had, actually, already made a connection. However, the President recently saw the new version of The Manchurian Candidate and is scared he is going to be brainwashed by foreigners. So every incoming call goes through various stages of screening before he actually talks himeself This is the gist of the conversation

Operator: So if you wouldn't mind answering these questions
PM: Of course not. er ma'am
Operator: Are you a premier in the Western hemisphere democratically elected without any hint of vote-rigging?
PM: Undoubtedly
Operator: Do you still enjoy broad public support
PM(smugly): Just check the polls
Operator: Are you a main supplier of oil to the States and have reserves in the Top ten in the world
PM: That would be correct
Operator: Do you maintain ties with Cuba?
PM (suspiciously): Well er um
Operator: Well? I need an answer
PM reluctantly): Yes
Operator: Do you oppose the war in Iraq
PM (in a panic): Yeah, but no, but yeah but..
Operator: Well that's satisfactory
PM (relieved): Great. So I can talk now
Operator: We need to do a visual just to make sure
PM: OK, whatever
Operator: We'll send an official up to see you
PM: Do you have a name. So I can be sure it's the right man er woman er person when they turn up
Operator: Sure. I'll just check here. Right. Yes expect a Mr Pat Robertson
PM (gulps): Actually it can wait. More consultation required. Sorry to take up your time

Well can you blame me?

They want me to talk to Bush - like that would get me a long way. I'm sure the ensuing increase in housing costs is really impacting his finances

Of course I'm mouthing all the nice platitudes

but the only talking I'll be doing with Dubya is apologising for the rhetoric.

Oh and passing on some useful advice to my officials

They reneged on a contract you built
But do not at a stronger knight tilt
Go down on your knees
Say 'Hurry up please'
And it helps if you're wearing a kilt

First stop, however, was a presentation by some grandiloquently named think-tank the Canada West Foundation. I could tell from the make up of the executive board - seven men and a female secretary - that they were in tune with my sensibilities and would be quite happy for me to nod off during their presentations as long as they got some publicity. It also enabled me to name drop Anne McLellan showing that Westerners can hope for preferment. Midget Mac does have her uses - well use to be strictly accurate

There is thus less attraction here for the left- wing outdoor-types to pitch their tents anywhere near my property unlike Bush who has competing camps near his ranch and Blair, who will shortly be suffering a Brazilian vigil outside 10 Downing Street. He'd do well to send them out some Capirinha (a traditional Brazilian drink Ed.) and let their natural instincts take over. A carnival atmosphere would kind of take away from the message

Just to complete my state of happiness - an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another - the domestic front is proceeding calmly as well. Whilst I'm relaxing in my hammock with a steady supply of pink gins provided by my tiffin wallah, poor old Harper is tramping around the country getting no publicity for his Just the Facts - Harper Hard at Work tour No surprise there. Its a title more suited to a male porn star. No wonder he turfed his Chief of Staff

It's a Wonderful Life

Presumably trying to impress me, a character trait I always enjoy in a woman, she mistakenly intended to release her statement in that style.

No doubt intending to treat lightly what is after all a storm in a teacup she did not appreciate that verity is not a virtue in politics
Just take a gander at her draft before the PMO got to it

Though not known as a country wrecker
'Twould come easy to any fact checker
That if push came to shove
The land that I love
Aint Canada. I'm a Quebecker

Still gives me a chance to educate her a little in Politics 1on1

Anyways one of their characters a hypnotist called Kenny Craig has got me worried. Maybe I have been conned into this whole GG debacle and Michaelle Jean was practising voodoo not Vodou Did i imagine that night of passion. I must check my pants.

Well we're stuck with her now although on reflection her statement leaves a bit to be desired. Why she had to say it took 36 hours to craft is beyond me when actually the PMO came up with it in five minutes. We did slip up with the Let me be clear phrase but at least all the 'very very''s were excluded in the final version

A former Port-au-Prince street kid is hardly likely to let a little matter of the truth stand in the way of her and her Larry Sanders look-alike husband living in the lap of luxury. So I fully expect her to grit her teeth, keep the smirk off her face and make a statement expressing eternal loyalty to Canada

And then in the high-handed manner associated with the current incumbent refuse questions waltz (or in her case Vodou ) off

Turns out there's a strike on. Probably a Mansbridge-induced walkout in response to his missing out on the GGship

But it got me thinking. Perhaps colonialism is back in? After all what goes around comes around. And lets face it the world would be a much better place if most African and Asian countries (let alone the States) were back in European hands

So watch out Mugabe. Your days are numbered. As soon as we can get out of our current commitments, our hundred-strong active force will be headed for the dark continent

The bad news is that my COS-wannabee Scott Reid, has been firing scattershot over the 'Michaëlle Jean is she a seperatist' non-story

There seems to be a myth in circulation that a great deal of vetting goes on with these appointments. To be honest she was a dark-horse as GG and hadn't been looked at by the security services at all. She got through by making a very strong impression on the casting couch one-on-one interview with me by performing a traditional Haitian dance to the strains of Elton John's 'Island Girl' whilst I occasionally whooped "Who's your Papa" in remembrance of her erstwhile leader, 'Doc' Duvalier
A memorable experience for us both which, as you can appreciate, would have been ruined by any tactless enquiry of her husband's affiliation with terrorists

Anyways if it all blows up, I just pass on the blame to the person who actually had the final say, Queen Bess II. After all surely the buck stops at Buckinham Palace

A man whose Canadian educationleft a lot to be desired but who nevertheless found fame and fortune down South, perpetuating some truth or other

Surprised to see he was less than a month older than me - I guess some people wear middle age better than others

BTW has there ever been anybody who has not 'fought' cancer when it has been diagnosed. It would be nice - just for once - to hear someone say. "Hey I've got cancer. I'm quitting"

The main news is clouds over Florida so the shuttle landing is delayed. But there are no Canadians on board, anyway, so even in the event of the crash I wouldn't have the opportunity to make one of my much-anticipated eulogies

I think I'll try and nose out Karla. There's a gutless web site which pretends it knows her address but cannot print it for legal reasons

Wimps

Interesting that Michaëlle Jean's daughter is at least three shades of black darker than her mother. Probably just one of those things but am I the only one wondering who's been riding the GG?

• Women
• Quebeckers
• Immigrants
• Francophones
• Blacks
• Young people
• Army supporters
• Bleeding hearts

The biggest influence, however, was the pure joy it was intended to bring when I saw Peter Mansbridge announce the news. He has been lobbying hard for the position and I may have, inadvertently (tee-hee), egged him on. He no doubt lorded it over her at CBC functions and now will have to grovel to keep in with the powers that be
To my intense disappointment "Peter was away" for the National yesterday. However, I can console myself that he was almost cetainly lying on his bed in a foetal position as his standin spread the glad tidings

I was having a chortle with the guys about Hugh Segal's response to being bought off as a Senator...

...when news came through of the red alert at Pearson Airport and that a plane was in flames.

My first thought was that red alert was the Canadian equivalent of the US maximum threat level - McLellan has never been the brightest where originality is concened (or much else for that matter). Instinctively, I headed for the bunker assuming I was leaving a podgy Scott Reid and distracted Tim Murphy in my wake.
Five hours later when they finally heard my incessant banging and let me out I realised that they had been riveted to CNN watching the accidental crash of an Air France jet and that red alert is airportspeak for severe weather conditions

Normally I wouldn't mind a bit of privacy but the only reading material sixty feet under was Straight from the heart and the latest edition of The Advocate, a magazine I had not come across since taking a dump on a visit to Bill Graham's

Well she's an immigrant, woman, ex Liberal Cabinet Minister and self-proclaimed main architect of the 1984 Canada Health Act who willingly gave up her seat to allow my predecessor's buddy, the disgraced Alfonso Gagliano, a seat in Parliament

Nothing to recommend her there then.

On the other hand, if I can sign her up for the South Beach diet...

She's certainly has all the attributes in that regard

Unfortunately, ex UCC student 'Butch Bill' ( Minister of defence Bill Graham. Ed) took advantage of the larger defence budget to get away from the smog of Ontario and fly up there a week or so ago to - literally - raise the flag.

His cover story is that its important for our soveriegnty in the Arctic with murmurings that the US are interested in claimong the North West passage. Of course, he is really just trying the old 'Captain Canada' act that brieflly catapulted linguistically-challenged Brian Tobin to the forefront of Canadian politics in a dispute with Spain over fish

It has certainly caused a lot of interest in the blogosphere with plenty of 'our armed forces are bigger than your armed forces' rhetoric. I'm just grateful we have a while before parliament resumes. In the interim we probably need to come up with an alternative name - like the Malvinas for the Falkland Islands. The GG has already been on to me suggesting the Adriennas - reflecting her own 59 member delegation circumpolar trip promoting Canda as the modern North. I'd better come up with some alternatives before her idea gets a head of steam

Any Ideas?

Several factors have led to this outcome. Predominantly they have lacked funding. Since New Yourkers woke up to the fact that terrorism was not such a good idea, the Provisionals have been persona non grata and the money just isn't there. Secondly, their relatively gentlemanly approach of warning the police and leaving conspicuous packages is so 10th Century compared with the kamikaze approach of Al Q'aeda. Finally the demise of ex-PM Ted Heath a few days ago: some of the greates violence came on his watch and they did not want to give him the satisfaction of quitting before the 'Incredible Sulk' had popped off

Whilst I was on, I extolled the values of the South Beach diet. I am finally on commission now and get extra if I can bring in new, high-profile members. Unfortunately, Blair is not sporting a paunch but I pointed out that his fellow citizens were clearly unfit. Several of the failed bombers were apprehended by nearby Brits but managed to struggle free and escape from a clearly flabby bunch of beer-swilling, fish-and-chip stuffing fellow travellers

Unable to see the silver lining, Blair completely missed the boat by failing to mention the SB diet at his press conference viewed by millions

What an opportunity wasted (pun intended)

There's an amazing amount of interest in the outcome. AC is plugging her husband just so she doesn't have to pay the movers - apparantly she's already spent this year's budget. It was on the CBC yesterday and you could almost see Peter Mansbridge thinking 'It's me. It's me' as the correspondent went through a list of who it wouldn't be.
Sorry Pete, no more media-types for a while

I'll give you some hints

• It ought to be a francophone - am I a rebel?
• The chances of two Romeo's is remote, but not impossible
• If I choose Bob Rae we can further delay an Air India Inquiry
• On her recent tour, Queen Bess told me she wants to skip a generation and put William in charge when she pops it. If Charles was out of country (as our GG) that might limit controversy

Their insistence on maintaining a shoot to kill policy regardless is absurdly stubborn. If I was Blair I'd amend it to shoot to disable whilst insisting that bullets should be aimed at the head. That should mollify the critics whilst ending up with the same result, one ex- mistaken-for-a-terrorist.

Seems like Blair still has the press in his pocket, though. No-one seems to be mentioning that the head of a Police force that failed to be aware of either set of bombings ahead of time, has yet to capture any of the four or five suspects and has managed to antagonize the entire continent of South America is also named Blair(Sir Ian. Ed.). Don't tell me he's not some relative. It won't wash. According to my info, the chances of this being a coincidence are about 1 in 3333. You'ld get better odds on Harper being PM in a year's time and how unlikely is that!

The case has brought the usual Violence-against-women types out of the kitchen. In my parents days if you gave your wife a bit of discipline no-one was the wiser. Now at the slightest tap they run to the law and the husband is in deep shit. So the incentive to polish her off has been increased. Add that to your stats Freda

My guess is that the wife taunted the husband with an assertion that the kid she was expecting was not his. His reaction was based on millenia of evolution. Blame it on the genes, I say.
I read somewhere that in 25% of births the unwitting husband is not the natural father of the child. Now you know why I stopped at three kids

One aspect of the case puzzles me, however. How does an archetypal trailer-trasher with a court-martial record obtain a 97% mortgage.
Now that is a crime

Blair and his cabinet colleagues kneejerked the "Terrorism has nothing to do with our invasion of Iraq" line whilst quite failing to perceive the corollary that the "Invasion of Iraq had nothing to with Terrorsim" - or WMD for that matter

Anyways we're bound to be next on the list so I'm working on yet another classic memorial speech for the victims - who says I never plan ahead! I'm hoping we fall into the same category as Australia and they attack us by proxy. The Aussies were caught out in Bali and the natural equivalent is to hit the hordes of Canucks in Cancun, a cesspit of debauchery that thankfully is the last place I would be caught - pardon the expression - dead in

Apparantly the Yanks are going to extend their's from March till November and we've got to decide whether to go along with it

The good thing is that it is up to the provinces or even municipalities to make the ultimate decision so I can do the 'distancing ourselves from the US - we are a soveriegn country' speech that goes down so well with the voters e.g. my predecessor and Iraq, without actually being responsible for the inevitable fracas whichever way is chosen

It used to be pretty easy to get out for a bit of 'how's your father' or whatever. I just told Sheila I was off to Dunkin Donuts for a 12-pack. Now I'm on this beastly diet, I've had to come up with another excuse. I left a message that I was walking the dog. I was half way through the session before I realised we did not have a canine at 24 Sussex. Luckily the sex instructor had a German Shepherd, who was recovering from the previous course. I thought Sheila would still be suspicious but she took to 'Herr Gros' immmediately and I haven't seen hide or hair of them since

So now I'm scouring the internet dating lines to find Karla so we can have have a 'conversation'. I'm betting with her sense of humour, a jpeg of Kristen French will be her calling card

See this photo

Actually one of the British Bombers - although I've no doubt your first thoughts were that it was a snap I took last time I was in Nunavut

Now I'm not one into racial profiling but I'm sure glad our natives aren't as abstemious as the Muslims What are the chances that a band of our disaffected youth would stay sober long enough to concoct a plan let alone wake up in time to arrive in Ottawa for the morning rush hour?

However, I'm gratful that this is a 'not to be read until after I'm dead' blog. Otherwise, the Quebecois might have got a bit hot under the collar at the suggestion the French were involved and precipitated another seperatist rebellion

The fact that the carnage was caused by a few lads whom no-one, not the security services, community or family, suspected of having any terrorist connections is the most worrying. It shows that the government is virtually helpless. We have to spend billions upon billions on security and can be undercut by a project whose most expensive item was the cost of the train tickets

I had already conceded defeat on this one and realised there was not much point wasting valuable resources on Public Safety. I put Anne McLellan in charge

May I please present, Germant Grewal
Did the tories know he'd betray all?
Cash please. No receipt
Was not too discreet
His comeuppance? "What will you pay, Paul"

I see she still has the media in thrall with her 'above politics' line. She is recuperating at an undisclosed location after being treated at an unnamed Toronto hospital. Fat chance of me getting away with fast-track private surgery without being hounded by the baying hordes

Apparantly my 'Hi great to see you, you smug, arrogant bastard, isnt it marvellous that Canada is still part of the G8, congrats on Olympics, sorry about the bombings, I do a wonderful eulogy smile' on greeting Tony Blair yesterday came across as goofy in the circumstances

Luckily, I managed to convince (surprisingly easily actually) the press corps that my advisors had not informed me of the terrorist attack on London prior to the handshake

Instead, not only have I had to endure another televised tete-a-tete with my stalker, Bono, but now I have just been rudely awakened from a malt-induced stupor to news of explosions on the London transport system.

Although nobody has claimed responsibility, my money is on the French. With Paris failing in it's third recent bid for the summer Olympics to London of all places, ire was running high. Chirac had been suspiciously gracious in his acceptance of the IOC ballot. The recent ballot by his countryman to reject the new European constitution has left him in a weak position vis-a-vis the British and Blair gloating over the Olympic victory may have caused him to crack

More later, if the Internet over here holds up.

Apparantly, there is going to be a right-whingers cruise in the Caribbean this December. All the usual suspects present and correct plus escorts 'along to ensure that every aspect of your cruise is enjoyable' That sounds fun.

I've got Scott to keep tabs on the exercise and we'll probably plant a couple of our guys aboard.
With any luck, the non-stop right wing tirades from the likes of Andrew Coyne and John O'Sullivan will stimulate the prisoners passengers to find other ways to amuse themselves. Like invading Cuba

What a hoot!

There was a fair share of that from the beginning of the Barrie concert lead off by 'Stompin' Tom Cochrane

I was glad to see his performance was recognized back in Blighty

After suggestions that we are being sidelined, I have come up with the notion that we should link any aid to a reduction in the corruption that runs riot in the dark continent. I have proposed that the inestimable Gomery be given a two to three year sabbatical to investigate the matter. That should raise our standard abroad whilst lessening difficulties locally . We may even unearth some new schemes. It's what Africans do best

Apparantly Bush is suggesting that help given by G8 countries in assisting democracy grow via free and fair elections should be included in the 0.7%. This rationale will enable him to count the hundreds of billions the US military are throwing into Iraq as Foreign Aid

Unfortunately, he was accompanied by the ubiquitous Bono who continued to ruin my day by listing Toronto rather than Barrie as the venue in Canada. The weaselly commentators on CTV who fawned over the U2 performance failed to mention the fact

Mind you, Sheila says Bono has a point. Who has heard of Barrie outside of Ontario

Two of the major topics at the forthcoming G8 conference are Foreign Aid and the Environment. Canadians have always and continue to feel good about themselves on these topics, in spite of having the highest per capita energy consumption of all the countries represented there and backing my resistance to up our level of aid to even 0.3% of GDP

As Dubya would say, "Mission Accomplished"

It got me thinking that it's funny how some names disappear off the face of the earth whilst others don't.
No one with any brains will call their girl Karla anymore and Adolf (Hitler) and Pol(Pot) appear to have disappeared off the face of the earth. On the other hand, Josef (Stalin) is still popular - I guess because it is also the name of the cuckolded father of Jesus

Karla seems to have been a bad choice by Homolka'a M&P anyways. It was the codename of the Russian spymaster in the le Carre novels and Homolka/Teale doesnt even make it to the top spot in Wikipedia - supplanted by Karla Mayer, a guard at three Nazi death camps during the Second World War
Her fate is unknown. I'm betting our Karla is hoping for the same

Which leads me directly to reports that at a recent ball (of the Charity kind), Elton John insisted that guests were not to speak to him until they were spoken to.

Who does he think he is? Adrienne Clarkson!

The election of the hardliner Islamic fundamentalist in Iraq's neighbour appears to placed the latest excuse for invading Iraq, "spreading democracy in the region", into its 'last throes'
Rumsfeld certainly thinks so. His most recent committee appearance brought this gem

On a more parochial note, I hope this surprise election result does not encourage the leader of Toronto's biggest city, David Miller, to re-enter federal politics. When I visited Sheila's room the other day I noticed she had a poster of him on the wall. She said it was just to throw darts at but I'm not so sure. With the Tories in disarray, his good looks and Layton's relative success may mean the NDP becomes a serious force in Ontario next time round

Toronto's stifling heat is guaranteed to produce unseemly sweaty armpits and his visit coincides with the Gay Pride Parade, Damned if he attends and damned if he doesn't - which is apparantly his choice. You won't catch me within 200km of the place and I already have prior arrangements fixed for this particular Sunday a decade ahead

I understand that, if push comes to shove, his fallback position is that his not attending has nothing to do with sexual practice. It's not Gay he's against but Pride - as one of the seven deadly sins. Pretty flimsy, eh.

I do now.

Thankfully, I had already made yet another moving speech I'm working on a DVD of eulogies and plans to set up the first nationwide chain of funeral directors are also proceeding satisfactorily

Anyways I've heard of ivory towers but doesn't he read the press
WE DONT NEED GREWAL ANY MORE

He'll lose all credibility if he keeps letting errant MP's off. On appointment I told him to be evenhanded not gladhanded. It could hardly be easier: Liberals Good; Oppos Bad.

He doesn't help his standing with quotes like

I'll try that defence next time I'm up on a speeding ticket

For somebody who has very little to do or say, I'm surprised that he has an official spokesperson but the unfortunately named Micheline Rondeau-Parent ( I believe this comment has something to do with Michelin tires and the US Grand Prix. Ed.) had this to say when the Sgro report came out

What the hell else would anyone else want to talk to him about?
His views on the upcoming CFL season!

The man's a complete bozo

In a desperate bid to get on the fast track to sainthood before musically much more successful, Bono, Bob Geldof has joined his fellow-paddy in a round of Martin--bashing

Thankfully out of the news for the past 20 years, 'Sir Bob' is using the Live8 concert to bash me with the bete-nore of the family, Lester Pearson ( He defeated Paul Martin snr. in previous Leadership campaign Ed. ) by suggesting we live up to the former-PM's proposal and give 0.7% of GDP as foreign aid, against the 0.26% we gave last year

Not sure my statement

Maybe if I could get Stompin' Tom Connors or Anne Murray onto the Canadian lineup he'd lay off me

Funny thing is, I was thinking along the same lines for my tag as in 'Now Less than Ever' relating to my weight loss. I have almost reached my goal of 155lbs matching the number of seats we will win at the next election (enough for a majority government Ed.)

At the upcoming G8 conference, Blair is being pushed to confront Bush on the issue and I'm just hoping he doesn't shy away from accusing his fellow warmongerer and attack the leader of the country with the highest per-capita energy consumption of those attending which would be, er, me

Last time I spoke to Bush, he appeared totally unconcerened about the issue. Said if anything, he'd found it a bit chillier over the past few years. He then moved on to missile defence before I had a chance to point out that his home state of Texas was considerably nearer the equator than his current abode in Washington, DC

The main fuss is over too many white bands - but I guess the record companies of the world do not have enough good third world artists they wish to promote
Lets see who we could offer er Bryan Adams, Tragically Hip, Barenaked Ladies, Avril Lavigne, Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Sarah McLaughlin... I guess that's why we're called the Great White North.
I might go if Jann Arden is appearing. I might earn a bit of commission by signing the chubby minstrel up to the South Beach diet

It's kind of disappointing that U2 were already scheduled to appear elsewhere. I'm sure the ambitious Joe Volpe could have found a way to enhance his standing with me by stopping Bono at the airport for a few hours so he missed the gig ( The PM has a long-running feud with the lead singer and advocate for Ed.)

Anyways his latest publicity-seeking gesture relates to the federal Ethics Commissioner's decision to include me out of his investigation into the Grewal tapes affair
Broadbent's take

That's my man!

Conservative Deputy Leader, Peter MacKay, also demanded Shapiro quit, weighing in with phrases such as "wet noodle" (ex-girlfriend, Belinda Stronach, can testify that he has a particular reason for using this phrase) and a "toothless anemic chihuahua."
Well, if my predecessor can have his own ethics lapdog (Howard Wilson) why shouldn't I have mine?

The article is so mind-numbingly dull, she might have penned it herself - though I rather doubt it. Of course I receive the obligatory arse-licking treatment but so far into the item hardly anyone will get to it

Certainly the PMO censors must have nodded off before this passage

Kind of suggests that with me at the helm we've lost it. Naughty Naughty Belinda. Time for some discipline

Lighten up (double pun intended). It's the end of term we'll all be off for the summer soon so whats wrong with a few high jinx?

There was a more serious side to my repartee, apart from helping to avoid whatever tricky question I was being asked

• I out-did my predecessor's stunt at the Gomery inquiry- who's got more balls now - and contrasted my relaxed manner with Harper's humourless demeanour
• Highlighted the fact that whilst I'm sipping wine and savouring pate de foie gras at the G8 conference, Harper will be slurping cheap beer and stuffing himself with pancakes with the Non believers of Ontario and Oui voters in Quebec. Statesman versus Steakman
• Brought attention to my new svelte-like figure

The only downside is that Rat Gonads ( Don't ask Ed.) has yet to come through with the money for my piece of product placement. I can see another drawn out negotiation with Americans coming up

The better news is that Pillarella has earned a promotion to the Romanian ambassadorship. Sending new suspected terrorists to Syria is now diplomatically out of the question but we now have an East European alternative we can feel comfortable with

Remember barely six weeks ago when Harper stated that he planned to 'put this government out of its misery'?
Never a truer a word spoken. I think I can speak for my cabinet colleagues in saying we are very happy campers today

In less than two months, the leader of the opposition has almost singlehandedly saved our skins and, with several (was it fourteen I stopped counting) confidence motions survived in a matter of minutes, probably catapulted us into the Guiness Book of Records

Since his 'momentous' statement he has

• Had a blazing row with Belinda Stronach so loud that it could be heard in the PMO - leading to her resulting recruitment to the cause
• Stood behind a patently untrustworthy Gurmant Grewal, a man not only craving a cabinet post for himself and patronage for his wife but also under investigation for extracting money for helping would be immigrants into the country
• Adopted the ludicrous position of comdemning our recent policy initiatives as pork-barelling, whilst still promising to honour them if elected

Maybe soon his famed intellect will finally come to terms with the maxim 'The Liberals are the natural party of government'

It wouldn't surprise me if he put feelers out about a position when I make the next cabinet reshuffle

Honest

Why?

Presumably either because he has some secret to hide or cannot face actually having to do some real work as a provincial premier. His current role, lobbing a few question at me in the House, is pretty cushy

Anyways, a pretty cowardly act. I'll set Jean Lapierre on him. It will be like a dog with a bone

At least that means a, hopefully bitter, contest to head up th PQ. The latest favourite son is openly gay, 39 year old, André Boisclair. He is a fellow-blogger, although has been rather sparse on the entries showing a lack of committment we can stress if he gets elected. His profile is unsurprising. Main interest, Quebec; a highbrow disposition , favouring fellow gays e.g Oscar Wilde, Pedro Almodovar; and a wide range of musical tastes - but thankfully not including U2

His English could do with a bit of work Of course, mangling a language never did a politician any harm (viz. my predecessor) For example

Hard to tie him down on that one!

I'm afraid she has gone soft in the head as I naturally turn my affections away from her and towards the more alluring Belinda

We'll come up with some excuse but it only serves to confirm the obvious. We want an election now

• The Tories are in turmoil with Harper's ineffectiveness showing up more and more
• Gomery is hibernating so no more stories are coming out until his report
• Joe Volpe assures me he can keep the Gruwal saga going
• The long term effects of the Medicare supreme court decision are troubling i.e. we actually have to do something. However, the short term ramifications in terms of allowing us to trumpet ourselves as the party to save Medicare during an election campaign are compelling
• If Duceppe announces that he plans to leave to head the PQ, the Bloc will either have a lame duck leader or a distracting leadership contest. If he stays we can call him a coward
• The polls suggest a majority government is a possibility. Assuming we contrive to get defeated on the budget we have the old double-whammy. Forced to call an election and able to ditch the NDP aspects of the budget when we return to undisputed power

Yesterday they determined that it is unconstitutional to ban private insurance where the public system fails to provide reasonable service It was a 4-3 decison. Which reminds me, where the hell were my two appointments, Rosalie Abella and Louise Charron, while this travesty was taking place. In the powder room? ( The case was before the court prior to their elevation to the bench. Ed. )

As I told the press

And no I did not mean Quebec is free to seperate.

You'ld think the well reimbursed geriatric panel would be on my side on this one but they harped on about waiting lists being a danger to life. Haven't they read the research about 10,000 Canadians dying per annum in hospital as a result of medical error. We're doing the hoi polloi a favour by delaying access to treatment. And how can one be a patient and not wait. It's literally illogical

Looking on the bright side, we can make the next election about this rather than Gomery. We can champion Medicare and accuse the Tories of wanting to lead us down the route of the, much more expensive and less encompassing, US model
Hopefully, no-one will point out that our costs outstrip virtually every other country in the world and our system is only ranked 30th by the UN - edged out of the 29th position by Morocco!

The trial continues Oct. 4 and 5 in Ottawa. Part of me hopes she gets off. Anyone who could cuckold the vain Pierre has to have my admiration

So that is why I met the families of the victims of the Air India tragedy yesterday Another misstep by a distracted Tim Murphy when he booked it for an airport hotel but I think my reaction, aided by copious quantities of saline solution to bring on the tears and invisible earplugs to avoid their countless tales of woe, went down well

Literally true. Literally true.
I threw in a couple of 'very very's', scoffed a samosa and job well done

I've agreed to follow it up by a trip to guiness-land for their annual memorial ceremony. That will give me a chance to reinforce to Bob Rae that his independent investigation must not end in a public inquiry. I threw in a stat holiday as one more sop which should see this particular problemo laid to rest

The timing couod not have been better. Sikhs have been embarrassed, as well they should be, by the whole Grewal saga and this courtesy will just encourage them to return en masse to the Liberal cause

Bingo!

Now it appears that they share terrorist tendencies

Pat O'Brien (Liberal turned Independent. Ed. ) has now joined the list of no-name MP's who have recently sold their soul for a day in the limelight including , and I need my notes to remind me of them, Inky Mark, Gurmant Grewal and David Kilgour. Of course, Chuck Cadman voted for us on principle so he should not be included with this notorious bunch

Looking at his pitiful resume, apart from the same sex issue his only interests appear to be forging closer ties with Ireland (no doubt hoping for some publicly-funded trips to visit the family) and the creation of another public holiday! Good god man as if career backbenchers don't have an easy enough time of it anyways without looking for more time off

Anyways he's set on the issue and this is one I could not back down on If we don't pass this bill people will be questioning what exactlyhas been achieved in my first year plus. Fuck All ( Unintentional humour Ed )

I gave him the whole "if God hadnt intended us to commit sodomy why did he put the orifices so close together" line but he wasnt buying

It reminds me of my teenage years when I was wrestling with the demon of 'bashing the bishop' During a confession I suggested that if God was against the practice why did he make our arms exactly the right length? "Temptation" was the reply
The priest then offered to give me some one on one counselling which in the light of subsequent events in the Catholic Church, I'm glad I did not take him up on

Also don't want to be a persona no grata down the line if by chance there are checks at the border

I usually only involve myself in provincial politics when it comes to handing out the largesse but I hope federal Tories appreciate the significance of Bernad Landry's resignation. The Quebec Liberals under Charest are a disaster but they were still given a fighting chance at the next vote with Landry heading the PQ.
At the federal level, things could hardly be going worse for us but with Harper at the helm...

Why encourage removal of the hapless Harper, you may ask? Well in Duceppe, the PQ have a ready-to-be-acclaimed leader. In contrast, the federal Tories have no good candidates and would probably split again with a left-right internecine warfare between Mackay and Kenney factions.

An amazing article in the Toronto Star today from David Olive

It starts by linking Harper with disgraced politician Richard Nixon via a quote "Look at that face, that hateful face." and continues in the same vein

Normally I would be affronted that an article of such an unceasing bile ever got printed in Canada's top-selling newspaper but, hey, when the ends justify the means

On other scandals, I got away this comment on the Grewal tape when referring to Murphy and Dosanjh

In fact, Homolka was on my mind just last night. Luckily, I managed to convince Sheila that the word I actually emitted at the time of (ahem) emission was 'Darling' not 'Karla'.

The poor thing has been subject to the predictable hatchet job by journalists who might have saved her from all this if they had tracked down the Scarborough rapist aka Paul Bernardo before they became man and wife

I wonder just how many prisoners who aided the authorities have had to serve a full 12 years of a manslaughter conviction and then be subject to restrictions on her release. Precious few I'm guessing but don't expect any hack to discover the answer. The suggestion she is likely to persistently reoffend is ludicrous. Just how many more sister does she have?!

Of course, I do not wish to become publicly involved in her case and hope her lawyers dont realise that the threat she is under is purely because as a woman she is supposed to be more caring. There are some subjects I don't want to become Charter issues thank you very much

His idea for a bonding session with aboriginal leaders at yesterday's cabinet retreat was a paintball competition which he crassly labelled "Cowboys versus Injuns"

He'd already ordered a supply of white hats for the good guys - from a Liberal friendly retailer, of course

The main story line here is actually that having lost the young, feminine adherents a la Belinda, the ethnic new canadian's viz. Grewal are also on the run from that bunch of opposition no-hopers

However, as a security measure, in future any potential Tory rats will be checked for wires. A shame that policy wasn't in place when I was discussing options with Belinda. I may not have found out if she was a wooden horse but at least, aptting her down, I'd have got a woody!

So JC let me get this straight
In the proceedings it now is too late
But it's also too early
A discrepancy surely
Have you lost your marbles, old mate

-------------

Pretty convenient for Bill Graham that the Americans refuse to testify at the Arar enquiry, as he was able to lump the blame on ex-Ambassador Celluci and Colin Powell.
Before they accept the ex-Upper Canada College student' view that Arar wasnt mistreated, they might also like to check out his sex-toy collection I have a feeling his definition of torture is unnaturally narrow

As the well educated of you will know, Bono is short for Bona Vox a brand of hearing aid, relating to his deafness caused by too many live concerts

The dark glasses confirm his less than 20-20 vision (no doubt brought on by ingestion of Viagra in a fruitless attempt by the 45 year old to satisfy groupies)

But he is now acting completely DUMB
In an excruiatingly arse-licking Times column, the political wannabe expounds on various world leaders he's met
On Bush:
"As a man, I believed him when he said he was moved to also do something about the Aids pandemic He was very funny and quick. Just quick-witted he has a religious instinct that keeps him humble. It has to be said that most of the people in the cabinet are not religious extremists. I am discovering how much respect I have for people who stay true to their convictions"
Well thats some relief. Does that mean, say, 40% are?

On Jesse Helms:
"I found him to be a beautiful man...It was a great irony for me to find myself feeling such affection for this old cold warrior."
That would be for the world's longest living white supremacist

On Clinton:
"At one point I had sent him a letter (about debt cancellation). Gene ( Chief Economic Adviser, Gene Sperling. Ed) was called up to the top cabin in Air Force One, and the president was screaming at him at the top of his voice, pointing at my letter, going:'Why aren't we doing this?'
Probably because Bill had told him not to

On Putin:
"Putin was an expert. He was meticulously turned out, not a nose hair out of place, obviously a very big brain, and very charming."

On his favourite politician:
"It would have to be Gorbachev, a genuinely soulful man"
The man's a communist for heaven's sake!

On Me:
Zilch. Nada. Not one boiled potato.
And after all I've done to further his career. Ungrateful wretch

The latest poll suggests we might even end up with a majority in an election, an election that would be fast approaching if she had not defected. Looking back, MacKay's sob story has a ring of deceit to it and everyone is always saying how clever Harper is. Could Machiavellian Martin have been out-foxed?

I'm tempted to call Gomery up, confess I was behind adscam and tell him to wind things up immediately. I'll even give him the conclusion

The Liberals are a thieving bunch of lying scumbags

My guess is that would shave one percent off our share of vote at the very most

Actually the study is full of holes: the participants were aware of the investigation and entered data themselves; the conclusions reached contradicted the evidence as more blacks than whites stopped were finally charged, suggesting an even higher stopping rate for them would be appropriate; and the actual guilt or innocence of the people involved was completely ignored!

Be that as it may, it's a useful card to play as mobster Morselli told the Gomery inquiry in his 'Mafiosa are from Messina - Victims from Venice' apologia. His good buddy 'Don' Gagliano could have learnt a bit from that. His attempt to help gag Gomery was laughed out of court the other day. However, all he had to do was point out that the commission was only calling witnesses with French or Italian backgrounds and his case would have become overwhelmingly stronger

This time the quitter ( He withdrew from the leadership race of Liberal Party handsomely won by the PM. Ed and Yankee groupie has been promulgating the view that we cannot sell to the US without falling in line with their security demands
As he says,

Contrast this with my well-received speech yesterday to Toronto financiers where I explained away our pact with the NDP

Belinda who caused a stir at the meeting (and not just within the bankers' nether-regions) put it succintly

Fiscal claptrap of course but she knows that Canadians lap that 'promising the world' stuff up

And it's why her chances of leading the Liberal party when I decide to retiire are about 100 times those of the colourless Manley

Arar is bleating that the documents should be released as, contrary to our claims, they do not impact National Security

This is a good indication of why the Assyrian culture faded whilst Greek influence continues to this day. Unlike any third-grader, or even Belinda Stronach for that matter, people from that part of the world seem to have trouble understanding logic

1. If we release details, they will show that a Liberal government supports torture of its citizens
2. Namby-Pamby voters will vote Conservative/Bloc in the next election
3. A referendum will be held and Quebeckers will vote to leave Canada

Another point about Arar I've noticed is that he appears to suffer from a total lack of humour
Apparantly when CSIS met Syrian officials less than half-way through his incarceration they told them that he was not a security risk with the words "we have no interest in Arar". The Syrians mistakenly thought that meant we didn't want him back

Farcical! But not even a twitch of a smile from the miserable Maher

Labrador - like the dog, dim but loyal - returned a Liberal which eases pressure in the House. Mostly Metis - like the returned candidate -, the Labradorians still hold Tory PM, Sir John A McDonald, responsible for the death of their Albertan cousin Louis Riel over a century ago.
A sly reference to that in all speeches helped ensure that the majority signed the ballot in the right square

Apparantly the royal couple were spitting nails over

• Bad weather
• Trip limited to Alberta and Saskatchewan
• Edmonton highlight a bug museum
• Ralph Klein nearly poking HRH in eye with umbrella
• More bad weather
• Klutzy Klein walking in front of HRH - a definite no-no

Some attempt at regulation has been attempted in BC, but this appears a bit heavy handed and not something I would want to be linked to

So I came up with a much better ruse. My staff have been busy sending obscene and personally offensive comments to leading right wing blogs under assumed names posing as white supremacists

One of my leading critics spent several hours trying to expunge our work and the backlash it caused before throwing his hands up and banning comments His readership and influence are bound to wane

One down - more to come

One person has been killed and at least 49 injured in bomb blasts at cinema in Delhi

I don't know what was showing but you can guarantee that it wasn't one by either of Canadian's auteurs Cronenberg or Egoyan. They'd die to get that big an audience at a showing of one of their films

Neither of their latest movies - full of sex and violence - managed to pick up even one of the many prizes handed out at the just-ended Cannes Film Festival
They will no doubt both be back at the subsidy trough again soon. No country supports failure more than Canada

Runour has it that the second visit has nothing to do with his pancreatic problems. Apparantly, he was watching Belinda on TV stating that he, as her VCF (Very Close Friend. One of a seemingly limitlessless number. Ed), endorsed her switch to our party. This caused him to choke on some poutine and he was only found by wife Mila several hours later, after she returned from a shopping trip, mouthing the words "I could have got away with so much more"

You have probably already seen the publicity photo

No shirt, No shoes
and I don't know where I am goin' to.
Birthday suit,white Y's,
I don't need a reason why.
They come runnin' just as fast as they can
coz every girl crazy 'bout a well-hung man.

You have to be impressed with his workmanship. If our washing machine ever breaksdown, I want him doing time at 24 Sussex

• Winning the party leadership
• Securing most seats at an election
• Defeating a no-confidence motion

Perhaps that is why I got a bit giddy in my post-vote speech

I hope no-one points out it's the NDP vision of Canada
and

Somewhat surprisingly, none of my fellow G8 leaders has called for advice yet. Must be a time-zone thing
In fact, the only call I have had on the subject was from Zimbabwe's President Mugabe. He said that during my tenure as Prime Minister we had already set the standards and that was the only thing that allowed him to sleep at night
That was kind of him. I think

One delightful rumour going the rounds which I am happy for posterity to savour is that Sheila cught the delectable Belinda and myself in our bout of late-night discourse and a hastily-formed explanation was required

With the PM she wanted to score
Without being labelled a whore
When caught'in flagrante'
In a nightie too scanty
Her defence "I'm just crossing the floor"

The idea that is that we offer preferment to a no-name Tory foot-soldier whose only reason for being in Parliament is to help their brazen attempts to hijack our historically-guaranteed Asian vote. As an Indian, he is also used to the culture of bribery. Indeed, it also has the added bonus of bringing back into focus the accusation that he has been asking $50,000 to help immigrant applications

His claim that we offered him a cabinet post, although technically correct, is so unbelievable as to be laughable and thus aids our suggestion that it was he who approached us.
We also cunningly offered him an overseas post whilst his wife was expected to languish here in the Senate - hence speading more personal discord a la Stronach/MacKay

As an aside, a quick visit to his web site shows a rigged survey question in favour of supporting Dubya's Star Wars plan. He may want to pull that now that after the complete fiasco of their land-based trials the Americans are indeed planning the Weaponisation of Space.

My decision to keep us out of this one looks better day by day

The coup de teatre I presented at Belinda Stronach and my press conference had even the hill-hacks gasping with admiration and laughing at my every 'bon mot'. They even saw the funny side of my appointing as the sort of ethical standard bearer of the Party (part of her responsibilities will be to help implement Gomery recommendations. Ed) someone who was privy to the Conservatives election strategy at the same time as negotiating a cabinet post in exchange for crossing the house

As is common knowledge now, the Tories are doing everything possible to lose the vote Thursday so they can back out of an election.
If they hadn't desperately grabbed at the pairing option they would be the ones praying that their cancer patients died - to avoid further suffering (yeah right)
They will then be forced to have an election headed by a leader who cannot keep his liberal wing on side and a deputy who obviously cannot satisfy a woman physically. The electorate will be really impressed by the thought of that duo representing Canada.
My other masterstroke has been our efforts to make Parliament unworkable so that the last thing the electorate want is a repeat minoroty government of any shade. It would take a large swing to give the Tories sole power and the polls show they can't do it so I predict the voters will move to us in droves - if you can use that word with a 30% turnout!

In the event we win the Budget vote, we are still in power and Harper has been defeated. Belinda was not the only overly-ambitious Tory I have flattered in the past few weeks and with a wounded leader, it won't be long before the Jason Kenney's and Monte Solberg's of this world turn on him and each other leading to another fractured party. Roll on the Gomery report +30 days

As far as Belinda goes, I'm hopeful that she really is into the power couple thing and needs someone to replace the jilted Peter McKay in her affections. Modest as I am, there is only one person that can provide that in the Liberal party.....
Sheila will have to understand that that's just the way the world turns. She can do Tea and Sympathy with fellow 60-something, Judy Sgro

However, in the unlikely event I have misjudged her over-weening ambition I cunningly selected a marginal seat for her to stand in so that the foaming-at-the-mouth Conservatives will throw everything into defeating her.
This has two ramifications. Firstly, they will have less resources to spend elsewhere and secondly, if BS does not come across then I'm afraid its only token support for her
She will have served her purpose

It has been a little surprising that we have managed to keep it so quiet. She is virtually a soulmate of mine and the only MP who comes close to matching my business success. Clearly unhappy with losing the leadership election, she has also seduced the Tories deputy leader Peter McKay and he now knows its no-nooky unless he quits the Tories as well

Belinda and I had to keep our trysts secret but we always had an alibi in that she was going to be my right hander on 'The Apprentice' version I have previously discussed.

Actually as the Tories are now in complete disarray, I can probably leave the government to run itself and continue development of the pilot show

Of course, in Canada we would never go so far as to wipe out 700 protestors who would stop at nothing to bring down the government.

But in my dreams...Let's see 99+54 = 153 would be sufficient

A great burst of applause ensued without a heckler in sight and all gushingly covered by Laurie Graham of the CBC

As a spiritual man, I always keep a copy of the Bible in the washroom as reading matter for visiting ponderous poopers. The pressures of the job mean that, on occasion, I am quite literally shitting myself and if Sheila has forgotten to keep us well stocked with the two-ply, there is only one solution at hand...

The child care deal in Newfoundland gave me the opportunity to lay into a couple of Tory MP's for not supporting our budget. Both of them saw their share of the vote drop dramatically last time out and a 3% swing will see them fall

Slipped up a bit on the Darfur front. The Sudanese ambassador says her country will not allow Canadian troops into the region so I might as well have agreed to Kilgour's request for 500 troops - well make it 499 to show who's boss.

Still a promise to the Canadian Cancer society should bring sufferer Chuck Cadman onside and a gratuitous comment about Dubya will confirm Carolyn Parrish's support so all is not lost

Well as luck would have it best-selling author Senator Romeo Dallaire was standing right behind me when I announced the aid for Sudan's Darfour region
It was a win win situation for me.
Some people regard him as one of the greatest living Canadians as depicted on screen by no less a personage than Nick Nolte. A soldier unafraid to show his emotions and care for the people of Rwanda.
Others of us recognize that he meekly represented the UN as they did fuck all during the greatest genocide of the second half of the 20th century. After that, ignoring House of Commons 'no consequence' votes is small beer

That should be enough to get currently-Independent ex-Liberal, ex-Tory, David Kilgour onside for the vote Though the miserable bastard hardly gave my announcement a ringing endorsement. Just because I dropped him from the Government - the first thing I did after announcing Gomery, actually.
I'll threaten him with the ambassadorship to Sudan if he doesn't toe the line. He could hardly refuse after associating himself with the country so much. He can see how an evangelical Christian fares in a radical Islamic country at first hand (heh-heh)

When we first moved into 24 Sussex, I gave Sheila what I thought would be an ideal present, Etiquette For Dummies ($1:75 used) For that I got no sex for the month - though, I suppose, the two are not necessarily connected

Anyways, it seems she has been studying diligently and insists on trying out her newly learnt skills on the Queen. A less charitable reason is that she is sick of Aline Chretien telling her how many times she has met the old bird - reminiscent of my predecessor's boasts of the number of his audiences with Pope JPII.
Hence the delay in the budget/no confidence vote until the 19th. She has a point too. If we were defeated prior to that date, who would meet the plane. Someone has to greet her otherwise she will fall over as she instinctively puts out her hand. A good impression of the late Pope's foible but an impression on the Royal Family almost as bad as letting Saskatchewan's premier, Lorne Calvert, do the honours

Anyways, Judy was in fine form. It was just like old days though I see her 'frienships' now extend to some members of the Opposition
I'm sure she understood that a when a minority is involved (and they don't come much rarer than an Indian selling pizza) the facade of an investigation had to be undertaken. Even if he was a lying Hindu, pizza-wallah.

Of course, the voting fiasco goes on. Poor old Harper. Even when he wins, we change the rules. I'm hoping he'll get so angry that the electorate just cannot see how he will be able to deal with foreign leaders who pay scant attention to laws or procedures, starting with our friend down south

Seriously, I'ts not fair that I'm getting all the flak for arriving a day late for the VE celebrations. How about blaming the allies for declaring peace a day early

Anyways I had my own decleration of War to perform on Sunday as in opening the War Museum The speech had already been written and the TV crews arranged so I could hardly dip out of that

Not sure what to make of the TV coverage of our dismounting the plane on arrival in the Netherlands. I do wish Sheila would try and keep up and she looked so frumpy. I hear Harper's wife kept her out of the powder room throughout the descent. Still on the bright side, Duceppe was alone - is he gay? - and Layton and Chow did their giggly hand-in-hand routine which I'm sure makes most right thinking Canadians want to vomit

He had it on good authority that the women are still extremely grateful to Canadians for their liberation from the Nazi jackboot and are willing to show it in the time-honoured fashion often two at a time - hence the expression 'Double Dutch'

Anyway it turns out his information was half right-half wrong

The good news. The women are as open to offering sex as they were in 1945
The bad news. It's the same women proffering their wares. Eighty years old if they're a day

The Dutch girls are willing, no wonder
The Canucks tore the Nazis asunder
My dear old Pop
Went over the top
But I get to go 'Down Under'

Well at least i would have done if Sheila hadn't insisted on coming

However, this campaign did not include Manitoba MP Inky Mark, who somehow seems to have got the wrong end of the stick

Mark's internet bio includes the following gem

Just the sort of person we want representing the Opposition. In fact he is so bad at speaking that he failed to name the person who had proffered him a plum job. I'm thinking the most likely explanation is that of the 'Klan' called him and asked why he didn't go back to where he came from. He misinterpreted that as an offer of the ambassadorship for China!

His embarassment was saved by our resident clown, Reg Cockup (Treasury Board President Reg Alcock.Ed.) If you'd ever had the misfortune of coming across Reg's hirsute appearance in the Common's showers you would know that his unfortunate comment about Mark's claims

is a great example of a gorilla calling a chimp, simian

That was nice of them especially as the truth is it was independent MP David Kilgour who got me to cough up millions in the form of military personnel, equipment and finacial aid for the Sudan's war-torn Darfur region

In normal times an independent MP is as powerful as a guppy in a sea pf piranhas but here he completely outdid Ontario's premier Dalton McGuinty who settled for $5.75 billion over five years, less than 5% of what he was demanding

At last, someone I can out-negotiate

The latest Quebecker on the stand (Michel Béliveau, director-general of the Liberal Party's Quebec wing from 1996 to 1998. Ed.) fessed up to channelling cash from my predecessor's buddy Corriveau to the local Liberal party. Luckily with this kicker

Interesting correspondence between the two inquiries
The accident on the Chicoutimi happened because they needed to fix a loose nut prior to undertaking a critical procedure
On Adscam, my predecessor had a nut loose when he thought the next critical vote would lead to seperation

Let's hope the parallels don't end there. I can only hope that Gomery's conclusion matches that of Vice-Admiral Bruce MacLean

However, it took me by surprise that according to a recent interview Tony Blair has a problem with excessive night urination admitting to going five times a night
Even after a couple of drinks, I don't suffer that much and wouldn't dream of telling anyone if I did

I got a passing mention when he suggested that former head of (screwing the) Public Works, Alfonso 'Don' Gagliano asked me and John Manley to ensure that a particular agency could keep their nose in the trough

The Opposition and baying bloggers are having to rely on a disgraced politician, Gagliano, a duplicitous liar, Guite, and a dead man, Pierre Tremblay, Gagliano's former chief of staff, as their witnesses. And their best bet is the dead man

It was pretty easy to produce a statement refuting the allegations

I hardly think any of the interested parties are going to rat. My predecessor can hardly change course from his 'total denial' mode and Manley would completely scupper his vain ambitions to lead the party if he came clean

Even if one of them does crack, I can always point to the language used. When the Don told me what he needed, I jumped. No way does that merit the word 'discussion'.

Ms Clarkson (I wonder what her husband thinks about her keeping her former husband's name) a bizarre appointment of my predecessor is obviously clearly miffed at us cutting back on her regular foreign jaunts with her 'pals'. She is now appears to be spending money on grotesque hats

So now the 7,600 Canadians who were killed in the Netherlands know what they died for. So that a Chinese woman could become Commander-in-Chief of the Canadian Forces and wear haute couture at their rememberance services. I could almost hear the sound of graves spinning back here

On a brighter note, I have convinced the leaders of all opposition parties to attend the final ceremony next Monday. At such short notice, the cheapest first class flights from Ottawa to Amsterdam cost $12,000 and take around 15hrs. If any of them want a lift in my Challenger jet, I can probably tap them up for 20 grand apiece. Cha-ching

So who do they bring out to counter hockey legend Ken Dryden, a man who now looks as though h'ed have trouble travelling between the posts of a hockey goal and whom I can't trust to make public announcement on his own porttfolio.
How about Wayne Gretzky. Afraid not

Or who would outgun Ujjal Dosanjh, a former provincial premier who had no response to a heckler when giving TV interviews last week.
How about ex Newfoundland premier, Brian Tobin, a man with such naked ambition that he would switch sides without any compunction but who has more charisma in his little toe than Harper has in his whole body. Wrong again

No. The Tories trot out Peter Kent. Like me you are probably asking Peter who?
I had to look him up on the web. At first I thought he must be the North Vancouver actor and great buddy of Arnold Schwarzenegger or maybe the author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Internet. Uh-huh

Turns out he's an ex-autocue reader who got bumped from the CBC twenty years ago. According to his bio at canada.com

As star candidates go he's a true white dwarf

I contacted the inventor of the diet Rat Gonads (Dr Agatson. The PM believes anagrams reveal the truth about oneself. Ed) to see if this bit of free publicity would get me on his TV show, "Life on the Beach" but he said they preferred their participants to have reached their 'Before' weight prior to including them. Damn cheek!

Anyways, he seems my kind of guy. Get this

It could almost be me talking

We had someone on from Harper's office yesterday, plaintively requesting that even if they forced an election in the Spring and I stayed as Prime Minister that I stick to my commitment to have another vote immediately after Gomery's final report He even quoted the relevant section of my statement

I haven't laughed so much in weeks

According to Saturday's Toronto Star

Well, well, well. Perhaps they are making overtures to Showcase for a reality show if the election results don't pan out

I'm beginning to wonder if the unapologetic pensioner understands the physical mechanics of homosexuality when he comes out with pearls like this

I always had to 'turn my back' when I was a confused adolescent at school

For some reason, he thinks an unelected non-resident can impact Government policy when in actual fact it takes a party with a minimum of 6% of the seats to effect that

Even he might get the message soon though. The Globe & Mail chronicled his discomfort when he asked fans from a sell-out conceret to support his virtually one-man campaign to embarrass me into backtracking on my renege

He then proceeded to flash up a phone number which he thought was that of the PMO. In fact it transferred to a 1-900 number. If anybody does call - which now seems doubtful - we leave them waiting (a Liberal Government trait) until they hang up in disgust. Meanwhile we've chalked up a nice little earner

Thank Bozo!

Bit surprised to hear that he appears to be a radical on social issues. I think I heard the CBC saying he went to a school that doesn't believe in mixed marriages. Not even sure Svend Robinson would go that far (Spot of confusion here. He went to Bob Jones University , which until recently banned mixed-RACE dating. Ed)

Anyways, I'd better to invite him over to 24 Sussex, probably for a prayer breakfast Still he was a chief fundraiser for Dubya. Maybe now the US dollar is so weak he will want to earn a bit of extra cash by providing us with some advice - previous avenues having been temporarily blocked

He is setting out his infallibility stall by refusing to say sorry for the war in Iraq and insisting that he never lies.

The voters don't believe him - apparantly his pants-on-fire whoppers are called the Blare Flare - but his party leads in the polls by nine points and is coasting to victory on the back of a reliable and beloved finance minister.

Does any one sense a parallel, here

Harper is no longer listening to Canadians because he has heard what they are saying

So his excuse for an election now is that our deal with the NDP is

Well he must have come to the House even less than me. And this from a man forming an alliance with a party committed to breaking up Canada. He then went on to garble an anecdote which he mistakenly attributed to Winston Churchill instead of George Bernard Shaw.

The poor guy must now be realising what I meant when I said we need to keep surpluses to help in time of National Crisis. In this case polls showing the PC could form a majority government

I almost pity all those Conservative MP's trudging around the constituency to be met by the constant refrain of "he's making Parliament work" and "its only a few more months". Harper's advisers must be working full-time on his back-down-from-an-election-threat speech

As for the longer term. No worries. The NDP have averaged around 14% of the poll in the past 14 elections and are clearly regarded as a protest vote. The thought that they might actually influence governement will scare a good proportion of their voters back into our fold. And giving 'big-business' the perception of a bloody-nose never hurt any party especially now the contributions they can give the Tories have been curtailed under the Canada Elections Act. We can always appease them when we get back to the status quo of a majority Liberal government.

'Machiavellian' Martin strikes again

Of course what's small to an Afro-American is large to a Chinaman. Unlike my personal familiarity with Prince Charles's appendage, I have no way of knowing if Jack Layton's extremities match his petit size. Unfortunately, he took the Asian route when he got married.

Poor, ex-Montreal Canadien, Ken Dryden has proven to be a complete puck-head who clearly played at a time when there was little or no protective gear. Opposing forwards may have struggled to get past him but provincial ministers seem to have no trouble out-dukeing the Minister of Social Development

I'm no sports fan, but was told he would make a great star candidate both as a man of intellectual capacity as writer of what is regarded as the greatest book on the NHL ever written by a former player and business acumen as President of the Toronto Maple Leafs. It was only after I had elevated him to the Cabinet and struggled through the first few pages of 'The Game' that I realised that he must have been the only ex-player who had ever published. I also found out that his tenure at the Maple leafs had seen him oversee a continuing decline in the clubs fortunes in spite of spending obscene amounts of money and he was manouvered out of his position by his coach (shades of things to come)

With no hockey in Montreal and the baseball Expos having just departed, politics is the only game in town The Montreal Gazette, in spite of bloopers such as stating that Gomery is due to report initially in September, seems to be the only read out there. So my only real hope is that the NHL negotiations carry on and I can send Ken Dryden out there to mediate.

At the worst, it will rid me of an incompetent. At best he may be around when the twos sides reach agreement. Then I'll share the glory with him

I was studiously avoiding Harper and Layton, who had both somehow infiltrated the VIP tent, when a turban clad gentleman tugged on my arm. Assuming he was the cabbie who had driven me from the hotel, and whom I had inadvertently (ahem) forgotten to tip, I surreptitiously slipped him a note.

His response
"Don't try and buy us with $5 of your dirty money"
Turns out he was one of the top religious sikhs the meeting was in honour of

Still not sure whether he was upset by the principle or the amount

We had a brief chat but all he really wanted to talk about was his personal life. He asked me about his moustache, which apparantly his wife, Olivia Chow, insists he keeps for a reason I cannot divulge in a public forum. Suffice to say he has to live up to her name. The similarly-hirsute politicians it brings to mind are Saddam, Hitler, Stalin and Neville Chamberlain (put him in a wing collar and he could be the younger brother of the infamous peacemongerer). All offputting associations for voters so I said keep it

He's obsessed with keeping Ms Chow out of Parliament otherwise she'll move up to Ottawa with the whole family, including the mother-in-law
I only preach multi-culturism. He has to practice it Poor sod

Anyways, he's grateful that I've given a ministerial appointment to the Liberal MP who defeated her in the last election but I fear his providing the NDP votes for this justifiable motive is only putting off the evil day for him

No it's not for practicing what I preach on same-sex, it's that self-appointed "pain-in-my-ass", Bono

He has been rattling on about how I have reneged on the committment I made for 0.7% of GDP for Foreign Aid - neglecting to take account of all the worldwide jaunts I have made which properly should be charged to that account

A more plausible explanation for his bile is that he knows that I have rumbled his status as a power groupie. His PR put out that our erstwhile cosy relationship was an attempt by me to attract the youth vote. More likely he hoped that my hyping of his latest CD would help sales. Well sorry, Paddy, but I'm a Jim Reeves man myself

He even had the temerity to call me a 'good man' knowing full well that since Dubya anointed that moniker on John Bolton, the obseqious bully he wants as US Ambassador to the UN, it's the number one insult

So sorry sunshine but that picture of us on my official site is definitely going, probably

The obvious choice would have been "Give Me Just A Little More Time" by, most appositely, 'The Chairman of the Board'

We haven't known each other too long
But the feeling I have is oh so strong
I know we can make it there's no doubt
We owe it to ourselves to find it out

Definitely a keeper for the CD though

You can find a transcript here and I plan to offer signed copies on the forthcoming book tour election campaign. For a fee of course
But modest by Barry Bonds's standards. And I don't take steroids!

Now it comes to buy off or bump off. I'm hopeful it doesn't come to the latter, though of course the Liberal National interest must come first. I'm morally committed to that

But I think he's susceptible to a bribe. Firstly, he's a Quebecker. Secondly, he's been subjected to a trail of witnesses who have got rich quick for doing F*** all. He must be envious and want a piece of the action.

I'm anticipating a Whitewash a la the Hutton enquiry in the UK ( In spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Lord Hutton found Tony Blair squeaky clean on the Iraq war issue. Ed.

It's a shame there are no Liberal grandees who could lean on my predecessor to 'fess up for the sake of the Party. But that bastard will never admit he was wrong

This means that if I decide the best pitch is an a capella rendition of my updated version of the National Anthem it will lead nicely into the Blue Jays v Yankees game which starts 7:07 pm on Sportsnet.

That should ensure no-one watches the oppositions' responses

I have been working - well what else am I supposed to do at those interminable memorial services I attend - on a Canadian equivalent of Donald Trump's 'The Apprentice'. It's a sure-fire winner so I thought I would provide a teaser for it by announcing some details on all the TV stations , which will have the added advantage of getting them into a bidding war for the series. I wasn't planning to give the whole format away but would probably have introduced my catchphrase to match The Apprentice's "You're fired"
It's "Tender your resignation and I will accept it" Donald, consider yourself trumped

Of course, in todays atmosphere, I have kept this project pretty tight to my chest with even the PMO out of the loop. Maybe that was a mistake. When I asked them to book the time, they made an assumption that it was about the sponsorship scandal I don't know why, I know nothing about it as I have testified

By the time I had corrected them it was too late. To add to my problems, my voice has gone from all the yelling at Question Time. I have even had to miss a few sessions, unfortunately So the conversation I had with the hard-of-hearing Amy Butcher (a spokeswoman for the Prime Minister's Office. Ed.) to explain what I was now going to have to address caused more problems
Amy: Are you going to back all your criminal friends
PM: I have never been pro rogues
Amy: But you have a plan to extricate Canada from its banana republic status
PM : This solution is out of my hands

Somehow got out to be a statement

So what the hell can I say?

According to my life expectancy tables he has eight years to go. I will still be in the prime of life then. Making the assumption that the decline in church influence continues, the reactionary cardinals will be looking for someone tagged as a liberal but with conservative tendencies

Also they will want to spring a surprise to deny claims that they are unimaginative. When the choice comes down to selecting a third-world cardinal or a new world statesman where do you think the votes of Old European White Males is going to go?

Plus they can blame it on the will of God

I'm not so sure. I think they have already made the decision but the new Pope has got all the cardinals to burn any incriminating papers relating to JP II

Rituals don't allow for office shredders

Not sure how it helps with the election. He'll have to reduce the wait time from five years to five weeks to have any impact. Also it's just storing up problems for the future. The last thing our health system needs is more geriatrics from Guangzhou

And they call me 'Mr Dithers'?!

Better check there are no acquisition proposals for suits of armour and crossbows still hanging around in the Defence Department

One of Canada's hopeful's, Marc Ouellet, urged his fellow voters to ignore innuendo and listen to God's spirit. That's a sign that the rumours we've planted about him have taken root

Well all's fair in love and war. Selection of a Canadian now would completely spike my chances of election next time up

I'm guessing we'd have to protest that the Conservatives would undermine the Clarity Act - a piece of legislature that all but condemns Quebeckers to staying in Canada unless they dust off their muskets and undertake a successful military campaign to secede

There are a couple of problems with putting my support behind the Act though
Firstly, we would be relying on what my predecessor regarded as his crowning glory in the legislature. I know I know. Hardly compares with same-sex legislation does it
Secondly, Scott Reid (PMO Head of Communications, aka Moi. Ed) termed it the Obscurity Act in an article he wrote. Potentially, that could be some awkward questions in the House Fortunately, his piece was in the National Post so the chances of anyone seeing it are pretty remote

In my view even if we do lose we're still up 2-1 (Quebeckers voted No in 1980 and 1995. ed.). The least we should do is agree to make it the best of five

Trust them to get the wrong end of the stick. I lied about it not because I was worried about being connected with Boulay but rather that I had had lunch. Sheila has been worried about my weight for several years and I had promised to stick to just breakfast and dinner

Not sure she believed me either as she's purchased a new set of scales for 24 Sussex. I'm being weighed out and in on a regular basis from now on

No I'm talking about personal gain - in case the election goes badly - via my planned TV series (still under wraps) and product placement

Product placement you ask. How so?
Well as you know I'm a great fan of Tony Valeri. Anyone who can beat the crap out of cops ( Presumably the PM's 'sense of humour', Valeri defeated Martin's leadership- rival Sheila Copps to be successful Liberal candidate in Hamilton East. Ed.) is all right by me

However, you can see why even his parents call him Scary-Valeri. Those bulging eyes and pointed teeth... Let's put it this way, I'm not planning on attending any late night sessions with his mouth 10 cms from the back of my neck

And that's the point - "you can see". Every Question Time, there he is behind me getting publicity just by smiling at my witty ripostes. So we've negotiated reasonable terms based on viewing figures. Likewise with Marlene Jennings - my Parliamentary Secretary and a woman whose first child came after eighteen years of marriage - who sits behind him and is one of the great approval-nodders

Nice little earner and I'm sure I can up the rate now. Long Live Election Fever!

It is this last conviction that is under threat from the Gomery inquiry and the probable future election. If we get turfed out, there will be an assumption that pork-barrelling and other forms of corruption will need to be cleaned up. If we maintain a minority government, Canadians will have shown that they can live with the status quo

I am therefore proposing to Harper that he repeats his disappearing trick from the last election and helps us get returned to power with a reduced number of seats. Heaven knows, we'll cock something up so badly - like losing Quebec or the US closing its borders - that his lot will get in next time round. But not on the understanding that they have to purify the system

Hope he buys it. Failing that, I'm really in the shit

In this instance it was the Coriveau evidence - such as it was - at the Gomery inquiry. In spite of playing the Amnesia card he did acknowledge that Jean Chretien's adopted son had worked for him. Michael Chretien is best known as a sex offendor - sometimes he gets convicted sometimes he gets off.

What was interesting is that this happened the day after even better known pervert, Karla Homolka, was back in the news as restrictions on her when she is released are being mentioned. So the question is why not adopt her? Or at least restrict her movements to 24 Sussex as a sort of halfway house

You may be amazed at my audacity. But in terms of helping a sinner repent (and thus aiding my Papal ambitions) what could make a greater statement. Plus she may be able to convince my wife into a bit of three in the bed. Failing that I could invite another miscreant, Judy Sgro, over

All in all a great idea. Prudence suggests I hold back on the announcement until after the election though

Q What do Terry Fox and Paul Martin's Liberals have in common
A They run well until they approach the Manitoba border

Q Why is Paul Martin superior to Terry Fox
A Fox is one Canadian legend but Paul Martin has two Canadia leg ends

Seriously, he has a worthy place in the pantheon of brave but ultimately unsuccessful Canadians. Father of them all is 'The Greatest Canadian', Tommy Douglas, the man who gave us a public health system now ranked 30th in the world

Of course, Canadians may admire him from their couches but Cubans actually get up off their butts and run. Apparantly a couple of million in the latest Terry Fox road race. His family should have trademarked his name.

They must be kicking themselves, something Terry himself found a physical challenge

Unfortunately, the rest of the Cabinet are already talking without thinking. Labour Minister Joe Fontana noted today that an election would cost roughly $300 million. Someone is bound to point out that I called the 2004 election early and it is still less than the constitutional five years since the 2000 one.

The only saving grace is that he didn't mention that the figure represents three times what we gouged from the electorate through AdScam

My candidates would include publicity-seeking Rick Mercer. His constant 'jokes' at my expense are wearing a bit thin especially given the commission he charged for the 'One-Tonne Challenge' ad.

The only Indian that comes to mind would be Matthew Coon Come, but how about fellow-Asian, David Suzuki? According to the CBC poll, he is the greatest living Canadian. Making him head of a commission could bog him down for a year or two and get him off my case re Kyoto

Not sure Tim's ( Tim Murphy, PM's Chief of Staff. Ed. ) email to our MP's had the response he was hoping for

The latest opinion poll chills
Time for Tim to impress with his skills
But it made us sound manic
When he said "Don't panic"
The reaction? "Let's head for the hills"

He obviously never watched Dad's Army

The first defection appears to be that western turncoat (David Kilgour (Edmonton-Beaumont), originally a Conservative MP. Ed.). He's probably miffed at being in Parliament 25 years without a sniff of a serious Cabinet office. No great loss there but it was amusing to hear the comments of the two Scottish midgets in the Cabinet

Firstly fellow-Albertan, Anne McLellan

The riposte from John McCallum

Round 1 to the boy

The tune isn't too bad in a jingoistic, Victorian-type way but as for the lyric. It fails to rhyme correctly, a third of it is the same line repeated and the language was outdated when it was written. When was the last time you used the word 'Thee'? And 'sons' without 'daughters' is a lawsuit waiting to happen

However, things are looking bleak on the polls front and the public are a sucker for tradition so I have updated the words to more appropriately reflect Canada as it is

O Canada! Our well known Liberal land
You're no patriot unless you join our band
We'll spend your cash, our polls will rise
From opposition free
And far and wide all immigrants
Can come if they vote for me
My name is Paul. I'm trustworthy
O Canada! Come on and vote for me
O Canada! Come on and vote for me

Take a piece of that Oppos!

Firstly, after splitting up with one of the most desirable women on the planet, he marries a female whose apparant penchant for Capstan Full Strength means her aroma matches her looks
Secondly, he shakes hands with Robert Mugabe at the Pope's funeral - a dictator who terrorises his people but whose saving grace is that his country possesses no oil. I understand that, fortunately, Charles's excuse "All Blacks look the same to me" has yet to reach the British media.
But what seals my diagnosis is his choice of honeymoon. Scotland? In early April!

As luck would have it I had a chance to confirm my suspicions that he had inherited a gene from his predecessor, the completely cuckoo, George III, As you can imagine, for a person of a certain age sitting through an intolerably long service can be a trial and so I rushed to the executive john as soon as I could decently escape. The next stall was inhabited by none other than Prince Chuck so I sneaked a quick peek to see the colour of his pee ( George III's 'madness' is believed to have beem due to a rare blood disorder called porphyria, one of whose symptoms is dark red urine. Ed.)

Amazingly, for somebody so used to the public limelight, he suffers from performance anxiety so I was unable to confirm my theory at first hand

All humans make mistakes
The pope is infallible
Therefore, the pope is not human

Added to which he refused the desire of the Polish nation (a nation apparantly saved from communism by JPII. Sorry Lech) to have his heart removed so that it could be buried in his native country. I'm thinking Alien conspiracy theory

I hope that you only have to show infallibility after you have been selected. My call for the Gomery inquiry is looking a bit iffy. It's not as though we can go out and spend any money on polling to try and find the best defence. All the cash we have spare is of the laundered variety

Well the Romans neither have any interest in Canadian internal affairs nor speak English so I'm keeping stum on the Briault testimony

I nearly changed my mind when Ivor Cutler, probably the most fawning Minister in the Cabinet, came out with this quote

Luckily I subsequently found out that he was talking about the Conservatives saying the Liberal government was involved in a criminal conspiracy. Phew! Thank God there's at least someone who thinks the process is more important than the facts

I have now been informed that the Jean Lapierre who is Minister of Transport is none other than the Jean Lapierre who headed up the disastrous Quebec campaign in the last election. It's a truism that the more you cock up, the more the person who appointed you has to back you up. I know that; Lapierre knows that. So that's why he is so high up on the Order of Precedence

Velo!

However, when I was doing my weekly recap of who exactly is in my Cabinet I was surprised to see that a certain Jean-C. Lapierre, Minister of Transport is listed as third in order of precedence

Was this my decision? Could be. I see Bill Graham doesn't make the top ten

Anyways, its pretty turgid stuff reevaluating mantras such as "Canada as America's best friend" and "Canada as a middle Power" and promising in the final chapter to introduce the concept of "Canada as a Model Citizen". I can hardly contain myself. Does this mean we collect every countries refuse and dump it in the North? Pleeeease!

She even manages to bring in that hoary old tale about living next door to an elephant; as always attributed to Trudeau, though I'm fairly sure he nicked it off some journalist

As is often the case, the only point of interest is completely incidental to her tract. In an attempt to boost her Canadian credentials the author gives some completely irrelevant family history in the Preface (much further in and I would have missed it). Apparantly, intermarriage between early European immigrants and Native was very common and helped bring the two communities together and restrict racial prejudice.

Of course it didn't last long and these 'country wives' were soon 'turned off' leading to the state of affairs we find to this day as exemplified by the current Ahenakew trial

Unlike my predecessor, who was all mouth and no trousers, I propose to do something about the situation and show true leadership by resurrecting the concept next time I'm up there and take (in every meaning of the word) a country wife. Of course the more mature members of the Native population may take offence so I feel a teenager would be the best option. Of course the issue of HIV is a concern so I'll need to encourage more testing up there. They seem a bit wary of medical procedures but I'm sure 200 ciggys and a 12 pack of Molson will be incentive enough

The Witchfinder General's latest tome highlights the fact that the Public Safety Department still doesnt know who would be in charge in a disaster. Well as Midget McLellan heads it up the department that is probably good news. She's a sop to Westerners, women and the vertically challenged and not meant to have an active role in anything, let alone National Defence

Apparantly the passport office is also a complete mess and the States will be insisting on one for entry in a couple of years time.
Better renew mine
On second thoughts, why bother. It will be a good excuse for not going down there and getting another bollocking

PAPACY RULES

A more concerning item from across the pond is that Tony B***** Liar may have similar aspirations to my own. Known as an over-devout Christian, he is apparantly considering crossing over to the good guys from the C of E. I'm betting he is trying to get the powers-that-be in Rome to give him a clear run in the next Pope race in exchange for switching teams. He has already appointed a member of the Opus Dei self-flagellating sect to his Cabinet with apparantly no regard to her lack of ability. Ironically, she is the Education Secretary and I've heard it on good authority she plans to reintroduce corporal punishment in schools if Labour is returned in the forthcoming election

I thought Bono was a particular buddy of mine but it seems like he's just another power-groupie. Apparantly he cozied up to JP II and called him the world's first funky pope. Let's hope he's referring to me as the first (choirboys excepted) fucking Pope a few year's down the road

Looks bad. If you can't rely on an ad exec to lie what's the world coming to

But mention of a 'Chretien' is the saving grace

Suits me. Confirms that the Italian stranglehold has gone for good and assuming the new pope pops it within a decade leaves me in "Pole" position

Also said the pope needs to be

• Media-savvy. Check
• Have a warm smile. Check
• Be good one-to-one. Check
• Be fluent in Italian. No check. But I'm sure The Don ( Alfonso Gagliano) could tutor me. He's always on about how he hasn't got a job and I'm sure he is keen to ingratiate himself with the Party again

Initially he tried to get the Gomery inquiry squashed - but only after he had grandstanded at the hearing. Now he's he's using the death of his betters in order to get a microphone in his face. Firstly it was the slain ex-leader of the Lebanon who suddenly materialised as a great personal friend. Now it's his eminence, the Pope. He keeps on about the five times he saw him as if they were the highlights of the Pontiff's life ( The current PM never had an audience with the Pope. Ed.)

Keep your eyes on the TV screen, buddy. See if you can spot ME at the funeral!

Time to think outside the confessional box!

I have no intention of pushing my candidacy this time round - too much after the Lord Mayors show - but will press a few hands when I'm over there for the funeral

I'll also have a word with one of our cardinals and try and get him to wear a wire and a secret camera at the conclave so I get the lowdown on procedures. If the worst comes to the worst we'd still get a fascinating documentary out of it. I'm thinking Oscar

According to the Toronto star, Andre Ouellet is the cardinal for Quebec City. Can this be true? ( Andre Ouellet disgraced ex-head of Canada Post. Presumably a typo by the Star. ed.) If so, he's definitely our man

But I am not like that as my statement shows

N.B. 'virtually'

One of Terri Schiavo's doctor's walks out of her room into Newfoundland. His stethoscope morphs into Jason Giambi's baseball bat which he uses to beat a cub seal. Just before it expires the seal turns round and pleads "I'm already an HIV-carrying alcoholic dying of lung-cancer"

What does it all mean?

So I am now turning my attention to that other great world head of State, the Popedom. I seem to have the perfect qualifications

• I am a devout Catholic. See how I have wrestled with church/state issues
• I am male. None of that equal-rights, Charter nonsense in the Church, thank God
• I am none Italian. The Pope John-Paul II experiment (Polish born Karol J. Wojtyla. Ed) has proved wildly successful
• I would not countenance an inquiry into how the previous Pope was bumped off. I have learnt my lesson from Gomery
• I have experience of dealing with sensitive issues. Same-sex is one step away from Priests and choirboys
• I already speak two languages fluently. Anyways how difficult can it be to wheeze 'God Bless You" unintelligibly in 62 languages as the current Pope has done for the past couple of years
• My name is Paul. A popular choice. I'd be VII, I believe

Where's the opposition. Looks like a slam-dunk to me

Take, for instance, the recent memorial service for the four Mounties
Here is my first draft and the final text

It has always been the case that Canadian kids not bright enough to be businessmen, athletic enough to play in the NHL, or sincere enough to be politicians have longed to be Mounties. As they grow up they appreciate the concept of institutional violence - the ability to do wrong without punishment. They can beat up drunks, get free blow-jobs and obtain unlimited supplies of drugs just by wearing a Mounties uniform

No matter the era, it seems that children always want to grow up to be police officers – to wear the uniform, enforce the law, catch the criminal. There’s a timeless appeal to this impulse. It reflects a young mind’s growing understanding of right and wrong. It reflects a young heart’s yearning to keep people safe and families whole.

Their dereliction of duty not only cost them their lives but also led to unwarranted questioning of their superiors by the gutter press and forced me to endure yet another memorial service attended by thousands of officers here for a day off at time and a half

Those who have fallen have done so selflessly; those who have fallen have done so in service to a nation, to an ideal; they have fallen in service to us. The presence here of so many police officers, from cities and communities across the continent, is a testament to the camaraderie and the devotion that thrives within the law enforcement community.

They were unknown before they died and they will be forgotten by the the time I get back to Ottawa away from this cloying sentimentality

They are mourned by neighbours, and by a nation. Their memory will be eternal. So too will our gratitude

It's amazing h